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AIBU?

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Original poster

DP not affording date day

188 replies

toptrumpsyes · 05/03/2022 12:40

On the whole my DP is lovely but I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or not.

I’ve had a really rough few weeks and today DP said we can go for a nice lunch. I packed nice clothes for this when visiting him this weekend (we don’t live together). Next weekend he is going out for a meal and go karting with his friends and he has just bought a festival ticket too.

In fairness he doesn’t go out loads and he has had these planned a while. But also I know that if his friends asked him to get a takeaway etc he would.
He said he can’t afford to take us out today anymore and I do feel like a lot of the time we spend staying in and cooking and saving money. He’s been nice about it but I can’t help but feel like second best?

OP posts:
Westfacing · 05/03/2022 13:38

'I’ve had a really rough few weeks and today DP said we can go for a nice lunch'

To me that indicates it's his treat, regardless of your usual arrangements e.g. 50/50% etc.

He sounds selfish and stingy - who wants to stay in and cook when you've had a rough few weeks.

Surely he could have paid by credit card?

BoodleBug51 · 05/03/2022 13:41

That sounds really depressing OP.

He can spend money, he's just choosing not to on you.

Lockheart · 05/03/2022 13:42

@Westfacing

'I’ve had a really rough few weeks and today DP said we can go for a nice lunch'

To me that indicates it's his treat, regardless of your usual arrangements e.g. 50/50% etc.

He sounds selfish and stingy - who wants to stay in and cook when you've had a rough few weeks.

Surely he could have paid by credit card?

If someone said to me "we can go out for a nice lunch" I would not assume that means they're paying.

Not everyone has credit cards or wants to use them for things like lunches. Why run up debt if you don't need to? I would argue it's selfish to expect someone to spend money they don't have on you.

Lockheart · 05/03/2022 13:43

@BoodleBug51

That sounds really depressing OP.

He can spend money, he's just choosing not to on you.

OP says he doesn't go out much and that these events are long-planned. Must he spend every spare penny on her?
Helenluvsrob · 05/03/2022 13:45

Rubbish.
If he can’t afford a meal our why not a picnic or a little cafe ?
Husband and I often take the dog for a walk and brunch outside which is a £3 bacon sarnie ….. not posh or glamorous but cosy and nice

Lockheart · 05/03/2022 13:48

@Helenluvsrob

Rubbish. If he can’t afford a meal our why not a picnic or a little cafe ? Husband and I often take the dog for a walk and brunch outside which is a £3 bacon sarnie ….. not posh or glamorous but cosy and nice
A picnic? In this weather?? Bit ambitious I think Grin
Beachbreak2411 · 05/03/2022 13:48

Why can’t you pay? Or lower your expectations and make a picnic and go for a walk?

GiantHaystacks2021 · 05/03/2022 13:51

Have you ever met any of his family and friends - or are you a secret?

He's choosing not to spend money on time together with you.

One of the best sayings I've heard recently is -
If they really wanted to, they would.

I would bin him - today.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 05/03/2022 13:53

A picnic? In this weather?? Bit ambitious I think

It's lovely here! Blue skies and sunshine - yes, you'd need a coat but it's perfectly nice enough to sit outside for a meal.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 05/03/2022 13:54

OP - why is the expectation that he pays? Can't you split the bill 50/50 or offer to pay yourself if you want to go out so badly?

If someone said "we can go for lunch" I wouldn't necessarily assume they were paying.

PrincessNutella · 05/03/2022 13:55

He just said no and didn't make an effort to come up with a replacement, like a little picnic or something special. I have been married for multiple decades, and my husband cooks me dinner every night. He serves it to me as if he is a headwaiter at the fanciest restaurant in Paris and watches me eating it as if it's the best movie he's ever seen. And it's been like that ever since we were teenagers. I hope you find someone like that, my dear. This young man isn't it.

TigerLilyTail · 05/03/2022 13:56

A nice lunch out doesn't need to be that expensive.

How are finances between you usually? Do you always visit him? Do you pay for your own travel? Does he always pay for groceries? I just wonder what the balance is like.

I wouldn't like to be in a relationship with someone who wastes a lot of money or is in debt but it's also crap being in a relationship with someone who is tight with money. It's a red flag that he will say yes to his mates, but no to you.

balzamico · 05/03/2022 13:56

This sounds poor, I'd make it clear that I was looking forward to it and had planned and packed accordingly.

Has he made a special effort or planned a lovely lunch/day at home to make up for it?
That wouldn't have to cost a lot but would show he's thinking of you and has your feelings in mind, if not (& somehow I suspect not) then it sounds like you're convenient and low cost for the weekends he's not doing more exciting and expensive stuff with his mates and I'd bin him.

pinkyredrose · 05/03/2022 13:57

How is he "being nice' about it?

Phobiaphobic · 05/03/2022 13:57

Absolute dick move, OP. He's shown you what his priorities are. Show him yours by hightailing it out of there.

Westfacing · 05/03/2022 13:58

@fairylightsandwaxmelts

OP - why is the expectation that he pays? Can't you split the bill 50/50 or offer to pay yourself if you want to go out so badly?

If someone said "we can go for lunch" I wouldn't necessarily assume they were paying.

The OP says

'He said he can’t afford to take us out today anymore'

So the expectation was that he would pay and she's entitled to feel a bit disappointed, IMO.

Phobiaphobic · 05/03/2022 14:00

Not everyone has credit cards or wants to use them for things like lunches. Why run up debt if you don't need to? I would argue it's selfish to expect someone to spend money they don't have on you.

Yes, OP, how dare you think that you're worthy of being treated after a rough few weeks, even when this was promised. Don't you know that women are here to be human doormats and exist only to help and validate others?

Lockheart · 05/03/2022 14:01

@Phobiaphobic

Not everyone has credit cards or wants to use them for things like lunches. Why run up debt if you don't need to? I would argue it's selfish to expect someone to spend money they don't have on you.

Yes, OP, how dare you think that you're worthy of being treated after a rough few weeks, even when this was promised. Don't you know that women are here to be human doormats and exist only to help and validate others?

If someone doesn't have the money for a treat then they don't have the money for a treat. It's nothing to do with being a doormat.

I would be mortified if someone felt they had to get into debt to pay for me.

WhereYouLeftIt · 05/03/2022 14:02

"He said he can’t afford to take us out today anymore and I do feel like a lot of the time we spend staying in and cooking and saving money."
Having the offer of a nice lunch out taken away from you is worse than if it had never been offered at all, isn't it? And it's happened after "a really rough few weeks", which all adds to the feeling of being let downSad.

And you know that he has all these nice things planned, just not with youSadSad. With you, "a lot of the time we spend staying in and cooking and saving money" but with others you "know that if his friends asked him to get a takeaway etc he would".

Yes, you are at the bottom of his priorities. The question is - what are you going to do about that? I would not be happy about being an afterthought to his life. It sounds as if this on not a one-off, but how he normally behaves in your relationship.

I'd just go home.

AddictedToOlives · 05/03/2022 14:04

You are not being unreasonable to feel disappointed, or like you are being treated second-best.
But I don’t think it is serious enough to end relationship for.
I think you are being very understanding about his lack of spare money but please do let him know how you feel and give him a chance to make it up to you. Do not allow this treating you as a lower priority to become a pattern…

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 05/03/2022 14:05

The OP says: 'He said he can’t afford to take us out today anymore'

So the expectation was that he would pay and she's entitled to feel a bit disappointed, IMO.

Okay, but for me, the company of my boyfriend and chance to go out for a meal would be more important than who paid.

If my partner said they were struggling I'd either offer to pay myself or pick another activity that didn't cost as much. It's really not something worth getting upset over Confused

Midlifemusings · 05/03/2022 14:05

How often do you take him out and pay for him. Just go out today and you pay. Or are you in this for what you can have bought for you?

Shoxfordian · 05/03/2022 14:05

He sounds like a loser
Does he usually make more effort?

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 05/03/2022 14:06

@Phobiaphobic

Not everyone has credit cards or wants to use them for things like lunches. Why run up debt if you don't need to? I would argue it's selfish to expect someone to spend money they don't have on you.

Yes, OP, how dare you think that you're worthy of being treated after a rough few weeks, even when this was promised. Don't you know that women are here to be human doormats and exist only to help and validate others?

You can have a treat without spending money, though.

Some of my best dates with DH cost the price of a '99 or a Tesco meal deal Grin

Fifthtimelucky · 05/03/2022 14:06

I think as a one-off I'd let it go. He has obviously had the other activities planned for a while.

I'm also wondering whether the OP and her partner had different views on what a ´nice lunch' was. If she has taken 'nice clothes' specially for the occasion he might have been a worried that her expectations were higher than he had anticipated.