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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP not affording date day

188 replies

toptrumpsyes · 05/03/2022 12:40

On the whole my DP is lovely but I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or not.

I’ve had a really rough few weeks and today DP said we can go for a nice lunch. I packed nice clothes for this when visiting him this weekend (we don’t live together). Next weekend he is going out for a meal and go karting with his friends and he has just bought a festival ticket too.

In fairness he doesn’t go out loads and he has had these planned a while. But also I know that if his friends asked him to get a takeaway etc he would.
He said he can’t afford to take us out today anymore and I do feel like a lot of the time we spend staying in and cooking and saving money. He’s been nice about it but I can’t help but feel like second best?

OP posts:
Luredbyapomegranate · 05/03/2022 22:59

Not ok.

You need to just tell him this. And move on if his priorities don’t change.

VinylCafe · 06/03/2022 02:27

@JinglingHellsBells

But he's not really struggling, is he, if he's able to buy a festival ticket, a meal and karting with his friends as well as takeouts if his friends ask. He only struggles if it's anything to do with Op.

Poor Op. You deserve better.

Sometimes @VinylCafe, it looks as if some posters are reading another thread Hmm

Is it really that hard to grasp the facts?

She said the karting and jolly with his mates was arranged ages ago. Therefore he'd planned that in his budget.

The meal was mentioned this week (I assume) so it's clear he has had 2nd thoughts about the cost and decides that for the rest of this month he has to rein in his spending. That's sensible.

It is disappointing, sure. But it's not the end of the world.

Yes, he should think harder beforehand about his cash flow. But it's most definitely not a dumping matter.

Hard to believe some posters see it as that.

Is that dig at me? You mention it twice so I guess it is. I read Op's post and understood it.

Look, he offers to take Op out for lunch but, after she travels to his place, decides he can't afford it. That's not sensible, that's mean.

Yes, he had already made plans to have a jolly with his mates and spent money on a festival ticket. BUT, he then tells Op he was taking her out to lunch. Why, if he was so 'sensible' about his finances?

The whole point here is he isn't sensible, he's an idiot and Op is better off without him.

bellac11 · 06/03/2022 02:31

Because he made a mistake, he's fallible, he's human?

mathanxiety · 06/03/2022 03:50

You got the old bait and switch.

Talk is cheap - a lot cheaper than doing what he said he would do with you and for you.

Dump him. He isn't making an effort to keep his word. He's taking you for granted.

Who does the cooking when you go to his place?

JinglingHellsBells · 06/03/2022 07:59

So in your eyes @VinylCafe, someone is not allowed to change their mind, even if they know their first decision was wrong?

You are muddling up what I said. I said it was sensible not to get into debt. I didn't say it was sensible to retract an offer- that shows bad financial planning/budgeting- which is what I said.

We just don't know enough about this relationship- ages of the OP etc and how long they have dated. It's a bit odd to call him a partner then refer to a 'date' which implies the relationship is fairly young.

MRex · 06/03/2022 08:53

The message I see here is: don't try to date if you're poor, your personality isn't enough.

Is it that some of you can't earn much themselves so they need to know a man can provide for them?

Clymene · 06/03/2022 09:00

@MRex

The message I see here is: don't try to date if you're poor, your personality isn't enough.

Is it that some of you can't earn much themselves so they need to know a man can provide for them?

No, the message here is that the OP's boyfriend doesn't think she is a priority
mysweetlemonpie · 06/03/2022 10:01

I would say he's showing you that you are not a priority to him.

You need to discuss this, and then probably walk as even if he agrees he's dropped the ball he's shown he's not that bothered about you.

Sorry Thanks

iloveruby · 06/03/2022 10:16

I'd be feeling a bit more generous to the boyfriend IF he had come up with a nice alternative but that doesn't seem to be the case nor does it seem to be a one-off. The regular staying in and saving money suggests that he is choosing to spend his disposable income (however much that might be) in his friends, not spending time with OP.

OP - there are different views on this thread, but clearly you feel unhappy with the situation. If you don't feel valued or happy in a relationship that is absolutely fine and you need to think about whether this is an annoying one-off or part of a wider pattern.

For what its worth, I would not be impressed and would expect a significant improvement for the relationship to have a chance of continuing.

Original poster
toptrumpsyes · 06/03/2022 11:14

Hi all, sorry for the delay! I’ve read all your responses and thank you for all your views.

To answer your questions we have been together a year and are saving for a deposit.

I had a chat with him about how I felt and he apologised, saying that he feels he’s become too focused on trying to save money to get our deposit and didn’t realise he wasn’t living enough in the moment. In fairness he planned the day with his friends and the festival a few weeks ago, and paid for the festival as they were selling out. He hasn’t really got any other plans this month. He told me he wants to stop stressing about money so much and enjoy ourselves.
He made me lunch yesterday and has planned a dinner date tomorrow after work, with strict instructions to wear a fancy outfit! 😂

Thank you all x

OP posts:
Phobiaphobic · 06/03/2022 13:25

Well done, OP. I'm glad you made your feelings clear, and I'm glad too that he's stepped up.

JinglingHellsBells · 06/03/2022 13:34

@toptrumpsyes

Hi all, sorry for the delay! I’ve read all your responses and thank you for all your views.

To answer your questions we have been together a year and are saving for a deposit.

I had a chat with him about how I felt and he apologised, saying that he feels he’s become too focused on trying to save money to get our deposit and didn’t realise he wasn’t living enough in the moment. In fairness he planned the day with his friends and the festival a few weeks ago, and paid for the festival as they were selling out. He hasn’t really got any other plans this month. He told me he wants to stop stressing about money so much and enjoy ourselves.
He made me lunch yesterday and has planned a dinner date tomorrow after work, with strict instructions to wear a fancy outfit! 😂

Thank you all x

That's all good.

I guess what you both could think about if you are planning on buying a place, is your budget for 'fun' and what you each save.

If at this early stage, you aren' t singing from the same hymn sheet, it doesn't bode well. Is he a saver and you're a spender?

You see, instead of coming here and asking for advice, you could have supported his choice and decided that saving £50 towards your new home was better than splurging it on a meal.

How long have you been seeing him?

RockinHorseShit · 06/03/2022 16:16

Great update Smile

Enjoy your date xx

bellac11 · 06/03/2022 16:21

Its amazing what people think they can read into an OP.

LottyD32 · 06/03/2022 16:35

Would you not offer yo pay for lunch op?

How often do you go 50/50 or treat him?

Nanny0gg · 06/03/2022 17:01

@LottyD32

Would you not offer yo pay for lunch op?

How often do you go 50/50 or treat him?

Did you read her update?
JustKittenAround · 06/03/2022 17:22

@Hertsgirl10 nobody said that was the only value.

Don’t be mad because I don’t let men treat me like trash.

I deserve to be treated and spoiled. So do you, but you don’t even see it.

Sad.

Bertiebiscuit · 06/03/2022 17:49

How can you bear such a tight mean skinflint - this is an absolute red flag in my book - he is treating you as 2nd class, totally taking you for granted - I can't begin to understand why you tolerate this - you deserve better, why not have the row, abd if he doesn't improve, bin him - mean tight men are the absolute pits

Hertsgirl10 · 06/03/2022 17:52

[quote JustKittenAround]@Hertsgirl10 nobody said that was the only value.

Don’t be mad because I don’t let men treat me like trash.

I deserve to be treated and spoiled. So do you, but you don’t even see it.

Sad.[/quote]
@JustKittenAround

That’s a very strange assumption on a few comments, we wasn’t talking about me. I have no examples on my life, my husband or how I’m treated, even a little psychic there thinking I don’t see what I deserve. Weird.

I was talking about people willing leaving a good guy cos he can’t AFFORD to take her out as he’s had plans for a while to go out, which he doesn’t make a habit of.

And I said it wasn’t a wasted journey cos she still gets to spend time with him, but people on here you included seem to think your worth and value is affected by this and would dump him 😂

Again… how much someone spends on you doesn’t prove anything, some of the richest men neglect their partners and throw money at them to shut them up, that’s not him knowing her worth that’s money keeping her quiet. Look at Kim & Kanye for example.

Money isn’t the only way to be spoilt by your partner, that isn’t anyone having low standards just because there’s other ways to enjoy company of a partner and being spoilt in different ways.
But hey if a free lunch makes you feel like you’re standards are so high then at least you’re happy I suppose.

Clymene · 06/03/2022 18:03

Well done for telling him how you feel @toptrumpsyes - glad he's risen to the challenge. Enjoy your date 

Sillyname63 · 06/03/2022 19:53

I think everyone else is missing the point on OP. " He Said we can go out for a nice lunch" it was planned obviously only a day or so before it was going to happen
the fact that he already had other things planned next week he would have known about.
I think he is either very stupid or very mean
Have got in the habit of going to visit each other staying in and cooking with sex that night? If so I think he is taking you for granted.
Do you plan treats when he visits you?
If so I would I would ask myself what do I get from this relationship?

NannaKaren · 06/03/2022 20:52

Agree with ‘Speaking my
Mind’ get shot of him …

Cognoscenti · 06/03/2022 20:58

We have literally no idea if OP treats him too, ever pays 50/50 or just expects to be treated without reciprocation... Maybe it's usually completely equal. Sad that so many would leave after this, quite materialistic.
I'm glad it's sorted now OP. 🙂

JackieLou · 06/03/2022 21:00

Tell him you’re sorry but if he’s poor and isn’t going to spend his every penny spoiling you like a princess, then you don’t want to spend time with him.

grapewines · 06/03/2022 21:37

@JackieLou

Tell him you’re sorry but if he’s poor and isn’t going to spend his every penny spoiling you like a princess, then you don’t want to spend time with him.
Are you serious? It's very difficult to tell on here sometimes.

Luckily for OP it seems to have worked out.

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