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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you don't say this to a child!

494 replies

UndertheCedartree · 07/03/2022 17:20

I spoke to the doctor this afternoon about my DD who has Long Covid. He wants to do a blood test to rule out any other causes of the symptoms.

I am separated from her dad but he was over at my house after picking her up from school. I spoke to DD alone about the blood test. She burst into tears but I explained they can put numbing cream on your skin so it shouldn't be too painful and promised her a muffin from the cafe. Along with a cuddle she calmed down. We came downstairs and I told her dad she needed a blood test. His response was 'Oh, I bet you're not looking forward to that!' at which point she burst into tears again! I don't understand why he can't think before he speaks!!

OP posts:
Arghhconfused · 07/03/2022 17:51

It wasn't that bad a comment tbh, I couldn't get upset about it. When my DD aged 6 needed bloodtests my reaction was "oh Wow you get a bloodiest that's so cool!" She had the bloodiest thinking it was a pretty amazing thing!

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 07/03/2022 17:51

@AHungryCaterpillar

Sounds like you’re annoyed because it’s your ex that said it. So you want something to be annoyed at him for. 😕
It's coming across that way. And considering the amount of exclamation points you're using OP, maybe you're a tad dramatic too and she picks up on it from you.
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/03/2022 17:52

@JustWonderingIfYou

Tbh I wouldn't have said any of the rubbish you said. You made it a massive deal, that needs tears and muffins and cuddles. I'd have just said on the way to the drs "you're having a blood test, it's not a big thing. You've had them before when you were small".

I'm convinced people who make a drama llama about needles have inherited it from their parents.

She has not had one before. That might work for your DC it wouldn't for mine. If she is not prepared she would be liable to move her arm and run.

I had loads of needles as a DC. I'm very sensitive too and had some traumatic situations. But having the cream calmed me. It did her too. It is not being a 'drama llama' to not like pain from needles. Being gas lit that 'no it doesn't hurt atall!' that's what causes the damage

OP posts:
TrashyPanda · 07/03/2022 17:52

I had just reassured her it wouldn't hurt

That’s not what you said your OP: so it shouldn't be too painful

Not being too painful is very different to not hurting at all

MiddleParking · 07/03/2022 17:53

@VitalsStable

It will hurt. Don't lie to your child.
It very well might not. If you get a nurse who’s good at doing them you quite often literally don’t feel it.
Ionlydomassiveones · 07/03/2022 17:54

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

milkysmum · 07/03/2022 17:54

I think the talk of numbing cream, muffins, cuddles etc is likely to be far less helpful in the long run and far more likely to increase anxiety ( and I say that as a mental health practitioner with decades of experience), as well as being the parent of young teen with ND traits.

SomethingNastyInTheBallPool · 07/03/2022 17:55

I actually think that was a really stupid thing to say to a child, especially one who’s a bit highly strung.
Much better to be honest but upbeat.

GingerWit · 07/03/2022 17:55

Don't be so precious. You are overthinking this. Dad said it this way because like the rest of the world he doesn't see it as insensitive to his daughter.

NoSleepNoSleep · 07/03/2022 17:55

Sounds like a lot of drama over a blood test. I had a few around aged 8, my mum didn't tell me before, we just went to the appointment and I let them do it no drama once we were there (no cream or anything). Seems you telling her is making it into a big thing which it isn't. I've had lots of blood tests as an adult (I have 3 children) it's a scratch and sometimes unpleasant for about 30 seconds, no need to stress her out over it.

Bramblesr · 07/03/2022 17:55

I a paeds nurse used to work in a&e lots of parents make silly comments prior to blood tests like ‘I hate having my bloods taken’ ‘ooh they won’t like that’ none of which is very helpful 🙄

More recently worked as a practice nurse we don’t routinely have access to numbing cream so if it’s being done in the practice you should check as it needs to be prescribed and applied approx 30 mins prior. Also it does hurt for a couple of seconds don’t lie to her. Could try watching some age and stage appropriate YouTube video about having a blood test to see other kids having their blood test. Make sure she’s well hydrated on the day, bring iPad phone, book something to distract and she’ll be fine

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/03/2022 17:57

[quote MurmuratingStarling]@UndertheCedartree

It was said in a very exaggerated way as in 'ooh, that's going to hurt a lot!'

Yeah, but you said he said 'Oh, I bet you're not looking forward to that!' NOT 'I bet it's going to hurt a lot. Confused Are you just exaggerating things now to suit your argument? You did ask if YABU and many posters are saying yes you are, and you're saying ' er no I'm not because..... ' and adding more info on! What was the point of posting this if you're just going to say to anyone disagreeing, that they are wrong?![/quote]
Look, I was venting! And other posters have understood. I was just adding that as some posters didn't understand that the reason she cried was because he said it in a way that clearly meant 'it was an awful thing to get done' Sorry I didn't explain that. When I wrote it down I had it in my head how he said it. I'm autistic and forget other people didn't hear how he said it!!

OP posts:
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/03/2022 17:57

The point is he made her scared about having the blood test.

OP posts:
kittensinthekitchen · 07/03/2022 17:58

YANBU.

I have an ex like this (not involved in the kids lives these days) and this was exactly the kind of shit he would come out with.
As a standalone comment, it might not seem so bad to some people, but as part of a bigger picture, it's just a further demonstration of not having a Fucking Clue.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/03/2022 18:00

@MiddleParking

I don’t think his reaction was very helpful but I don’t think yours was either.
Mine helped her to be able to deal with it calmly. Not sure what more I needed to do?
OP posts:
Butchyrestingface · 07/03/2022 18:03

'Oh, I bet you're not looking forward to that!' at which point she burst into tears again! I don't understand why he can't think before he speaks!!

Surely the obvious response to that would have been, "it's okay, we're going to ask for a numbing agent."?

Anyway, I tend to agree with PP that it was you who set the scene here by suggesting that the injection was so unpleasant it required a numbing agent, and muffins to get through. And not only that, but the numbing agent would only take the edge off it, as opposed to completely remove all pain.

Hope it all goes well and your daughter gets good results. Smile

Regularsizedrudy · 07/03/2022 18:05

Why did you even tell her ahead of time? That doesn’t help anxiety it feeds it.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/03/2022 18:05

@newnameforthis76

Do they actually use numbing cream on kids when they have blood tests, nowadays? I had loads of blood tests when I was a kid and they never used a numbing cream. Has that changed now?

Either way, I think you’re both in the wrong. Your ex might have been a little bit tactless but you’re pandering to your daughter’s extreme reactions and letting her build up a tiny event into something that requires muffins and cuddles and fuss.

My reaction would have been “Oh, it’s nothing to worry about, sweetheart! You’ll feel it a tiny bit but the nurse will be really kind and it’ll be over so quickly you’ll barely notice. Anyway- what shall we have for tea?”

When was that? I had it all the time in the 90s. It does still exist.

That might work for your DC. It won't for mine. Like lots of ND DC she needs to be prepared for exactly what will happen. What you said is what my mum did to me as a DC and it caused major trauma.

I suppose what I'm saying is AIBU to think you don't scare a DC about having a blood test?

OP posts:
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/03/2022 18:07

I wish I didn't have DC I need to prepare for every single thing but I do! Count your blessings if your DC isn't sensitive and can take these things in their stride!

OP posts:
MyDcAreMarvel · 07/03/2022 18:07

They won’t use cream, takes too long they will just use cold spray.

Whatterywhat · 07/03/2022 18:08

Oh give over @UndertheCedartree, you knew about it long enough to have a conversation with her about it
Stop trying to find holes with him

Regularsizedrudy · 07/03/2022 18:08

“ I had loads of needles as a DC. I'm very sensitive too and had some traumatic situations. But having the cream calmed me.”

You are projecting your experience on to her. Your setting her up to have a bad experience.

WorraLiberty · 07/03/2022 18:09

Christ alive OP!

Do you take to the internet to complain every time your DH makes a little comment that you wouldn't have?

Give him a break. He was trying to sympathise with her.

I hope he'll be the one taking her on the day if this is how you overreact.

MissMaple82 · 07/03/2022 18:10

Because he's a.man!

TallywallyAnn · 07/03/2022 18:10

Ignore the comments about your child being sensitive. So what if she is? I know some adults that don’t like needles and have a bit of a tizz over blood tests/injections etc.

I do get what you’re saying but I don’t think he meant any harm. Might be worth you asking him to speak to your DC again to put her at ease.

My daughter had to have blood tests for the first time a year or so ago and she freaked a little before but actually found them fine and now is absolutely fine with the idea of having another. I held her hand throughout and asked her questions about school, her friends etc during and throughout to distract her slightly and it meant she was looking at me and not the needle. She knew what I was doing but it did take the edge off.