To think it’s not fair to say I’ve ‘cancelled 4 times’?

[floorbird]

NC as identifiable.

Fairly new friend, we met via an activity our DC attend. She saw an ad for another activity (for DC but to be honest it’s more of a parent social thing as babies don’t get much out of these things I suppose) and we agreed to go together.

The first time we planned to go to this activity I stupidly mixed the dates up. I have no idea how, I just had it in my head it was on one day but it was the day before. She went, asked what happened and I explained and apologised. We then went to the next one together and had a great time.

The next week, I couldn’t go as I was waiting for PCR results (neg).

The week after that, I had to cancel as I’d been in contact with a covid pos person. Can’t be helped. She went alone. I wondered if she seemed a bit short in her texts but assumed I was imagining it because it’s not like I could do anything about being in contact with a positive person.

The next week (a couple of days ago) I was unable to go because I’d been visiting sister in another city and with the baby being up all night and one thing or another the day got away from me (as it does with a young child!) and I wouldn’t have made it back to the place the activity is on time. I explained this to her and apologised profusely (I understand this would have been really annoying but it couldn’t be helped). She didn’t reply.

I texted her today to arrange us going to the next event together and she said seeing as I’ve cancelled four times she’ll just see me there if I make it. I haven’t cancelled 4 times?! The first time was a genuine mistake. 2nd time was waiting for covid test result. The 3rd time I was isolating. The 4th time yes I will admit I cancelled. But that’s one time. I haven’t replied yet, I’m annoyed that she’s acting like I’ve said ‘can’t be bothered’ 4 times!

AIBU to be annoyed that she’s annoyed? Also it’s not like me not being there means she can’t go or enjoy the event. It’s not as if I had invited her round to mine and then just not answered the door!

yes I found her reply quite rude. As i said, me being unable to attend didn’t mess up her plans

Maybe this friendship isn't going to work out then?

She thinks you're flaky.
You think she's rude.

I'd go your separate ways tbh.

I don't understand why you are surprised by her response. You have cancelled four time, so she was only stating the facts. She hasn't told you to fuck off, has she? She just said she'll meet you there so why the drama?

That wasn't the issue though was it.

agreed! I’m surprised mumsnetters aren’t more understanding of how a baby can make things difficult!

Oh you're one of those posters who only replies to those minority who agree with them I see.

Ps. A top tip for the future. Being a parent doesn't give you the right to dick someone around. She had a baby too and yet somehow she managed to meet at the agreed time on the agreed day for 5/5 weeks. A baby is not an excuse for shitty behaviour.

agreed! I’m surprised mumsnetters aren’t more understanding of how a baby can make things difficult!

Maybe half of one of your 4 cancellations was to do with your baby!

YABU OP. You did do the sensible thing by staying home with the covid incidents, as I wouldn't want to be responsible for taking it to a baby group, but you did still cancel each time.

If I were her I would be thinking that you were flaky and say that you will be there each week then don't turn up. (even though most were valid reasons).

Hopefully things will settle down now and you will be able to go each week and you can put it behind you.

But I wouldn't be offended at what she has said.

I’m surprised mumsnetters aren’t more understanding of how a baby can make things difficult!

I have a 10 month old and I'm acutely aware of this. I still think YABU. You didn't ask "AIBU to think a baby makes thinks harder?" Well that's easy, that's a resounding yes, of course it does. You're asking "AIBU for being annoyed that she's annoyed?". She has every right to feel annoyed as would you if you wanted to get out and about as a new mum with a new friend, and had agreed to do so 4 times and been let down 4 times. It comes across as short sighted and a bit arrogant to say she's not entitled to feel annoyed. Of course she is!

Wow OP, I think this woman has had a lucky break dodging your friendship if that is your attitude

She’s got a baby too. And your cancellations weren’t actually baby related. Be friends, don’t be friends, but it sounds like she’s got the measure of you tbh.

The 1st time you couldn't be arsed to know when it was. The 4th time you couldn't be arsed to get home ontime to go. Yeah the middle ones were covid but I can completely see why she's annoyed.

You messaged her about going together when 4 out if the 5 times you've planned to go together you've then not turned up so she's not going to keep planning to go with you is she? You're a liability. And it may not change her plans because she still goes but it really messes with some people (me included) when they don't know who's going somewhere. I hate when people tell me to book them a seat somewhere and they may or may not turn up. I'd rather you just not come than wait to see if you do. I like firm reliable plans. I like to know who I'm going to see. You'd be causing me so much constant anxiety tbh.

@Erinyes

But *@floorbird*, that other woman also has a baby, presumably?

this is my first baby. She has 3 kids so she’s a bit more ‘in the swing of it’ than I am. I’m sure with her first baby she wasn’t as organised as she is now!

agreed! I’m surprised mumsnetters aren’t more understanding of how a baby can make things difficult!

Oh OP. You're one of those.

OP: AIBU?

Everyone: Yes.

OP: No I'm not.

You cancelled four times. She said you cancelled four times. It's that simple.

Maybe look up what cancelled means in a dictionary?

Where are you that you need to isolate for being a close contact?

agreed! I’m surprised mumsnetters aren’t more understanding of how a baby can make things difficult!

Presumably your friend also has a baby, and has managed to attend every session. The baby isn't the reason you've cancelled 4 times, you're just using that as an excuse. If it wasn't the baby it would be something else, you're just a flaky friend.

yes I found her reply quite rude. As i said, me being unable to attend didn’t mess up her plans

You don't actually know this. She may have said no to other offers from other people because she was supposed to meet you. Cancelling the arrangement with you now means she can go or not go as she chooses.

If you are meant to be friends this will happen if you make enough effort. It might just be that you aren't compatible.

"agreed! I’m surprised mumsnetters aren’t more understanding of how a baby can make things difficult!"

Only one if the four times you cancelled was anything to do with a baby!

this is my first baby. She has 3 kids so she’s a bit more ‘in the swing of it’ than I am. I’m sure with her first baby she wasn’t as organised as she is now!

Lol, now I know this must be a wind up. Good one, OP, you sounded convincing at the start.

I get both sides to be honest. I get that life gets in the way, especially with Covid so these things happen.

But I also get your new friends point of view. You said it was a social event for the parent really so going by herself when she would have been looking forward to going with a new friend isn’t fun for her. She’s probably just protecting herself from feeling let down again, which she will have felt regardless of the reason for you saying you couldn’t go.

As you will know, parenting is hard and having that time with a friend, particularly a mum friend, can make a long day or week better and if she has felt let down so many times then she is just wanting to protect herself from that.

I've had babies so you can't say people aren't understanding! Your excuses were confusion and covid anyway.

After the first three times I wouldn't have cancelled her the fourth time, I don't know how you could have done that and feel you've been unfairly treated.

@floorbird You're really not getting it are you.

Cancelled/not turned up/let her down/changed plans or whatever way she put it doesn’t really matter. The fact is she sees you as flakey (can’t blame her) and has decided that rather waste time making plans with you and waiting around for you she’ll just go ahead and do her thing without you and if you show up you show up, if you don’t you don’t. I really don’t see your problem with that. 🤷🏻‍♀️

The time you just didn't show, and the pathetic "day got away from you" are quite shit on your part. Twice for covid is unlucky and coupled with your useless excuses sound made-up, but yes that's 4 cancellations. Have you genuinely not realised that she has a baby too, so faces the same challenges? Did it not occur to you that she was meeting you to have friendly support at the event and you let her down? I met a couple of people like you during maternity leave. I didn't call out to them that they were useless like she did, I just didn't bother to include them in plans in future. You can see this as a wake-up call to start treating people you call a "new friend" with common courtesy, or don't be surprised when the "new friend" stops inviting you to anything. Worth also remembering that you're likely to bump into the same people over and over at other activities, playgrounds, nursery, school, parties etc etc etc. You'll be surprised.

I would find you too unreliable to schedule meetings together. It's a waste of time texting about meetups if you are going to cancel

@Laptopsandmouses

Op are you just clinging to the couple of posters who agree with you and ignoring everyone else🤣🤣🤣

😂 I was just thinking this ! Completely ignoring the 98% of posters stating the obvious

After the first three times I wouldn't have cancelled her the fourth time,

This. My sister lives a considerable distance from me, I wouldn't have chosen that particular day to visit her and risked a 4th cancellation. I'd only do that if I couldn't be arsed with my new "friend", and I'd fully expect her to me miffed if I did.