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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it’s not fair to say I’ve ‘cancelled 4 times’?

483 replies

floorbird · 06/03/2022 13:01

NC as identifiable.

Fairly new friend, we met via an activity our DC attend. She saw an ad for another activity (for DC but to be honest it’s more of a parent social thing as babies don’t get much out of these things I suppose) and we agreed to go together.

The first time we planned to go to this activity I stupidly mixed the dates up. I have no idea how, I just had it in my head it was on one day but it was the day before. She went, asked what happened and I explained and apologised. We then went to the next one together and had a great time.

The next week, I couldn’t go as I was waiting for PCR results (neg).

The week after that, I had to cancel as I’d been in contact with a covid pos person. Can’t be helped. She went alone. I wondered if she seemed a bit short in her texts but assumed I was imagining it because it’s not like I could do anything about being in contact with a positive person.

The next week (a couple of days ago) I was unable to go because I’d been visiting sister in another city and with the baby being up all night and one thing or another the day got away from me (as it does with a young child!) and I wouldn’t have made it back to the place the activity is on time. I explained this to her and apologised profusely (I understand this would have been really annoying but it couldn’t be helped). She didn’t reply.

I texted her today to arrange us going to the next event together and she said seeing as I’ve cancelled four times she’ll just see me there if I make it. I haven’t cancelled 4 times?! The first time was a genuine mistake. 2nd time was waiting for covid test result. The 3rd time I was isolating. The 4th time yes I will admit I cancelled. But that’s one time. I haven’t replied yet, I’m annoyed that she’s acting like I’ve said ‘can’t be bothered’ 4 times! Confused

AIBU to be annoyed that she’s annoyed? Also it’s not like me not being there means she can’t go or enjoy the event. It’s not as if I had invited her round to mine and then just not answered the door!

OP posts:
zeldaonadreamcloud · 06/03/2022 13:25

I just think to say ‘you’ve cancelled 4 times’ makes it seem like it’s been my fault every time

What she is saying is you are unreliable. And you have been. She is telling you she is no longer prepared to make arrangements around you as you are unreliable. This is completely reasonable of her. Particularly as you seem to have no insight into this situation from her perspective. Which makes it unlikely that you will get more reliable.

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 06/03/2022 13:25

Just because you feel your reasons are justified, it doesn't make her wrong in what she said.
I certainly would not be making plans with you and would keep it casual as she has suggested.

Tdcp · 06/03/2022 13:25

Although your reasons were genuine if someone cancelled on me 4 times I'd probably be a bit put out aswell. From your end it can't be helped, from hers, you're a bit flakey

over2021 · 06/03/2022 13:26

OP, YABU. You've messed your friend around 4 times - it's inconsequential as to why- and she's sensible to not make plans to go together. I'm glad it sound as though she's still gone alone; she's probably made new friends at the activity now so be prepared for that.

Crunchymum · 06/03/2022 13:26

Although to be fair her reply is a bit rude.

If your cancellations / forgetfulness hasn't imposed on her plans, then she could have just said "we'll see you there" no need for the rest of it.

Erinyes · 06/03/2022 13:26

From her POV you haven’t shown up four times. If you barely know one another, she has no idea whether any of those four were for ‘genuine’ reasons, or whether you’re a total flake, extremely disorganised and unreliable, or don’t want to attend the activity etc —surely you’ve seen multiple threads on here where people advocate using positive tests or contacts as a default excuse for getting out of social things you don’t want to do? It’s the ‘dog ate my homework’ of 2020-2022.

Partyatnumber10 · 06/03/2022 13:26

But... you have cancelled four times:
Time 1 got days muddled
Time 2 waiting for PCR
Time 3 isolating
Time 4 "day got away from you"
So four, with two understandable reasons and two frankly shit and flakey reasons.
I'm genuinely puzzled that you don't count this as four??

Anyway, at the moment you seem quite flakey to her and she's a new friend so has little to go on.
Try to be reliable for the next few and it'll probably soon be forgotten.

PegasusReturns · 06/03/2022 13:26

Having cancelled three times, you should have absolutely prioritise attendance on the 4th occasion. “The day getting away with you” is the flakiest of flakey excuses and I’d have you marked down as a total flake after that.

AFS1 · 06/03/2022 13:26

Out of 5 possible sessions, you’ve been once.
I’d be a bit annoyed if I was your friend, regardless of the reasons you gave.

Oddbobbyboo · 06/03/2022 13:26

I’d feel like your friend…. I’d feel like I wasn’t a priority x but that’s just me 🙄

PastMyBestBeforeDate · 06/03/2022 13:27

By the third time I'd be assuming that the person really didn't want to go and the flaky 4th cancellation would have confirmed that.

Laptopsandmouses · 06/03/2022 13:28

What are you on about, you did cancel four times 😂

Whydoesthecatalwaysdothat · 06/03/2022 13:28

It might not be on purpose but you have cancelled her multiple times.

I had a friend who used to cancel on me constantly usually on the day. The annoying thing was that she was generally the one who wanted to meet up. She usually had a better offer or was sick. It got tiring in the end as I never knew if she would come through. In the end I stopped contacting her and the last time I saw her I got a very passive aggressive comment about her husband saying that she hadn't seen me for ages. That was the final nail in the coffin and I no longer see her at all.

Either knock this one on the head or make a concerted effort to show that you are not flakey. I'm only friends with people who follow through 99% of the time. Anything less is frankly tiring.

DetailMouse · 06/03/2022 13:28

You have cancelled 4 times and 2 of them were you being flaky. I'm not surprised she's taking a see you if I see you attitude.

zeldaonadreamcloud · 06/03/2022 13:29

[quote TrooBloo]@floorbird aside from the time you were waiting for a PCR, the others are your fault. Choosing to isolate as a close contact isn’t required and silly really. But you have cancelled 4 times and she’s right to say you have.

You need to let it go.[/quote]
Yes, they were. You need to own this OP.

In reality, you probably aren't that bothered to meet up with her, which is why you are so lack lustre in your efforts to meet, taking every excuse not to.

And now you are pissed that she is holding you to account for being like this.

YABVVU.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 06/03/2022 13:29

I would be frustrated and feel like her. You have cancelled 4 times. I don't think she's said anything wrong.

Fundays12 · 06/03/2022 13:29

I don't make plans with people that let me down frequently. Covid is understandable but the first and last time would have been enough for me to decide not to make plans again with that person.

Janfebmar · 06/03/2022 13:30

You did cancel! If you were a new friend, I wouldn't bother with you either. You wouldn't be someone I'd spend any time on after all these cancellations. Remember her time is just as important as yours.

RandomQuest · 06/03/2022 13:30

You have cancelled 4 times. Only once have you had a decent excuse which was awaiting the PCR results. The close contact excuse is utter nonsense, the other times it was terrible time management on your part including once where you even stood her up. I’m not surprised she’s pissed off.

Hankunamatata · 06/03/2022 13:31

Yeah its 4x and 2 were totally avoidable, 3rd you could gave done daily lft and still gone.

Theluggage15 · 06/03/2022 13:31

You’re flaky, she’s being entirely reasonable. The first and fourth times are just you being unreliable and disorganised and the third time is an odd reason. She’s been 5 times, you’ve cancelled 4 of those times.

Laptopsandmouses · 06/03/2022 13:32

And not only did you cancel four times, two of those times are just cringe, you got confused and the day just got away from you?

You agreed to go to a social event with her that you agree is mainly for rhe adults and of rhe first five times you’ve got your arse there once.

I’d dump uou too. You treat her like an afterthought that you will go with if you’ve nothing better to do.

donquixotedelamancha · 06/03/2022 13:32

I just think to say ‘you’ve cancelled 4 times’ makes it seem like it’s been my fault every time

Only children think of all circumstances in terms of 'not my fault'. You've only attended one event out of 5 and not always let her know in advance- of course she thinks you are flaky.

YABVU to think she should tiptoe around thatthata. It's not about fault or blame it's just about reliability.

Original poster
floorbird · 06/03/2022 13:32

@Crunchymum

Although to be fair her reply is a bit rude.

If your cancellations / forgetfulness hasn't imposed on her plans, then she could have just said "we'll see you there" no need for the rest of it.

yes I found her reply quite rude. As i said, me being unable to attend didn’t mess up her plans
OP posts:
OldWivesTale · 06/03/2022 13:32

You have cancelled 4 times though.