What are the rudest/funniest things people have ever said to you?

[Janeyjacke]

Mine were a friend in high school (we were around 15) "You'd be so pretty if only you got your teeth fixed."
I have a long European surname, and my first name has 3 syllabes. I phoned up about a job once, told the guy my full name. He repeated it to me as a question, and then laughed down the phone at it.

Told by my abusive ex partner several years ago that I was 'nothing', and a 'parasite'. I had done nothing to warrant this.

Not really rude but just amusing, when I was 27 a friend's partner told me that if I wanted to have kids I'd really better hurry up 'with my age'. Would be interested to hear others.

My DD was a very beautiful baby (I know most parents think that but in her case it was objectively true ). My sister couldn't seem to understand how I had produced her and at a family gathering where all my relatives were meeting DD for the first time and cooing over her my sister kept interjecting with various forms of "Can you believe SHE had a baby that looks like that?" "How did that happen?!". My sister is not usually a dickhead so I was really puzzled at her insensitivity to an already somewhat struggling new mother. Admittedly, I'm no Victoria Secrets model but Jesus I'm not hideous! She seemed genuinely amazed and I felt like fucking Quasimodo.

People who think like this are not worthy to have as friends, you are better off without her!

@schnubbins

I came back from a few years of living abroad and met up with one of my best friends .We had met when we were younger and worked together as nurses , both of us got married around the same time , had our children etc .Shortly after returning we met up and she informed me that she wouldn't have much time for me as a friend anymore as she "now moves in different circles' She had married a doctor and felt she had moved up into a world that I was no longer part of .She actually never called me again.Still hurts .

People who think like this aren't worthy of having friends, you are better off without her!

I've only read the first 20 and I'm disgusted by half of them. @dogaibu, your dad was a piece of work.

Sister when I was 8 months pregnant with my first and quite huge, came to visit and took a photo of me in my robe one morning. After she went home she copied me in the email she sent to family saying look how massive she is haha. I lost every bit of that baby weight much to her disappointment

Said to me in a nightclub by a lad I knew from my course, while another lad from my course sniggered in anticipation beside him: "Are you a good looking bloke or a woman?"
A pupil to my secondary school teacher friend: "Miss, would you wear shoes if you didn't have feet?"
"Of course not."
"Why'd you wear a bra then, Miss?"
Sitting in a pub in Waterloo with a potential love interest. Random older man approaches us and says to me: "I think you're really beautiful, but Tom over there - nods towards grizzled pal - says your arse is huge."

My mother on being told I was in hospital on Xmas day with sepsis ‘I don’t know what that is but your brother has an ear infection’. And subsequently telling me I was a horrible child…. Overlooking the fact that giving your child away to some violent alcoholics might make them act a bit oddly. I put this out there only in the hope it might help someone

I have a light-hearted one.

A couple of years ago at work I was signing one of the young waitresses in for the start of her shift when a guest came up to the desk. Once I had dealt with her query she asked if the waitress was my daughter! Baring in mind said waitress was 17 at the time and I was mid 20s so not even biologically possible, but we also look nothing alike 🤣🤣 I was struggling to keep a straight face. The next day she claimed she meant to ask if we were sisters which didn't really make it much better...to this day the waitress in question still jokingly refers to me as mum

I have really thick, curly hair, in a morning I would brush my hair in my room and then go downstairs and every time my DM would ask me if I had brushed my hair (she never asked me if I hadn't) then get mad at me for getting upset.
My first day at secondary school I walked into the girls toilets and an older group of girls started laughing and said "it looks like she has a Bush on her head"
I still have major issues around my hair even now, so much so, that when I last had my hair cut, the hairdresser cut it a bit too short (too short to tie up) and I had a panic attack because of it. Then some asshole came into where I work and said "oh bushy hair" I wanted to go in the back and cry.

As a teen whenever I went clothes shopping with my mum and I would try trousers on "your bum looks big in that" I also still have issues with trousers. I wore a pair to work that were tighter than I normally wear (not really tight, just not baggy) and a colleague said "oh you have your bum out today in those tight trousers" she tried to back track when I told her I wouldn't be able to wear those trousers again, went downstairs and cried. It was made worse by the fact I was a size 12 trouser when my mum would say it and am now after 2 kid a size 16.

Won a prize at university for best overall performance. I was a mature student with two small children. My dad said ‘it’s a pity you don’t keep the house tidier’.

I was out in a bar one night about 11 years ago standing alone waiting for my friend who had gone to the loo. A very drunk older guy came up and said hi so I politely replied. He then told me that I smelt and needed to change my knickers. I was absolutely stunned, upset and gobsmacked. I've always been extremely hot on personal hygiene, shower everyday, fresh clothes, hair washed regularly. I've never forgotten it and it still makes me feel bad! It was horrible

Some of the comments I've read on this thread are despicable

Just have to add to the MIL bashing here.
Or the monster in law/ megabitch as she’s more affectionately known.
Me (sat on downstairs toilet with door open so I can hear baby, 2 days PP, in a lot of pain which we later found out was a real nasty infection via split internal stitches)

Her: walks in the house, hears me quietly sobbing. Puts her head around the toilet door and asks ‘why are you being mardy?’

She works on the mat ward and had literally witnessed me being stitched up like a fucking teddy bear.

As an extremely shy & depressed& self conscious teenager, - my DM burst into my room & said "I don't know why you spend so much time looking in the mirror, you're never gonna make any money of that face" - she was right to be fair

Someone once said to me - it's nice to meet you....ish - I actually secretly love her for this because I still giggle about years later.

A mum talking about our DC - no longer in the same class, "last year my DC was a big fish in a small pond, but this year they've got competition"
So my DC is one of those small fish then... thanks 😊

My so called BFF visiting me after giving birth - misheard my comment about birth saying it's not too bad & offered up "don't worry you'll grow to love it, I looked at my 2nd & thought is that it!. I was actually overwhelmed with love & pride at the time ....🤷🏼‍♀️

MIL when last DC was born a few weeks early "are they normal, have the done all the tests" they were completely fucking normal which is more than can be said for her !

My ex's best friend who went to a super posh boarding school smirked and asked me how I ever expected to become a barrister with "that accent".

I am a barrister. :)

@schnubbins

I came back from a few years of living abroad and met up with one of my best friends .We had met when we were younger and worked together as nurses , both of us got married around the same time , had our children etc .Shortly after returning we met up and she informed me that she wouldn't have much time for me as a friend anymore as she "now moves in different circles' She had married a doctor and felt she had moved up into a world that I was no longer part of .She actually never called me again.Still hurts .

It was her loss. Not yours. People who climb a greasy pole must always be careful because it is very easy to slip on the way down. I knew someone who married "up" In her opinion (dentist) but 12 years later he was having an affair with the receptionist and the 5bed detached had to be sold and she was back in a terrace. His friends didn't want to know and she had ditched her friends from school and college and ended up lonely for a long time. Your past friend has no idea what the future holds. Meanwhile I hope you have a nice new friend 💐

@Thehonestybox

When I worked on a bar that had mainly middle aged 'lad' customers.

Me: "that'll be £16"
Drunk guy: "16 quid! I hope filled it with a pint of your pure vagina juice at that price!"

Then he instantly just threw up on his own shoes and the bouncer kicked him out, while I was still processing the phrase 'pure vagina juice'

The phrase "pure vagina juice" makes me want to throw up too 🤮🤢

A couple friends who I don’t really see now,Said to me over lunch.Their friend is as big as me and smells bad but I don’t smell.I just wanted to get out of their as quick as possible.So many rude things said to me over the years all the time by so called friends mostly about weight

I was having chemotherapy for pancreatic cancer when I was 28.

The pre surgery chemo I was having was originally a palliative chemo and the pharmacist in the hospital hadn’t changed that on the system, so when it was brought over to me the prescription said I was a palliative patient.

Cue major meltdown as I was misdiagnosed for a while and found it hard to trust doctors - I was convinced they’d lied to me.

My dad told me “it’s your fault you’re in a state, you shouldn’t have been looking at it” and my aunty said “is she always like this?”.

Needless to say I went NC around 3 years ago and my life is substantially happier without them in it.

I’m nearly 5 years cancer free 🙌

Sat in the hairdressers in my twenties (many moons ago) having quite a long treatment. They offered to get me a sandwich with the staff order from the cafe next door: “shall I just get us all a ham salad?” They asked. “Not for me, I’m afraid, I’m a vegetarian. Can I have cheese instead of ham please?”

“You’re a vegetarian? Really? They’re normally thin aren’t they?” Was the response se

I laugh now

My STBX about 1 month after he left me, about 2 weeks before I found out about his affair:

"You are so argumentative, you're the reason your father had his fatal heart attack"

Nevermind that although yes, we did argue the evening he died, I refused to engage with my dad and everything was fine when he went out to mow the lawn. 15 Minutes later, he had a heart attack and never recovered. My STBX never met my father. When he said that, something broke in me, and I decided that I didn't want to waste a single second working on reconciliation with someone who could be so cruel.

My step mother, when she wanted a dig, would say 'Oh, justa, you are ARE a funny woman'. She never said it when anyone else was around, only when it was just the two of us.

@culturalwasteland

Hi Maverickess

I haven't posted here in a long while but I found your post very moving and just wanted to say I am so sorry you experienced that. It was horrendous for you and utterly despicable behaviour on both their parts and must have had such a negative impact on you. Wishing you lots of love and encouragement and hope you have a good life now.

Thank you, it's only when I became a parent myself that I realised how saying something like that to a child repeatedly is more about them than me, and that until that point, being treated like that was normal for me. Onwards and upwards though!

I was once in a pub in Newcastle with a bunch of mates. A bit overly refreshed and possibly talking quite a lot, but it was a group discussion as far as I was aware. Older woman, very beautiful, long grey hair, gorgeous clothes very aristocratic looking, sat silently by herself in the corner. For some reason she and I accidentally locked eyes several times. At chucking out time she came up to me, bent close, and said, quietly and very nicely, "Do you know, I've been listening to you all evening, and you do talk the most tremendous bollocks."

ExH to me during a discussion about having kids..

' Well if you ever had a kid it would be a mongol because you're half a mongol yourself '

Please excuse the wording,,this is as exactly as he said it ,which it makes even worse..
Arsehole

A Sunday School play, I was having some make up applied, I'd be about 9/10, and the woman said 'Oh thank God you've got a nose I can get hold of, can't stand those tiny noses!'

When we told MIL that I was pregnant, been married about 8 years, her first words were 'How will you manage his meals when you're in hospital?'!.
When No1 was about 15 months old we told her that No2 was on the way and she said 'Oh you're like bloody rabbits'!

I was once having a drink with someone I really fancied and we were talking about Universities, I said I thought that Bristol was for Oxford/Cambridge rejects. Thanks, he said and that was the end of that!