To think you don't say this to a child!

[UndertheCedartree]

I spoke to the doctor this afternoon about my DD who has Long Covid. He wants to do a blood test to rule out any other causes of the symptoms.

I am separated from her dad but he was over at my house after picking her up from school. I spoke to DD alone about the blood test. She burst into tears but I explained they can put numbing cream on your skin so it shouldn't be too painful and promised her a muffin from the cafe. Along with a cuddle she calmed down. We came downstairs and I told her dad she needed a blood test. His response was 'Oh, I bet you're not looking forward to that!' at which point she burst into tears again! I don't understand why he can't think before he speaks!!

I’m getting the feeling that this isn’t really just about this blood test, which on its own does sound melodramatic. (Although I hate the term ‘drama llama’, which is really overused on AIBU!).

I think it’s more the fact that her ex never thinks through what he’s saying to his DD. I mean, telling her that her mum might die when she was in hospital with COVID???

Yes the OP has overreacted, but it’s easy to see why she would do so.

@Mocara - sorry yes, I do need therapy. I didn't communicate properly. Sometimes I forget other people don't know what I know. It is my Autism.i write the OP thinking people would know what I meant. I think only about 25% did. I wasn't trying to ask if my approach was right as there has been a lot of work out into it. I have talked it through with lots of people working with us. I'm sorry for not being clear. And thank you for everyone taking the time to respond.

@LizzieW1969

I’m getting the feeling that this isn’t really just about this blood test, which on its own does sound melodramatic. (Although I hate the term ‘drama llama’, which is really overused on AIBU!).

I think it’s more the fact that her ex never thinks through what he’s saying to his DD. I mean, telling her that her mum might die when she was in hospital with COVID???

Yes the OP has overreacted, but it’s easy to see why she would do so.

I find it exhausting when it is all on me as who knows what will come out his mouth and then I have to pick up the pieces! Thank you for understanding.

@UndertheCedartree I’m in no way judging your parenting, OP. I don’t know you from Adam. I’m definitely not the perfect parent. But promising muffins after the blood test as a means of getting her there is bribing. Part of me doesn’t blame you but another part of me feels like you’re not doing your child any favours by doing this. Only for the simple reason that it’s just not how the world works. Do you want your daughter to grow up accepting bribes from men (or women) to do things that she probably doesn’t want to do? Extreme example, fine. But a relevant example all the same. I get that you want to approach the situation as gently as possible, it’s your child for god’s sake, it would be weird if you didn’t want to protect her feelings, you’re her mother and that’s your job but it’s also your job to teach her the harsh realities of life and how to be strong in certain situations where being strong is necessary.

@Norgie

Your child hasn't been diagnosed with autism, yet you're treating her as though she is. Way to go. No wonder she acts like she does with her neurotic mum treating her like that.

I am autistic and her brother is. She has been assessed as having autistic traits and is waiting to be assessed. It is most likely that she is. But how I treat her is how works for her. Why would I deliberately treat her a way that would make her worse? Her SW, play therapist etc think it is a good approach.

I find it exhausting when it is all on me as who knows what will come out his mouth and then I have to pick up the pieces!

Quite possibly something else completely normal that you'll make a massive fuss over.

You're the one exhausting yourself if this thread is anything to go by.

Some bonkers posts being rather nasty to the OP!

My H says stupid things like that. First time I went to get my covid test before a medical appt he said ooooh it really hurts you know as I was walking out the door. Unnecessary comment, and no it didn’t hurt, but it does make the hearer anxious!

My DS passed out in the carpark after his last blood test so I’m sure he’ll be anxious about the next one. I’ll be cross if his father winds him up about it.

Even the most uneducated poster on here will agree that all nd children/ adults are unique and what works of one does not work for others.

Yep really true. But something else that's true is that for a large number of autistic or other ND people, our presentation is subtle enough that we'll have to live in a world which assumes we will be able to cope with what everyone else does. As OP's DD is 9 and as yet suspected but undiagnosed, she probably fits in this category of ND people.

It's hard to explain what I mean here without sounding insensitive, so I'll reiterate that I'm diagnosed with ASD and ADHD and know how difficult stuff can be for many of us.

But anyway… it's not so much how OP describes dealing with her DD, but how she interacts on this thread that makes me feel OP thinks autism acts as an effective trump card in real life, that will make other people accede to you and treat you as especially sensitive and delicate. They don't.

While we really need better adjustments and adaptations, and better attitudes to disability, I don't think we're ever going to live in a world where autistic people aren't going to have to learn to find ways to cope with things they find difficult, and accept that saying "I have autism" doesn't mean you will be automatically conceded the point. Like everyone else we have to learn how to exist in the world, and that includes at some point learning how to handle things like comments that unintentionally upset you (like the DD's dad's comment).

9 is probably a little young for that, but the way OP interacts on this thread makes me wonder how she's planning to help her DD exist in a world that doesn't generally assume that you're extra sensitive and need handling with kid gloves.

She's 'most probably' autistic? Has she been assessed for autism?

Nurses called my DD11 a drama queen when she cried having her first blood test at 6yo. She was seriously ill at the time. I really hope you're not making your DD over anxious just in case you end up with an unsympathetic nurse like we had.

[quote 187mob]@UndertheCedartree I’m in no way judging your parenting, OP. I don’t know you from Adam. I’m definitely not the perfect parent. But promising muffins after the blood test as a means of getting her there is bribing. Part of me doesn’t blame you but another part of me feels like you’re not doing your child any favours by doing this. Only for the simple reason that it’s just not how the world works. Do you want your daughter to grow up accepting bribes from men (or women) to do things that she probably doesn’t want to do? Extreme example, fine. But a relevant example all the same. I get that you want to approach the situation as gently as possible, it’s your child for god’s sake, it would be weird if you didn’t want to protect her feelings, you’re her mother and that’s your job but it’s also your job to teach her the harsh realities of life and how to be strong in certain situations where being strong is necessary.[/quote]
I appreciate your comments, but it is an approach endorsed by her therapist, SW etc. My psychologist also suggested it to help me (that was where I first heard of it). It is not about accepting something to do something you don't want. It is actually about taking control and saying life can be difficult but I can transition out of that and do something I like and I choose.

@BuddhaForMary

She's 'most probably' autistic? Has she been assessed for autism?

Nurses called my DD11 a drama queen when she cried having her first blood test at 6yo. She was seriously ill at the time. I really hope you're not making your DD over anxious just in case you end up with an unsympathetic nurse like we had.

She has been assessed with autistic traits and is waiting for full assessment. I am autistic and her brother is, so it is quite likely due to the genetic link.

[quote UndertheCedartree]**@WorraLiberty* - what if telling a sensitive DC the night before so they have time to process and can stay calm. What if telling them in the morning would lead to panic, struggle and trauma? You still want to go with that option once you know that about the DC (as their mother would). At the end of the day, it doesn't matter what you think might be hypothetically right. Without knowing my DC how can you really know? All that matters to me is she is treated in a way that works for her*[/quote]
But it only took you a fee minutes to calm her down. Why would it have taken more time than that in the morning?

@WorraLiberty

I find it exhausting when it is all on me as who knows what will come out his mouth and then I have to pick up the pieces!

Quite possibly something else completely normal that you'll make a massive fuss over.

You're the one exhausting yourself if this thread is anything to go by.

@worraliberty - my DD is pretty ill with Long Covid, I am having to juggle home schooling/taking care of a sick child. She is unhappy at missing school/hobbies. I have to attend meetings and speak to people at school about it and make a compromise they all agree on. My autistic teen has his own issues, I'm having to deal with along with issues at college and home educating him. We have little money and struggle for heat and food and paying the mortgage. I have hypothyroidism which makes me so tired and also hard to find the right words etc. I'm in desperate need of trauma therapy but still on waiting list. I don't think I'm exhausting myself. I'm just overwhelmed.

@mummykel16

It's not called that anymore if that was aimed at me!

it was and if it's called something else or no it fits you very well.

What have I made up about myself to get attention from hcps?

Judging by OP’s other threads there’s bigger things than autism going on.

@UndertheCedartree It is not about accepting something to do something you don't want.

I disagree with this. Sorry OP but it’s exactly about that because who on Earth wants to get a blood test? I’d pay good money to never have to have another one ever again in my life. But realistically speaking, I know that is an illogical view to adapt. Do you know how many situations your daughter has yet to face where she will have to accept doing something that she doesn’t want to do? From getting up really early in the morning to make it to school on time to attending her PE lesson when she first starts her period? I know these are minor examples but they are relevant examples nevertheless. They are not examples of situations whereby she will have a choice as to whether she likes it or not. Gently does it works in some situations and is absolutely fine. But ripping the plaster off is also necessary in some situations too.

OP, your only mistake here was mentioning Long Covid. I think that's what's got people's attitudes out - most of them likely believe it's in your head, your anxiety.

I'd like to think that's the only reason for the absolute dickheads that have descended on this thread, talking about how abnormal it is that a 9 year old fear a blood test? Remember, most mumsnetters are too perfect to have children who have fears. Most mumsnetters are too perfect to have children who get ill.

Nothing wrong with what he said .

worraliberty - my DD is pretty ill with Long Covid, I am having to juggle home schooling/taking care of a sick child. She is unhappy at missing school/hobbies. I have to attend meetings and speak to people at school about it and make a compromise they all agree on. My autistic teen has his own issues, I'm having to deal with along with issues at college and home educating him. We have little money and struggle for heat and food and paying the mortgage. I have hypothyroidism which makes me so tired and also hard to find the right words etc. I'm in desperate need of trauma therapy but still on waiting list. I don't think I'm exhausting myself. I'm just overwhelmed.

And yet you've spent five solid hours on this thread, posting about an innocuous comment that upset your DD but only took her a few minutes to calm down.

Like I said, you're exhausting yourself here.

@UKRAINEwearewithyou

How often do you tell your DD that she is sensitive *@UndertheCedartree*. How often do you tell her father the same. Do you tell her father off for being unsensitive towards her since she is fragile and anxious? Does she hear you talk about her anxieties. Does your therapist she your daughter too.

Where does all the panic/struggle and trauma come from. Although you may not realise it, your actions/what you say and do, impact on your children. Perhaps a little less suggestions of pain/trauma and the fear might not cause 'bursting into tears' at the suggestion of something she has never experienced before.

I feel sad for you and your children. Good luck and I'll leave it. Something doesn't feel right here.

I don't ever tell her, I don't think. Not sure why I would? Her dad knows what she is like just by being around her, so no. I talk to her about things she is worried about if she wants to. I'm not sure what you are saying re: therapist.

Unfortunately, she has experienced things. But also some of us just are very sensitive. But there are both aspects for her. I have never suggested it! Sadly, not all DC have the kind of perfect life you would wish for them.

Thank you for the good wishes. I feel sad for us sometimes too.

Not quite the point but I have always found blood tests difficult, getting blood out of a stone was very appropriate. No one gave me advice for over 60 years of my life and then I got these tips:

1. Plenty to drink the day before the test, at least six glasses of water
2. Plenty to drink the morning of the test, I have two glasses
3. Be warm, I find t shirt, jumper, jacket is good as you need to get the layers off for the actual test.

Honestly revolutionised my life. I have a condition that means I need regular blood tests and I have literally had a young doctor in tears as she tried for the 4th time to get some blood out of me. Now you show me the needle and the blood practically jumps out.

Good luck, I know how hard it is going through this with them but we have to be there don't we.

@WorraLiberty

worraliberty - my DD is pretty ill with Long Covid, I am having to juggle home schooling/taking care of a sick child. She is unhappy at missing school/hobbies. I have to attend meetings and speak to people at school about it and make a compromise they all agree on. My autistic teen has his own issues, I'm having to deal with along with issues at college and home educating him. We have little money and struggle for heat and food and paying the mortgage. I have hypothyroidism which makes me so tired and also hard to find the right words etc. I'm in desperate need of trauma therapy but still on waiting list. I don't think I'm exhausting myself. I'm just overwhelmed.

And yet you've spent five solid hours on this thread, posting about an innocuous comment that upset your DD but only took her a few minutes to calm down.

Like I said, you're exhausting yourself here.

You could be right. I just always feel if someone has taken the time to reply I should respond. Most of the time I find MN so helpful. But yes, you're right this thread hasn't been and is probably making my mental health worse, thank you