Aibu to ask her to rehome the cat?

[Redheadedgrumpysaurus]

Name change for this one:

Can I please have advice/uggestions from mums who deal with step mums and vice versa:

My ex left me for another woman about 2.5 years ago. There is no evidence he cheated, but the lines feel very blurry. She wasn’t the sole blame. Ex and I weren’t a good fit anyway. He was actually not very kind/compromising and I actually feel quite bitter towards him about his behaviour towards me during the relationship and
Also for how difficult he has been to co-parent with (eg not sticking to agreed timescales / no shows..). He generally doesn’t like me and so has never been very considerate of me. Which has been quite a hard pill to swallow as OW seems to have had a very opposite experience.

Adding insult to injury, I moved to this country for my ex and am Incredibly isolated , no family. I’ve had legal advice and I am unlikely to get a ruling in my favour if tried to battle it out to move home to my country with kids. (Which is very obviously the only thing I want to do)

Anyway There is a quite a back story here but 6 months ago, Ow bought a house for ex to live in.. I always had a feeling that there was more to the story or some end game as it seemed a very generous offer. But ex was adamant he was just renting from her with no intentions of anything else. She has never met our children. And ex has so far respected my wishes to allow me to meet her first before she meets our children.
Though my second request which was to introduce the kids slowly over time. Eg let them build a friendship so any transition or change in the family dynamic was comfortable for the kids (and I guess for her too).

Anyway low and behold, her lease is now due to expire and so the natural progression is that she moves in with the ex. This is to take place in about two months. And so OW and ex are now pushing for me to meet her so that she can push forward with moving in and meeting kids. And so I have agreed to meet her for coffee in two weeks time.

breathe

Here is where I’m stuck.

On one hand - I’m really struggling with this. My ex has not been discreet with making any comparison between her and I. Which on top of many big hurts during our relationship, makes me feel pretty inferior, insignificant. My feelings are really hurt. And I can’t help but draw comparisons too … which make me feel bitter, jealous and insecure.

Further to that…. I’m not happy. I feel they always intended for this and that the truth has been drip fed. Which bothers me a lot. Ex only really has the kids
Every other weekend, and then most Monday nights, and every other Thursday night. But ow works down south so I presume she won’t travel back and forth during the week as we’re a 4 hour round trip away. So
I guess she will meet the kids just 4 times before moving in. Anyway if this was always the plan - I just don’t understand why they didn’t try to arrange for this sooner so that the kids had more time to adjust. Two months just doesn’t feel soon enough.
And as much as I hate to admit it, I am feeling really insecure about her developing a relationship
With my kids. Which I guess is natural.

But then on the other hand I know he has made a choice; it sounds like it’s for the long haul and so the best thing I can do for the kids is accept it, and play my part to make things easy for them.

So. Bloody hell.

How do I proceed with this?

What sorts of things do say / ask when we meet?

How involved should she be with my children?

Is it possible to build a good co-parenting relationship with the ow?

And How do I separate the anger and disappointment I feel towards him for things he did from any negative feelings I have about ow? (I know she isn’t too blame)

Aibu to ask her to not move in so quickly to give my kids more time to know her? (After all , she has worked with Ex for 5 years and they have dated for 2.5 years… if he and her didn’t move in together after just four dates.. why should my kids be put in that position?)

Also another random question..

DD is alergic to cats . Brings out terrible eczema; hayfever, asthma and generally makes her feel uncomfortable. Snotty nose, red bleary itchy eyes, raspy breathing and itchy throat. Ow has cats. Would it be unreasonable to ask that the cat be rehomed before she moves in with my ex? Or is this really over the top?

Any suggestions : advice welcome.

OP is right to say her DD cannot stay at the house if the cat is there.

No. It’s not up to the OP. She is not allowed to say her DD cannot stay at the house if the cat is there. She doesn’t own the children. It’s up to their dad to say yes or no. The OP can speak about her concerns to their dad. The children could speak about any concerns, if they have them, to their dad. Keep the new partner out of it.

What happens when DD has a best friend with a cat and ways to visit or stay over? Just get her on some antihistamines that will allow her to live a normal allergy free life! You are allowing this cat issue to become something you can use to control a situation you are loosing control of.
Your ex has a new partner.
They have been together 2.5 years. You do have any right to meet her or control their life together as a separate family that does not include you.
Yes it's shit but you need to get over it. Or your bitterness will ruin your life and your children's.

YABU. You need to take a massive step back, you are being unrealistic and massively controlling. I very much doubt that meeting the OW will be a positive thing for your parenting relationship going forward.

Your ex has moved on, you need to as well.

The cat thing seems like a bit of a red herring and this seems to more about you attempting to exert control. Millions of people take daily antihistamines, it's really not a big deal. You are not going to get rid of the cat and asking for that will make you look utterly batshit.

All you can do is remind your ex of the allergy and leave it to him to deal with. How he parents in his time is up to him.

And she is not the OW.

She is your ex's partner of 2.5 years.

My DM calls my step mum the same...OW. She's now been married to my dad for longer than my DM and dad were. My DM bitterness still pops up regularly and it is something she should have made efforts to get over years ago as it has affected her life ever since.

@Woollystockings

OP is right to say her DD cannot stay at the house if the cat is there.

No. It’s not up to the OP. She is not allowed to say her DD cannot stay at the house if the cat is there. She doesn’t own the children. It’s up to their dad to say yes or no. The OP can speak about her concerns to their dad. The children could speak about any concerns, if they have them, to their dad. Keep the new partner out of it.

Then it could be up to the OP's solicitor or even a social worker. It isn't just up to their dad where their health and safety is concerned. That's ridiculous. Father's can't knowingly put their children in danger - the law takes a very stern view on that.

Dd uses a preventer twice daily… and the eczema is always present. We treat this with emolients and moisturisers. And when it’s its worst, we use steroids.

I would argue she does clearly suffer on the daily. And that’s without actually living with a cat.

When you talk to your DC about their Dad’s partner what do you call her ? You keep insisting on referring to her as the OW ( she is his DP/girlfriend) and I am wondering if you are using a disparaging term to your DC which will influence their reaction.

@AndAsIfByMagic

Obviously, if there was neglect or abuse, that would be a court matter - as I’ve Said several times before. But there isn’t any - as the DC haven’t yet met the new partner or the cat. See how it progresses from then. Obviously too, if the OP refuses to get the necessary commonly used medication for her allergic child, that could be seen as equally abusive and neglectful. The whole cat scenario is a huge red herring - it’s only a minor afterthought in the OP’s post.

I just want to two things. 1. DD to not suffer 2. Both kids to feel happy with the pace in which she enters their lives.

So why all the other stuff in your OP the main post wasn't even really about the cat. It was about you feeling inferior and insignificant. Really hurt. Drawing comparisons. Bitter. Jealous.

And insecure about new partner forming a relationship with your children.

I really don't understand why you're still latching onto the cat thing when you've already admitted the actual reasons for your actions in the OP

[quote Woollystockings]@AndAsIfByMagic

Obviously, if there was neglect or abuse, that would be a court matter - as I’ve Said several times before. But there isn’t any - as the DC haven’t yet met the new partner or the cat. See how it progresses from then. Obviously too, if the OP refuses to get the necessary commonly used medication for her allergic child, that could be seen as equally abusive and neglectful. The whole cat scenario is a huge red herring - it’s only a minor afterthought in the OP’s post.[/quote]
Exactly this. I started reading the OP and then had to scroll up to check if clicked on the correct thread as there was nothing about a cat until much later on.

@Redheadedgrumpysaurus you are in very hard situation.
You, EX and she agreed to meeting, great.
Introducing the SM to kids is your husband's job. If it makes sense for all three of you, to support it with some shorter meetings, great. Even two meetings, if can be arranged, can help a lot. I know you'd prefer having a plan, but let them try.
It actually seems you are in quite good trajectory for those two questions.

About the cats, that is the hardest issue. I see your point. In the same time, I'm not happy with my mum keeping me away from antihistamines when I was in my teens, as it would be better to have them occasionally, than being expected to keep myself away of potential contacts, no matter what I would want.
With the level of distrust in your ex, I'd use the opportunity to make sure she is actually aware of the allergy. Mention it as a fact, including hospitalisation 2 years ago, and say that emergency medicine is prepared and you would feel better when another adult knows about it.
Don't mention her possibly moving in with a cat, if she opens it, question your EX's plan (he hasn't told you about moving in with cats, you wonder how he plans it, you don't think it would be as easy as keeping her room cat free, and are a concerned). Don't mention antihistamines first, if asked, say truth - you are not sure they should be given to the child regularly.
If she doesn't mention moving in with a cat either, let it be for the first discussion, maybe she would want to check with your EX first.

And as for antihistamines … I’ve never said I don’t use them. Just that they are not the answer when I know first hand, they can be ineffective. And further to that, taking them daily to be some what still mildly uncomfortable isn’t the best solution. When a simple ‘hey, here is this issue and my concerns surrounding it… before you move in with the cat, can we discuss whether there is any option to not bring the cat?’ Hopefully she will see the concern, and take me more seriously then posters here have. And obviously if Ow insists on bringing the cat, then I’m aware that i have no further say. And that my only option would be to
Legally find a way to make sure the kids comfort and health comes first.

And for god sake. It’s one bloody meeting. That ex and her are in support of. In which it’s good to probably run through issues.

What would happen I wonder, if kids are there and ex gets called out to work In the middle of the night. And DD has an attack. Ex hasn’t taken the allergies seriously so might not have Though to mention it… and ow doesn’t know what to do? Let alone what has probably caused it? What then?

Ow isn’t a mum, doesn’t have kids, doesn’t even know my kids…. Surely she at least needs a heads up?

The way people refer to me… it’s like you all think I’m a raging, controlling she-devil out for blood. Which is really not the case.

OP my children didn't see their dad all of last year. By the time contact resumed he had new girlfriend who had moved into his flat. My kids are both under 10. One of them is autistic. So the first time they went to stay with their dad in a year there was a new girlfriend living there who they'd never met before. I was told about her the day before they went to stay. What did I do?

Nothing. I did nothing because I know it's nothing to do with me. As it turns out my kids were fine, they like the new girlfriend, she's apparently fun and plays games with them when they ask. I still haven't met her, I've asked to at some point but it'll happen when it happens, the kids seem to like her so that's fine.

The previous girlfriend was the one he'd left me for. I was pregnant when he left and it was very hard to have my kids introduced to her. I was very worried about being replaced as a mother. She was introduced after they'd been together for six months. I did ask to meet her but just briefly to put a name to a face. I met her as I dropped off the kids and that was enough for me because once again what my ex did with our children on his time was nothing to do with me. Now, this woman may well be morally dubious, starting a relationship with a man who had a pregnant wife but my exh is slippery, can talk the talk and whatever, relationships over and the main concern is the kid's wellbeing.

The best way I have found of protecting my children's well-being is to ensure that whatever I may think of my ex's parenting, however crap or useless I may think some of his decisions are or have been, I make sure that I am a rock solid and safe presence for them to come home to. I am my DC's constant presence, their security and their positive influence. I know that they feel safe and secure with me. And that makes me feel ok if ever I wonder if the (relatively) small time they spend with their dad might not be brilliant. To be honest, most of the time I think they're fine at their dads, but just occasionally, like when they're meeting a new girlfriend who's moved in suddenly, it is good to remember that they have me providing a secure safe return. I also make sure I never speak in a negative way about their dad either because despite what I may feel he is still their dad and they love him and don't need to hear negativity from one person they love about another person they love.

It would be worth bearing this in mind perhaps OP. I'm not going to comment on the cat issue but all the talk of getting them to go on days out and lunches etc, you need to leave it alone. None of it is your business or place to suggest and it's only going to cause huge difficulties. Let your ex and his gf do as they see fit regarding moving in and be there for your DCs when they come back to you-without any negative talk.

Seems a lot of overthinking here.

DD clearly cannot go into a home with cats.

OW can't be expected to rehome the cat.

Therefore her dad and OW have to find other ways to see DD.

I think you sound very bitter that your ex is now settling with this woman. It's all over your posts. You clearly are making it difficult for them to move forward with lots of demands.
If i was her I would not have texted you tbh... you will never be friends. And you don't need to be.
This is your exs job to make sure the kids are comfortable with the girl.
They are also old enough to say how they feel. They don't need 10 days out with you around.
Sorry to be blunt but I feel like your dislike for the situation and your ex/gf is getting in the way of moving forward... for everyone.
I totally understand how you would feel inside after the suspected betrayal - even though you said your marriage was less than ideal. But you need to overcome this jealousy to allow the kids to have a normal relationship with their dad and his partner. You need to let go and give them a chance.
You don't need to be in the middle of every move or decision... unless he can't care for his kids properly...

As for the cats you need to speak to your ex. Ask him what his plan of action is with regards to your DDs allergies. Or make one with him. And go from there... Absolutely not your place to ask the ow to rehome her cats when you meet her.

Thanks rainbow.

My first OP… I asked a few questions about how to navigate things moving toward. The cat was the last question. Everyone jumped on the bloody cat issue and so it’s the main point that I’ve been answering too to try to give a full picture. There is no red herring… no big mystery.

Barely anyone has actually answered the first few questions. Which were and are still much more important.

My ex could have arranged the meeting which is fully supports much sooner… he has done nothing to facilitate the kids getting to know her. That’s on him, not me.

So if he had introduced them without you meeting his DP first then you would have been fine with it?

@Redheadedgrumpysaurus

Thanks rainbow.

My first OP… I asked a few questions about how to navigate things moving toward. The cat was the last question. Everyone jumped on the bloody cat issue and so it’s the main point that I’ve been answering too to try to give a full picture. There is no red herring… no big mystery.

Barely anyone has actually answered the first few questions. Which were and are still much more important.

You might want to reread your title, because it's entirely about rehoming the cat.

But the cat issue is your headline

So it’s a headline…. Not the whole post.

So ow chose to entertain a relationship with a married man. And then coupled up with him.. then bought a house for him to rent… now 6 months later she wants to move in with the cat as her lease is up.
The kids were there first and should absolutely come first. She really ought to have gotten to know the kids, their health issues and needs before planting her feet firmly under the table.

Seriously OP stop this.
This woman is part of your kids dad's life. Accept that.
All the above is NOT YOUR BUSINESS.
If anything you seem to have an out and out problem with her. All this is something that's the responsibility of your ex. Not hers. She's living her best life. They are his kids, why should she over step her mark and be the one trying to co ordinate any kind of relationship? They are her priority. They are his!

I have dc with an ex and a new partner. When ut comes to introducing my child to new partner, ill be the decider of how and when. Not my dp.

This all seems very bitter.

Its simple. Pack necessary antihistamines. The rest is the dads responsibility. Any issues arise, the father can deal with it, if he can't then you step in.

Also get over the whole 'OW' thing. For your own sanity

Slash - it would entirely depend on how he went about it.

**not her priority I meant to say

I am sorry but no. Your concerns over your DDs allergies are to be discussed with her dad.
The girlfriend isn't responsible for your kids. She is not the new nanny.
Your ex will then explain what he wants/needs to her to make her aware and manage the problem/what to do with cats/DD.

Parenting your children is your exs business and yours, why are you talking to the girl about her cats? Just get to know her in a normal way. No drama would be a good start if you so wanted to meet her...

before you move in with the cat, can we discuss whether there is any option to not bring the cat?’

Of course you don’t do this! Not with the new (though now long-established) partner. You discuss your concerns with your ex.