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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP not affording date day

188 replies

toptrumpsyes · 05/03/2022 12:40

On the whole my DP is lovely but I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or not.

I’ve had a really rough few weeks and today DP said we can go for a nice lunch. I packed nice clothes for this when visiting him this weekend (we don’t live together). Next weekend he is going out for a meal and go karting with his friends and he has just bought a festival ticket too.

In fairness he doesn’t go out loads and he has had these planned a while. But also I know that if his friends asked him to get a takeaway etc he would.
He said he can’t afford to take us out today anymore and I do feel like a lot of the time we spend staying in and cooking and saving money. He’s been nice about it but I can’t help but feel like second best?

OP posts:
Annasgirl · 05/03/2022 14:10

I came back to the thread hoping some people had gone on who could read, but no, still the majority urging the OP to lower her standards🙄. If this is what women tell other women, we don’t even need a mens rights movement.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 05/03/2022 14:18

I didn't read it as requiring him to pay as such. It could be them splitting the bill. But I read it as him saying he now wants to change the plan because he's already over committed his budget and doesn't want to spend more, even if only on his half. Which he is prioritising above his initial offer to try and cheer OP up. If he's still merrily spending money on his activities with friends then I would feel disappointed too.

Re the posts saying why doesn't OP pay - sure but she said she's had a rough few weeks. What if those have included job loss or other financial troubles and she simply can't afford that right now, but was pleased that he offered?

RockinHorseShit · 05/03/2022 14:18

Given the circumstances & spending elsewhere. Actions speak louder than words. Go home, go out with friends & feck him off for this weekend at least

Halllyup17 · 05/03/2022 14:22

Give the guy a break. Nobody on here knows his circumstances and some women on here will do anything to knock a man down. It's pathetic.

BadNomad · 05/03/2022 14:26

It sounds like he treats you more like an option than a priority. It's up to you to decide if that's enough.

AppleNo8 · 05/03/2022 14:27

Surely he could have paid by credit card?

Why spend money you don’t have, especially on going out for dinner?

Hertsgirl10 · 05/03/2022 14:33

Why don’t you pay for the lunch? Does it have to be him that’s pays?

Women can pay for things it’s not law that only men pay for dates.

Obviously he’s gonna be short of money when he’s got so many plans, and you say it’s not all the time.

Been a good few years where people haven’t been able to socialise with their friends.

GreenFingeredNell15 · 05/03/2022 14:34

If this is a one off I'd let it go.

However if he often prioritises other leisure expenses over you then I'd ask him why

If it doesn't change I'd leave him

RobertsRadio · 05/03/2022 14:40
Biscuit
BlueOverYellow · 05/03/2022 14:43

So he can plan and save to do expensive things with his friends, but not you.

And you're still doing the commuting (spending money) to go and see him. I bet you clean up for him, too, when you're there. So much for being treated, eh?

You can do better.

Arabellla · 05/03/2022 14:43

@Elphame

Quite frankly I'd just go home again.

Clearly he has priorities for spending his money and it's unfortunately not on time spent with you.

This ^
amnm · 05/03/2022 14:46

I think YABU.

If he's already paying for karting next weekend and has just bought a festival ticket, tbf, I can understand why he can't afford to take you out for lunch. You said he only offered the lunch today and told you on the same day he couldn't afford it, but the other events were planned for a while. It sounds like he made a nice offer, but then when he thought about it, realised he couldn't afford it this weekend.

Even if he tends to go out with friends but stays in with you more, is that really that unusual? I know when I've been in relationships, that was how we did it as well - you're not exactly going to snuggle up on the couch with your friends but you do with a partner.

If there are other things that are making you feel second best (e.g. is never willing to spend time alone with you, won't introduce you to his friends or cancels longstanding plans with you to be with friends at the last minute), then that's different.

But if not, and sorry to sound blunt, if you're the type of girlfriend who would expect him to cancel longstanding plans with his friends to be able to afford to pay for your lunch, I think he might be better off without you.

gamerchick · 05/03/2022 14:49

So basically you're there to service his sexual needs or you pay to do something because he's prioritised his money elsewhere?

I'd go home, there is plenty of stuff can be done for self care without being disappointed by a bloke.

Nanny0gg · 05/03/2022 14:51

@betwixtlives

Why don’t you pay? He can pay next time
He OFFERED!!
cuddlymunchkin · 05/03/2022 14:52

You feel second best because you ARE second best.

Wake up to this!

Arabellla · 05/03/2022 14:55

@amnm

I think YABU.

If he's already paying for karting next weekend and has just bought a festival ticket, tbf, I can understand why he can't afford to take you out for lunch. You said he only offered the lunch today and told you on the same day he couldn't afford it, but the other events were planned for a while. It sounds like he made a nice offer, but then when he thought about it, realised he couldn't afford it this weekend.

Even if he tends to go out with friends but stays in with you more, is that really that unusual? I know when I've been in relationships, that was how we did it as well - you're not exactly going to snuggle up on the couch with your friends but you do with a partner.

If there are other things that are making you feel second best (e.g. is never willing to spend time alone with you, won't introduce you to his friends or cancels longstanding plans with you to be with friends at the last minute), then that's different.

But if not, and sorry to sound blunt, if you're the type of girlfriend who would expect him to cancel longstanding plans with his friends to be able to afford to pay for your lunch, I think he might be better off without you.

So then why let her make all the effort of coming up to see him?

He’s a twat and OP needs to consider how much time and money she is spending on him.

ForgottenWhyImHere · 05/03/2022 14:55

Hmm, I don't live with my DP. We spend every other weekend together and alternate those weekends between my house and his. He has more disposable income than me and I have been regularly exceeding my income for a while now. That's a situation that will change when DC2 goes to secondary so, for now, it's something I have accepted and I just try to minimise the overspending. I have some savings from my divorce to fall back on, but it is my goal to live on just my salary - (which should be doable when childcare costs reduce).

There are times when I find myself in a situation where I just don't want to say no to something - occasional lunch out with colleagues, birthday meal for close friends, weekend away with friends I only see very rarely - and I feel like the person I can say "sorry, I need a low-cost weekend" to is DP. He spends more on me. I try to even things out by cashing in rewards points to pay for days out or finding free things for us to do that are still nice.

If the OP's DP is in a similar situation, where he has to be really careful with money and this is a tight month, then I would give him a break on this occasion. It's understandable to be disappointed about a treat you've been looking forward to not happening after all, but it doesn't automatically mean he's a bad partner. You have to look at the relationship as a whole for that.

OP, I'm sorry you've had a rough few weeks. I hope your DP is thoughtful and caring enough to cheer you up some other way.

Aubree17 · 05/03/2022 14:55

Do you split bill when you go out or take turns?

It's not his polite way of saying he's fed up paying is it?

MichelleScarn · 05/03/2022 14:56

So if someone posted 'my dp/friend/anyone has cancelled on coming to see me because I won't spend money on them' the answers wouldn't be 'they should be coming to see you for your company, not just to be taken out'?

Nanny0gg · 05/03/2022 14:57

I really don't understand how so many people can reach such different conclusions/opinions from the same information.

I’ve had a really rough few weeks and today DP said we can go for a nice lunch.
Next weekend he is going out for a meal and go karting with his friends and he has just bought a festival ticket too.

Which he must already have known before he made the offer

So why offer when he clearly couldn't afford it? He could have been honest and said that he'd just cook a nice meal for them at home.

It's got nothing to do with whether or not they usually go halves. And in this instance, I don't think the OP should pay. (Bearing in mind, she's gone to his so whatever travel costs there are are down to her)

He can spend his money how he likes, but he doesn't seem to have the OP as any sort of priority there

Looubylou · 05/03/2022 14:57

How is he making it up to you? Why did he not check his finances before offering?

AChocolateOrangeaday · 05/03/2022 14:57

@amnm Very flaky to offer then suddenly realise he couldn't afford it though.

Nanny0gg · 05/03/2022 14:58

@Aubree17

Do you split bill when you go out or take turns?

It's not his polite way of saying he's fed up paying is it?

He OFFERED to take her out!
Nanny0gg · 05/03/2022 15:00

@Halllyup17

Give the guy a break. Nobody on here knows his circumstances and some women on here will do anything to knock a man down. It's pathetic.
He offered to take her out knowing he'd already allocated money for different (other) activities.

He then decided he couldn't afford the lunch. Why is that the OP's fault?

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 05/03/2022 15:00

So then why let her make all the effort of coming up to see him?

So they can spend time together?

Imagine if a woman posted "My DP was going to come over this weekend and the plan was to go out for lunch. However, I've just looked at my bank account and I can't really justify the expense when I have food in the cupboards. DP has now said he's really disappointed and he'll just stay home and not bother coming to see me even though we could have a lovely meal and a bottle of wine at home instead".

The "DP" would get absolutely shredded for being a money grabber and a cocklodger.