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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it’s not fair to say I’ve ‘cancelled 4 times’?

483 replies

floorbird · 06/03/2022 13:01

NC as identifiable.

Fairly new friend, we met via an activity our DC attend. She saw an ad for another activity (for DC but to be honest it’s more of a parent social thing as babies don’t get much out of these things I suppose) and we agreed to go together.

The first time we planned to go to this activity I stupidly mixed the dates up. I have no idea how, I just had it in my head it was on one day but it was the day before. She went, asked what happened and I explained and apologised. We then went to the next one together and had a great time.

The next week, I couldn’t go as I was waiting for PCR results (neg).

The week after that, I had to cancel as I’d been in contact with a covid pos person. Can’t be helped. She went alone. I wondered if she seemed a bit short in her texts but assumed I was imagining it because it’s not like I could do anything about being in contact with a positive person.

The next week (a couple of days ago) I was unable to go because I’d been visiting sister in another city and with the baby being up all night and one thing or another the day got away from me (as it does with a young child!) and I wouldn’t have made it back to the place the activity is on time. I explained this to her and apologised profusely (I understand this would have been really annoying but it couldn’t be helped). She didn’t reply.

I texted her today to arrange us going to the next event together and she said seeing as I’ve cancelled four times she’ll just see me there if I make it. I haven’t cancelled 4 times?! The first time was a genuine mistake. 2nd time was waiting for covid test result. The 3rd time I was isolating. The 4th time yes I will admit I cancelled. But that’s one time. I haven’t replied yet, I’m annoyed that she’s acting like I’ve said ‘can’t be bothered’ 4 times! Confused

AIBU to be annoyed that she’s annoyed? Also it’s not like me not being there means she can’t go or enjoy the event. It’s not as if I had invited her round to mine and then just not answered the door!

OP posts:
RainbowBridge21 · 06/03/2022 13:14

4 times in a row you've been unreliable. She's right. YABU.

NuffSaidSam · 06/03/2022 13:14

I haven’t cancelled 4 times?! The first time was a genuine mistake. 2nd time was waiting for covid test result. The 3rd time I was isolating. The 4th time yes I will admit I cancelled. But that’s one time. I haven’t replied yet, I’m annoyed that she’s acting like I’ve said ‘can’t be bothered’ 4 times!

No, she's acting like you cancelled 4 times, which you have.

Do you know what cancelled means? It's doesn't mean 'can't be bothered'. There are many reasons you might have to cancel, but it's still cancelled.

notthemum · 06/03/2022 13:15

@Changethetoner

She had to go by herself to a "social". She probably felt awkward. For whatever reasons you have now a track record of being unreliable. I'm not surprised she's gone cool on you.

Hopefully you can both attend in the future, but she rightly is no longer holding much hope that you will join her there. The friendship is not ruined, but it has been tested. If you do manage to join her, you can repair this.

This.
Whatsonmymindgrapes · 06/03/2022 13:15

You’re a flake.

CouldIhaveaword · 06/03/2022 13:15

You're flakey. I might enjoy your company if and when I saw you, but I wouldn't be making any plans.

mynameiscalypso · 06/03/2022 13:16

I think what's happened is she's moved you back from the friend box to the acquaintance I see at baby/child class box. I had lots of the latter, wouldn't go out my way to see them but would have a quick chat or whatever. I don't blame her, it probably didn't look like you were that interested in becoming anything more than casual acquaintances.

Scarydinosaurs · 06/03/2022 13:17

Your reasons were weak for cancelling too - even if you think they’re good reasons they don’t sound like good reasons to others.

She’s done nothing wrong - you’re the one who says you’ll be somewhere and then doesn’t show up.

HeadToToesNo · 06/03/2022 13:17

You've let her down 4 times, I think she's perfectly right.

KrisAkabusi · 06/03/2022 13:17

There were four times you said you would be there, but you weren't. Whatever the reasons, it was still four times. You don't have a leg to stand on here, she's right, you're wrong.

Newbie44 · 06/03/2022 13:18

Do you think your reasons are genuine? Yes. Is she annoyed? Yes. Should you be annoyed that she’s annoyed? Not really. You can’t control how annoyed someone is. I think to loosely arrange to meet up there in future is very fair. If you manage to get together for the next few weeks, maybe you could then arrange to go together again? Personally, I prefer doing things under my own steam for exactly the reasons you described- anything can happen which means you can’t make something. If I don’t actually arrange to go with someone then I won’t be letting them down if I change my mind/ something happens etc. I hope you both manage to get there this week and have a great time.

Original poster
floorbird · 06/03/2022 13:18

@NuffSaidSam

I haven’t cancelled 4 times?! The first time was a genuine mistake. 2nd time was waiting for covid test result. The 3rd time I was isolating. The 4th time yes I will admit I cancelled. But that’s one time. I haven’t replied yet, I’m annoyed that she’s acting like I’ve said ‘can’t be bothered’ 4 times!

No, she's acting like you cancelled 4 times, which you have.

Do you know what cancelled means? It's doesn't mean 'can't be bothered'. There are many reasons you might have to cancel, but it's still cancelled.

I just think to say ‘you’ve cancelled 4 times’ makes it seem like it’s been my fault every time
OP posts:
CourtRand · 06/03/2022 13:19

OP. Gently, you have cancelled a lot. Not always your fault but nevertheless four times you haven't turned up to the planned activity.

Pumpfive · 06/03/2022 13:19

@floorbird but you have cancelled 4 times? It's a fact.

BobbinHood · 06/03/2022 13:20

I just think to say ‘you’ve cancelled 4 times’ makes it seem like it’s been my fault every time

Well it hasn’t been her fault - and by the definition of the word “cancel”, you have cancelled on her 4 times.

NuffSaidSam · 06/03/2022 13:20

I just think to say ‘you’ve cancelled 4 times’ makes it seem like it’s been my fault every time

But that's your incorrect interpretation of the word 'cancelled'.

She is using the word in the correct context.

The plans were cancelled. She hasn't commented on why they were cancelled. She's just correctly stated that you cancelled 4 times, which you did (twice entirely your fault, once unavoidable and once questionable).

TrooBloo · 06/03/2022 13:20

@floorbird aside from the time you were waiting for a PCR, the others are your fault. Choosing to isolate as a close contact isn’t required and silly really. But you have cancelled 4 times and she’s right to say you have.

You need to let it go.

Scarydinosaurs · 06/03/2022 13:20

You can say that, but it sounds like you’re projecting because you know that not attending something 4 times out of 5 is really crap.

She is totally right to not make plans with you because she can’t depend on you to show up.

GiantSpider · 06/03/2022 13:21

If you're in England, surely you could have gone the third time? You don't need to isolate after being a close contact?

Beees · 06/03/2022 13:21

I just think to say ‘you’ve cancelled 4 times’ makes it seem like it’s been my fault every time

She's not playing the blame game like you are a 5 year old in a playground but technically she even if she was all 4 times have indeed been your fault. She attended the group on each occasion and you didn't.

I'm still not sure why you're not able to admit you were in the wrong. Personally she's being fat kinder than most would be by saying she will see you there, most new acquaintances would have just stopped replying completely. Being friends with someone who cancels constantly is not worth the hassle.

Concestor · 06/03/2022 13:23

Week it certainly isn't her fault is it?

Crunchymum · 06/03/2022 13:23

What does "go together mean? Do you travel together?

I can't quite work out how what she is proposing (seeing you there) is different to what you actually do?

You have been flaky and unreliable. Be gracious in your reply.

Gladioli23 · 06/03/2022 13:23

I guess the thing is, one has to try not to cancel the times when it is your fault so people don't mind putting up with the times it isn't.

If I had a "friend" that flaky I would be placing no reliance on them even turning up for anything and frankly if they were a new friend and I wasn't desperately short of friends like I had moved to a new city or something I'd be wondering if it was worth bothering staying in touch - I don't have the energy or patience to be cancelled on regularly.

I think with new friends you have to be especially careful not to irritate then because (like with a new job) they don't know that you're a generally reliable person and this has been an aberration - in a sample size of 4 you've not attended once, so to them you look insanely unreliable.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 06/03/2022 13:23

Sorry, but you've definitely cancelled four times and messed her around.

No wonder she's annoyed - I wouldn't bother making any more plans with you.

rosesinmygarden · 06/03/2022 13:24

You've let her down 4 times.

She's reasonably entitled to believe you might do it again.

I'd feel the same in her shoes. I wouldn't make definite plans with you. I'd make them with someone I felt I could trust if it was important to me (and it's not your call to decide what is important to her or how she should feel, btw).

She has no way of knowing if you are being genuine or not.

She probably feels that you can take her or leave her as a friend, so she's adopting the same attitude. Fair enough, really!

OhMygodddd · 06/03/2022 13:25

But it was your fault you wasn’t there, it wasn’t hers was it.

She is right and saying see you there if you can make it is sensible due to your track record.

Did you know with car insurance if you have 3 non fault claims it’s the equivalent to one fault claim price wise. When I asked why, it’s because it says something about that person always being at the wrong place at the wrong time and they probably don’t know how to manage and avoid incidents well.

Your the same in this case, it’s not your fault, but always you who has to cancel for some reason or another making you a liability