DP not affording date day

[toptrumpsyes]

On the whole my DP is lovely but I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or not.

I’ve had a really rough few weeks and today DP said we can go for a nice lunch. I packed nice clothes for this when visiting him this weekend (we don’t live together). Next weekend he is going out for a meal and go karting with his friends and he has just bought a festival ticket too.

In fairness he doesn’t go out loads and he has had these planned a while. But also I know that if his friends asked him to get a takeaway etc he would.
He said he can’t afford to take us out today anymore and I do feel like a lot of the time we spend staying in and cooking and saving money. He’s been nice about it but I can’t help but feel like second best?

@Phobiaphobic

Just astonishing responses on here really. Man spends a shit ton of money on himself, then offers to take his partner out for a meal cos she's having a rotten time, only to suddenly rescind the offer because he's decided he can't afford it. And somehow she's the unreasonable one for being upset.

I don't read it like that at all.

I read it like he suggested they go out for a meal together, not that he was going to pay for them to go out, but OP thought she was going to be taken out somewhere nice (so brought nice clothes for the occasion).

Then the DP realised he couldn't afford what she had planned and backed out - maybe he was embarrassed he couldn't live up to her expectations or maybe he thought it was more sensible to cook and stay in than spend money he couldn't really afford.

Again the bar is set so low.

Just because you want to be a priority doesn’t mean you don’t want him to have friends and other things in his life.

This black and white thinking is used to get us to accept really messed up stuff. We need to be smarter and not play into it.

I would bin him.

What’s the point?

You don’t seem him that much and he still prioritises his mates over you.

Unless you’re getting much out of this relationship I would walk away. But then I want to be prioritised and treated well in a relationship.

I would go home, why bother having to cook for someone else you can stay home and cokk for yourself.

It’s down to you. Do you want to continue with someone who doesn’t see you as his main priority.

@JustKittenAround

Again the bar is set so low.

Just because you want to be a priority doesn’t mean you don’t want him to have friends and other things in his life.

This black and white thinking is used to get us to accept really messed up stuff. We need to be smarter and not play into it.

In what way (from the limited information provided so far) does the OP's information say that she is not a priority?

@fairylightsandwaxmelts

So then why let her make all the effort of coming up to see him?

So they can spend time together?

Imagine if a woman posted "My DP was going to come over this weekend and the plan was to go out for lunch. However, I've just looked at my bank account and I can't really justify the expense when I have food in the cupboards. DP has now said he's really disappointed and he'll just stay home and not bother coming to see me even though we could have a lovely meal and a bottle of wine at home instead".

The "DP" would get absolutely shredded for being a money grabber and a cocklodger.

@fairylightsandwaxmelts

Exactly what I thought.

Imagine having a bitch for cos your fella can’t afford to pay for your food and go home and then break up with him.

I dunno which palace some of you were travelling from and which gown was brought but some of these absolute Princess responses, back in the real world where woman can actually purchase their own food, is where I live.

No that’s not lowering standards that’s having some understanding that shit happens, yes she’s had a crap few weeks but bloody hell she said he’s a good guy usually and doesn’t make a habit of it.

Since when do women need a man to give them
a treat? And that’s the only thing to feel cheered up?

She’s come to spend time with him so doesn’t matter if they go out or not surely.

Well it’s implicit but I was actually joining the convo of others who were discussing priorities…

I agree, Im finding some of the responses on here (and other threads to be fair) about 'prioritising' and leaving a partner/husband for fairly small mistakes or flaws or habits or whatever fairly toxic and sinister.

Also the idea that you wouldnt go over for the weekend if you werent being taken out or going out, what sort of relationship would it be if you only met up when actually 'going out' or doing some outside activity.

I really hope that the OP is going to come back after they have stood at the stove together, lovingly cooking spag bol or sausage and mash.

I always worry a little when someone starts a thread and disappears.

@JinglingHellsBells

I really hope that the OP is going to come back after they have stood at the stove together, lovingly cooking spag bol or sausage and mash.

I always worry a little when someone starts a thread and disappears.

There's absolutely no reason to be worried about her based on her posts here.

Yes it is lowering your standards AND it’s justifying doing it.

You are entitled to have your own standards but it telling that you shame others for having higher standards.

I can buy all my own everything but I realize my value. It is not black and white. A woman can afford anything and still expect that promised lunch. Men value what they put effort into. This is a fact. Women who allow their expectations to be managed down actually facilitate their own devaluation. Men don’t suddenly wake up and treat you nicely when they KNOW you don’t love yourself enough to not accept low effort.

So I shall enjoy my paid for meals even though I very much can afford them, and my high effort perks. I don’t live in a castle but I also don’t live in some living normalized nightmare cleaning, cooking, and putting up with a low effort man who can’t even get it together enough to take me for a promised lunch after I have had a rough few weeks.

Alright I gotta go get my gown on and run some errands.

PS having high standards and valuing yourself does not mean you look down on others. What it means is you know your worth, keep your boundaries, and love yourself. You also suffer from black and thinking. Someone having standards does not hurt you unless you aren’t the one meeting them.

@JinglingHellsBells

I really hope that the OP is going to come back after they have stood at the stove together, lovingly cooking spag bol or sausage and mash.

I always worry a little when someone starts a thread and disappears.

It was only a few hours ago? I hope shes not glued to a phone or laptop and busy.

If Op is feeling 2nd best then that's not good is it?

Maybe if he has planned something else nice to do that would help?

Or at least cooked/organised lunch?

Been thoughtful about the whole thing.

@diddl

If Op is feeling 2nd best then that's not good is it?

Maybe if he has planned something else nice to do that would help?

Or at least cooked/organised lunch?

Been thoughtful about the whole thing.

Well thats right. We also dont really know when he proposed the lunch, how, what was planned, who was paying, whether an alternative was discussed, whether a activity (no sniggering) was suggested instead, whether it was just postponed until payday or cancelled indefinitely, lots of variations that make a difference as to whether OP's feelings about being 2nd best are valid or just an extension of her mood following the terrible time she has had recently.

Don't forget about how he'll have them cook at home because he wants to save money but if his friends say about getting a takeaway he will. That's what prioritising is. He prioritises spending money on everyone else before he will the OP. He'll spend on his friends before he will spend on his partner.

@BadNomad

Don't forget about how he'll have them cook at home because he wants to save money but if his friends say about getting a takeaway he will. That's what prioritising is. He prioritises spending money on everyone else before he will the OP. He'll spend on his friends before he will spend on his partner.

I'll be honest, when friends come over, I get a takeaway because I cant be arsed to go to the effort of cooking something nice. However I would want to cook for my partner and see that as more special and personal. I didnt see it as that because he would spend money for the takeaway that is prioritising them over her

@bellac11

I'll be honest, when friends come over, I get a takeaway because I cant be arsed to go to the effort of cooking something nice. However I would want to cook for my partner and see that as more special and personal. I didnt see it as that because he would spend money for the takeaway that is prioritising them over her

Except the OP says the reason they cook at home is because he wants to save money. Nothing to do with it being more intimate and personal. He just doesn't want to spend money on the OP.

[quote BadNomad]@bellac11

I'll be honest, when friends come over, I get a takeaway because I cant be arsed to go to the effort of cooking something nice. However I would want to cook for my partner and see that as more special and personal. I didnt see it as that because he would spend money for the takeaway that is prioritising them over her

Except the OP says the reason they cook at home is because he wants to save money. Nothing to do with it being more intimate and personal. He just doesn't want to spend money on the OP.[/quote]
But it also depends on what you see as special.

To me, getting a takeaway isn't anything special or romantic - it's what I do when I CBA to cook or when there's nothing in and the food shop isn't due until tomorrow.

Whereas cooking a meal requires a bit of planning, making sure you have food in and (to me) show a lot more care and thought than ringing for a pizza.

[quote BadNomad]@bellac11

I'll be honest, when friends come over, I get a takeaway because I cant be arsed to go to the effort of cooking something nice. However I would want to cook for my partner and see that as more special and personal. I didnt see it as that because he would spend money for the takeaway that is prioritising them over her

Except the OP says the reason they cook at home is because he wants to save money. Nothing to do with it being more intimate and personal. He just doesn't want to spend money on the OP.[/quote]
Possibly, it has made me feel a bit bad though thinking about it, too lazy to cook for friends and family basically!!!

@fairylightsandwaxmelts

The OP says: 'He said he can’t afford to take us out today anymore'

So the expectation was that he would pay and she's entitled to feel a bit disappointed, IMO.

Okay, but for me, the company of my boyfriend and chance to go out for a meal would be more important than who paid.

If my partner said they were struggling I'd either offer to pay myself or pick another activity that didn't cost as much. It's really not something worth getting upset over

But he's not really struggling, is he, if he's able to buy a festival ticket, a meal and karting with his friends as well as takeouts if his friends ask. He only struggles if it's anything to do with Op.

Poor Op. You deserve better.

@JustKittenAround

Yes it is lowering your standards AND it’s justifying doing it.

You are entitled to have your own standards but it telling that you shame others for having higher standards.

I can buy all my own everything but I realize my value. It is not black and white. A woman can afford anything and still expect that promised lunch. Men value what they put effort into. This is a fact. Women who allow their expectations to be managed down actually facilitate their own devaluation. Men don’t suddenly wake up and treat you nicely when they KNOW you don’t love yourself enough to not accept low effort.

So I shall enjoy my paid for meals even though I very much can afford them, and my high effort perks. I don’t live in a castle but I also don’t live in some living normalized nightmare cleaning, cooking, and putting up with a low effort man who can’t even get it together enough to take me for a promised lunch after I have had a rough few weeks.

Alright I gotta go get my gown on and run some errands.

PS having high standards and valuing yourself does not mean you look down on others. What it means is you know your worth, keep your boundaries, and love yourself. You also suffer from black and thinking. Someone having standards does not hurt you unless you aren’t the one meeting them.

@JustKittenAround

Interesting that your value is only about free meals though.
You can have high standards and value yourself and not expect having things paid for you.

He’s going out and had it planned a long time she said he’s a good guy.
But you would go home and dump him?
Seems you dont value yourself as much as you think if you would leave a good man cos you shall keep enjoying free food 😂😂

I forgot we are on mumsnet where people give out advice they wouldn’t ever do themselves 😆

@dworky

Well, you're clearly not a priority but I also fail to understand why he calls the shots & pays for everything?

Where did it say he pays for everything?

But he's not really struggling, is he, if he's able to buy a festival ticket, a meal and karting with his friends as well as takeouts if his friends ask. He only struggles if it's anything to do with Op.

Poor Op. You deserve better.

Sometimes @VinylCafe, it looks as if some posters are reading another thread

Is it really that hard to grasp the facts?

She said the karting and jolly with his mates was arranged ages ago. Therefore he'd planned that in his budget.

The meal was mentioned this week (I assume) so it's clear he has had 2nd thoughts about the cost and decides that for the rest of this month he has to rein in his spending. That's sensible.

It is disappointing, sure. But it's not the end of the world.

Yes, he should think harder beforehand about his cash flow. But it's most definitely not a dumping matter.

Hard to believe some posters see it as that.

@JinglingHellsBells

But he's not really struggling, is he, if he's able to buy a festival ticket, a meal and karting with his friends as well as takeouts if his friends ask. He only struggles if it's anything to do with Op.

Poor Op. You deserve better.

Sometimes @VinylCafe, it looks as if some posters are reading another thread

Is it really that hard to grasp the facts?

She said the karting and jolly with his mates was arranged ages ago. Therefore he'd planned that in his budget.

The meal was mentioned this week (I assume) so it's clear he has had 2nd thoughts about the cost and decides that for the rest of this month he has to rein in his spending. That's sensible.

It is disappointing, sure. But it's not the end of the world.

Yes, he should think harder beforehand about his cash flow. But it's most definitely not a dumping matter.

Hard to believe some posters see it as that.

But he's not really struggling, is he, if he's able to buy a festival ticket, a meal and karting with his friends as well as takeouts if his friends ask. He only struggles if it's anything to do with Op.

Poor Op. You deserve better.

Sometimes @VinylCafe, it looks as if some posters are reading another thread

Can't believe the posters on here defending this guy. The bar really is in hell.

Op, you are 100% entitled to be upset that your boyfriend has rescinded on his promise to take you to lunch. Don't listen to anyone who says otherwise.

Can’t you pay?