What are the rudest/funniest things people have ever said to you?

[Janeyjacke]

Mine were a friend in high school (we were around 15) "You'd be so pretty if only you got your teeth fixed."
I have a long European surname, and my first name has 3 syllabes. I phoned up about a job once, told the guy my full name. He repeated it to me as a question, and then laughed down the phone at it.

Told by my abusive ex partner several years ago that I was 'nothing', and a 'parasite'. I had done nothing to warrant this.

Not really rude but just amusing, when I was 27 a friend's partner told me that if I wanted to have kids I'd really better hurry up 'with my age'. Would be interested to hear others.

15 years old, mum dispatched me to visit an aunt we hadn't seen in ten years. Aunt met me off train. Spotted me when there was nobody else left "ooh, you must be longwayoff? You're not a bit like your mum are you? She was an absolute beauty at your age" Yay aunt footinmouth.

Oh I'd forgotten this one. Ex MIL, first meeting, 'Llewellyn, that's a Welsh name isn't it? Very deceitful, the Welsh" "Oh, I hadn't heard that. I know we're famous for being unfailingly polite, unlike the English" Things never really recovered from then on. Apologies to all Welsh and English, this was just competitive bitching, don't take it personally.

I had cystic acne as a young teenager. I was a very pale skinned redhead, and it was VERY obvious.
My mother announced "Well, you don't take after me. I've never had a spot in my life."
Just what you need when you've got a face like a pizza.

@annabanana88

At my sons primary 3 school show sitting in the audience...it gets to his part - he looks me dead in the eye and says into the microphone " Mum is that Dragon Soup you're drinking "? I could've died as all the other parents turned to stare 🙈...think it was a can of Red Bull 😂🤣

Red Bull at a school play? Might as well had some meths.

Sooooo many, and sadly I can remember every one

Reading the Harrods one, I remember going to collect Dh from his job some years ago, and as I walked through the door the receptionist said, “The DHSS is next door.” Clearly I am not a Real Housewife (Actually I was quite pleased…..)

The doctor up the road who, when I said I was a sahm, responded, “Hmmmph, I could never let my brain rot.” Jolly good, but she is the woman whose mother arrives at 7.30am every day and stays till 6 to look after the dcs. My parents ahead and Dh works away

I have sooooo many of these, I must have a face that invites insults, I don't know! In not particular order:

• from a guy I fancied at school, who also fancied me back but didn't want anyone to know 'I don't like you because you're attractive, because you're not, but you know that', and 'I don't know why, but I find your really hot!' (I did reply to that last one the reason was because I was fucking gorgeous, and he could get fucked)

• from a near-retirement male colleague 'before I knew you were pregnant, I thought you were just one of those larger ladies', 'they were like you, let's just say, not fit looking....rotund....' I had to shut him up, he just kept going!

• a different colleague 'your hair looks different, have you washed it?' I'd had 8 inches chopped off it 😂

• finally, someone i considered a friend 'you didn't have a miscarriage, you had a late period', complete with eye roll and frustrated demeanour.

Those are the ones that pop to my mind first, there have been many, many others. The first and the last made me angry, the others I had to laugh at.

I am so impressed by the resilience and good humour of the posters on here - so gracious in the face of really appalling insults

I was 13 stood in the church kitchen eating a biscuit and the Youth group leader said to me "Don't you think you need to be watching your figure?". Now I am never quick off the mark with retorts and come-backs but somehow for the only time in my life I was. I just said "I am. I'm watching it get rounder", smiled at him and carried on eating my biscuit.

My favourite was XMIL on being told XH and I were expecting a baby.

"You should have an abortion - really it's pathetic, you should know enough not to make a mistake like that."

I was 31, we were engaged (with a date set) and were in the process of buying a house together. She made me feel like I was 16.

So many from my mother, I wouldn't even know where to begin, and most of them are just shockingly nasty, not funny.

My nan :( whispered very loudly to my mum "hasn't she put on weight. Hasn't she put on weight". Had to sit there listening to it. It's tainted all my memories of her as that was one of the last times I saw her.

In front of me ex P mother said 'you need to get yourself a decent GF'
She was an absolute bitch. I was only 17 ffs. He was in his mid 20s 🙄

Years ago a friend of my bf in a club leaned over and said you are really fucking ugly. Managed to not cry until I'd walked off, told bf through my tears and he said nothing, not even you're beautiful to me,that hurt more than the comment and left me to walk home by myself and went back into the club! He became an ex not long after.
More recently in a pub I was wearing a tiered orange dress, in the loo a stranger said you look like a beautiful wasp! Compliment or insult?😀
My Mum whilst I was sitting next to her looked at my sister and said she always thought she was the best Mum out of the three of her daughters. Thanks Mum.

@LetsGoCrazyPurpleBanana I had similar from an elderly aunt a few years back but she said it in front of others at a family gathering. I went into the toilet and had a quiet sob. Looking back I know I shouldn't have let it upset me but it did at the time. I don't think there was malice intended, it was just a total lack of tact! It was mortifying though

Not to me but about me and pointing and very loudly,
Completely strange in asda expressing her disgust at ' these teenagers nowadays, sleeping around and getting pregnant young just to live off benefits!'
When I was 25, married (we'd been together for 5 years before getting engaged and another2 years till the wedding, so wasn't a shotgun wedding), working full time and baby was very much planned! 😡 oh and we've never claimed a penny we haven't earned!

From an ex work colleague.
I thought you had been away on holiday, after I replied yes I had she then said well why are you so pale? Err because I have very pale skin.
Same woman: You can't have primary aged children, surely your children are teenagers? After I explained that no, my children are still young. Oh I thought you were a lot older than you are, you look much older than me. Actually no, you are just delusional. Same woman, oh you have had your hair done. I replied yes I have. She then spent 5 minutes asking why had I had it coloured like that and why had I had it cut in that style. Needless to say I wasn't sorry why she left work.

ExH - you’re really not that bright are you? I disproved his theory via the medium of divorce settlement 😜

"you were always too fat for me anyway"
After breaking up with him

OKay I'll do you two for the price of one.

Proud parent of 2 Oxbridge graduates, at table "There are only two good universities" - er half the table had gone to other universities and parent had been to none.

My favourite - as a keen litter picker - following a girl outside Clapham tube who had just chucked a coffee cup and cigarette packet on the ground.

Me sternly "Are these yours?"
"Yes," she said, smiling sweetly. "But you can keep them."
Me told.

When I was 27 weeks pregnant my boss was talking to a customer about how much longer before I went on maternity leave, she called me over, pointed at my stomach and said “I wouldn’t do that to my body for anyone”

As a teenager a friend told me I was the ugliest person he had seen in his life. If you are out there Rob, I've never forgotten it and felt conscious for 25 years, so fuck you.

A friend said to me "now I've gained some weight as I've been eating out a lot recently, you are the slimmest out of the two of us now". Talk about a back handed compliment

XH admitted (after our divorce), that he was deliberately late 'because he didn't like me telling him what to do'.
Those occasions were hospital appointments for DC, and work commitments for me, etc.
I eventually resorted to telling him a time that was half an hour earlier so I stood a chance of being on time.

"Do you want your baby to suffocate?" , said by a midwife to me as a new mum to my day old son because his feet weren't touching the bottom of the cot.

At a BBQ out of nowhere my SIL leaned right into my face and said 'Ugh are those freckles on your actual lips? Oh my god that's vile'....

When my dad met a new woman a couple of years ago, I got chatting to her as you do and she was telling me a story about her ex-best friend and how they had fallen out etc. She also tried to explain to me what her ex-best friend looked like including how 'big' she apparently was, and she actually said to me..... "Well I know you're big Butterfly3005, but she's even bigger than you!"

Erm thanks! 😕