Page 5 | DP not affording date day

toptrumpsyes · 2022-03-05T12:40:09+00:00

On the whole my DP is lovely but I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or not. I’ve had a really rough few weeks and today DP said we can go for a nice lunch. I packed nice clothes for this when visiting him this weekend (we don’t live together). Next weekend he is going out for a meal and go karting with his friends and he has just bought a festival ticket too. In fairness he doesn’t go out loads and he has had these planned a while. But also I know that if his friends asked him to get a takeaway etc he would. He said he can’t afford to take us out today anymore and I do feel like a lot of the time we spend staying in and cooking and saving money. He’s been nice about it but I can’t help but feel like second best?

PinkButtercups · 05/03/2022 16:25

@Helenluvsrob

Rubbish. If he can’t afford a meal our why not a picnic or a little cafe ? Husband and I often take the dog for a walk and brunch outside which is a £3 bacon sarnie ….. not posh or glamorous but cosy and nice

Where do you live? Lol.

Even if we were to stop our locals are about £15 just for smashed avocado on toast and a cup of tea!

Whatsonmymindgrapes · 05/03/2022 16:26

Yeah that would upset me

Polyputthekettleon · 05/03/2022 16:27

Unless this is part of a pattern, I would just make the most of the time and enjoy a nice meal at home or go halves at a reasonably priced restaurant if possible. Or pay for it yourself and he can pay next time. There's no point in sulking about it and throwing all your toys out of the pram really.

JinglingHellsBells · 05/03/2022 16:29

@user1471538283

I would go home. The point is he said a nice lunch as a treat and the OP was looking forward to it. Whether he paid or they shared the cost it's not happening.

It's about priorities. I hate people who say things and it never happens.

I can't believe the childish replies here as if they are from 14 years olds.

Go home in a strop?
Yep, really mature behaviour and just the way to maintain and build a relationship.

It's nothing to do with priorities.
Read the post. The other events were arranged a long time ago and budgeted for.

To redeem himself, OP, I think he could have promised to take you to lunch later on when he is more solvent. OR he could have bought a small gift to compensate for the disappointment- flowers or chocs for £5.

JinglingHellsBells · 05/03/2022 16:30

@toptrumpsyes You call him your 'partner' but is he really?

A partner implies a long term set-up where you share finances. And are planning a future.

How long have you dated and are you saving up and planning to live together?

Why is he your 'partner' yet you live apart?

Notwithittoday · 05/03/2022 16:33

Even if we were to stop our locals are about £15 just for smashed avocado on toast and a cup of tea!

That's because you're going to places that offer smashed avocado on toast as a standard menu item

JellybabyGina87 · 05/03/2022 16:37

Surely if you live together, you share finances and budget together? If you don't live together and share finances he's not your partner. He's your boyfriend. In that case, I would be annoyed. If it's the first one, it's also on you.

starfishmummy · 05/03/2022 16:38

I realise it was supposed to be him treating the OP, but she could offer to go halves or pay for them both. Unless there's a massive drip feed that she always ends up paying for him that is.

girlmom21 · 05/03/2022 16:40

@JellybabyGina87

Surely if you live together, you share finances and budget together? If you don't live together and share finances he's not your partner. He's your boyfriend. In that case, I would be annoyed. If it's the first one, it's also on you.

The OP is 3 small paragraphs long. It's not hard to read all the information provided

JinglingHellsBells · 05/03/2022 16:41

@JellybabyGina87

Surely if you live together, you share finances and budget together? If you don't live together and share finances he's not your partner. He's your boyfriend. In that case, I would be annoyed. If it's the first one, it's also on you.

I packed nice clothes for this when visiting him this weekend (we don’t live together)

@JellybabyGina87

JinglingHellsBells · 05/03/2022 16:42

Is the OP coming back?

Maybe he's suggested dinner, after all :)

JellybabyGina87 · 05/03/2022 16:42

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PinkSyCo · 05/03/2022 16:51

How is it that he is now telling you that he can’t afford to take you out anymore when he only offered to earlier today? Did you ask him? How far do you need to travel to be with this man and how long have you been with him?

JustKittenAround · 05/03/2022 16:53

The paying for things and this 50/50 stuff is fascinating to me.

She has spent money on the nice clothes, paid her way to see him, had a rough week, and was invited to a lunch. She was excited.

This man doesn’t even try to take her anywhere at all. Women should not do “walks” or “hastily throw together picnics” in place of a promised time out. Moreover, they shouldn’t be the ones who have to think of a way for HIM to salvage this weekend.

OP he is all low effort behavior and you deserve better than that. You are not a priority and it worth dumping him over it. Women need to stop accepting low effort behavior because it just teaches men that it is OK. It is not. You don’t need him.

You 50/50 women might want to think about the BIG picture. There is a reason men have really embraced this, that’s because it benefits them. They get far more out of the deal but women just don’t value themselves to see it.

Anyway accepting low effort behavior sets you up to continue to continue to receive it. Men like this don’t suddenly change and make you a priority. They only put in any effort when they have lost you and by then it was too late.

If he wanted to he would.

JinglingHellsBells · 05/03/2022 16:59

@PinkSyCo

How is it that he is now telling you that he can’t afford to take you out anymore when he only offered to earlier today? Did you ask him? How far do you need to travel to be with this man and how long have you been with him?

I'm a bit confused too on the timeline here. I think the OP has just written the post, badly.

I’ve had a really rough few weeks and today DP said we can go for a nice lunch

OP did you mean, [last week] he said we can go for a nice lunch, today.

Which is very different from 'today he said we can go for a nice lunch'.

Because if he did only suggest it today you'd not have packed your best outfit in advance of seeing him.

GatoradeMeBitch · 05/03/2022 17:00

Telling a woman why doesn't she pay for their dates while he spends all his money on his friends - that would set a horrible precedent. One that in a while would have the same people wondering why she lets him treat her this way...

Are you the one who has made a thing of saving money? Because it doesn't seem like it's something that concerns him once you go home. Maybe suggest that you meet up less, then have a nicer time when you do meet up. Make plans before you go.

BOOTS52 · 05/03/2022 17:02

why so many having an issue with her calling him her partner, when you are older saying boyfriend sounds like you are a teenager. This is not what she asked about, lighten up for god's sake.

Phobiaphobic · 05/03/2022 17:03

Just astonishing responses on here really. Man spends a shit ton of money on himself, then offers to take his partner out for a meal cos she's having a rotten time, only to suddenly rescind the offer because he's decided he can't afford it. And somehow she's the unreasonable one for being upset.

OMG12 · 05/03/2022 17:05

Well he potentially had to buy the ticket now or risk it selling out. The Karting, was this arranged (with poss a deposit) before he asked you? Will he cook you a nice meal? How often do you take him out (and pay). If you’re not living together you indeed might not always be prioritised over friends, and tbh I don’t blame him, partners come and go more often than friends esp if you’re youngish,

MadKittenWoman · 05/03/2022 17:09

He prioritises his friends. You don’t live together, so he’s your boyfriend, not your partner. So, you just travel to his house and have sex. How old are you both, and how long have you been seeing each other? I’d bin him.

JinglingHellsBells · 05/03/2022 17:11

@Phobiaphobic

Just astonishing responses on here really. Man spends a shit ton of money on himself, then offers to take his partner out for a meal cos she's having a rotten time, only to suddenly rescind the offer because he's decided he can't afford it. And somehow she's the unreasonable one for being upset.

Rather a dramatic repsonse.

You have no idea if he was spending shit loads of money.
Those plans- (read the post) were arranged some time ago.

He may be being very sensible by not wanting to get into debt.

If anything, it shows he is not great at budgeting (in advance) and the lunch sounds like an impulsive idea he couldn't carry out.

I don't know how much he earns or his outgoings, but I do think a pub lunch of around £25 for 2 ( one course and a soft drink) would be possible, but maybe the OP was expecting something closer to £50.

Not enough info here and am rather sceptical the OP has posted once, no other posts, and not come back.

PinkSyCo · 05/03/2022 17:12

If you’re not living together you indeed might not always be prioritised over friends,

OPs not asking to be prioritised though over her bf’s friends though, she just wants to be taken out for lunch as promised.

BoodleBug51 · 05/03/2022 17:17

No wonder some men behave so badly when there are women lining up behind them to defend their actions

I've always set my bar much higher, and taught my DD's to do the same.