To have used a MALAPROPISM

[Monty27]

To try to impress on date 😲
And the date laughed at it, I went scarlet and wanted the earth to open and swallow me up.
What's yours or a friend's, family? What's your experience of this please tell me I'm not alone 😱😂

I asked the dentist to be sure to numb my mouth with Lanacane (I meant Lignacane). DM when going on holiday announced that it was all Exclusive, we chuckled to think that she had to pay for everything.

Many years ago as a student nurse I had to do a stint in the psychiatric hospital as part of my adult nursing training. I had to give patient handover one afternoon but I found the charge nurse quite intimidating. I said 'and this patient also has a stigmata' He smirked and said 'where did he leave his cross then?' Of course I meant stigmatism. I went bright red!

My granny used to call tins of Carnation ‘evacuated’ milk. I am afraid we used to wind her up by saying ‘it’s not evacuated, it’s exasperated’. I don’t think she ever managed to say ‘evaporated’.

Oh yes and I accidently said "Viagra falls" instead of Niagara falls once.. To my in laws. We don't even use bloody Viagra

one of those -fakeasfuck- playground mums loudly boasted her (3rd in five months) soulmate was moving in and then.."hes a landslide gadner- before scoffing,so none of you will have met him"
is that one?malethingthing?

I was once at a meeting, where I heard a headteacher refer to her school's 'incest days'. Everyone was trying had not to giggle.

(For those outside the UK- she meant INSET (in-service training) days.)

Best thread in a while!!! My friend who was getting injured a lot told me "she was in the walls" ;)

And my husband once while speaking to a girlfriend's dad - was trying to point out there was something on his upper lip band trying to impress - thought he'd say -you have something on your philtrum (upper lip) except he told the the girlfriends father that he had a little something on his perineum

@DuckonaBike

I once had along conversation with someone when I complained my hair had gone really frizzy and she said I should try putting semen on it. I didn’t dare correct her (she meant serum!) so I just had to pretend I hadn’t heard of it while she kept repeating it - this was years ago when it was quite a new thing.

Somehow I have never fancied hair serum and have never tried it…

Perhaps she was thinking about Cameron Diaz in There's Something About Mary!

@CounsellorTroi

I do like a mixed metaphor. No good crying after the spilt milk has bolted.

My mother once said 'The stable door has already bolted.'

When I was getting married to my now exH whose first language wasn't English, during the ceremony where you have to repeat the phrases, he said 'I know of no awful impediment...' !

My mam said someone was emancipated, oh that's nice I replied. No! she snapped she is far too thin, mam meant emaciated

My DP, and also his DM, say that an item which has gone missing will “come to life”
I snigger every time at the idea of Barbie, misplaced under the sofa, springing to life and having a dance around

My sister always refers to my first car as my "Volkswagen Polio"

I work in a primary school with year 6. A good few years back the key stage 2 SATs paper has a non fiction text about octopus facts.
I have seen so many children (during assessment weeks when we reuse the paper) who make the same mistake in retrieval of info from the text…
‘Octopus testicles have a mind of their own.’

When I was little (sort of 7-8yo) I used to see those “trespassers will be prosecuted” signs and think they meant “trespassers will be executed”. I thought the world took private property rights very seriously indeed and was terrified I might accidentally trespass onto private land and be shot. 😂

I have been doing online exercise classes where the presenters regularly include a move they call a Scotty Dog. They are too young to realise why it is usually known as a Spotty Dog.

Friends brother text her that he was going into hospital to have a procedure done and that they were going to seduce him first. To be fair I guess that one could be an auto correct!

Oh God, I did this once with a new boyfriend. It was something that was probably a family joke like saying 'brave the elephants' instead of 'brave the elements'. Anyway, I forget what it was, but I felt it was an obvious joke, and used it as my answer when he and I were playing trivial pursuit one evening.

He was a really bright chap (hence why I thought he'd get it) but he just looked at me and laughed and said 'wrong, it's actually xxx'. When I said I knew that and it was a joke, he looked at me pityingly, and clearly thought I was covering. I'm intelligent and good with words, but felt really small and as though he thought I was cheating....

Anyway - that relationship didn't last. but I still feel miffed so I understand where you're coming from!

I had a Pilates teacher who repeatedly told me that swimming might exasperate my bad back

@BalladOfBarryAndFreda

Oh goody, a thread full of never happeneds

Admittedly, some come straight from the ‘faux amis’ playbook from French teachers, which always feature the jam/condoms and the exchange student who, when offered dessert, refuses because ‘Je suis pleine’.

I’ve just remembered another one my FIL uses - passed with flying carpets. I used to think it was a common-ish malapropism but faced with many confused looks, I think it’s probably just OH’s family

My mum, brother and I were members at our local Am Dram society. One year, when I was about 12, my job was assistant stage manager and prompter on the pantomime. It was a large cast and a small stage with very little space in the wings. So I was supposed to go from the wings down to the dressing room and call the cast members up to the stage just before their cue. But in the dress rehearsal people kept coming up early and standing in the wings before they were actually needed. So I asked the director if I could make an announcement to the cast. She said yes and I stood on a chair in front of the crowded dressing room (perhaps 30 adults plus children plus my Mum) and said "could everyone please stay in the dressing room until they get their call from me - it's quite difficult when you're all up there masturbating back stage". In my mind I was looking for the word crowding/making a mass .

Just seen on FB "One of the worst things about being a mum of twins is the intrusive questions, like they want to know the exact moment you convinced".

Probably auto correct but still o:

[quote sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea]@juteweaver Possibly apocryphal, but apparently some child once said 'Gold, myrrh, Frank sent this' [/quote]
Reminds of something I read once about the child who ended prayers with " in the name of the Father, Son and the Norfolk coast"

@Annoyedtoomuch

Someone I know once said ‘well I’m surprised she’s not asleep as she is a necrophaeliac’ very loudly in a restaurant. She meant narcoleptic.

She also told a child - about a horse. ‘If he doesn’t move just give him a good yank.’ But replace the y with a w.

‘I don’t give one aorta!’

‘Damp squid’

I could go on

I'm crying with laughter on these ones.

Loving a damp squid who doesn't give one aorta 🤣