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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you don't say this to a child!

494 replies

UndertheCedartree · 07/03/2022 17:20

I spoke to the doctor this afternoon about my DD who has Long Covid. He wants to do a blood test to rule out any other causes of the symptoms.

I am separated from her dad but he was over at my house after picking her up from school. I spoke to DD alone about the blood test. She burst into tears but I explained they can put numbing cream on your skin so it shouldn't be too painful and promised her a muffin from the cafe. Along with a cuddle she calmed down. We came downstairs and I told her dad she needed a blood test. His response was 'Oh, I bet you're not looking forward to that!' at which point she burst into tears again! I don't understand why he can't think before he speaks!!

OP posts:
PalmLady · 07/03/2022 18:10

My 7 year old recently had a blood test. They used a freezing spray. I told her what would happen on the way in so she didn't have time to worry. She was fine, no tears, and she's also a very sensitive child.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/03/2022 18:10

@Lesperance

I don't see this at all. Her dad seems to have got that she would not enjoy it, as do you. What's wrong with his comment? Was she going to have the blood test that day? If not, why did you have to prepare her?
He scared her. He gave her the impression it would be awful. I told her it would be ok. She isost probably autistic and needs to be prepared in advance. She will have it tomorrow morning.
OP posts:
CityHigh · 07/03/2022 18:11

Yes, YABU

kittensinthekitchen · 07/03/2022 18:16

@Regularsizedrudy

Why did you even tell her ahead of time? That doesn’t help anxiety it feeds it.
🙄

Anxious people and those who care for them all over the world... doing it wrong!

MissMaple82 · 07/03/2022 18:17

I don't think she's being over sensitive at all. She's a child who has never experienced a blood test! She has every right to be scared and her mum has every right to comfort her. I once had a horrific experience with a blood test when I was a teen at school, blood poured out my arm, my school shirt turned almost completely red, it looked like I'd been stabbed, I then fainted in the corridor. My point is, blood tests are not always a miniscule thing for everyone.

Regularsizedrudy · 07/03/2022 18:20

@kittensinthekitchen I know all too well about anxiety and someone telling you something is going to be a horrible experience ahead of time doesn’t help.

anonanonanon123 · 07/03/2022 18:20

I think both your comments were silly and making it into a bigger deal and feeding her anxiety. His was totally stupid but yours wasn't much better. Numbing cream and saying it is painful? You barely even feel blood being taken. I would have been reassuring her of that and that it's not a big deal, because it isn't.

cuno · 07/03/2022 18:20

You're the one who heightened her anxieties to begin with. I wouldn't present having to have a blood test to a child as something that requires numbing cream and a muffin at the cafe afterwards as a treat. It makes it into something bigger and scarier. I am needle phobic and would not have handled the situation the way you did, as that's projecting adult fears onto a child. And what will you do if numbing cream isn't given to your child? She will find it a lot harder to cope with as you have already set the bar that the numbing cream is required for the pain.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/03/2022 18:22

@Sceptre86

A bit thoughtless definitely but you're making a bigger issue of it than needs be. I feel for her though, blood tests aren't nice, do cause some pain discomfort and if a child is a sensitive sort it makes it that bit worse.
I'm just venting! Didn't make a big deal irl! I guess when you have a sensitive DC that you have to tread so carefully with. It's annoying when her dad forgets! I'm better at dealing with her apparently! Well, I feel I've put more work in to try and meet her needs! And it is exhausting at times!
OP posts:
beastlyslumber · 07/03/2022 18:22

@UndertheCedartree

The point is he made her scared about having the blood test.
It sounds like you're the one who scared her, and made her think it's a massive deal. You're passing your anxieties onto your child.
Bramblesr · 07/03/2022 18:22

Is she having it at the practice?

LizzieW1969 · 07/03/2022 18:22

My DD2 (10 this week) had a blood test this week and we were given numbing cream for her. It worked really well. No, it wasn’t exactly pleasant but she soon got over it.

Whilst I agree that preparation is important for a child who is ND (my DD1 is and that is important for her) that can be done by not making too much of it.

I nevertheless agree that your ex didn’t help matters, so I understand why you were annoyed about that.

Seeriously · 07/03/2022 18:23

Haven’t read all comments. But when my kids have had bloods I always make it sound like it’s not a big deal and say it won’t hurt at all. The hospitals have usually said the more anxious children are usually with the more anxious parents.
You don’t need numbing cream. They can spray the cold spray on it and it numbs it immediately and she won’t feel the poke at all.
Important to downplay it and just say it’s nothing to worry about and people do it all the time.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/03/2022 18:23

@Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious

I think you're overreacting. He made a comment, you have a very sensitive child. It may well hurt even with numbing cream, some kids claim to still feel it, could be more mental but still. It's a blood test, no need to make a massive issue of it. Just let her know it's happening and she'll have numbing cream.
That's what I did! Then her dad made her think it was awful! So I've got to calm her down again!
OP posts:
HikingforScenery · 07/03/2022 18:25

Yeah yabu. Her father was validating her feelings, which is also important

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/03/2022 18:25

@weebarra

I've got a 14 year old ND child who is needle phobic. He has huge anxiety. It certainly doesn't come from me - I've managed to get through the needles involved in chemo and c sections. I think it's a bit of a nasty pile on. Presumably both parents are aware that the DD has issues around anxiety. DS1s anxiety hugely frustrates me but it's a lot worse for him. I'd have been a bit pissed of with my DH, think both parents have to be on the same page around Neurodiversity and anxiety.
He just leaves it all to me! Thank you for understanding!
OP posts:
narcdad · 07/03/2022 18:27

I think your getting a hard time from those saying your dd is being dramatic and overly sensitive, she's only 9! I'm 44 and bloody hate blood tests!

Your ex sounds like he meant no harm with the comment but it was a bit insensitive.

Hope it goes ok for your dd.

Hellolittlestar · 07/03/2022 18:27

She’s not exactly going to enjoy it, is she? So an honest understanding voice might as well be the way to go.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/03/2022 18:27

@HikingforScenery

Yeah yabu. Her father was validating her feelings, which is also important
No, he wasn't. She was calm about it he put his feelings of it being a very unpleasant thing on to her.
OP posts:
Hertsgirl10 · 07/03/2022 18:27

@JustWonderingIfYou

Tbh I wouldn't have said any of the rubbish you said. You made it a massive deal, that needs tears and muffins and cuddles. I'd have just said on the way to the drs "you're having a blood test, it's not a big thing. You've had them before when you were small".

I'm convinced people who make a drama llama about needles have inherited it from their parents.

@JustWonderingIfYou

Exactly this.

ClumpingBambooIsALie · 07/03/2022 18:28

If she's inherited the ND from her dad as well as her mum then you might need to take into account different ND communication styles. I'm diagnosed with ASD and ADHD and might very well say to someone "I bet you're not looking forward to that" if they've got some minor unpleasant thing coming up. And if someone said it to me, I'd appreciate it as an expression of their sympathy.

I'm not sure your DD being ND is the most relevant factor, more that it's an unknown procedure and you've encouraged her to think it's a huge traumatic thing. He wasn't to know you'd primed her to think of a blood test as a big painful procedure that merits anaesthetic and food rewards.

Hertsgirl10 · 07/03/2022 18:28

Why ask it you’re gonna disagree with anyone that thinks YABU?

Arabellla · 07/03/2022 18:29

Being gas lit that 'no it doesn't hurt atall!' that's what causes the damage

Maybe he had the same idea, OP?

Sirzy · 07/03/2022 18:30

I think your being over sensitive on this one. I don’t think there is anything wrong with acknowledging that blood tests aren’t the nicest of things.

As a tip ask for the spray not the cream as that works instantly. Don’t make a fuss about it just be factual. Sometimes as adults our trying to help by building something up actually feeds the anxiety more

sweetbellyhigh · 07/03/2022 18:30

Gosh OP it is you making a big deal of a blood test which is such a minor event.

Don't kid yourself that your dd doesn't pick up on your anxiety, you are feeding it.

Far better to invest your energy in trying to quell your own anxiety than trying to control your ex.