Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be put off by dating a mid 40 year old who lives with his mum?

347 replies

CheckandChallenge · 07/03/2022 13:33

Wise MN, please tell me what you think.
Have got back onto the online dating business game, matched with someone on tinder - he comes across as really nice, we have good chat and he's good looking from his photos.
He mentioned he's self employed and lock down hit his business very hard and he was forced to make some changes.
One of those is that he had to move back home to his mum's (dad not around) to get back on his feet.
How would you feel about this? on the one hand, I'm put off by it as I am a mid 30s very independent single parent who has a mortgaged property.
On the other hand, I feel really mean for judging him, but I have visions of "mummy's boy" in my head and I really don't want to deal with that.
We're supposed to be meeting this week and I feel really put off, but part of me still wants to give him a chance as he has been nothing but respectful.
What do you think? would this put you off?

OP posts:
Halllyup17 · 07/03/2022 16:00

There's some bloody judgemental people on here. Let's hope none of you ever have the misfortune to lose your six-figure salaries, eh?

MissTrip82 · 07/03/2022 16:00

I don’t think it’s superficial to prefer a potential partner in his mid 40s to have greater financial security than this man had.

billy1966 · 07/03/2022 16:01

Perfectly reasonable to ask how has he adjusted to moving back home in the context of the whole Covid thing.

When did he move home?
Does he miss his old place.

All conversationally when you can see his face.

Men who have lived at home and never paid bills tend to be very, very mean.

They think £50 is loads to run a house, heat, feed and supply laundry and food.

I would be very wary.

5128gap · 07/03/2022 16:03

@CheckandChallenge

Please don't make this thread about being self employed and lock down - this thread isn't about that.
You can't take those two things out of the equation though, because they're the very reason why he's in the situation that worries you. Had there not been covid it seems he would be living independently with a viable business, but covid changed things for a lot of people. I don't think its sensible to let the results of a pandemic serve as a guide to his personality and prospects.
LottyD32 · 07/03/2022 16:05

@CheckandChallenge

Wise MN, please tell me what you think. Have got back onto the online dating business game, matched with someone on tinder - he comes across as really nice, we have good chat and he's good looking from his photos. He mentioned he's self employed and lock down hit his business very hard and he was forced to make some changes. One of those is that he had to move back home to his mum's (dad not around) to get back on his feet. How would you feel about this? on the one hand, I'm put off by it as I am a mid 30s very independent single parent who has a mortgaged property. On the other hand, I feel really mean for judging him, but I have visions of "mummy's boy" in my head and I really don't want to deal with that. We're supposed to be meeting this week and I feel really put off, but part of me still wants to give him a chance as he has been nothing but respectful. What do you think? would this put you off?
No. These are unprecedented times.
Duchess379 · 07/03/2022 16:08

I'm mid 40s & still live with my parents, but only because I'm the main carer for my mum. We're not all 'tied to mummy's apron strings' and lord knows I'd love to go off & live my own life but my parents health will suffer. It is what it is, unfortunately.

Sugarplumfairy65 · 07/03/2022 16:10

@LondonWolf

I'm not overthinking it, I just don't think I want to date someone who hasn't got their priorities sorted in life and is too comfortable being with mummy!

Why is it seen as acceptable to sneer at mother/son relationships once the son is an adult? Serious question. MN is horrible for this.

I can never understand this either.
VicaAska · 07/03/2022 16:10

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 07/03/2022 16:12

It depends why he's there really.
I have to say it would put me right off but I'm being a bit of a hypocrite because I live with my 40 year old son and DiL BUT.... we're only doing it because they can't get on the housing ladder so we bought a house together and shut one third of it off for me with my own front door.
I don't do anything for them washing or laundry and I certainly don't want to see them everyday. I'm still working full time.
My mortgage is paid off so they pay the extra mortgage they took out to buy the house and we share the bills and council tax.
Is he saving for his own place?

Wren44 · 07/03/2022 16:13

You don’t know what he’s been through, what he has lost, what changes he was forced to make just to stay afloat. Why can’t he move in with his mother, if it means he can keep his head above water and pay off or save what he needs to to get ahead again.

Plenty of decent, hard working, responsible people fall on hard times but don’t even have anyone to help them out - mother or anyone else. So many people lost so much over the pandemic, so many people trying to recover the best way they can. You are definitely being unreasonable on this.

Readytopop2022x · 07/03/2022 16:13

@CheckandChallenge

He definitely won't be knowing where I live! or getting his own key! My house is my house and not welcome to a man to live in.
Isn't it amazing how some MN'ers get carried away with their judgemental thoughts 🤣 go on the date, and if he still gives you the idk, you don't have to see him again! Good luck xxx
ForTheHorde · 07/03/2022 16:13

I think it really doesn’t matter whether MNs users are put off or not. It depends on what you think. I can’t stress this enough, but you can choose not to date someone for any reason at all. You don’t need permission to not go on a date.

But that said, for me I would be put off. I wouldn’t like feeling like it all overnights or staying in would always be at my house for the foreseeable future. For others they might be okay with that. It’s entirely up to how you feel about it OP.

Wren44 · 07/03/2022 16:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sportslady44 · 07/03/2022 16:14

Yes and there will be something wrong with the next date and so on and so forth.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 07/03/2022 16:16

I was a single mum too OP, own home, full time job. Times are hard for kids now. Property prices are at an all time high. Our first home was £18k and I could afford that easily on my own.
The house we live in now is a reasonable size but £400k first time buyers just can't afford that. They've been saving for many years but with rent sky high £1000 a month for a crappy one bed flat they just haven't been able to save enough.

Benjispruce5 · 07/03/2022 16:16

I wouldn’t t discount him. He’s made a sensible choice to help him manage a tricky time for his business. At least get to know him before you make assumptions.

Butchyrestingface · 07/03/2022 16:16

I can't wait for the update where this bloke takes OP home to meet his mum and it turns out they're living in Downton Abbey. Grin

Thisisworsethananticpated · 07/03/2022 16:17

Life can batter many people
I’d give him a chance personally
But approach slowly

JesusMaryAndJosephAndTheWeeDon · 07/03/2022 16:18

If he has lived independently in the past but has moved back home due to circumstance I wouldn't dismiss him based upon that alone.

It is very different from someone who has never lived independently.

His decision to move in with his Mum during Covid sounds very sensible indeed and caring. Not only does he save money while his business is struggling (safeguarding his future income and potentially saving jobs of other people) but he also ensured his Mum wasn't alone, had practical help when things were difficult and care if she got ill and wasn't lonely.

Many people really struggled with isolation during lockdown and I wouldn't blame anyone for moving in with family in those circumstances. A few of my colleagues did despite well paid WFH jobs that were secure, because it was better for them and their parent.

I wouldn't hold the car against him either. A 17 plate car could have been bought pre-Covid, and if leased or PCP it may not be sensible to try and get rid or downgrade it, especially not with high second hand values during and post lockdown. His business may also mean he needs a car.

Obviously if you don't enjoy his company there's no obligation but it seems daft to dismiss a man who is otherwise suitable for what may well have been a sensible and caring decision.

WisherWood · 07/03/2022 16:22

I'm not overthinking it, I just don't think I want to date someone who hasn't got their priorities sorted in life and is too comfortable being with mummy!

Well you could go on a few dates and find out what he's like. As PP have said, I've known men who allow their mothers to dominate their lives but they don't actually live with them. They just never cut the apron strings. Whereas I've known men who've moved back in temporarily with their parents who are strong and independent, but who also recognise that sometimes it makes financial sense to house share, and sometimes that's with your parents.

I think some people don't get that in order to maintain financial independence, not only do you have to work hard, you have to have had a certain amount of luck, or at least not had too much bad luck. I've been forced out of a job and a career through bullying. If I could have moved back in with my parents I might well have done so. It doesn't make me weak or financially irresponsible, it's just that sometimes shit happens. But if you've gone through life without this, there is a tendency to think it's because you're better and work harder. Now some if it will be hard work, but some of it will be down to circumstances as well.

You keep saying you appreciate his kindness. What if that goes hand in hand with his relationship with his mother? She allowed him back, after all. I mean sure, if he's got his feet under the table, let's her do all the housework and has no intention of moving out, then I wouldn't date him. But if it's temporary and he does his fair share, and more, around the house, I wouldn't let it put me off.

Youcansaythatagainandagain · 07/03/2022 16:23

I think you should meet him.
I know a lovely man who lived with his mother.
His mother lived in a big house and in a nice area. There was plenty of room for both of them. She was old and needed help and he stayed with her and cared for her until she passed away. I thought so much of him for doing this. Sadly, women did judge him for not being 'independent'. Their loss.

Satsumaeater · 07/03/2022 16:23

I think the judgment on here is rather odd. Surely lots of people fall on hard times and move back in with their parents (or other relatives, for example my BIL moved back in with SIL when he split up with his wife).

And why can't he date because he's fallen on hard times? Is he not allowed to have any fun?

OP go out with him, see what you think of him. You'll soon know if he's a Mummy's boy or not.

DrSbaitso · 07/03/2022 16:24

It may be a temporary measure but I'd prefer to date someone who's past that particular point.

CharlieBoo · 07/03/2022 16:24

I totally get where you’re coming from. It all depends if he’s ever moved out, had a serious relationship/lives with someone/alone and this is just a temporary measure.

Satsumaeater · 07/03/2022 16:24

(by the way BIL is now married to someone else, he didn't stay with his sister for ever!)