Aibu to ask her to rehome the cat?

[Redheadedgrumpysaurus]

Name change for this one:

Can I please have advice/uggestions from mums who deal with step mums and vice versa:

My ex left me for another woman about 2.5 years ago. There is no evidence he cheated, but the lines feel very blurry. She wasn’t the sole blame. Ex and I weren’t a good fit anyway. He was actually not very kind/compromising and I actually feel quite bitter towards him about his behaviour towards me during the relationship and
Also for how difficult he has been to co-parent with (eg not sticking to agreed timescales / no shows..). He generally doesn’t like me and so has never been very considerate of me. Which has been quite a hard pill to swallow as OW seems to have had a very opposite experience.

Adding insult to injury, I moved to this country for my ex and am Incredibly isolated , no family. I’ve had legal advice and I am unlikely to get a ruling in my favour if tried to battle it out to move home to my country with kids. (Which is very obviously the only thing I want to do)

Anyway There is a quite a back story here but 6 months ago, Ow bought a house for ex to live in.. I always had a feeling that there was more to the story or some end game as it seemed a very generous offer. But ex was adamant he was just renting from her with no intentions of anything else. She has never met our children. And ex has so far respected my wishes to allow me to meet her first before she meets our children.
Though my second request which was to introduce the kids slowly over time. Eg let them build a friendship so any transition or change in the family dynamic was comfortable for the kids (and I guess for her too).

Anyway low and behold, her lease is now due to expire and so the natural progression is that she moves in with the ex. This is to take place in about two months. And so OW and ex are now pushing for me to meet her so that she can push forward with moving in and meeting kids. And so I have agreed to meet her for coffee in two weeks time.

breathe

Here is where I’m stuck.

On one hand - I’m really struggling with this. My ex has not been discreet with making any comparison between her and I. Which on top of many big hurts during our relationship, makes me feel pretty inferior, insignificant. My feelings are really hurt. And I can’t help but draw comparisons too … which make me feel bitter, jealous and insecure.

Further to that…. I’m not happy. I feel they always intended for this and that the truth has been drip fed. Which bothers me a lot. Ex only really has the kids
Every other weekend, and then most Monday nights, and every other Thursday night. But ow works down south so I presume she won’t travel back and forth during the week as we’re a 4 hour round trip away. So
I guess she will meet the kids just 4 times before moving in. Anyway if this was always the plan - I just don’t understand why they didn’t try to arrange for this sooner so that the kids had more time to adjust. Two months just doesn’t feel soon enough.
And as much as I hate to admit it, I am feeling really insecure about her developing a relationship
With my kids. Which I guess is natural.

But then on the other hand I know he has made a choice; it sounds like it’s for the long haul and so the best thing I can do for the kids is accept it, and play my part to make things easy for them.

So. Bloody hell.

How do I proceed with this?

What sorts of things do say / ask when we meet?

How involved should she be with my children?

Is it possible to build a good co-parenting relationship with the ow?

And How do I separate the anger and disappointment I feel towards him for things he did from any negative feelings I have about ow? (I know she isn’t too blame)

Aibu to ask her to not move in so quickly to give my kids more time to know her? (After all , she has worked with Ex for 5 years and they have dated for 2.5 years… if he and her didn’t move in together after just four dates.. why should my kids be put in that position?)

Also another random question..

DD is alergic to cats . Brings out terrible eczema; hayfever, asthma and generally makes her feel uncomfortable. Snotty nose, red bleary itchy eyes, raspy breathing and itchy throat. Ow has cats. Would it be unreasonable to ask that the cat be rehomed before she moves in with my ex? Or is this really over the top?

Any suggestions : advice welcome.

Don't say anything about the cat, Ex and his GF will have to come to the realisation themselves. I wouldn't pre-medicate DD, you need to see how she is affected.

I understand your anger about the hospitalisation, but I'm sure Ex hasn't forgotten the meds since. Leave him to deal with the consequences of his parenting fails.

There may be some fall outs that you have to deal with in your time, but that happens with school, friends... Outside stuff that you have no control over will affect your DCs sometimes.

You may find that the allergy isn't so bad if she has more regular contact with the cat. My ex was allergic but when we got one of our own his allergy went You will have to wait and see with that one and give her an anti histamine on the morning of her visit.

As to timings , as hard as it is you have no say over it. As their father what he does with them in his time is down to him, just as its down to you on your time.

You don't like your ex anyway, don't put any energy into wondering/ worrying about why he prefers her to you.

Your ex could have introduced them to a series of ONS and there is nothing you can do. When they are with dad he decides what is acceptable. The fact he's waited and you want to meet her is good but you have no say whatsoever.

My DH Had a bad cat allergy, we agreed to got a kitten, used the dander wipes, bought an air filter and over a couple of weeks he got over it. He took a daily anti histamine and was ok.

Absolutely no way would I rehome my cats for someone else's children.

Your feelings of resentment are blinking your irrational thoughts, they’ve dated for 2.5 years and your ex-husband is moving in with her. You want her to re-home her cats because your daughter has an allergy, off course it’s completely unrealistic and something you should not demand, you can’t dictate what she does in her own home, I can’t believe you actually think this is ok.

I can completely see where you are coming from op.

Of course the kids don’t want to move in with some random they don’t know. I will never understand parents, male or female, that think their kids want to play happy families with a stranger. They don’t.

Also, it’s perfectly reasonable for you to let her know about dc’s allergies and medication given that ex is clearly irresponsible. I have no doubt this woman will be raising the kids while they are there. Why she’s choosing to do this I don’t know, but there we are. But if she doesn’t have kids, she won’t understand the implications of this yet.

The problem that you have op is that while you are rightfully concerned and can say your piece, at the end of the day you don’t have any control over any of this. Dh could move her in now and the kids could meet her today without a word to you. He could have the cat in bed with your dc and you have no control unless there is an adverse effect. He could fill her with antihistamines when she stays there whatever you say because he is also the parent.

What they are doing is choosing to respect your wishes in allowing you to meet ow so I think you need to work with that and try and maintain the relationship with her for the sake of the kids.

In the kindest way possible you're approaching this from the wrong angle. Just because you don't trust your ex doesn't mean his girlfriend needs to coparent with you. The conversation about allergies needs to be had with HIM and him alone. Trying to drag her into it is inappropriate and spoiling for a fight. She has every right to have her cats in her house. Your ex needs to find a mitigation strategy for your daughter. Hopefully he discusses it with you but he doesn't need to.

Let them move in and see how it all goes. Meet her, say hello, be pleasant. You aren't interviewing her. If what you want is what's best for the kids then the adults not hating each other off the bat is the first step. Your boundaries are all over the shop.

I would not re-home my wonderful cats for anything. They are part of my family. I would offer to keep cat out of bedroom child would use and lounge whilst she was there and agree to vac and carpet clean every time before your dd came. I would also tell your ex he should take dd out even if only McDonald's. Has dd ever tried antihistamines for her allergy?

Why are you so against giving your dd antihistamines at her Dad's? My son takes in the summer for hay fever. They are safe. I think you sound very controlling and unreasonable. Why do you need to see you ex new partner before your kids meet her? That sounds nuts to me. You say they have been together about 2 years so your ex has not rushed her meeting kids.

Hmmm. I refer to one incident and people assume that Dd has only ever had one attack. As I mentioned, the allergy is severe. The way most people here down play it , is quite strange

Very bloody strange. Suggestions your daughter should just be drugged to deal with the situation are ludicrous. Asthma in children can be incredibly severe, and an attack can be life-threatening. I read your daughter is already on twice daily preventers - I don't know how you're going to find a workable solution, but as a fellow asthmatic with severe cat allergy as a trigger, I appreciate the dilemma you are facing.

@looklikeanelephant

I've never seen a more unreasonable thread.

It is full of preposterous responses, that is true.

I dearly dearly love my dog. I have had two children since having my dog and my worst nightmare was that one would be allergic. If my child was allergic to our pet, I'd have to re home it. Children's health should always trump a pet. It's not ok to force a child (who has no choice in the matter) to live with perpetual allergies such as a stuffy nose, itchy eyes, etc. it's actually borderline negligent and in this case it would be nearly 50% of the time. Antihistamines are not a fail safe solution and I agree as a mother than medicating your children every day to suit the adults is a poor and very selfish solution.

But I agree at this stage it is the Dad's issue to sort out. He cannot choose to live with a cat and his child. I can't quite imagine growing up knowing my dad chose to live with a cat over me and I was no longer able to go to is house so we could only meet up at McDonalds .

The dad should find somewhere new to live until his child is 18 or speak to his partner about rehoming the cat. She obviously doesn't have to revoke for someone else's children but can't expect to live with him and his children.

I don't really understand so many responses saying the kid needs to deal with it. Usually on MN everyone says that if you take on a parent with a child
then you need treat them as if they were your child. Not second fiddle to your pets.

Children trump pets. Absolutely not unreasonable to ask.

@Onlywomengivebirth

Children trump pets. Absolutely not unreasonable to ask.

For their parents, yes.

But the vast majority of pet-owners aren't going to re-home their pets for someone else's children, and asking them to do so is unreasonable and unfair - that's why OP has been called controlling, because they're not her pets and it's not her place to ask them to be re-homed.

If her DD is that allergic, the answer will probably be that the ex and his new girlfriend can't live together at the moment and her ex will just have to deal with that, or see his kids elsewhere.

But that decision has to come from from him, OP can't demand it.

@Onlywomengivebirth

Children trump pets. Absolutely not unreasonable to ask.

It's not the girlfriend's child, but it is her house. The father will have to see his daughter elsewhere, or he will have to live somewhere else if taking medication is not an option.

How bad is dd asthma? Does she take a preventer every day or just a reliever? If she does not take preventer she can't have asthma that bad.

I think you have to let go all of the stuff in the past and accept that your kids are probably going to build a relationship with the woman. The more you can put your own feelings aside and help them to have a positive relationship with her and their dad the better, difficult as it may be. However of course your DD can not be expected to only have contact time with her dad when she’s also allergic to something in the house. I would suggest taking reasonable steps and giving it a try with the cat once (can your daughter take an anti histamine?) but if your daughter suffers a reaction then yes, make it clear that contact time with your DD will need to be somewhere else (rented weekend accommodation/ grandparents etc).

OW is not ‘getting her feet under the table’ and ‘inserting herself into your kids’ lives’. It’s her own table in the house that she owns, and if anything, it sounds like your ex relies on her rather too heavily and she is a bit of a mug letting it happen. This is on your ex.

Its nice that you are meeting her and they have agreed as although this may be the right way to do it , they don't have to
Their father will also have parental rights and if he wanted to introduce them without you meeting their is nothing you can do
Do you have court agreed arrangements or informal

@warmeduppizza

OW is not ‘getting her feet under the table’ and ‘inserting herself into your kids’ lives’. It’s her own table in the house that she owns, and if anything, it sounds like your ex relies on her rather too heavily and she is a bit of a mug letting it happen. This is on your ex.

All of this, honestly.

How do you manage your daughters allergies at home - if she reacts to cats, she’ll react to a lot of other allergens, surely?

As for trying to manage someone else’s life - you can’t.

Isn’t there a chance she will keep the same cat arrangement she has now? Ie leave cat with her friend where she is works during the week?

And it’s not about ruling the roost. It’s about ensuring the kids are prioritised.

But you can only hope your ex will prioritise the children. You can't enforce it and just because you have different ideas of what prioritising actually means doesn't necessarily mean yours is reasonable or right.

The bottom line is you have absolutely no control about what your ex does in his time with the children providing it is legal and not abusive of neglectful. He can introduce them to whoever he likes and live with whom ever he likes. You can't tell him he can't take his dc to his home unless there is a genuine welfare concern which would need to be more than they don't know her or a cat. You choosing not to give a non prescription anti histamine doesn't mean your ex cannot choose to do so. It's a bit like telling him he's not allowed to give them calpol. I honestly think you need to think carefully about how much weight you're going to throw in to this as it could backfire. Judges don't deny contact due to cats or live in partners

@Redheadedgrumpysaurus

Sorry as I mentioned there is a lot to unpack and quite a lot to cover so you all understand the history.

Her feet were firmly under the table from before my ex had left.

When my ex first left … he has actually wanted me to leave our marital home. This is the home that he had wanted to stay in… and at this point Ow was already in the picture. (‘As a friend’). Obviously this wasn’t an option. Ex then suggested co-habitation… which would have changed nothing but his relationship status. So not an option to me. Up until she bought her house ‘for him to rent’… there was a lot of pressure from on me to sell up as they wanted the equity from this home. And when they did get the keys for their home.. ex kindly came and collected the living room. Furniture, sofas, various kitchen items etc… all jointly owned and purchased property. There is a whole history of hurts here. And OW was very much involved along every step of the way.

She was and will always be the OW… based on her actions. Becoming an official couple and telling mutual friends/ family etc a timeline that puts them in a better light doesn’t actually discount that this is what happened.

And fyi ex and I are not divorced.. so it’s still considered adultery.

And none of that was unreasonable on his part.

Joint assets are that, joint and when you split, each party is entitled to their share. Would you rather he took other items.

I'm an ideal world you'd allocate who gets what. But let's be honest, you are and we're so get up and hurt, understandably, that being reasonable was never on the cards.

I've only read your own posts in one big thread and I can't believe how much you've had to repeat and repeat your very calm and reasonable standpoint!

As someone who has had to deal with an ex and a new partner, my advice is to try to let lots of things go. In terms of wanting her to ease slowly into their lives, that's not something you have any control over. You could suggest it might be better for them, but you can't insist. It will work out in the end. They will get used to her being around.

The cat allergy concerns are unfortunately also not something you can control (in terms of what they ultimately decide to do about the cat). Solicitors will be so costly and you're unlikely to get anywhere. I would write down all your dds allergies, symptoms and hospital admissions linked to her cat allergy. Say that she will find it very difficult and uncomfortable to live with a cat, and that you would really appreciate her seriously considering not moving the cat into the home. Be very clear that if this isn't an option they will need to closely monitor your dd's health and be prepared to take her to hospital at short notice.

Personally I would keep the meeting brief and put your concerns in writing rather than say much face to face. You could say you're really concerned about your dd's cat allergy and that you've put it all in writing and would appreciate a response. Then email. This will keep the meeting straightforward and less emotional and give her time to respond properly.

You sound really reasonable. It's hard but in my experience the best thing is to try to step back. Your dd will soon be of an age where she can decide for herself if she wants to spend time in the home. She may well decide she doesn't want to go there if she's having flare ups, and that will be fair enough. They'll have to work out places to meet that are outside of the home. You could tell your dd (and your ex) you will come and collect her at any time if she's feeling unwell and worried, for your own peace of mind.