Aibu to ask her to rehome the cat?

[Redheadedgrumpysaurus]

Name change for this one:

Can I please have advice/uggestions from mums who deal with step mums and vice versa:

My ex left me for another woman about 2.5 years ago. There is no evidence he cheated, but the lines feel very blurry. She wasn’t the sole blame. Ex and I weren’t a good fit anyway. He was actually not very kind/compromising and I actually feel quite bitter towards him about his behaviour towards me during the relationship and
Also for how difficult he has been to co-parent with (eg not sticking to agreed timescales / no shows..). He generally doesn’t like me and so has never been very considerate of me. Which has been quite a hard pill to swallow as OW seems to have had a very opposite experience.

Adding insult to injury, I moved to this country for my ex and am Incredibly isolated , no family. I’ve had legal advice and I am unlikely to get a ruling in my favour if tried to battle it out to move home to my country with kids. (Which is very obviously the only thing I want to do)

Anyway There is a quite a back story here but 6 months ago, Ow bought a house for ex to live in.. I always had a feeling that there was more to the story or some end game as it seemed a very generous offer. But ex was adamant he was just renting from her with no intentions of anything else. She has never met our children. And ex has so far respected my wishes to allow me to meet her first before she meets our children.
Though my second request which was to introduce the kids slowly over time. Eg let them build a friendship so any transition or change in the family dynamic was comfortable for the kids (and I guess for her too).

Anyway low and behold, her lease is now due to expire and so the natural progression is that she moves in with the ex. This is to take place in about two months. And so OW and ex are now pushing for me to meet her so that she can push forward with moving in and meeting kids. And so I have agreed to meet her for coffee in two weeks time.

breathe

Here is where I’m stuck.

On one hand - I’m really struggling with this. My ex has not been discreet with making any comparison between her and I. Which on top of many big hurts during our relationship, makes me feel pretty inferior, insignificant. My feelings are really hurt. And I can’t help but draw comparisons too … which make me feel bitter, jealous and insecure.

Further to that…. I’m not happy. I feel they always intended for this and that the truth has been drip fed. Which bothers me a lot. Ex only really has the kids
Every other weekend, and then most Monday nights, and every other Thursday night. But ow works down south so I presume she won’t travel back and forth during the week as we’re a 4 hour round trip away. So
I guess she will meet the kids just 4 times before moving in. Anyway if this was always the plan - I just don’t understand why they didn’t try to arrange for this sooner so that the kids had more time to adjust. Two months just doesn’t feel soon enough.
And as much as I hate to admit it, I am feeling really insecure about her developing a relationship
With my kids. Which I guess is natural.

But then on the other hand I know he has made a choice; it sounds like it’s for the long haul and so the best thing I can do for the kids is accept it, and play my part to make things easy for them.

So. Bloody hell.

How do I proceed with this?

What sorts of things do say / ask when we meet?

How involved should she be with my children?

Is it possible to build a good co-parenting relationship with the ow?

And How do I separate the anger and disappointment I feel towards him for things he did from any negative feelings I have about ow? (I know she isn’t too blame)

Aibu to ask her to not move in so quickly to give my kids more time to know her? (After all , she has worked with Ex for 5 years and they have dated for 2.5 years… if he and her didn’t move in together after just four dates.. why should my kids be put in that position?)

Also another random question..

DD is alergic to cats . Brings out terrible eczema; hayfever, asthma and generally makes her feel uncomfortable. Snotty nose, red bleary itchy eyes, raspy breathing and itchy throat. Ow has cats. Would it be unreasonable to ask that the cat be rehomed before she moves in with my ex? Or is this really over the top?

Any suggestions : advice welcome.

Also another random question..

DD is alergic to cats . Brings out terrible eczema; hayfever, asthma and generally makes her feel uncomfortable.

The cat thing was literally at the end of your thread…bemoaning your ex and his gf- but it’s become this huge stick to beat everyone with.
She isn’t moving in with your ex, she’s moving in to HER home with her cat. He will need to move out of HER home.

You need to take a big step back here. Your ex can introduce the kids to his partner whenever he wants. He doesn't need your permission or approval. He doesn't need to introduce her to you in advance. That's a privilege, not a right. He's as much their parent as you are. It's up to him to manage to the cat allergy situation if she brings them with her. You have no right to ask her to do that and I very much doubt she would agree anyway. If the allergy can be successfully managed with antihistamines then it is entirely appropriate to use them. My DP and DS both take them for a few months a year to manage hayfever - hundreds of thousands of people do with no side effects. They're really not a big deal and you're being incredibly precious about that. You appear to be throwing up impediments because your angry and hurt, but this is not in your children's best interests. It is in their best interest to have positive harmonious loving relationships with all the adults in their lives and you should be focusing on how to make that happen rather than have them growing up in an environment full of negativity and snark.

Your DD wouldn't need to take AH's when not at Dads house. She might find minimising contact with the cat and using something like a nasal spray would help, this has much less effect on the body than taking tablets. Also worth trying different antihistamines as I find some more effective than others.
There are things you can do in the home which reduce exposure to allergens too.
www.cats.org.uk/oxford/feature-pages/living-with-cat-allergies
I know you think asking for the cat to be re-homed is a reasonable first step but speaking as a cat owner, parent and step parent, it really isn't.
I do sympathise that your DD suffers with allergies, but attempting to manage those is your first reasonable step. Not ditching the cat.

Well to answer one of your questions:

How involved should she be with my children? I'm afraid this really is absolutely none of your business. It's up to your ex when they are with him. Even asking this question makes you look a bit batshit tbh.

As for the rest, I can't see what good will come from you meeting your ex's new partner until you get a realistic grasp of where your boundaries should be.

the kids view that home as their home too. They won’t really understand that she owns it.

As an aside from the cat issue, when you said the above, OP, I thought the kids were really little, not 10 and 13. Of course they'll understand that she owns the house if they're told! She's not 'getting her feet under the table' of your ex 's home, she's moving into a house she owns, which she's perfectly entitled to do at any time.

Your ex had to come up with a solution re your dd and the cats. It’s not the ow problem to solve. Be clear with ex- you are putting our dd health in danger if you insist on visitation in a place with cats. You have dr and the courts in your side with this. Either he doesn’t give a shit and is prepared to put his dd health at risk with every visit, or is prepared to sacrifice his kids for the sake of not finding an alternative solution to the problem. This is difficult for you clearly and you have my sympathy. I agree that meeting the ow is a good idea, ehh shouldn’t you have at least a civil relationship tied the person who is going to be a large part of your kids lives? Much better for the kids that you are at least familiar with and civil towards each other.

How do I proceed with this? Arrive with children, head inside -if invited for a cup of tea. Otherwise return home?

What sorts of things do say / ask when we meet?
Are you definitely meeting up? I’d explain concerns regarding DD and cat and eczema and allergies and enquire if his gf can assist if ex isn’t around for whatever reason.
How involved should she be with my children?
At their ages, probably not that much going by the 10 & 13 year olds I know.
Is it possible to build a good co-parenting relationship with the ow?
I don’t think you need to worry about this as they children are old enough to look after themselves and your ex is there. Unless you don’t trust your ex.

I would use the weekends to go out, take up hobbies, make friends and live my life. You say your unhappy here, I’d try to do things that made me happy.

What sorts of things do say / ask when we meet?
I’d advise not to meet at all. Or keep it very brief. Ten minutes at the park when the dc are there. Just say hello and general chitchat.

How involved should she be with my children?
Not your business or concern. I’d assume she won’t be involved, at least not solely, so take it from there.

Is it possible to build a good co-parenting relationship with the ow?
You’re not co-parenting with the ow, so this is irrelevant.

And How do I separate the anger and disappointment I feel towards him for things he did from any negative feelings I have about ow? (I know she isn’t too blame)
This is the hard one. Therapy. Counselling. Move on with your life. Grow as a person.

Aibu to ask her to not move in so quickly to give my kids more time to know her? (After all , she has worked with Ex for 5 years and they have dated for 2.5 years… if he and her didn’t move in together after just four dates.. why should my kids be put in that position?)
Yes, YABU.

OP you are getting a hard time but actually I'm incredibly sympathetic and can relate to what you're going through but it was a long time ago for me.

Your children are your world and not only has the arsehole left you all and inflicted pain and misery on innocent children he's now going to make dd suffer more because of the cat. You're also in a different country. So I get why you're angry.

For your own sanity take the advice to step back. Unless ex H is a completely heartless bastard he will not see his DD suffer surely so they will have to find a solution.

I suggest you don't meet her as that will create a whole new level of anger and questions for you.

Good luck 💐

Sorry as I mentioned there is a lot to unpack and quite a lot to cover so you all understand the history.

Her feet were firmly under the table from before my ex had left.

When my ex first left … he has actually wanted me to leave our marital home. This is the home that he had wanted to stay in… and at this point Ow was already in the picture. (‘As a friend’). Obviously this wasn’t an option. Ex then suggested co-habitation… which would have changed nothing but his relationship status. So not an option to me. Up until she bought her house ‘for him to rent’… there was a lot of pressure from on me to sell up as they wanted the equity from this home. And when they did get the keys for their home.. ex kindly came and collected the living room. Furniture, sofas, various kitchen items etc… all jointly owned and purchased property. There is a whole history of hurts here. And OW was very much involved along every step of the way.

She was and will always be the OW… based on her actions. Becoming an official couple and telling mutual friends/ family etc a timeline that puts them in a better light doesn’t actually discount that this is what happened.

And fyi ex and I are not divorced.. so it’s still considered adultery.

Maybe she has already met them?

This is going to turn into the same old same old, hurt ex wife using kids as a pawn to try and get back at her ex and the OW. The signs are all there.

But thank you to the posters who have actually addresses the non-cat related questions.

Ex had suggested the kids not be there… is it wiser that they are?

Whose name is your house in? If it's joint then he'd be perfectly entitled to move back in if you decide that he can't live with his DP, or to insist that the house is told.

I dont know about the legalities but i just wanted to say that you sound like you are trying extremely hard to be considerate in spite of your personal hurt. You are a good mum. Am sure others have given better advice.

@Redheadedgrumpysaurus

Hmmm. I refer to one incident and people assume that Dd has only ever had one attack. As I mentioned, the allergy is severe. The way most people here down play it , is quite strange Would the responses be the same if DD were allergic to peanuts for example yet ex and Ow were wanting to put peanut oil on her plate? (Obviously that’s an extreme allergy but both affect breathing…so to me are just as serious)

The kids have both expressed that they do not want to live with Ow just yet. They want time to know her first. They also don’t want a cat. At 13 and 10, their opinions are relevant and should be considered.

I’m surprised at some of the comments.

Out of interest - who here stopped being involved in their own children lives as 10 and 13?

The allergy is literally the last thing in your post. This isn't your main issue at all. Stop pretending that it wouldn't be something else if the cat thing wasn't there.

You're not coming across well in your motives. You just want to control your ex and you can't do that.

OP, you are seriously close to parental alienation territory here.

If your ex were to take this to court he will have a serious case for arguing that you are poisoning your children against him and his potential new relationship.

You will be laughed out of court if you try to argue that a cat is a danger to your child who is clearly not on medication for said allergy as it clearly isn’t severe, and that you refuse to give her medication and would rather withhold access and control how your ex’s relationship with his children should be.

The courts take a very very very dim view of parental alienation, to the extent that it’s not unheard of for them to grant full residency to the other parent.

You need to get a serious grip of yourself, step way back, mind your own business with regards to your children’s relationship with their father and whoever he chooses to be with and maybe even have more children with who will be your children’s siblings, and stop poisoning your children’s minds or you run the real risk of losing your children altogether.

@Romeiswheretheheartis, I was just coming to on say that! I thought they were tiny kids who wouldn't understand the concept of home ownership vs renting.

OP, what she does in her own home is nothing to do with you. I say this as DP's ex has often tried to intrude on my home, and tell me and my DC what we can and can't do. It's infuriating, and the end result of this, and other behaviours, is that she has irreparably damaged the co-parenting relationship.

You keep referring to her as the OW, but you also admit that you don't actually know that she was.

You may not be outright saying negative things about her and your ex to the dc, but I'd be willing to be that they are more than aware of your feelings.

On the cat issue, I have 4 cats, and there are many, many things I would do before I'd even think about rehoming them. Firstly, it's not remotely your place to suggest that the cat is rehomed, left behind, or removed from the house before the DC visit. Secondly, you seem to be saying that you don't want to try medication for your dd as it wasn't hugely effective for you. This doesn't mean that it won't be effective for her. It also doesn't necessarily mean that there won't be an alternative medication that does work for you.

As for your other questions:

What sorts of things do say / ask when we meet?
You say 'hello, I'm redheadedgrumpysaurus nice to meet you.' Stick to pleasantries, and topics that won't make it look as if you're actively trying to start an argument. Nothing about your ex, her house, or cats.

How involved should she be with my children?
None of your business. They'll find their own way. They'll work out what works in their own home. It has nothing to do with you.

Is it possible to build a good co-parenting relationship with the ow?
You're not co-parenting with her. Even if she does take on some parental type roles, it's not her that you need a good co-parenting relationship with. With her, you need to have a civil relationship, which you will not have if you start off with this nonsense of rehoming her cat.

It’s not parent alienation.

1. He sees the kids as much as he wants. Which works out to 6 nights a fortnight.
2. I don’t say anything negative to the kids about him

Or ow.

1. He and ow are happy for the meet and seem to want to move forward civilly.

I only came here to ask how is best to move forward, without it letting the hurt impact that.

And how do I help facilitate this so that it’s the best for the kids.

Surely others can see the severe cat allergy and moving in with a stranger without any real time to adjust isnt ideal? How on earth you get to alienation from that is beyond me.

Ex had suggested the kids not be there… is it wiser that they are?

The kids should not be there - or, as I suggested - at a park - so they are there in the background. They shouldn’t hear your conversation after an initial hello. This meeting isn’t about them, it’s about you trying to find your way. But you shouldn’t unburden your concerns on the ow.

@CherryCherrycake

Seems a lot of overthinking here.

DD clearly cannot go into a home with cats.

OW can't be expected to rehome the cat.

Therefore her dad and OW have to find other ways to see DD.

I agree.

PS. If your ex chooses to ensure that your dd takes her medication each day to deal with the cat, then he is fulfilling his duty as a parent. The fact that you don’t want her taking antihistamine daily whilst she is there is YOUR issue to deal with, not his. You can’t say she’s deathly allergic then refuse to ‘allow’ her to take antihistamine. That’s being very unreasonable. I feel for you. I think therapy or counselling will help to address some of your questions and fears and worries. And then you will start to enjoy your life better and see that you can move on and be happy too.

I can see that from the perspective of other people with allergies that this is an issue. Not denying that.

But from the perspective a cat lover and owner, rehoming them is not the easy option you're looking for.

It's far more likely that he will need to move out or see the kids elsewhere.

“ Furniture, sofas, various kitchen items etc… all jointly owned and purchased property. There is a whole history of hurts here.”- well that’s utterly shit of him and her.
I’d personally want the least to do with them as possible.
It’s clear your hurting and you’ve been treated badly, possibly cheated on, your ex sounds like a right prize.
But you have to move on, it’s been 2.5 years now, you need to live your life OP. Try and be happy.

This is his responsibility, not yours (or hers, in fact). He'll have to decide, as a father whether to have his child visits elsewhere (maybe his parents) or find a place of his own.