To think nursery shouldn’t be organising a Mother’s Day lunch?

[Chocolateatweekends]

It’s during the day midweek which is when a lot of mums will be at work. Feeling a bit rubbish I won’t be able to be there. I know my 15 month old won’t know, but I still feel sad

Genuine question
I’m a nursery manager
When would it be better?
At the weekend? Not sure that would go down very well with the staff!
Or not at all? Just because you can’t go, you would be happy for everyone to miss it?

I went to one of these events when my dc were in pre school and several of the children were overwhelmed and crying - it was noisy, full of adults chattering, not remotely child centred. The ones who weren’t upset were a bit hyper. A few playing up because neither the staff or dps were entirely sure who was in charge.

I was at a loss to see who was benefitting.

It’s a lovely idea but sometimes these things should stay as ideas!

@FujiIX

Genuine question I’m a nursery manager When would it be better? At the weekend? Not sure that would go down very well with the staff! Or not at all? Just because you can’t go, you would be happy for everyone to miss it?

At drop-off or pick-up is best, so that people can fit it into their day, because they are often working and that's why you have the children. You could even offer an option for everyone to sign up to come to one or the other, then people can work around their schedules.

If it helps OP.

When my eldest was at nursery I was working full time and this was pre covid so I was working in an office miles away.

I never made it to any of these teas, breakfasts etc.

With my second I was a SAHP but covid had hit so nursery was either closed totally or closed to visitors. Any special events they did we weren't able to go to.

Now eldest is in school they have stay and plays. I can't go to all of them even though I'm a SAHP because I can't take the youngest.

It's shit but it is what it is. Other parents can make it and they can't please everyone all the time. It's a life lesson that sometimes we have to miss out

At this age your child won’t really notice or care! It’s harder for them at primary age when they’re older as although you can tell them that you’re working to earn money they often still don’t really understand, especially when they see other parents there. There will be so many different events at primary age. We get notice and my DH books leave if he wants to see the DC in a show for example, and if he can’t make it then that’s that.

I think it’s really miserable to complain just because you can’t make it - this will happen time and time again in primary school.

Also not everyone sends their children to nursery for childcare.

I am sorry but this is bonkers. We pay almost my entire salary to have our children at nursery to allow me to work. So I am paying for them to attend and then taking AL as well? And I also have a school age child so my AL has to be used to cover school holidays, and I work within education so can't take leave during term time unless it's a necessity and same fo my husband. There is a big difference between primary schools having sports days, end of term assemblies and a childcare setting asking you to take time off. Our nursery never has, there is usually a picture or a craft. We still haven't been allowed to set foot inside either due to covid. It's of course fair that the op feels a twinge of guilt at missing out as well as irritation for something like this being organised without consideration by the nursery about working mothers either.

@FujiIX - not at all. Plenty of scope to celebrate Mother's Day through card making etc.
I love the idea someone posted up thread of bringing in a photo of the DM or maternal figure and the DCs playing recognition games around that.

Mrex Not all parents drop off as the nursery opens and not all pick up when the nursery closes. It would seem the only solution is to not bother organising anything, and the be honest as a member of staff that is the option i would have preferred.

My DS' nursery are doing the same kind of thing. I work flexibly, so taking time off isn't the issue, but it's slap bang in the middle of the working day which is an odd choice in my mind. It's not just being there for the event that's the issue, it's also the additional time getting to/from nursery and the fact that it's going to finish an hour and a half before I collect him anyway so I may as well just take him home with me when I leave, but then I effectively lose the whole afternoon. A breakfast would make so much more sense.

I'm glad they're doing something, and I expect I will go because I don't want him to be sad that I'm not there and I have the luxury of flexible hours and family friendly employers, but that won't be the case for everyone and there's no avoiding the fact that it's been scheduled for a hugely inconvenient time of day for most parents who work.

@FujiIX

Genuine question I’m a nursery manager When would it be better? At the weekend? Not sure that would go down very well with the staff! Or not at all? Just because you can’t go, you would be happy for everyone to miss it?

There is no one time that will work for everyone.

What you can do is share it round, so that it's not always the same slot, so that those who can never rearrange their afternoons always miss out (ditto mornings or lunchtimes). Times abutting the times when parents are picking up/dropping off and so are travelling to the setting anyhow can be considerably more convenient that ones which demand an extra journey.

So I'd alternate special breakfasts and late afternoon teas. And give oodles of notice and have no last minute changes whatsoever - infuriating to negotiate time off and then be told the day before that the time is moving by an hour!

But when paying a huge amount for essential childcare while you work it is thoughtless. The child is likely only at nursery because parents are working

But it’s optional, not compulsory so I’m struggling to see how it’s thoughtless. At my setting there is always a good turn out for mums and dads (on Father’s Day) as lots of parents are working from home and can pop in. There’s absolutely no pressure to make it and OP definitely don’t be the only one...

I think you need to get out ofthe mindset of because you can't do something no one should be able to.

Also let go now of whatever you are feeling about it. I'd say you'd feel mum guilt which is very common. I try not to because men don't feel guilty or bad for their children over things like this. I can count on my fingers how many times dh has been to a school event for my y3 and y6 dc! I did most of the nursery things despite his job being equally flexible. He just saw it as a waste of time.

At 15mo your dc will be fine. It's more important to show up for performances such as the school play or assembly. Sadly as a teacher you can't. What you get instead is a chance to spend school holidays with your dc. So whilst I can go to the odd school event I put my children in holiday clubs. I don't feel bad for them. Holiday clubs are great. Should every child be forced to go to holiday clubs because I can't spend holidays with my dc? No of course not.

It seems like you just need to adjust to being a working parent and the compromises that involves. IMO worth it.

I don’t really understand this viewpoint - you can’t go so nobody should ever do anything nice.

I work 100% flexibly so I could turn up, I’d just work after she’d gone to bed or was napping another day. Other jobs I’ve worked before I had children people used to pop out on early lunch for things like nativities or assemblies. Loads of the mums using our nursery (private, not school) don’t work but send them for a couple of mornings so they can get things done.

We also have lots of events - sports days, parents lunches and nearly all the mums and dads turn up.

@FujiIX

Genuine question I’m a nursery manager When would it be better? At the weekend? Not sure that would go down very well with the staff! Or not at all? Just because you can’t go, you would be happy for everyone to miss it?

Not 2.30pm unless your nursery generally closes at 3.30pm.

I know people will all drop off and pick up at different times, but an 8 or 8.30am drop off breakfast or an afternoon tea starting sometime between 3.30pm and 4.30pm before 5-6pm collection would at least mean that more people should be able to attend and they won't be taking entire half days off.

I don’t think nursery being unreasonable at all. I am sure they will make cards etc. and not their responsibility. We are adults. Your 15 month old obviously can’t do much. Why don’t you organise a Mother’s Day breakfast for yourself on Saturday?

@Chocolateatweekends

when else could a nursery be open to working parents during the week

At pick up and drop off.

But there will be some people who can’t make that, because they have to drop off and then run immediately to work/school drop off, or because they finish work and rush to nursery to pick up right at the end of the day.

There’s not going to be a time that suits everyone - this one doesn’t suit you, maybe another one will. As long as they do a variety, I don’t see the issue.

When I viewed my child’s nursery they made it pretty clear they didn’t do any events of this nature. They have a summer fair on a Saturday and a Christmas grotto on the last day of nursery before Christmas (and all kids leave straight after). I didn’t know any different and there was never a feeling of missing out.

I got a real shock when my eldest started school and these events started circulating. Reading mornings. Science day. Nativity. Sports day. All during the working day. All with the expectation that a parent would attend. It always fell to me as I’m self employed and although I did enjoy them for the most part, I could have done without it.

I’m not sure what the answer is, although I agree with those saying it’s really not necessary to do an event like this for an 18 month old.

@LowlandLucky

Mrex Not all parents drop off as the nursery opens and not all pick up when the nursery closes. It would seem the only solution is to not bother organising anything, and the be honest as a member of staff that is the option i would have preferred.

You asked what time would work and I very reasonably explained that the majority are more likely to be available at either drop-off or pick-up than in the middle of the working day. Now you're being stroppy "not to bother organising anything", but nobody asked you to organise anything. If you want to do something nice for people, the trick is to make it actually work FOR THEM. If you can't be bothered to do that then don't bother at all. Make footprint cards or whatever, it's more appropriate anyway than demanding that mothers using childcare turn up to be with their child, as though you assume they were doing nothing else all day long.

@FujiIX

Genuine question I’m a nursery manager When would it be better? At the weekend? Not sure that would go down very well with the staff! Or not at all? Just because you can’t go, you would be happy for everyone to miss it?

This nursery setting is for working parents. They can’t pop in and see their child and if they wanted to take A/L they wouldn’t spend it at the nursery / they’d do something else more fun. Why is it so hard to understand? It’s not the same as primary school at. Parents are paying a lot of money to be at work.

Depends what sort of nursery it is. If it's a day nursery they are probably open until 6.30pm and they could have done it later as a Mother's Day tea, if it's a nursery with school hours then they could have only done it between 9am and 3.30pm.

Our school used to do sthg similar pre covid but always at 9am and you could send a grandma or aunt and they made a point of it being “Mothers and other important women”. At 9am most but not all mums could come and go to work late.
Middle of the day is just daft unless it’s a token gesture to invite mums and they don’t actually expect mums to come.

I thought Mothers and Fathers days events had gone out with the Ark!
We would not have done this 20 years ago when I worked in a nursery as the emphasis was inclusivity and not all children lie with their mother or father or even see them. It is a very old fashioned and insensitive idea.
At least your baby is too young to know what is going on. And I agree an event like this is not about the children by the parents needs. The children will not benefit from mothers dropping in for an hour and then going away again. It is likely to cause a lot of crying and confusion.

Ahhh our nursery does things like that! I’ve managed to get to one thing since she started… I actually find though that it’s better not to attend when they are little as they just want to come home with you… and they don’t understand that they stay and you go

I don’t really understand this viewpoint - you can’t go so nobody should ever do anything nice.

I agree with this! With my two, they've done various things at nursery and school over the years. Sometimes I could make it, sometimes I couldn't but I never felt that because I couldn't make it, no one else should be able to go. Since wfh it's a lot easier for me to be able to do this kind of thing as I can work flexibly. There's never any judgement towards the parents who can't go.

@Fartymcfart

This seems "I can't do something so no-one else should get to do it either!"

Totally!