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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it’s not fair to say I’ve ‘cancelled 4 times’?

483 replies

floorbird · 06/03/2022 13:01

NC as identifiable.

Fairly new friend, we met via an activity our DC attend. She saw an ad for another activity (for DC but to be honest it’s more of a parent social thing as babies don’t get much out of these things I suppose) and we agreed to go together.

The first time we planned to go to this activity I stupidly mixed the dates up. I have no idea how, I just had it in my head it was on one day but it was the day before. She went, asked what happened and I explained and apologised. We then went to the next one together and had a great time.

The next week, I couldn’t go as I was waiting for PCR results (neg).

The week after that, I had to cancel as I’d been in contact with a covid pos person. Can’t be helped. She went alone. I wondered if she seemed a bit short in her texts but assumed I was imagining it because it’s not like I could do anything about being in contact with a positive person.

The next week (a couple of days ago) I was unable to go because I’d been visiting sister in another city and with the baby being up all night and one thing or another the day got away from me (as it does with a young child!) and I wouldn’t have made it back to the place the activity is on time. I explained this to her and apologised profusely (I understand this would have been really annoying but it couldn’t be helped). She didn’t reply.

I texted her today to arrange us going to the next event together and she said seeing as I’ve cancelled four times she’ll just see me there if I make it. I haven’t cancelled 4 times?! The first time was a genuine mistake. 2nd time was waiting for covid test result. The 3rd time I was isolating. The 4th time yes I will admit I cancelled. But that’s one time. I haven’t replied yet, I’m annoyed that she’s acting like I’ve said ‘can’t be bothered’ 4 times! Confused

AIBU to be annoyed that she’s annoyed? Also it’s not like me not being there means she can’t go or enjoy the event. It’s not as if I had invited her round to mine and then just not answered the door!

OP posts:
Clymene · 06/03/2022 18:07

Also you don't seem to understand what the word cancelled means.

It means that a planned event will not take place. She is entirely correct - she arranged to meet you, you cancelled on four occasions.

The fact that you're not even taking responsibility for this screams FLAKE in sky high letters. I wouldn't bother with you again.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 06/03/2022 18:10

@floorbird

What makes you think she's acting as if it's the end of the world?

She sounds like she's just not that bothered as you've been (in her experience) flaky so she's said she'll just see you there rather than making plans.

So what on earth about that makes you think she thinks it's the end of the world?!

stuntbubbles · 06/03/2022 18:12

Can you suggest going to the class and then getting coffee afterwards
OP hasn’t gone to 4 out of 5 classes they made plans to. Doesn’t matter whether the coffee is before, after, during, in a takeaway cup or sitting down, if she doesn’t actually show up!

SW1amp · 06/03/2022 18:13

This reply has been deleted

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wtfisgoingonhere21 · 06/03/2022 18:22

@floorbird

Totally get the reason your friends said to just rock up whenever to be honest.

I've got a friend and a family member like this and after a while it's just fucking annoying to be let down all the time.

Her having more kids means she has a lot more to organise and sort out to be places on time so don't use that as an excuse as to why she's organised and your not.

Are you missing and cancelling loads of other things in life Aswell?

Because to your friend who has to be Uber organised having more kids to sort etc etc will probably be feeing like you don't really prioritise meeting up for a coffee on way to group after four times of letting her down.

I see your defensive of others pointing these things out and actually rather than picking out the wording she's used ie cancelled maybe you should be apologising and gracefully accepting you fucked up a few times and then endeavour to try and not let her down anymore.

She has a baby too op and other kids.

KatieKat88 · 06/03/2022 18:25

@stuntbubbles

Can you suggest going to the class and then getting coffee afterwards OP hasn’t gone to 4 out of 5 classes they made plans to. Doesn’t matter whether the coffee is before, after, during, in a takeaway cup or sitting down, if she doesn’t actually show up!
Yeah I'm assuming that her friend likes the class and is going regardless. It could be a way for OP to show some effort to restart the friendship but no risk for the friend as she can just leave at the end of the class as normal if needed and it won't impact her day. That's the kind of thing I'd agree to with my friend who cancels. I do think the friend is owed an apology by the OP (and to be fair I also voted YABU) and it's obviously her choice if she wants to give the OP another go.
Oblomov22 · 06/03/2022 18:35

I wouldn't entertain you. The sister thing would have really pissed me off and would be the final straw.

gah2teenagers · 06/03/2022 18:39

Honestly people like this are very annoying after a while do everyone a favour and get yourself a good old fashioned calendar on the kitchen wall or something. Look at it every morning.

pussycatunpickingcrossesagain · 06/03/2022 18:40

The first time was a genuine mistake. 2nd time was waiting for covid test result. The 3rd time I was isolating. The 4th time yes I will admit I cancelled.

That seems to be 4 cancellations to me...maybe your "friend" can count better than you can?

Babyboomtastic · 06/03/2022 18:41

Yes it’s hard to stay on top of things with a young child!

Try three of them. All with different needs, different schedules, some of which (nursery, school etc) are on a fixed schedule, where you cant really be late.

You are totally deluded if you think she has it easier. Your life, with one child is simple compared to the juggle that she does, and she gave you extra chances even though her life is so busy and she barely knows you.

Your aren't the first person to have a baby 🙄

Theluggage15 · 06/03/2022 18:42

She doesn’t care OP! She’s just being polite, She was probably being kind in the first place to a first time mum.

You’re one of those people who hugely overestimate their own importance aren’t you?

SkankingMopoke · 06/03/2022 18:45

The only reason 3 DCs make a difference is she'll be much more experienced in making mum friends and far less likely to waste time with people who are perceived flakey (and I would say in your case there is no doubt you are unreliable and flakey). I agree with a PP that if this was a bloke you were dating you would completely write him off, and if you were someone I'd met at a baby group who did this I would also have moved on. I think her message is factual and fair.

You just need to take it on the chin, try harder next time, and maybe invest in a diary. I often forget where I'm supposed to be, but my trusty diary gets me to the right place on the right day & time. If you want to keep this friendship you need to be a consistent and model friend for the foreseeable to regain her trust. You have used all of your 'goodwill' credits and they take a long time to re-earn.

Pipsquiggle · 06/03/2022 18:46

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cantbecoping · 06/03/2022 18:47

I would never ask you to anything again tbh and I would put this pic in my phone that would come up when you tried to text me.

To think it’s not fair to say I’ve ‘cancelled 4 times’?
rookiemere · 06/03/2022 18:48

Even if you take out the covid cancellations you missed two out of five weeks for fairly feeble excuses.

The first one she obviously was ok with, because most people give a new friend one or two free passes, but your reason for missing the last one was pretty damn flaky and unfortunately I'd be easing you out of my friendship circle as well.

If you genuinely still want to retain this lady as a friend I'd be on time for the next two classes and treat her to coffee afterwards for messing her around.

BalladOfBarryAndFreda · 06/03/2022 18:48

Whatever your reasons for doing so, this event has been attempted 4 times and you have failed to attend.

Use a diary or put it in your phone’s calendar and set alarm reminders for each event so you don’t forget.

BiscuitLover3678 · 06/03/2022 18:49

She didn’t have to say it but we all think that when someone doesn’t turn up 4 times (I have been that person too!) just meet her there and hopefully you’ll have a better run from now on.

ThreeRingCircus · 06/03/2022 18:57

Yeah sorry OP you're not doing yourself any favours here. Having a young child is difficult, we get it....most of us on here have young children or remember what it's like with children being young.

Your friend has a young child too, and two other children to sort out and manages not to be a flake. Maybe ask her for tips!

Seenoevil1 · 06/03/2022 18:58

This has been thoroughly entertaining. I can't believe how blase you sound @floorbird to be honest but I hope you find a way forward.
I think your potential mum-friend shows good self respect.

Loving everyone's advice! It is actually great general advice for friendship, trust, self respect and healthy boundaries. xx

saraclara · 06/03/2022 19:01

Jeeze, I hate it when people use the "sorry, time just ran away from me" excuse. That being the fourth reason would have been the staff that broke the camel's back, for me.

FluffyBooBoo · 06/03/2022 19:28

She's not acting like it's the end of the world. She's making the (sensible given what has happened before) decision to meet you there. All she has said (based on your posts) is that you have cancelled 4/5 times. This is fact. It's not rude or dramatically or in any way unfair. The fact that she's still considering meeting you there is testament to the fact that she's more patient than most.

You, however, seem determined to create a drama where there shouldn't be one. You are creating the issue and now you are trying to blame her.

Honestly, if she sees this, here's my advice: you don't need friends like this.

Original poster
floorbird · 06/03/2022 19:38

well we’ve arranged to meet for coffee again before the next one so no harm done Smile

OP posts:
Clymene · 06/03/2022 19:39

@floorbird

well we’ve arranged to meet for coffee again before the next one so no harm done Smile
TURN UP
NuffSaidSam · 06/03/2022 19:39

@floorbird

well we’ve arranged to meet for coffee again before the next one so no harm done Smile
Have you set a reminder in your phone?
CowsAreNotGreen · 06/03/2022 19:41

@floorbird

well we’ve arranged to meet for coffee again before the next one so no harm done Smile
I suggest you self isolate and set 10 alarms on the day and get yourself there on time. And appreciate the lovely person she is.