To think it’s not fair to say I’ve ‘cancelled 4 times’?

[floorbird]

NC as identifiable.

Fairly new friend, we met via an activity our DC attend. She saw an ad for another activity (for DC but to be honest it’s more of a parent social thing as babies don’t get much out of these things I suppose) and we agreed to go together.

The first time we planned to go to this activity I stupidly mixed the dates up. I have no idea how, I just had it in my head it was on one day but it was the day before. She went, asked what happened and I explained and apologised. We then went to the next one together and had a great time.

The next week, I couldn’t go as I was waiting for PCR results (neg).

The week after that, I had to cancel as I’d been in contact with a covid pos person. Can’t be helped. She went alone. I wondered if she seemed a bit short in her texts but assumed I was imagining it because it’s not like I could do anything about being in contact with a positive person.

The next week (a couple of days ago) I was unable to go because I’d been visiting sister in another city and with the baby being up all night and one thing or another the day got away from me (as it does with a young child!) and I wouldn’t have made it back to the place the activity is on time. I explained this to her and apologised profusely (I understand this would have been really annoying but it couldn’t be helped). She didn’t reply.

I texted her today to arrange us going to the next event together and she said seeing as I’ve cancelled four times she’ll just see me there if I make it. I haven’t cancelled 4 times?! The first time was a genuine mistake. 2nd time was waiting for covid test result. The 3rd time I was isolating. The 4th time yes I will admit I cancelled. But that’s one time. I haven’t replied yet, I’m annoyed that she’s acting like I’ve said ‘can’t be bothered’ 4 times!

AIBU to be annoyed that she’s annoyed? Also it’s not like me not being there means she can’t go or enjoy the event. It’s not as if I had invited her round to mine and then just not answered the door!

Even though your reasons are genuine...
you have cancelled 3 times!!
Just meet her there, it's really no big deal, with the track record I'd have said the same thing

Well you did cancel 4 times. She’s being quite reasonable saying she’ll just meet you there if you can come. It’s annoying constantly having plans changed.

You have cancelled 4 times. I think she is being sensible.

Where are you that you have to isolate if you have been next to someone who is positive.

You have cancelled 4 times. I'd be annoyed.

There’s no issue though is there? She’s said she’ll she you there if you make it; she’s not cancelled going with you.

You have cancelled four times, though.

I think it's very understandable why your friend is a bit miffed. Just go if you can make it and have a good catchup.

She’s a new friend, she doesn’t know yet if you’re genuine or just really flaky. In her shoes I’d also assume flaky as you’ve cancelled 4 time.

Well you have essentially cancelled 4 times. It doesn't matter what the reasons are, it's still you cancelling. It sounds as though you've just been unlucky really in terms of everything happening at once. And as an adult, I'd hate to feel tied down to going somewhere with a baby when things can often change but it does sound frustrating for your friend. I'm guessing you aren't in the UK though due to needing to isolate after being in contact too?

She had to go by herself to a "social". She probably felt awkward. For whatever reasons you have now a track record of being unreliable. I'm not surprised she's gone cool on you.

Hopefully you can both attend in the future, but she rightly is no longer holding much hope that you will join her there. The friendship is not ruined, but it has been tested. If you do manage to join her, you can repair this.

Just agree to see her there.
At least you won't dash your friend's hopes again if you have to cancel .

Your last excuse was a bit lame, sorry.

But you have cancelled 4 times in total.

She's not saying she won't spend time with you at the group in future but it seems pretty reasonable of her to stop trying to organise it so you attend together.

I appreciate having a new baby is a difficult thing to adjust to but even if you discount the covid reasons, in her eyes you've left her in the lurch with no warning twice now in just a few week. I can completely see why she doesn't want to get into a pattern of being left wondering if you'll turn up.

You totally have cancelled 4 times! I'm an introvert so would be secretly thrilled every time you cancelled but I can see why your friend would be annoyed with you!

She is right. Makes sense for her to stay in control of getting there herself rather than wait for someone who keeps cancelling

Semantics aside she’s certainly right to be dubious you’ll turn up even if you say you will.

But she’s 100% correct.

Are you not able to put yourself in her shoes OP?

She sounds like she’s being perfectly fair, but also not relying on someone who she has perfectly good reason to think is rather flaky.

You have cancelled four times. Genuine reasons, maybe, but it still comes across as flakey. I’d not invest any more time in a potential friend who cancelled four times either.

If people keep cancelling, in the end it stops mattering if their reasons are genuine. You just stop having faith they will turn up.

Two of those reasons are actually your fault - mixing up dates and 'they day getting away with you.' And does anyone still need to isolate if they are in contact with a covid positive case? Anyway, she may have thought you were making that up if you have failed to keep arrangements before.

I think you need to own that you have been unreliable, and accept its affected her trust in you.

Sounds fair enough to me

Meh!

You have a life. You aren't contractually obligated to attend anything, with or without her.

She being annoyed and annoying. As are you.

Sod it. Go, don't go, whatever fits in your schedule. She can do the same. Both being adults and all!

I would be pissed off with you too

You have cancelled 4 times and she’s right in what she’s said.

Whatever your reasons, you agreed to go somewhere and on 4 occasions you didn’t. You’ve not gone far more times than you’ve gone - I think her response is reasonable

I know someone like this - someone that always cancels I mean. I actually call her Lenny behind her back when I’m talking about her as in ‘Lenny let down’ the reasons tend to be genuine I think but nonetheless it’s so repetitive that nothing I plan with her is set in stone for me. If my DH asks if I have plans, and I do with her, I say technically yes but no. She’s got a little one my son’s age and I never tell him in advance if we’re supposed to meet up with them because 9 times out of 10 she cancels and it would just be disappointed. I never make these plans by the way - if she simply didn’t want to be my friend that would be fine, we’re not close. But she always suggests meeting up which makes it all the more frustration. I would suggest meeting up but it seems like an utter waste of time.

After you know you’ve let someone down when they were expecting you three times, whether or not for valid reasons, and then you choose to cancel a fourth time, you don’t have the right to be annoyed that they are annoyed.

You should have made more effort to go on the fourth occasion, first because you said you would, and second because you’d already let her down enough times.