Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be put off by dating a mid 40 year old who lives with his mum?

347 replies

CheckandChallenge · 07/03/2022 13:33

Wise MN, please tell me what you think.
Have got back onto the online dating business game, matched with someone on tinder - he comes across as really nice, we have good chat and he's good looking from his photos.
He mentioned he's self employed and lock down hit his business very hard and he was forced to make some changes.
One of those is that he had to move back home to his mum's (dad not around) to get back on his feet.
How would you feel about this? on the one hand, I'm put off by it as I am a mid 30s very independent single parent who has a mortgaged property.
On the other hand, I feel really mean for judging him, but I have visions of "mummy's boy" in my head and I really don't want to deal with that.
We're supposed to be meeting this week and I feel really put off, but part of me still wants to give him a chance as he has been nothing but respectful.
What do you think? would this put you off?

OP posts:
sala7 · 07/03/2022 16:24

OP, his do you know he has this “new but 5 year-old car” if you never met him? How on earth would you know the reg of his car? If he’s made a point of telling you this - well, that’s definitely weird.

dirtyjoan · 07/03/2022 16:24

I think I'd be ok with it as a temp option. That's a different prospect to someone who has never left home.

I always said I would never live with a guy who hadn't lived alone at all as I wouldn't want to take over from his mum!

Blondeshavemorefun · 07/03/2022 16:26

@CheckandChallenge

I am unsure how to drop the questions in about his living arrangements prior to lock down and his estimated timescales of moving without it feeling like an interrogation.
Must be hard living with your mum after having own place

Where did you live before

Do you hope you can move out soon

nettie434 · 07/03/2022 16:30

I think it would be a shame to miss the chance of meeting someone you like assuming you are just meeting for coffee/a drink.

Until you meet him you won't really be able to decide whether he has just had bad luck or if he is a mummy's boy as you put it.

LondonJax · 07/03/2022 16:33

Look at it the other way.

In 30 years time one of your kids falls on hard times and has to give up their home. You offer them a bed with you (what parent wouldn't?) What would you think if someone decided not to go on one date because of that?

I think as long as you take it slowly - as I'd expect you would no matter what his circumstances were - you'll soon judge if living with mum is temporary or he's becoming comfortable with it.

peachy3 · 07/03/2022 16:33

So he’s opened up to you about his struggle through lockdown and being self employed and you’re getting “Mummy’s Boy” vibes from him because he’s had to move in with her to get back on his feet after one of the most physically and mentally challenging times for a lot of people.

Grow up woman.

PiperPosey · 07/03/2022 16:42

@CheckandChallenge

I think I want to give him a chance as he's been respectful and nice, but as mentioned, I wasn't sure if I was being unreasonable by having these thoughts about living with his mum.
Just go on a date with an open mind. He was honest with you. So many took a hit with Covid. He could have easily lied to you, but chose to tell the truth before you met face to face. Good Luck..and who knows he could be the one. Flowers
KatherineJaneway · 07/03/2022 16:43

Go on the date. You'll find out more and hopefully answer some of your concerns. As PP said if he'd always lived with his mum then that is one thing but he's been open with you so I say give him a chance.

Willow2017 · 07/03/2022 16:43

@Arabellla

Businesses got relief and were able to apply for £50k loads during the pandemic. The checks on those loans were very rudimentary and most got the loan.

I'd be wary of someone who pissed all that away.

Businesses had to jump through hoops to get money. Every obstacle was put in the way of claiming it. Many people waited months and months for those cheques. Some went out of business before they even got them. Its not as black and white as you think.
AuntieMabelsSister · 07/03/2022 16:45

How odd to be so harsh on someone you have never met.
Covid affected many people financially.

At least he is with his Mum (so they have a good relationship) rather than living in a hostel or a B&B or even a van!

Be a bit more open-minded and wait and see how he is when you meet.

UnsuitableHat · 07/03/2022 16:45

Wouldn’t bother me at all if it’s a temporary measure. He perhaps gets on very well with his mum and it’s a good solution for him at the moment.

thisplaceisweird · 07/03/2022 16:46

Presumably he bought his car in or before 2017, way before the pandemic (2.5 years), and while business was going well.

Maybe he's moved back in with his mum because she needs a little extra care, maybe something happened in the family and he is giving her support (e.g. bereavement), maybe he is saving and wants to have a good chunk saved before he gets into a rental agreement (sensible). Maybe he's waiting to buy a house and didn't want to waste money renting in the meantime.

If he's so brilliant in other ways, give him a date and see. If not, don't waste his time.

fridgepants · 07/03/2022 16:46

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the user's request.

Blinky21 · 07/03/2022 16:47

Don't date the poor guy, you are way too judgemental! You've never met him but you feel you can comment on how you are assuming he spends his money

CognitiveDissolver · 07/03/2022 16:47

It wouldn't be for me OP, but I'm a bit wary of men looking for somewhere to live (i.e. my place) and that he was insolvent or had financial difficulties or something. I'm also not keen on flashy expensive cars and I'd prefer the character type that would pay a mortgage or rent before paying for a flash car. Its quite a good time to sell second hand cars at the moment too so I wouldn't feel compatible. I've heard plenty of men say they are holding off dating until they have their own place or a job or whatever. And there are plenty of jobs going if his business is doing so poorly.

nokidshere · 07/03/2022 16:50

It's ok to have preconceived ideas. It's ok to have things you don't want to get involved with. When I was younger my personal parameters for dating were no parents, no one in the armed forces, no drinkers. This didn't have anything to do with them but my own experiences of those things.

What's not ok is to accept the date whilst knowing that that particular thing is a dealbreaker. Or accepting the date and judging them on their choices.

If you don't want to be with someone who lives with their parents then don't date them. It's really simple.

HotChoc10 · 07/03/2022 16:51

Haven't read the whole thing but... you say he's a hard worker, he's working to get his business back on its feet after a completely unprecedented kind of disruption that none of us predicted... so this wouldn't bother me at all.

If he didn't have a work ethic and had always lived with his mum because it was the easier option, I wouldn't be interested, but that's not the case here.

butterpuffed · 07/03/2022 16:52

You're judging him before you've even had a date. Let him go, for his sake.

shinynewapple22 · 07/03/2022 16:52

It's also possible if he is in his 40s that his mother may now be in a position where her health is starting to fail and he is providing support . This would obviously also impact on any future relationship.

I would give it a go though - no harm in going on one date .

Ohbuggeritsme · 07/03/2022 16:53

I'd still gone it a go, seems like a completely legitimate reason for staying at mum's for time being.

My brother is just his late 40's and up until 2.5 years ago lived with my mum and dad. His daughter passed away very young, marriage broke up and he just needed some time to put himself in the right headspace. He is now in a relationship and they have bought their first house together 2.5 years ago.

These things sometimes happen, but I certainly wouldn't let it put me off in the short term

Ohbuggeritsme · 07/03/2022 16:53

give not gone

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 07/03/2022 16:55

I had to move back in with my parents after a relationship breakdown a few years ago.

I'm so glad my now-DH never judged me like MN seems to judge those who fall on hard times.

BitOutOfPractice · 07/03/2022 16:56

@Arabellla

Businesses got relief and were able to apply for £50k loads during the pandemic. The checks on those loans were very rudimentary and most got the loan.

I'd be wary of someone who pissed all that away.

Oh Arabella you are very funny!
maddiemookins16mum · 07/03/2022 16:56

@Comedycook

If he'd always lived at home I'd be a bit Hmm

If it's a temporary measure I could look past it

This.
TYbakedpotato · 07/03/2022 16:57

The accusations of gold digger are hilarious - the OP has her own gold, if anything, she just wants to make sure he doesn't come digging after hers, given she worked hard for it, and has kids to support!

Life can temporarily go to shit. I'd be understanding of that. But I'd want to find out more about his plans to get back on his feet.

There's 'self-employment' and then there's being an entrepreneur. His previous business might have been more like a pin money hobby, or it might have been a business empire in a sector hit badly by Covid. True entrepreneurs fall hard, but they rise highly too, and will get back on their feet. The other kind? It's like a dead end job, just under the disguise of 'I'm a director'. Ever noticed how many men on OLD say they're 'directors'? Doesn't mean anything without the context.

I'd be wary, but keep an open mind. He said he had moved back home, not that he'd never left home.

I can completely relate to the OP wanting to date someone who is her financial equal - not because I want someone to pay for me, but because I don't want to be continually bailing out a man who had nothing to do with my previous success.