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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want child spying on us in our garden?

241 replies

NorthernMoon · 06/03/2022 21:02

Our neighbour lets her daughter (age 6) peer through our back gate or a crack in the back fence quietly watching us, with her nose up against the fence. The houses aren’t next to each other, she comes down the lane behind the houses and stares in. I know she does this because her mum has told me, and yesterday I could see her feet at the bottom of the gate.
My child is friends with her and she comes to play sometimes. I don’t mind her coming in to play when we’ve arranged it, but I do mind being secretly watched in my garden and the parents thinking it’s ok to let them. Also it’s awkward knowing they’re there watching us when I don’t always want to invite them in.

AIBU to think parents should stop their child from staring through a crack in someone’s fence/gate because it’s rude?
AIBU to think I’m entitled to privacy in my own garden?

I know she’s only a kid but it’s mostly about the parents not stopping it, and also about setting boundaries with neighbours as I don’t want to have to invite them in every time the child appears at the back gate.

OP posts:
Lady089 · 07/03/2022 11:46

I don’t believe anyone in the real world would actually suggest things that have been mentioned in this thread. OP use your words, if it really bothers you, knock on your neighbours door, explain that their daughter is looking through gaps in your gate and you feel it’s an intrusion on your privacy and cover up the gaps. I couldn’t however get worked up over a 6 year old spying on me in the garden which I’m sure is not for hours on end. However, as it bothers you just speak to the parents, she’s too young to understand social cues.

Original poster
NorthernMoon · 07/03/2022 11:49

Just for the record, I’m not afraid of speaking to the child or the parents and I haven’t said it’s a massive issue. I just asked if IABU to feel the way that I do about privacy and boundaries.
I don’t mind inviting her in to play sometimes. She isn’t peering in out of loneliness, she’s got her own siblings to play with, she’s from a big family. She’s just out in the back lane being nosy. Shes a nice kid, I just don’t like being watched in my garden.
Again, I have no intention of hosing anyone else’s children or being nasty to anyone.
Thanks for all the replies.

OP posts:
AnnesBrokenSlate · 07/03/2022 11:49

@zeldaonadreamcloud

I used to have kids everyday at home when my own were little. They would invite themselves or appear in my front step wanting to come and play without shame. It's a time I will always remember as the happiest in my life - it was lovely

I'm on team @Alondra
When I was little me the kids across the street would call on each other and play with each other all the time. There was no expectation that parents organised children's play. It was brilliant for us and the adults. I am delighted that my kids have this same experience thanks to the child next door.

II am genuinely taken aback by some of the attitudes here. This situation seems like a win/win boon to me. Kids being able to call on their own friends is brilliant for all concerned.

Yy when my DC were little the children in the same square would come and knock on the door every day. We'd take turns to have them at our house or in the garden. If we'd been in the garden and they had been peeking in through the fence, we'd have checked with their parents if it was ok for them to come in to play for ten minutes. The attitudes on this thread are very odd.
thebabessavedme · 07/03/2022 11:55

@Arabellla Good Morning to you to dear. Have a lovely one.

millytilly34 · 07/03/2022 12:02

@NorthernMoon

Just for the record, I’m not afraid of speaking to the child or the parents and I haven’t said it’s a massive issue. I just asked if IABU to feel the way that I do about privacy and boundaries. I don’t mind inviting her in to play sometimes. She isn’t peering in out of loneliness, she’s got her own siblings to play with, she’s from a big family. She’s just out in the back lane being nosy. Shes a nice kid, I just don’t like being watched in my garden. Again, I have no intention of hosing anyone else’s children or being nasty to anyone. Thanks for all the replies.
You haven't suggested being horrible to the child, at all. it's just some of the replies you received that are alarming, not your initial post. It's not your fault you got some people replying nastily.x
teateaandcoffee · 07/03/2022 12:06

I would just cover the gap and leave it at that.

2bazookas · 07/03/2022 12:09

@Bringsexyback

You could be charged with assault for purposely turning a hose pipe on a child
Watering the garden is totally legitimate. So is waterplay with resident children and dogs.

"oops, you were playing hide and peek so we didn't notice you".

LadyCordeliaFitzgerald · 07/03/2022 12:14

I think you should tell the child that it’s rude - her dps haven’t and she needs to know. You don’t have to say it in a nasty way. Try and strike a kindly, matter of fact tone.

And if she does it again just shout a cheery “hello X, how are you today? How’s school”

We’re a very dysfunctional society in our insistence that dps should be the only ones to teach their dc anything. Takes a village and all that.

zeldaonadreamcloud · 07/03/2022 12:21

Who are these people coming up with legal justifications for deliberately hosing down a a six year old child you are mildly irked with?!

Doing that makes you a wanker whether it is legal or not.

Booboobibles · 07/03/2022 12:25

People are suggesting spraying a six year old girl with a hose pipe?!!!

That’s slightly mental.

Do you worry about squirrels looking at you too?

She’s just a tiny little girl….leave her alone and get on with your life!

Rosesandblossoms · 07/03/2022 12:30

@BeetyAxe

Every time she does it you open the gate, say kindly but firmly “off you go now, it’s rude to peer into peoples gardens” and if it persists, you start bringing her back home and telling her parents not to let her do it. Tell her if she wants to call to play with your DD that’s fine,but she can’t just stand there outside the fence.
This
HitsAndMrs · 07/03/2022 12:33

@Smokeahontas

You know those prank WhatsApp messages that play a sex noise? Play the sex noise on repeat if she’s with her mum. That’ll embarrass the mum…
Bit weird.
Notanotherwindow · 07/03/2022 12:36

Oh Hi Lucy, love. Did you want to play with Jenny?

Jenny, do you want to go play round Lucy's house?

I guarantee it will stop with almost immediate effect.

TeeBee · 07/03/2022 12:38

Hit the fence hard with a lump hammer.

zeldaonadreamcloud · 07/03/2022 12:38

Do you worry about squirrels looking at you too?

Grin
TeeBee · 07/03/2022 12:38

@Notanotherwindow

Oh Hi Lucy, love. Did you want to play with Jenny?

Jenny, do you want to go play round Lucy's house?

I guarantee it will stop with almost immediate effect.

Brilliant!
zeldaonadreamcloud · 07/03/2022 12:48

@Notanotherwindow

Oh Hi Lucy, love. Did you want to play with Jenny?

Jenny, do you want to go play round Lucy's house?

I guarantee it will stop with almost immediate effect.

I actually find it quite depressing that there's an assumption that parents don't want their children to have friends around to play.
limitedperiodonly · 07/03/2022 12:52

@NorthernMoon

Just for the record, I’m not afraid of speaking to the child or the parents and I haven’t said it’s a massive issue. I just asked if IABU to feel the way that I do about privacy and boundaries. I don’t mind inviting her in to play sometimes. She isn’t peering in out of loneliness, she’s got her own siblings to play with, she’s from a big family. She’s just out in the back lane being nosy. Shes a nice kid, I just don’t like being watched in my garden. Again, I have no intention of hosing anyone else’s children or being nasty to anyone. Thanks for all the replies.
It sounds annoying. If you are sometimes inviting her in to play that is nice and it's not reasonable to expect you to have her round all the time.

But I would dispute that she isn't lonely because she's from a big family. Plenty of people who grew up in big families talk about sometimes feeling lost as one child among many others. That's no reflection on parents with lots of children or saying they don't love them all. it's just acknowledging that handling five children is different from handling two.

My friend was the middle one of five and I wasn't an only child but the youngest of three by quite a long way so it was almost like being a singleton. She loved to come round because my house was so peaceful and I didn't have to share my toys. I used to go round there sometimes but I was always a bit shell-shocked because it was so busy!

My mum liked me having someone my own age to play with and she was a lovely little girl. But I'm sure like you my mum also valued time when she didn't have someone else's kid round!

I'm glad you aren't going to hose her or do anything like the other nasty people have suggested. You sound like a nice person who's a bit fed up. Understandable. But sometimes I really wonder whether some people on Mumsnet like children at all.

ThoseTallTrees · 07/03/2022 13:01

@zeldaonadreamcloud @AnnesBrokenSlate
I totally agree that it’s lovely to have free range children who run in and out of each other’s gardens and houses. It’s such a natural way for children to be.

Honestly I often think I am a really impatient bitch of a mother, and I don’t like kids and often regret having them - but my house was an open house for all the kids in the street and that part of it was wonderful. This is just a bored little girl who wants some interaction.

So much for “it takes a village”.

LookItsMeAgain · 07/03/2022 16:03

@zeldaonadreamcloud

Who are these people coming up with legal justifications for deliberately hosing down a a six year old child you are mildly irked with?!

Doing that makes you a wanker whether it is legal or not.

I'm not suggesting the OP does turn a hose on this 6 yr old child but I was asking the person who said it was assault to show me in whatever legislation they have where it says that it is assault because that is what they were asserting.
limitedperiodonly · 07/03/2022 16:54

@LookItsMeAgain it's common assault under the Criminal Justice Act 1988. It's minor but it is a criminal offence.

You probably wouldn't be charged if you could explain you were watering the garden and you didn't realise the child was behind the fence but if the child said you spoke to her or made eye contact before that might be more difficult to get out of. If the police were convinced you were lying but didn't think it worth taking to court they might try to get you to write a letter of apology or even accept a caution.

However tempting it is to take petty revenge on an annoying child it's usually not worth it and makes you look like a bit of an arsehole.

ClinkeyMonkey · 07/03/2022 17:10

The OP has clearly stated that she won't be turning the hose on the child or any of the other ridiculous OTT suggestions on here.

The thread appears to be more about wanting validation for her feelings of irritation towards the little girl. And, hey, she got that ok. Lots and lots of people extremely worked up at the very idea of being watched by a six year old. Seriously, FFS.

Justilou1 · 08/03/2022 01:35

I think the parent needs to know that the behaviour that she finds “cute” is actually rude, intrusive and illegal. I love dogs, (I even have one!) but I don’t love strange, offleash dogs jumping all over me. It’s not their fault, but they are invariably being followed by some annoying sap who looks on adoringly until they realize that you’re pissed off because your clothes are muddy, your arms are scratched and they have neglected their duty as a dog owner.
This parent needs to know that not everyone finds this as cute as she does.

butterpuffed · 08/03/2022 08:58

@TeeBee

Hit the fence hard with a lump hammer.
Like in a horror film ?
Neapolitanicecream · 08/03/2022 10:03

Just came onto to say I saw the dog tail wagging as he had pushed himself halfway through the hedge to stare at the neighbours who I think are ignoring him !!! As I couldn’t call him away LOL