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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think it’s not fair to say I’ve ‘cancelled 4 times’?

483 replies

floorbird · 06/03/2022 13:01

NC as identifiable.

Fairly new friend, we met via an activity our DC attend. She saw an ad for another activity (for DC but to be honest it’s more of a parent social thing as babies don’t get much out of these things I suppose) and we agreed to go together.

The first time we planned to go to this activity I stupidly mixed the dates up. I have no idea how, I just had it in my head it was on one day but it was the day before. She went, asked what happened and I explained and apologised. We then went to the next one together and had a great time.

The next week, I couldn’t go as I was waiting for PCR results (neg).

The week after that, I had to cancel as I’d been in contact with a covid pos person. Can’t be helped. She went alone. I wondered if she seemed a bit short in her texts but assumed I was imagining it because it’s not like I could do anything about being in contact with a positive person.

The next week (a couple of days ago) I was unable to go because I’d been visiting sister in another city and with the baby being up all night and one thing or another the day got away from me (as it does with a young child!) and I wouldn’t have made it back to the place the activity is on time. I explained this to her and apologised profusely (I understand this would have been really annoying but it couldn’t be helped). She didn’t reply.

I texted her today to arrange us going to the next event together and she said seeing as I’ve cancelled four times she’ll just see me there if I make it. I haven’t cancelled 4 times?! The first time was a genuine mistake. 2nd time was waiting for covid test result. The 3rd time I was isolating. The 4th time yes I will admit I cancelled. But that’s one time. I haven’t replied yet, I’m annoyed that she’s acting like I’ve said ‘can’t be bothered’ 4 times! Confused

AIBU to be annoyed that she’s annoyed? Also it’s not like me not being there means she can’t go or enjoy the event. It’s not as if I had invited her round to mine and then just not answered the door!

OP posts:
Erinyes · 06/03/2022 13:47

@BobbinHood

this is my first baby. She has 3 kids so she’s a bit more ‘in the swing of it’ than I am. I’m sure with her first baby she wasn’t as organised as she is now!

Lol, now I know this must be a wind up. Good one, OP, you sounded convincing at the start.

Grin

I have one child. I struggled when he was a newborn. This has still never led to me imagining that life would be considerably easier with a baby and two older children.

KarmaStar · 06/03/2022 13:47

Yabu not to see her pov and that she gave a practical response.
Try to see situations from the other side more often.

TacoCats · 06/03/2022 13:47

You did cancel 4 times, so fair play to her really.

museumum · 06/03/2022 13:48

I have a friend that cancels more than most. It’s ok, she’s still my friend, but only because I stepped back my expectations and never really expect her to turn up. By having a more easy attitude (I’ll see you there if you make it) it means I don’t get annoyed and so we can still be friends.
I think your new friend is spot on in how she’s handled this.

Hercisback · 06/03/2022 13:48

She has 3 kids... She's a Saint!!

You have one. Get over yourself.

Ionlydomassiveones · 06/03/2022 13:48

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

FilthyforFirth · 06/03/2022 13:48

You are totally flaky and for a new friend I couldnt be arsed at all. Having a baby/mat leave is lonely and someone cancelling on you all the time just makes it feel worse.i'd sack you off entirely, sorry. Yabu

GiveMeNovocain · 06/03/2022 13:48

You let her down 2/4 times for reasons entirely within your control. Add that to 2 covid incidents, one of which it's unclear if you had to or chose to isolate and no wonder she's given up trying to organise anything with you. She's been more than reasonable

worriedatthemoment · 06/03/2022 13:49

You have cancelled and being in contact with a positive person many would still go as that prob applies to us all a lot
She just said she will see you there no big deal

speakingofart · 06/03/2022 13:49

I’d have given up probably after the first time and certainly after you started whinging on about Covid as an excuse so I actually think she’s been remarkably patient.

FluffyBooBoo · 06/03/2022 13:49

yes I found her reply quite rude. As i said, me being unable to attend didn’t mess up her plans

One person's rude is another person's truth

You cancelled four times. No, in fact it's worse than that. You didn't turn up once, and you cancelled three times. She's not being rude, she's just saying (quite rightly) that its better to not make plans, and just see you there when/if you can make it.

It's astonishing to me that you can't put yourself in her shoes and see just how annoying that would be. How many times would you be willing to make plans with someone and they keep cancelling, before you stop making plans? I've been in that situation. The answer for me was three times in a row of cancelling last minute. And I feel that I was very patient agreeing to the third.

Gizacluethen · 06/03/2022 13:49

’m surprised mumsnetters aren’t more understanding of how a baby can make things difficult!

Not one of your cancellations was because of your baby. If it was "DS has refused to nap all day and now fallen asleep in the car outside said event, I'm really sorry I can't wake him because he'll be a nightmare inside anyway." "DS has caught a terrible cough and been up all night. We don't want you to get it so go without us." "So sorry we're late, everything was perfect perfect picked DS up to put him in the car and got shit all over my had from a killer poonami so had to clean and change us both!" Then fair enough. But no. But she also has a baby, and you've made things more difficult for her so you don't get to use that excuse anyway.

Marchmount · 06/03/2022 13:49

The 4th one was an absolute piss take and I wouldn’t agree to meet anyone who was so flakey and had so little care or consideration for me. After you had been a no show and then cancelled twice on her did you really not think you should make every effort to attend the 4th one? Some people (like you) might brush it off as life happening but its an incredibly rude thing to do and shows how unimportant she is to you. Why would she make the effort to be friends with you?

Sofiegiraffe · 06/03/2022 13:49

Also If she reads this thread I don't think you'll need to worry about hearing from her again, OP.

ISmellBurnings · 06/03/2022 13:49

I have a flaky friend and even when she cancels due to genuine reasons it still pisses me off because it’s yet another cancellation. She’s unreliable. You are unreliable.

GatoradeMeBitch · 06/03/2022 13:49

This woman is living in the same society as you and she has three children.

Perhaps you need to look at becoming a bit more organized.

viques · 06/03/2022 13:50

You have made five arrangements to meet up and for four of those arrangements you have been a no show. The friend clearly enjoys going to the activity, is presumably making new friends there and wants to continue attending. What she can’t be doing with is not knowing if you are going to be arsed to turn up, so has decided that whether or not you go is your decision, she will be there, if you want to attend that is up to you, but her attendance will not be dependant on you.

Frankly my dear, she doesn’t give a damn.

floorbird · 06/03/2022 13:50

@Ionlydomassiveones

“this is my first baby. She has 3 kids so she’s a bit more ‘in the swing of it’ than I am.”

Yeah 3 kids is soooo much easier. Hmm

I didn’t say it was easier (I’m sure it’s not easy!) I just meant this is my first child so I’m finding it hard to get to grips with it whereas she knows what she’s doing by now etc. she seems to just ‘go with it’ whereas I’m finding it hard
OP posts:
Gizacluethen · 06/03/2022 13:51

this is my first baby. She has 3 kids so she’s a bit more ‘in the swing of it’ than I am. I’m sure with her first baby she wasn’t as organised as she is now!

What?! You mean you having one child to look after is harder than her having three? Could any parents of three confirm if this is the case?

Butchyrestingface · 06/03/2022 13:51

this is my first baby. She has 3 kids so she’s a bit more ‘in the swing of it’ than I am. I’m sure with her first baby she wasn’t as organised as she is now!

If she's got three kids, I feel even sorrier for her. Last thing she needs when trying to juggle 3 kids is a Cadbury's Flake taking the arse at her because she wasn't pleased at being cancelled on 4x. Sad

FrecklesMalone · 06/03/2022 13:52

Get back to us when you have 3 and let us know how much easier it is 😂

AndAllOurYesterdays · 06/03/2022 13:52

this is my first baby. She has 3 kids so she’s a bit more ‘in the swing of it’ than I am. I’m sure with her first baby she wasn’t as organised as she is now!

Yep. It's so much easier getting to and prioritising baby classes when you've got to fit around the needs and schedules of two other kids too...

DreamingofTimbuktu · 06/03/2022 13:52

She can’t be bothered with all your excuses or arranging plans around you. That’s fair enough really .

Sofiegiraffe · 06/03/2022 13:53

I’m finding it hard to get to grips with it whereas she knows what she’s doing by now etc.

Says who? Maybe she is struggling just as much and is just better at hiding it and/or doesn't let it impact other people repeatedly?

Do we ever "know what we are doing" as parents? 🤔 my eldest is almost an adult and I still make it up as I go along! If someone suggested they thought I had it easier with my younger child because I knew what I was doing by now, I'd be like 🙄🙄

Beees · 06/03/2022 13:53

I just meant this is my first child so I’m finding it hard to get to grips with it whereas she knows what she’s doing by now etc. she seems to just ‘go with it’ whereas I’m finding it hard

If you're finding it hard now then I'd definitely reassess being a dick and cancelling on someone who could potentially make you're life much much easier. Having a friend who has 3 kids would be invaluable ot most first time mums, you'll find the whole parenting journey a fuck ton harder if you keep alienating people and refusing to admit you're wrong.

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