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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want child spying on us in our garden?

241 replies

NorthernMoon · 06/03/2022 21:02

Our neighbour lets her daughter (age 6) peer through our back gate or a crack in the back fence quietly watching us, with her nose up against the fence. The houses aren’t next to each other, she comes down the lane behind the houses and stares in. I know she does this because her mum has told me, and yesterday I could see her feet at the bottom of the gate.
My child is friends with her and she comes to play sometimes. I don’t mind her coming in to play when we’ve arranged it, but I do mind being secretly watched in my garden and the parents thinking it’s ok to let them. Also it’s awkward knowing they’re there watching us when I don’t always want to invite them in.

AIBU to think parents should stop their child from staring through a crack in someone’s fence/gate because it’s rude?
AIBU to think I’m entitled to privacy in my own garden?

I know she’s only a kid but it’s mostly about the parents not stopping it, and also about setting boundaries with neighbours as I don’t want to have to invite them in every time the child appears at the back gate.

OP posts:
MinnieGirl · 07/03/2022 08:20

Polite word to the parents….
We’ve noticed that x seems to spend a lot of time peering through our fence/back gate. This does make us very uncomfortable, to the point of not being able to enjoy being outside. Please tell her it needs to stop. If she wants to knock for y she needs to use the front door.

TenRedThings · 07/03/2022 08:22

Children are curious and maybe no one's told her that it's rude to spy. She's only 6 ! Open the gate next time and kindly explain to her that she mustn't do it because it's rude.

Dguu6u · 07/03/2022 08:28

She’s six, she doesn’t know what’s right or wrong and her parents are clearly not teaching her. Next time she does it, tell her it’s rude to stare into people’s gardens. Make sure you’re saying it loudly enough so her parents hear as well.

ABitBesotted · 07/03/2022 08:31

@MrsLargeEmbodied

Can I help you, when you open the gate
Not sure that six year olds are fluent in passive aggression.
Hopingforabagofbuttons · 07/03/2022 08:35

I feel sorry for this little girl . She’s 6 years old, nobody here knows what goes on in her home. Yes it’s annoying but really, putting marmite round the gap, dog crap , turn hose pipes on her . WTAF!!!
Can you not wait until she’s there , open the gate and explain gently that you are busy and that people don’t really like it if you watch them through the gate a lot . Maybe arrange a time at some point , the following week or week after for a play, (even if it’s only 2 hours or so), and then tell her she can see you then.
If that fails talk to the parents to explain you don’t feel comfortable being watched by their child.
You should be able to resolve this without shouting out peeking pervert to a 6 year old, or something is very very wrong

Alondra · 07/03/2022 08:36

Are you for real? You've made a post on MN because a 6 y.o child looks at you through the fence?

Get a life. You won't notice her then.

Thirkettle · 07/03/2022 08:49

Patch it and tell her to stop. You criticise the parents for not setting boundaries but you haven't said anything either.

"Don't stare through people's fences. Go home." Easy.

Gonnagetgoing · 07/03/2022 09:25

My DP's used to have 2 young girls from flats across the road come to the door because they saw the toys my nephew (grandson) has. I think once my mum might have spoken to them. Bad move, not spying but they'd come around every time to try and play. Their mum would let them, both under 10.

Eventually mum or stepdad both had a word with them to say not to come round again and my mum may have spoken to the mum to say it's not on. It was almost like unpaid childcare.

They stopped coming and I see them with their DM now if I go round there.

Gonnagetgoing · 07/03/2022 09:27

@Alondra

Are you for real? You've made a post on MN because a 6 y.o child looks at you through the fence?

Get a life. You won't notice her then.

@Alondra - no because it's bloody annoying and an intrusion of privacy.

When I was a DC occasionally me and DB would peer over neighbours fences but we were always told off and it was mostly if a ball was there.

It's a lack of social boundaries which the parents aren't enforcing and interfering with OP's life.

Bringsexyback · 07/03/2022 09:32

No I’m just not a fucking sociopath 🙄

Bringsexyback · 07/03/2022 09:32

@Bringsexyback

No I’m just not a fucking sociopath 🙄
Sorry my quote didn’t work but that was to the person who asked if I was the six-year-old‘s mum objecting to their child being physically assaulted.
Everydaydayisaschoolday · 07/03/2022 09:37

Open the gate and sweetly ask is everything Ok//do they need something? That should move them along.

Fredstheteds · 07/03/2022 09:37

Square of weed membrane over the hole and a nice climbing plant..

Lockheart · 07/03/2022 09:43

No wonder MN is full of people who don't speak to their neighbours if their first reaction to a mild annoyance is to turn a hosepipe on a small child / start screeching about perverts / leave dog shit on a footpath.

Does no-one use their words anymore? How the hell are you raising your children to deal with problems?

OP, YANBU to not want the girl to do this. A quick word with the parents or a gentle rebuke to the girl is all that should be needed. And get some good tall plants.

Rosehugger · 07/03/2022 09:50

It wouldn't bother me at the moment as it isn't warm enough to be outside for long periods. In the summer I'd go and talk to her "Hello again! How are you?" She's probably just a bit bored.

BlondeWidow · 07/03/2022 09:51

@chipsandpeas

id be having loud sweary inappropriate conversations or playing explicit music
HmmHmmHmm
Pregnagainagain · 07/03/2022 09:53

The parent has told you because they think it will make you invite her in, which will turn into get constantly appearing

Pregnagainagain · 07/03/2022 09:54

*her

Alondra · 07/03/2022 09:59

Gonnagetgoing

Intrusion of privacy because a 6.y.o is peering thru a crack on the fence? WTF.

Considering she's friends with the OP's child, she is likely looking for her friend if she is around in the garden. It's what kids do.

I'm just astonished so many of you think of this as an invasion of privacy. Poor kids.

JinglingHellsBells · 07/03/2022 10:00

IMO young children usually respond to a kind but firm word.

Tell her she ought not to be 'peeping' as it's considered rude.

I really don't think you ought to have to shell out to buy plants etc to block the view.

Ridiculous.

JinglingHellsBells · 07/03/2022 10:02

@Alondra

Gonnagetgoing

Intrusion of privacy because a 6.y.o is peering thru a crack on the fence? WTF.

Considering she's friends with the OP's child, she is likely looking for her friend if she is around in the garden. It's what kids do.

I'm just astonished so many of you think of this as an invasion of privacy. Poor kids.

What? Peeping a lot of the time? When she's not playing with the other child?

No, its rude, and any parent who knows their child does this should stop them.

BoodleBug51 · 07/03/2022 10:12

DD had this last summer with the young girl next door to them. She liked to play with the girls, but she was such a difficult child that the girls really didn't like playing with her..... so she'd call out constantly and pull chairs up to the fence throwing things over. After a week of it, DD had had enough and they put trellis up across the top of the fence with willow screening.

The Mum was very sniffy about it, and told DD that it had really upset her DD and she'd cried lots because she liked talking to the girls over the fence and DD would need take it down again because she didn't like her DD to be sad Hmm This girl was 4.

Gangreeeeen · 07/03/2022 10:13

I used to watch the neigh ours as a child. I was very lonely and lacked the social skills to go and talk to anyone or make friends. I would sit for a long time at my window watching people in their gardens and learning about how they go about life and things that I wasn't able to experience. Completely mortifying, as I absolutely hate being watched. My pare to would have told me now to if they had known, I think, so definitely parents are to blame. Makes me feel sad for the kid. They need to take her somewhere to occupy her.

zeldaonadreamcloud · 07/03/2022 10:15

Is she momentarily peering through to see if her friend is there to play with? If so that would not bother me.

We have a gap in our fence between us and neighbour and our kids run between it to play with each other. Neighbours child just comes in our house if backdoor is open. I like it. I like that the kids can organise their own playing instead of me having to organise play dates. Its how kids played when I was young and I think its better for them and me.

Alondra · 07/03/2022 10:17

JinglingHellsBells

She is a rude sociopathic little missy. She should be in the care of SS - obviously her parents can't control her behaviour to stop watching her neighbours garden thru the crack of the fence.' The parents can't provide proper guidelines to give the adult neighbours safety privacy issues against a 6.y.o. Shame on them!

I