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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP not affording date day

188 replies

toptrumpsyes · 05/03/2022 12:40

On the whole my DP is lovely but I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or not.

I’ve had a really rough few weeks and today DP said we can go for a nice lunch. I packed nice clothes for this when visiting him this weekend (we don’t live together). Next weekend he is going out for a meal and go karting with his friends and he has just bought a festival ticket too.

In fairness he doesn’t go out loads and he has had these planned a while. But also I know that if his friends asked him to get a takeaway etc he would.
He said he can’t afford to take us out today anymore and I do feel like a lot of the time we spend staying in and cooking and saving money. He’s been nice about it but I can’t help but feel like second best?

OP posts:
fairylightsandwaxmelts · 05/03/2022 15:02

He offered to take her out knowing he'd already allocated money for different (other) activities.

Or maybe he just realised he'd overspent? Haven't we all had moments when we've thought "oh shit, better rein in the spending until payday"?

Hardly worth getting upset or ending a relationship over.

Mummadeze · 05/03/2022 15:05

Personally I would pay and make a mental note to make sure he isn’t taking advantage and doing this too often. I am quite rich at certain times of the month and totally skint at others so I sympathise when it comes to bad money management.

girlmom21 · 05/03/2022 15:09

I'd ask what's changed as you were looking forward to him treating you as he had suggested.

Ignore everyone asking why you don't pay. He shouldn't have offered if he couldn't afford it.

You could have gone to a nice cafe and had lunch and a slice of cake for less than £20.

Loopytiles · 05/03/2022 15:11

‘Can’t afford it’ when people are spending money on other things means ‘don’t want to use my money for it’.

Do you usually go 50/50 or otherwise work out roughly even?

dworky · 05/03/2022 15:15

Well, you're clearly not a priority but I also fail to understand why he calls the shots & pays for everything?

MrsBerthaRochester · 05/03/2022 15:16

This reply has been deleted

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girlmom21 · 05/03/2022 15:16

@dworky

Well, you're clearly not a priority but I also fail to understand why he calls the shots & pays for everything?
Who said he pays for everything?
BOOTS52 · 05/03/2022 15:19

All I would say is do not get into the habit of just sitting in while he makes the effort to make plans with his friends. You can dress up and go for a walk and a nice coffee or a cheap lunch and go halves on it. Just let him visit you the next time and you not running to visit him all the time as he has to put in the effort also for you. This could be what your life could be like in the future that he spends money on himself and for his friends activities but not on you as a couple. Is he usually tight with money as such a turn off. Make sure you get out and not just stuck in for the weekend. Nice walks, coffee, make sure he makes an effort next time does not have to be expensive but it is the effort.

Loopytiles · 05/03/2022 15:23

OP hasn’t said how much they each pay for stuff.

If he pays for a lot more than OP, OP is U, unless perhaps there’s a large disparity in their financial circumstances.

KatherineJaneway · 05/03/2022 15:27

@Beachbreak2411

Why can’t you pay? Or lower your expectations and make a picnic and go for a walk?
A picnic in this weather? No thanks. I don't do 'walks'.
WouldIwasShookspeared · 05/03/2022 15:30

Do you take it in turns to pay?
Assuming you do pay equally, you could always say this time it's my treat and you can take me out the next couple of times. If he always pays then again, you could say this is your treat.

latetothefisting · 05/03/2022 15:31

Yeah he's a dick. If you live far enough apart to not see each other that frequently, then presumably YOU have already spent the equivalent to at least a nice pub lunch on train tickets/petrol and wear and tear, to come and visit him. So he'd been upfront you could have saved that money and treated yourself rather than make the effort to visit him and just sit in his house all weekend again.

Surely something big like a festival ticket he would have paid by credit card anyway for the protection, so it won't even come out for at least a month, by which time he will have been paid again?

ZenNudist · 05/03/2022 15:39

Do you pay equally?

TigerLilyTail · 05/03/2022 15:43

@fairylightsandwaxmelts

So then why let her make all the effort of coming up to see him?

So they can spend time together?

Imagine if a woman posted "My DP was going to come over this weekend and the plan was to go out for lunch. However, I've just looked at my bank account and I can't really justify the expense when I have food in the cupboards. DP has now said he's really disappointed and he'll just stay home and not bother coming to see me even though we could have a lovely meal and a bottle of wine at home instead".

The "DP" would get absolutely shredded for being a money grabber and a cocklodger.

But, from what the OP said it's not just a one off. He always wants to stay home with her and cook to save money. She also said that she felt that if one of his mates suggested a take out, he'd say yes.
MRex · 05/03/2022 15:51

Why don't you just pay for lunch?

If the issue is that he never spends money with you as he saves it for going out with friends then that suggests he's being an arse about priorities, but if it's just that he doesn't have much cash generally then you should pay more often or break up if you really can't bear his income level.

diddl · 05/03/2022 15:55

I think it's part of a pattern that makes Op feel bottom of the pile that's the problem.

Sounds as if he's happy to be out & about with others but not her.

Emergency bills can come up but you'd just say so wouldn't you?

Beachbreak2411 · 05/03/2022 15:59

Why can’t you pay since it’s you that wants it?

Howshouldibehave · 05/03/2022 16:06

I understand that OP feels let down-I get that.

Can you answer who normally pays for what though, @toptrumpsyes? It might help give a bit of context here.

SarahBellam · 05/03/2022 16:08

“You can have a treat without spending money, though.

Some of my best dates with DH cost the price of a '99 or a Tesco meal deal”

That is literally spending money 🙄

Nsky · 05/03/2022 16:11

It he had other plans, he had money, check before you offer, to anyone, seems more tight blokes on here tho.
He is reasonable, ignore for a while

UKRAINEwearewithyou · 05/03/2022 16:15

You don't sound much of a 'partnership'. It feels like he does his things and then you do cheap things together and probably have sex but the more expensive and fun things with his friends. Who does the cooking, the clearing up and the buying of the food.

JinglingHellsBells · 05/03/2022 16:18

I think we need more info @toptrumpsyes
For example, how old are you both?
Are you 'saving up' for a place together - ie buying?

To give him his due, his karting and meal with friends has been arranged for some time. So maybe he's just realised that his budget doesn't stretch to a lunch as well. It's hard to know if he's being sensible and not wanting to get into debt, or being inconsiderate.

On the other hand, a lunch doesn't have to be that expensive.

I don't feel you ought to pay, as it seems as if he suggested it as 'his treat' (for the rough time you have had- or are you putting 2 and 2 together and assuming that?)

As a one-off incident it seems quite minor, although disappointing.

I don't think we know enough about him and your relationship to make a call on this.

user1471538283 · 05/03/2022 16:19

I would go home. The point is he said a nice lunch as a treat and the OP was looking forward to it. Whether he paid or they shared the cost it's not happening.

It's about priorities. I hate people who say things and it never happens.

bellac11 · 05/03/2022 16:21

@Skiptheheartsandflowers

I didn't read it as requiring him to pay as such. It could be them splitting the bill. But I read it as him saying he now wants to change the plan because he's already over committed his budget and doesn't want to spend more, even if only on his half. Which he is prioritising above his initial offer to try and cheer OP up. If he's still merrily spending money on his activities with friends then I would feel disappointed too.

Re the posts saying why doesn't OP pay - sure but she said she's had a rough few weeks. What if those have included job loss or other financial troubles and she simply can't afford that right now, but was pleased that he offered?

I read it that his other financial committments were made a while back and were either already paid for or already accounted for. Perhaps he made the offer today in a bit of a rash way, thinking he would treat his girlfriend as she has had it rough but then thought about it more and realised he couldnt afford it

I cant believe some of the comments on here, theres nothing to suggest at all that she is bottom of his list or not prioritised.

EveningOverRooftops · 05/03/2022 16:23

@user1471538283

I would go home. The point is he said a nice lunch as a treat and the OP was looking forward to it. Whether he paid or they shared the cost it's not happening.

It's about priorities. I hate people who say things and it never happens.

This!

If OP doesn’t voice her disappointment. It sets a precedent that she can be let down if something better comes along.

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