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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think it’s not fair to say I’ve ‘cancelled 4 times’?

483 replies

floorbird · 06/03/2022 13:01

NC as identifiable.

Fairly new friend, we met via an activity our DC attend. She saw an ad for another activity (for DC but to be honest it’s more of a parent social thing as babies don’t get much out of these things I suppose) and we agreed to go together.

The first time we planned to go to this activity I stupidly mixed the dates up. I have no idea how, I just had it in my head it was on one day but it was the day before. She went, asked what happened and I explained and apologised. We then went to the next one together and had a great time.

The next week, I couldn’t go as I was waiting for PCR results (neg).

The week after that, I had to cancel as I’d been in contact with a covid pos person. Can’t be helped. She went alone. I wondered if she seemed a bit short in her texts but assumed I was imagining it because it’s not like I could do anything about being in contact with a positive person.

The next week (a couple of days ago) I was unable to go because I’d been visiting sister in another city and with the baby being up all night and one thing or another the day got away from me (as it does with a young child!) and I wouldn’t have made it back to the place the activity is on time. I explained this to her and apologised profusely (I understand this would have been really annoying but it couldn’t be helped). She didn’t reply.

I texted her today to arrange us going to the next event together and she said seeing as I’ve cancelled four times she’ll just see me there if I make it. I haven’t cancelled 4 times?! The first time was a genuine mistake. 2nd time was waiting for covid test result. The 3rd time I was isolating. The 4th time yes I will admit I cancelled. But that’s one time. I haven’t replied yet, I’m annoyed that she’s acting like I’ve said ‘can’t be bothered’ 4 times! Confused

AIBU to be annoyed that she’s annoyed? Also it’s not like me not being there means she can’t go or enjoy the event. It’s not as if I had invited her round to mine and then just not answered the door!

OP posts:
onemouseplace · 06/03/2022 17:20

I had a friend who was of the sort that often had the day run away with her and would be ridiculously late or cancel plans as a result.

I stopped making plans as I was sick of making sure I arranged my day so we could meet, and her not having the courtesy to do the same.

BurntO · 06/03/2022 17:22

She’s not acting like it’s the end of the world OP. Stop being so sensitive. You’ve let her down and you’re hardly even friends. Why should she continue to make an effort? I am not surprised she is so aloof.

Ishouldreallybeonanisland · 06/03/2022 17:25

You have basically cancelled 4 times on her for one reason or another. Some can't can't be helped and some sound a bit flaky to me. If I was in her shoes and given she doesn't know you very well it would give me the impression that you are flaky and I wouldn't really bother too much to pursue a friendship as you're not really showing that you're particularly bothered. That's how it comes across.

Mummytobe93 · 06/03/2022 17:31

I think she was kind enough, after 3rd cancellation you’d not be hearing from me again.

She’s not giving you attitude. She stated a fact and,as a mother of 3, she’s probably got enough on her plate as it is and doesn’t feel the need to schedule going with you for the 5th time.

AmoozedBooze · 06/03/2022 17:31

Yes I feel the same thank you! Not the end of the world, even if she is acting like it is

OP you don’t sound interested in building a friendship with her. Stop making plans. She’ll find nice, reliable friends.

w00dy538 · 06/03/2022 17:35

Honestly, I think you have got a reputation now for being unreliable and flakey.

Two out of the four times was flakiness. Mixed up dates, and were late and didn't get back in time. That combined with the two covid related occasions one after the other doesn't look great even if it couldn't be helped.

I have a friend who I can't rely on to ever turn up anywhere on time and usually doesn't stick to a date after agreeing to plans. I have backed off a bit now and leave her to contact me, and when she does want to meet up I won't make arrangements with her than mean I could be standing around somewhere waiting while she piss arses about still loading the washing machine and putting her makeup on. It's stressful and shit for the person being let down and makes them not want to make more plans.

If I were you, if you want to salvage a friendship, I would apologise for the spate of missed plans and said things have been a bit hectic especially with covid and isolations. I would make it clear it really was unintentional and hope you can meet up soon. And try to make firm plans.

Flippy87 · 06/03/2022 17:35

@SpaghettiNotCourgetti

Yeah... The more we hear from OP, the more I think this other woman's had a lucky escape.
Yep agree entirely
morechocolateneededtoday · 06/03/2022 17:35

Yes I feel the same thank you! Not the end of the world, even if she is acting like it is

Where is she acting like it is? The only drama queen here is you. You're acting like it is a huge deal and you're annoyed that she has come to the conclusion she cannot rely on you. She has decided she will enjoy your company when she happens to see you but not go out of her way for you which nicer than many others would have been

KatieKat88 · 06/03/2022 17:45

I have a similar situation with a friend- I now don't tell DD if we're due to meet them so she's not disappointed and arrange things where we can crack on regardless if they can't make it. Things often go awry when small children are involved so I don't hold it against her!

floorbird · 06/03/2022 17:47

@KatieKat88

I have a similar situation with a friend- I now don't tell DD if we're due to meet them so she's not disappointed and arrange things where we can crack on regardless if they can't make it. Things often go awry when small children are involved so I don't hold it against her!
Yes it’s hard to stay on top of things with a young child!
OP posts:
hawkinspawkins · 06/03/2022 17:48

By the time the 4th occasion came up, you should have pulled out all the stops to get there

Your excuse is pretty flaky

MadMadMadamMim · 06/03/2022 17:49

96% of almost 1400 people think you are flaky and rude and wouldn't bother with you again.

And yet you still think you are in the right, based on about 4 folks who agree with you.

Just. Wow.

Figgyboa · 06/03/2022 17:50

YABU. You have canceled 4 times. Whether or not the reasons are genuine you made plans and 4 times haven't made it.

Whinge · 06/03/2022 17:53

Yes it’s hard to stay on top of things with a young child!

And yet your friend managed it with not only a young child, but 2 others to sort out as well.Hmm

OP you're full of excuses and don't care that your friend made the effort. I suspect the reason you're so fixated on this one friend, is because you don't have a circle of other close friends to spend time with due to your flaky behaviour.

user1496146479 · 06/03/2022 17:54

@floorbird

I do see how it’s annoying that I couldn’t make it those times but I don’t think it’s fair to imply that I’ve cancelled for no good reason. I also don’t think it’s fair to avoid continuing our plans to attend this event together because I was unable to make it for a few weeks, when she knows it wasn’t in my control apart from once
You need to stop being so sensitive & taking it personally. You did cancel, regardless of the reason why. That doesn't mean you are wrong. Sometimes life just happens. Likewise she is not in the wrong either, she's factually correct, and has just says she'll see you there.

Move on! Wink

Dreambigger · 06/03/2022 17:57

Yes.. u are being flakey....wrong date/the day got away from me/up during the night with baby etc. are all legitimate reasons to you for not meeting up with her but these reasons wouldn't have worked for say a GP appointment/school drop off etc... She is cutting her losses you aren't prioritising her. I've been her with soooo many people like you and they never change. You reason is the baby but she has a baby too. How do you think it is she gets out the door to whatever it is she's going to. She gets organised and prioritises things. Some people don't mind flakey people and some do so you are likely not compatible..move on and meet similar people.

TangledUp789 · 06/03/2022 17:57

You’ve messed her around on at least two occasions. And in her shoes I’d be very sceptical about your COVID related excuses, given your proven flakiness. YABU.

GreenWheat · 06/03/2022 17:58

OP, you aren't doing yourself any favours in the "listening to the very people I specifically asked if I was being unreasonable" by only responding to the very tiny number who agree with you. "La, la, la can't hear you...."

KatieKat88 · 06/03/2022 17:58

With my friend I don't mind because it's always unavoidable (child illness) and she does put the effort in to see us - I'd be really honest. Text her and apologise, tell her that you do want to make the effort but you're finding it a bit hard and you're impressed by how easy she makes it all look. Can you suggest going to the class and then getting coffee afterwards so she isn't losing out either way if that makes sense?

dixiechix · 06/03/2022 17:58

You had already decided you were not unreasonable so why bother starting this thread?

As others have mentioned she’s had a lucky escape and doesn’t need a ‘friend’ like you.

user1496146479 · 06/03/2022 17:58

@Whinge

Oh look the OP is back, and once again only replying to those who agree with her. Hmm
This with bells on!! GrinGrin
Satansballsacks · 06/03/2022 18:00

If the 'new friend' is on her third baby, she probably has loads of friends and just cba with someone whom she barely knows and who has shown herself to be unreliable. I dare say she has no emotional investment in this nascent friendship at all, and is now not going to bother with anything other than being polite if you bump into one another because life with three children is far too full on to spend time cultivating someone who keeps cancelling.

SW1amp · 06/03/2022 18:02

With my NCT group, there was a very clear split between those who had their shit together and those that were baby brain and hopeless at sticking to plans

Years later, the two groups are exactly the same

If she has had 3 children, she has seen this play out many times and hasn’t got time for your disorganisation and flakiness

DinaofCloud9 · 06/03/2022 18:04

Why are you only answering the posts that agree with you? Can you really not see it from her point of view at all? That's bizarre.

floorbird · 06/03/2022 18:06

@KatieKat88

With my friend I don't mind because it's always unavoidable (child illness) and she does put the effort in to see us - I'd be really honest. Text her and apologise, tell her that you do want to make the effort but you're finding it a bit hard and you're impressed by how easy she makes it all look. Can you suggest going to the class and then getting coffee afterwards so she isn't losing out either way if that makes sense?
yes I think I’ll say this, thanks
OP posts: