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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you don't say this to a child!

494 replies

UndertheCedartree · 07/03/2022 17:20

I spoke to the doctor this afternoon about my DD who has Long Covid. He wants to do a blood test to rule out any other causes of the symptoms.

I am separated from her dad but he was over at my house after picking her up from school. I spoke to DD alone about the blood test. She burst into tears but I explained they can put numbing cream on your skin so it shouldn't be too painful and promised her a muffin from the cafe. Along with a cuddle she calmed down. We came downstairs and I told her dad she needed a blood test. His response was 'Oh, I bet you're not looking forward to that!' at which point she burst into tears again! I don't understand why he can't think before he speaks!!

OP posts:
Clarabe1 · 07/03/2022 21:35

I don’t get it? A blood test traumatized your child? It seems a bit dramatic. Is she anxious?

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/03/2022 21:35

[quote sadpapercourtesan]@MissLucyEyelesbarrow OP didn't "prime her" to be fearful. She told her she was having a blood test and the child's reaction was fearful (which is not in the least uncommon). So OP responded by meeting her child'd emotional needs, taking her fear seriously and giving her both something to mitigate it (the numbing cream) and something to look forward to after it (the muffin).

This is excellent, responsive parenting. OP is unfortunate that there happened to be a whole bunch of the "suck it up" brigade on MN at the moment she posted. This thread could and should have gone very differently.[/quote]
Thank you

OP posts:
Mocara · 07/03/2022 21:35

[quote UndertheCedartree]**@WorraLiberty* - what if telling a sensitive DC the night before so they have time to process and can stay calm. What if telling them in the morning would lead to panic, struggle and trauma? You still want to go with that option once you know that about the DC (as their mother would). At the end of the day, it doesn't matter what you think might be hypothetically right. Without knowing my DC how can you really know? All that matters to me is she is treated in a way that works for her*[/quote]
Why did you bloody ask for opinions if you dont care what people who disagree with you say !!
Honestly focus on your therapy you obviously really need it !

UKRAINEwearewithyou · 07/03/2022 21:36

How often do you tell your DD that she is sensitive @UndertheCedartree. How often do you tell her father the same. Do you tell her father off for being unsensitive towards her since she is fragile and anxious? Does she hear you talk about her anxieties. Does your therapist she your daughter too.

Where does all the panic/struggle and trauma come from. Although you may not realise it, your actions/what you say and do, impact on your children. Perhaps a little less suggestions of pain/trauma and the fear might not cause 'bursting into tears' at the suggestion of something she has never experienced before.

I feel sad for you and your children. Good luck and I'll leave it. Something doesn't feel right here.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/03/2022 21:37

@Sirzy - it certainly is all trial and error! And once you find what works you stick to it!

OP posts:
Darbs76 · 07/03/2022 21:38

I don’t think it’s that unusual for a 9yr old to fear a blood test. She’s 9yrs old, of course she will be apprehensive and scared

NinaDefoe · 07/03/2022 21:38

Are you stressed because you think that what your ExH said caused your DD to cry?
She cried when you told her about the blood test. She might have stopped crying when you both went downstairs but she was already wound up.

The mistake was bringing it up again with her Dad. You should have waited until she wasn’t around.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/03/2022 21:38

@Sirzy

And if you hadn’t hidden her away to tell her and told her in front of her dad instead he would have been part of the conversation not left downstairs and then expected to respond how you deem correct when you come down and bring the conversation up again!
If we had done it in front of her dad it would have been a disaster.
OP posts:
187mob · 07/03/2022 21:38

I once had a god awful experience whilst 6 months pregnant with a nurse who tried to take my blood but somehow missed the vein, I turned around and there was blood all over the floor. Since that day, I despise blood tests. Cannulas are my worst nightmare. I begged for the numbing cream last time I had a cannula. I have to say though, I wouldn’t have discussed it the way it sounds like you have with my child, OP. Especially if you have concerns she may be on the spectrum. Just telling her it’s a small scratch and that mummy will be there to hold your hand is good enough. As for her dad’s comment, doesn’t sound like it was deliberately said to upset your child, it’s his child too so I can’t see why he would want to upset her. Just sounds like he didn’t think before he spoke. Not exactly crime of the century. Try not to bribe with goodies after the fact either because you’re essentially raising your child to believe that whenever she does something good that she deserves to be praised every single time which is sadly not how the world works. I know it’s easier said than done, but try to refrain from molecuddling her so much. She’s 9, not 3. She’ll be just fine.

Norgie · 07/03/2022 21:38

You really do need to lay down with your smelling salts.
You're twisting everything around to suit yourself. You've been given answers and advice, yet you're still stamping your dainty feet.
I'm actually starting to wonder if this family of yours actually exist because no one could get themselves so bent out of shape over something so trivial like you have.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/03/2022 21:39

@NinaDefoe

Are you stressed because you think that what your ExH said caused your DD to cry? She cried when you told her about the blood test. She might have stopped crying when you both went downstairs but she was already wound up.

The mistake was bringing it up again with her Dad. You should have waited until she wasn’t around.

No, not stressed about that atall. It is more around the Long Covid.
OP posts:
cuno · 07/03/2022 21:40

[quote UndertheCedartree]@cuno - I'm far from a perfect parent. As many know on MN. Why would he say something to her that would make no sense? Obviously he had to reference what he was talking about! What enjoyment do you get out of baiting me? I'm very stressed about this and I'll be honest, your comments aren't helping. Can I respectfully ask you to leave me alone now. I wanted to vent. I shouldn't have done. I'm sorry.[/quote]
Oh for crying out loud, I am not baiting you. I just have a low tolerance for bullshitting, backtracking and major drip feeding on here. If that offends you, can I respectfully suggest you don't post on AIBU?

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/03/2022 21:40

@Norgie

You really do need to lay down with your smelling salts. You're twisting everything around to suit yourself. You've been given answers and advice, yet you're still stamping your dainty feet. I'm actually starting to wonder if this family of yours actually exist because no one could get themselves so bent out of shape over something so trivial like you have.
Yep, we exist!
OP posts:
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/03/2022 21:42

@cuno - ok, I won't. I might not be as perfect as you but I'm doing my best. Not everyone is great at getting things written down in the right way. I gave the wrong impression. Please, just leave it now.

OP posts:
Nocutenamesleft · 07/03/2022 21:43

[quote UndertheCedartree]**@WorraLiberty* - what if telling a sensitive DC the night before so they have time to process and can stay calm. What if telling them in the morning would lead to panic, struggle and trauma? You still want to go with that option once you know that about the DC (as their mother would). At the end of the day, it doesn't matter what you think might be hypothetically right. Without knowing my DC how can you really know? All that matters to me is she is treated in a way that works for her*[/quote]
Lead to trauma telling her she needs a rest in the morning instead of the night before?!?

Get over!!

Ireallycantthinkofagoodone · 07/03/2022 21:43

I would have thought making a big thing of it in advance, requiring a muffin/cuddles etc. would increase anxiety. You are basically telling her that it’s something to be feared with all this drama. I agree with a pp that mentioning it casually on the way to the appointment is much the better way to deal with it.

WorraLiberty · 07/03/2022 21:43

It's really weird that the OP is quoting posts all over the place in no particular order at all - just randomly jumping backwards and forwards around the thread pages.

It's like manic attention seeking.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/03/2022 21:48

@187mob

I once had a god awful experience whilst 6 months pregnant with a nurse who tried to take my blood but somehow missed the vein, I turned around and there was blood all over the floor. Since that day, I despise blood tests. Cannulas are my worst nightmare. I begged for the numbing cream last time I had a cannula. I have to say though, I wouldn’t have discussed it the way it sounds like you have with my child, OP. Especially if you have concerns she may be on the spectrum. Just telling her it’s a small scratch and that mummy will be there to hold your hand is good enough. As for her dad’s comment, doesn’t sound like it was deliberately said to upset your child, it’s his child too so I can’t see why he would want to upset her. Just sounds like he didn’t think before he spoke. Not exactly crime of the century. Try not to bribe with goodies after the fact either because you’re essentially raising your child to believe that whenever she does something good that she deserves to be praised every single time which is sadly not how the world works. I know it’s easier said than done, but try to refrain from molecuddling her so much. She’s 9, not 3. She’ll be just fine.
If I'd said that I wouldn't have got her there, unfortunately. He didn't mean to upset her, he said he didn't think. Which is often! It gets frustrating sometimes. I'm not bribing her it is just a way to manage transitions. I don't really use praise, more encouragement so hopefully she won't see it like that. I don't think she would see getting the blood test as a moral issue either? Unfortunately, sometimes needs must. My 14yo has managed fine with being treated that way - and is now a real teenager!
OP posts:
mummykel16 · 07/03/2022 21:48

@Clarabe1

I don’t get it? A blood test traumatized your child? It seems a bit dramatic. Is she anxious?
Her mother is
Norgie · 07/03/2022 21:49

In your head OP.

@worraLiberty I agree. I noticed the same.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/03/2022 21:49

@Clarabe1

I don’t get it? A blood test traumatized your child? It seems a bit dramatic. Is she anxious?
A blood test traumatised me as a DC. But no, my DD will be fine as we've got a plan. And yes, I've said she does get anxious and she is most probably autistic.
OP posts:
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/03/2022 21:51

@WorraLiberty

It's really weird that the OP is quoting posts all over the place in no particular order at all - just randomly jumping backwards and forwards around the thread pages.

It's like manic attention seeking.

I just can't keep up! I know people complain if you don't answer! It might be a bit manic, sorry! I'm not attention-seeking, I'm just struggling. A lot.
OP posts:
Clarabe1 · 07/03/2022 21:52

@UndertheCedartree that’s where she has picked the anxiety up from then - from you. I get that some people are scared of blood tests but you should really try and keep that fear away from your child.

BurbageBrook · 07/03/2022 21:52

Yeah it's your approach to it that's given her the anxiety! Her dad's comment was totally normal.

Norgie · 07/03/2022 21:52

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