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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it’s not fair to say I’ve ‘cancelled 4 times’?

483 replies

floorbird · 06/03/2022 13:01

NC as identifiable.

Fairly new friend, we met via an activity our DC attend. She saw an ad for another activity (for DC but to be honest it’s more of a parent social thing as babies don’t get much out of these things I suppose) and we agreed to go together.

The first time we planned to go to this activity I stupidly mixed the dates up. I have no idea how, I just had it in my head it was on one day but it was the day before. She went, asked what happened and I explained and apologised. We then went to the next one together and had a great time.

The next week, I couldn’t go as I was waiting for PCR results (neg).

The week after that, I had to cancel as I’d been in contact with a covid pos person. Can’t be helped. She went alone. I wondered if she seemed a bit short in her texts but assumed I was imagining it because it’s not like I could do anything about being in contact with a positive person.

The next week (a couple of days ago) I was unable to go because I’d been visiting sister in another city and with the baby being up all night and one thing or another the day got away from me (as it does with a young child!) and I wouldn’t have made it back to the place the activity is on time. I explained this to her and apologised profusely (I understand this would have been really annoying but it couldn’t be helped). She didn’t reply.

I texted her today to arrange us going to the next event together and she said seeing as I’ve cancelled four times she’ll just see me there if I make it. I haven’t cancelled 4 times?! The first time was a genuine mistake. 2nd time was waiting for covid test result. The 3rd time I was isolating. The 4th time yes I will admit I cancelled. But that’s one time. I haven’t replied yet, I’m annoyed that she’s acting like I’ve said ‘can’t be bothered’ 4 times! Confused

AIBU to be annoyed that she’s annoyed? Also it’s not like me not being there means she can’t go or enjoy the event. It’s not as if I had invited her round to mine and then just not answered the door!

OP posts:
Rosesareyellow · 06/03/2022 16:12

I think if you were a close friend I would be understanding. If you weren’t, which is your case with this person, I couldn’t help but think you were making up bullshit excuses and like your friend I’d be bored and fed up with it. It may just be bad luck, but a lot of people are weird like that - they do cancel last minute because they’ve changed their mind and come up with an excuse so as not too not offend. If I didn’t know you well I’d presume you’re one of those and I wouldn’t want to bother anymore, I’d make plans with people I know better and can depend on, especially with a little one.

ladydimitrescu · 06/03/2022 16:17

This is one of the most frustrating threads I've seen -
Op, YABU. She's not rude, she doesn't want to make plans with someone who's let her down 4/5 times.
Your desperate attempt at justifying yourself by exclaiming she's more experienced with her 3 children is laughable. She has 3x the excuse you do. You've been a bit crap, own it and move on.

AdaColeman · 06/03/2022 16:18

Just arrange to meet her there, and go if you can fit it in to your day.

She isn't being unreasonable to feel let down that arrangements haven't worked out, and you aren't being unreasonable to feel that you would have gone if you could have.
Some times life gets in the way of coffee mornings. Wink Wink

Pipsquiggle · 06/03/2022 16:23

@rosesinmygarden

You've let her down 4 times.

She's reasonably entitled to believe you might do it again.

I'd feel the same in her shoes. I wouldn't make definite plans with you. I'd make them with someone I felt I could trust if it was important to me (and it's not your call to decide what is important to her or how she should feel, btw).

She has no way of knowing if you are being genuine or not.

She probably feels that you can take her or leave her as a friend, so she's adopting the same attitude. Fair enough, really!

Completely agree with this @rosesinmygarden

Also to add, if she has 3 DC, her time becomes even more precious, so waiting around for someone to confirm they will show up when they haven't done for the 4 previous occasions - even though some of them were out of your control - you will be at the bottom of her priority list.

If you want to cement this friendship you need to put the hard yards in, not her.

gingerbiscuits · 06/03/2022 16:25

Seriously? What a non-issue. 'It's not fair' makes you sound like a petulant child. You DID cancel 4 times (for whatever reason) & she's just saying she'll see you there rather than making plans to go together as she understandably thinks you might flake on her again!

Spudyoulikeit · 06/03/2022 16:28

My sons friend has a mum who always cancels (for various different reasons) but once on the day just because she didn’t fancy it! I’ve given up now.

liveforsummer · 06/03/2022 16:41

She's turned up 4 times expecting to be there together. The circumstances surrounding that aren't particularly relevant. I'd have said exactly the same at that point and assume you are flaky and unreliable. Are we still meant to isolate as a close contact anyway? And the day getting away from you is indeed a bit flaky, sorry.

Original poster
floorbird · 06/03/2022 16:54

@katepilar

But OP wants to meet for coffee before the event. So it's not just the event, and the friend being there on her own. With a baby, and another 2 kids, I would need to plan when exactly I had to leave home.

As I understand it it happened once when the OP mixed up the dates but not the other times. To me a message in the evening the day before or any time before I was getting ready to get out of the door would have been fine. If I was sat in the cafe already it wouldnt be the end of the world for me either.

I feel like an alien as everyone on here seems to be feeling very different about it. I wonder if this wasnt a new/ newly forming friendship would you feel the same about it?

Yes I feel the same thank you! Not the end of the world, even if she is acting like it is
OP posts:
Whinge · 06/03/2022 16:55

Oh look the OP is back, and once again only replying to those who agree with her. Hmm

LovelyRita1 · 06/03/2022 16:56

Yes I feel the same thank you! Not the end of the world, even if she is acting like it is

How is she acting as if it is the end of the world though? You can hardly accuse her of being reactive and overly dramatic or huffy when you're the one spending a significant portion of your day trying trying convince us that her really plain and uninteresting text was rude

KindlyKanga · 06/03/2022 16:56

Yes I feel the same thank you! Not the end of the world, even if she is acting like it is

Wow that is seriously rude.

You are the one acting like it is the end of the world for her to meet you there rather than walk with you there and have a coffee. You can walk there by yourself and gey a coffee by yourself, it's not the end of the world as you say.

Clymene · 06/03/2022 16:57

It might not have been your fault in two of the occasions but it was on the other two. In any event, it's a fact - you have cancelled 4 times.

I wouldn't make an effort to meet up with you either if I didn't know you well because I'd think you were probably flaky as hell. You have an opportunity now to change her mind. If you like her, show yourself to be a reliable person Smile

tigger1001 · 06/03/2022 16:59

Her reply wasn't rude. You feel it is because it's brought attention to your own behaviour.

Personally I agree with your friend. She is just saying she will see you there if you make it. The pressure is off you now to be in a particular place at a particular time. If the day gets away from you again then you haven't let anyone down.

SmellyOldOwls · 06/03/2022 17:00

YABU, I can't believe you even asked her to meet you again let alone having the nerve to be annoyed that she wants to meet you there!

SpaghettiNotCourgetti · 06/03/2022 17:00

Yeah... The more we hear from OP, the more I think this other woman's had a lucky escape.

liveforsummer · 06/03/2022 17:02

I also don’t think it’s fair to avoid continuing our plans to attend this event together because I was unable to make it for a few weeks, when she knows it wasn’t in my control apart from once

The thing is the one time it was in your control (once is v debatable tbh) was the last time, when you'd already let her down 3 times and you STILL did not make the effort.

It's not rude and perfectly reasonable to tell you she just wants to meet you at the activity from now on. With your current mindset though I think it's probably too late to save the friendship. You clearly think less of her for just being straightforward and honest

zeldaonadreamcloud · 06/03/2022 17:02

Not the end of the world, even if she is acting like it is

Jumped the shark OP.

Idontgiveagriffindamn · 06/03/2022 17:04

If you were a new friend or a potential friend I think I’d just not bother as frankly it’s too much effort. A longer term friend, I’d probably say something jokey and we’d laugh about it going forward.

luxxlisbon · 06/03/2022 17:04

Not the end of the world, even if she is acting like it is

Ironic.

BalladOfBarryAndFreda · 06/03/2022 17:06

Yeah, sorry OP. In her shoes I’d also have you down as flaky and wouldn’t be bothered about investing any more time in pre-booked meet-ups.

roarfeckingroarr · 06/03/2022 17:08

Yeah I would find you too flakey. Being in touch with someone who had covid isn't a reason now

Borracha · 06/03/2022 17:08

But that’s the point. Maybe she’d had a shit night with the baby or really didn’t fancy packing a changing bag, potentially disrupting nap time, driving with a screaming baby blah blah blah but thought ‘I don’t want to let @floorbird down, I’d said I’d go, so I will go’

I actually think her message was fair. She’s not been rude or unkind. She’s stated a fact.

TirednessButHappiness · 06/03/2022 17:09

Yabu.

You cancelled 4 times, 2 of which were avoidable. I don’t think she’s been rude but just clear where she stands - she’ll see you if you make it but no point making specific plans.

If I were her I’d not bother making plans with you either. Great if I happened to see you but I’d not be arranging things.

SeptemberAlexandra · 06/03/2022 17:18

YABU - You have not attended on 4 separate occasions. Whether you think it is reasonable or not you cancelled the plans. Your friend is now adopting an I’ll see you if I see you attitude.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 06/03/2022 17:19

Yes I feel the same thank you! Not the end of the world, even if she is acting like it is

I think you're hugely over estimating your own importance here. She hasn't acted as if it's the end of the world at all.

She's basically said meh, see you there if you're there because her experience of you is that you tend not to follow through on plans.

It doesn't sound like it's a huge deal to her at all, she's just said thanks but no thanks to re-organising yet again and you're making a massive meal out of it.