Aibu to ask her to rehome the cat?

[Redheadedgrumpysaurus]

Name change for this one:

Can I please have advice/uggestions from mums who deal with step mums and vice versa:

My ex left me for another woman about 2.5 years ago. There is no evidence he cheated, but the lines feel very blurry. She wasn’t the sole blame. Ex and I weren’t a good fit anyway. He was actually not very kind/compromising and I actually feel quite bitter towards him about his behaviour towards me during the relationship and
Also for how difficult he has been to co-parent with (eg not sticking to agreed timescales / no shows..). He generally doesn’t like me and so has never been very considerate of me. Which has been quite a hard pill to swallow as OW seems to have had a very opposite experience.

Adding insult to injury, I moved to this country for my ex and am Incredibly isolated , no family. I’ve had legal advice and I am unlikely to get a ruling in my favour if tried to battle it out to move home to my country with kids. (Which is very obviously the only thing I want to do)

Anyway There is a quite a back story here but 6 months ago, Ow bought a house for ex to live in.. I always had a feeling that there was more to the story or some end game as it seemed a very generous offer. But ex was adamant he was just renting from her with no intentions of anything else. She has never met our children. And ex has so far respected my wishes to allow me to meet her first before she meets our children.
Though my second request which was to introduce the kids slowly over time. Eg let them build a friendship so any transition or change in the family dynamic was comfortable for the kids (and I guess for her too).

Anyway low and behold, her lease is now due to expire and so the natural progression is that she moves in with the ex. This is to take place in about two months. And so OW and ex are now pushing for me to meet her so that she can push forward with moving in and meeting kids. And so I have agreed to meet her for coffee in two weeks time.

breathe

Here is where I’m stuck.

On one hand - I’m really struggling with this. My ex has not been discreet with making any comparison between her and I. Which on top of many big hurts during our relationship, makes me feel pretty inferior, insignificant. My feelings are really hurt. And I can’t help but draw comparisons too … which make me feel bitter, jealous and insecure.

Further to that…. I’m not happy. I feel they always intended for this and that the truth has been drip fed. Which bothers me a lot. Ex only really has the kids
Every other weekend, and then most Monday nights, and every other Thursday night. But ow works down south so I presume she won’t travel back and forth during the week as we’re a 4 hour round trip away. So
I guess she will meet the kids just 4 times before moving in. Anyway if this was always the plan - I just don’t understand why they didn’t try to arrange for this sooner so that the kids had more time to adjust. Two months just doesn’t feel soon enough.
And as much as I hate to admit it, I am feeling really insecure about her developing a relationship
With my kids. Which I guess is natural.

But then on the other hand I know he has made a choice; it sounds like it’s for the long haul and so the best thing I can do for the kids is accept it, and play my part to make things easy for them.

So. Bloody hell.

How do I proceed with this?

What sorts of things do say / ask when we meet?

How involved should she be with my children?

Is it possible to build a good co-parenting relationship with the ow?

And How do I separate the anger and disappointment I feel towards him for things he did from any negative feelings I have about ow? (I know she isn’t too blame)

Aibu to ask her to not move in so quickly to give my kids more time to know her? (After all , she has worked with Ex for 5 years and they have dated for 2.5 years… if he and her didn’t move in together after just four dates.. why should my kids be put in that position?)

Also another random question..

DD is alergic to cats . Brings out terrible eczema; hayfever, asthma and generally makes her feel uncomfortable. Snotty nose, red bleary itchy eyes, raspy breathing and itchy throat. Ow has cats. Would it be unreasonable to ask that the cat be rehomed before she moves in with my ex? Or is this really over the top?

Any suggestions : advice welcome.

@TheUndoingProject

I think you need to become more comfortable with the fact that what he does with the kids on his time is not really up to you.

For someone who's been separated for 2.5 years, you don't seem to have cottoned on that you don't have as much control as you used to. You've been lucky that your ex and your gf have allowed you to be so controlling and dictate you must meet her etc They would be well within their rights to say no and do what they want. What do you think you'll gain from a meeting? She'll either be polite as most people are or you'll find fault with her and not be able to do a thing because your ex will obviously pick his relationship over co-parenting with you.

Meeting someone 4 times before they move in is fast but the kids will take their cue from you. If you act like it's normal (your post comes across as full of anxiety) then it will help the kids adjust. Maybe the solution to this is for contact to be shorter for a while ?

However the cat allergy thing is a serious issue and your ex needs to step up and come up with a solution before his gf moves in. That's for him to arrange. I suspect that they won't rehome the cats but in an ideal world, he will discuss the problem with his gf and they will come up with that solution together. However, be prepared for him to say overnights for your dd won't be possible any more.

I am an ex-wife with kids so I understand it's scary to let go but once you realise that you can't have control any more then it helps everyone. Your ex has to be a parent and step up. You need uk stop looking at his actions suspiciously. Maybe they are being honest and long distance was the plan and something at work or personal life meant that she wanted to move in early? Either way it's between them and not about you.

@bluebird3

I dearly dearly love my dog. I have had two children since having my dog and my worst nightmare was that one would be allergic. If my child was allergic to our pet, I'd have to re home it. Children's health should always trump a pet. It's not ok to force a child (who has no choice in the matter) to live with perpetual allergies such as a stuffy nose, itchy eyes, etc. it's actually borderline negligent and in this case it would be nearly 50% of the time. Antihistamines are not a fail safe solution and I agree as a mother than medicating your children every day to suit the adults is a poor and very selfish solution.

But I agree at this stage it is the Dad's issue to sort out. He cannot choose to live with a cat and his child. I can't quite imagine growing up knowing my dad chose to live with a cat over me and I was no longer able to go to is house so we could only meet up at McDonalds .

The dad should find somewhere new to live until his child is 18 or speak to his partner about rehoming the cat. She obviously doesn't have to revoke for someone else's children but can't expect to live with him and his children.

I don't really understand so many responses saying the kid needs to deal with it. Usually on MN everyone says that if you take on a parent with a child
then you need treat them as if they were your child. Not second fiddle to your pets.

Fuck me, you think his partner who is allowing her partner and kids to live in her home should re-home her cat because his child has allergies. What about her friends or other family members who have pets, do they all have to get rid of their pets to suit the child?

@MakeItRain

I've only read your own posts in one big thread and I can't believe how much you've had to repeat and repeat your very calm and reasonable standpoint!

As someone who has had to deal with an ex and a new partner, my advice is to try to let lots of things go. In terms of wanting her to ease slowly into their lives, that's not something you have any control over. You could suggest it might be better for them, but you can't insist. It will work out in the end. They will get used to her being around.

The cat allergy concerns are unfortunately also not something you can control (in terms of what they ultimately decide to do about the cat). Solicitors will be so costly and you're unlikely to get anywhere. I would write down all your dds allergies, symptoms and hospital admissions linked to her cat allergy. Say that she will find it very difficult and uncomfortable to live with a cat, and that you would really appreciate her seriously considering not moving the cat into the home. Be very clear that if this isn't an option they will need to closely monitor your dd's health and be prepared to take her to hospital at short notice.

Personally I would keep the meeting brief and put your concerns in writing rather than say much face to face. You could say you're really concerned about your dd's cat allergy and that you've put it all in writing and would appreciate a response. Then email. This will keep the meeting straightforward and less emotional and give her time to respond properly.

You sound really reasonable. It's hard but in my experience the best thing is to try to step back. Your dd will soon be of an age where she can decide for herself if she wants to spend time in the home. She may well decide she doesn't want to go there if she's having flare ups, and that will be fair enough. They'll have to work out places to meet that are outside of the home. You could tell your dd (and your ex) you will come and collect her at any time if she's feeling unwell and worried, for your own peace of mind.

😂 At getting a solicitor involved because the child has allergies.

OP seems unwilling/unable to take any advice. Consensus is that OP is being unreasonable. Accept it or why bother?

Lady089 People get solicitors involved to help them come up with arrangements for contact. It's just a normal part of what many people go through. Parents have to agree it though, and a fight over a cat probably wouldn't get anywhere. It's not too strange a thought. No funnier to agree to no pets if someone has a severe allergy than agreeing on a child having their own room or seeing one parent every other weekend. It can be less stress if it's all agreed legally so I get why someone suggested it.

My dd has an allergy to cats. We go and stay with my sister who has a cat, and unfortunately it seems to get progressively worse every time we go.

We have tried every form of antihistamine I can find, she has nasal sprays and eye drops in addition. We give her the antihistamine before we go and stay and keep the dose up all the time.

Within about 2 hours she looks like she’s been in a fight with swollen eyes. She is miserable when we’re there, even though my sis deep cleans the house and keeps the vet out of the room she’s sleeping in.

It’s got so bad that I don’t think we can stay there again whilst the cat is alive (she’s 17, bless her, and is very old and doddery).

My point is that some people can’t control their allergies with antihistamine.

It’s super tricky because it has a massive knock on effect on seeing my family, but she was so distressed and uncomfortable at Christmas, that I don’t think I can do that to her again.

Sometimes it’s not quite as simple as popping a pill.

OP just stop with the 'OW'....you're sounding more and more bitter as the thread progresses. She is not the OW, she is your ex's new partner. And not even that new! Honestly, you need to get over it and I say that as someone who was in your position. Your kids will pick up on it and will either be alienated from their dad or go the other way and feel bad for him and pity you. Neither is good. You need to grow up and move on for the best interests of your children. You are no longer in control of him, or her.

@Pheasantplucker2

My dd has an allergy to cats. We go and stay with my sister who has a cat, and unfortunately it seems to get progressively worse every time we go.

We have tried every form of antihistamine I can find, she has nasal sprays and eye drops in addition. We give her the antihistamine before we go and stay and keep the dose up all the time.

Within about 2 hours she looks like she’s been in a fight with swollen eyes. She is miserable when we’re there, even though my sis deep cleans the house and keeps the vet out of the room she’s sleeping in.

It’s got so bad that I don’t think we can stay there again whilst the cat is alive (she’s 17, bless her, and is very old and doddery).

My point is that some people can’t control their allergies with antihistamine.

It’s super tricky because it has a massive knock on effect on seeing my family, but she was so distressed and uncomfortable at Christmas, that I don’t think I can do that to her again.

Sometimes it’s not quite as simple as popping a pill.

If this was raised with medical professionals they would find a combo that does work and probably add something in like montellukast ifthe situation really is as dire as the op suggests.

There are now, some great antihistamines out there. I used to find one and then it would be less effective after a period of time. I now have one prescribed by the hos9at a higher dosage that works for far more of my seasonal and contact allergies including cats, plus medication for the asthma and rhinitis.
With allergies it can be hit and miss.

OP... You have been separated for 2.5 years and are not divorced. May I ask why? ( I know it's none of my business)
You said that you are still married and him having his GF move in is adultry.
I moved in with my now husband while he was separated and waiting for his divorce. Did you expect him to remain celebit?
To me you would be every woman's nightmare as an EX.
" Mommy we are going to zoo today!"
" Ring Ring... You didn't tell me you were taking the kids to the zoo! You know about her allergies and asthma...You didn't ask me first I was going to take them next week!"
" Ring Ring I heard that you and what's her name snuggled on the couch in front of the kids. They felt uncomfortable. You know the rules I set!"
"Ring Ring..until the rest of their lives...
NIGHTMARE for all...

If OP is serious about trying to be friendly for the sake of the kids then she shouldn't take the legal route or be the one who asks the gf to rehome the cats. That's the fast route to being considered difficult and having her ex and gf avoid her as much as possible.

The best thing to do is to ask her ex what he proposes as a solution. He is the only one who should discuss rehoming the cat with the gf. It's his responsibility to have an environment that's suitable for the kids and his job to find solutions if that's not possible.

If he proposes to do nothing then your hands are tied and he needs to propose a new contact routine. He needs to do the planning and organizing.

How old are your children?

It sounds like you ex and new partner are doing what they can to accommodate you but I agree with @MakeItRain you have to let things go. They will find their own way through it, whether you like her or not.

In terms of the cat and anti histamines, I'm pretty sure if you made it an issue a court would say you need to try them before blocking contact at the home. Millions of children take anti histamines all year or during the summer on a daily basis for various allergies. You won't know if they work until you have tried.

I think this is one of those issues that if you aren't there, then you don't really understand the angst. It's very easy to say "just pack her off with some antihistamines!". If they don't work, which they don't always, then you could have a very Ill child on your hands. Asthma shouldn't be messed about with.

However OP, I don't feel you can tell your exes partner that she has to get rid of her cats, I think your ex needs to find somewhere else to have contact with the children. Personally I think if he insists in taking the children to a house, knowing how Ill your daughter could get, then he is being negligent.

@Onlywomengivebirth

Children trump pets. Absolutely not unreasonable to ask.

Somebody else's children don't trump my pets.

I think it's all moving very fast for the kids and for you. I don't think you're being controlling - you have good reason to be concerned that your STBXH won't take proper care of your daughter and he is not showing enough care for their feelings in moving the girlfriend in before the kids havr a chance to get to know her - he's doing what suits him, not whats best for the kids.

Can you get a letter from your GP setting out your daughter's allergies and the allergans she shouldn't be exposed to? Then he knows the rules which have to be followed and that he can't just pretend that there is nothing wrong with her/you're fussing.

I think mediation could be very useful - helped with practicalities with me and my ex. We still ended up on court, a horrible day but it drew a line under everything and i'm glad now that it got to that stage.

I don't know if there is much to be gained from meeting the girlfriend - sounds like she's put a lot of effort into getting your husband as she's effectively bought a house for them to live in, she's not going to put your kids wellbeing above hers or his. But what a prize she's got - a selfish lying man who she can never fully trust.

I only read your posts OP and it's very clear you haven't moved on from being divorced. Let your ex and his girlfriend find a way to accommodate his daughter, you have no right to decide what they do in their own home, I know it hurts but you need to let go.

You want to meet her you have been given a chance to meet her. God knows why, I'm a step mum and I wouldn't arrange to meet their mum and I've been with dad for years now. She is shit all to do with me I owe her nothing.

Presumably you trusted dad with your daughters health when you were with him so you'll just have to trust him now. You cannot insist they rehome their cat. That is for them to decide.

Failing to carry and administer her emergency rescue medication when she had an asthma attack is not good. The consequence was that she was hospitalised. That is a severe consequence. Do you have documentation of this? Since it was only two years ago, it's possible you may still be able to request documentation, if you can work out which hospital she was admitted at, to prove that the incident occurred. You are her mother so I would imagine you'd be entitled to request those records. Also, did you mention this event to the doctor that manages her asthma? Then it should be in her medical records there too.

Do you have a written "Asthma action plan"? If not, you need to get one, signed by her doctor. However, I imagine you do have one. Her father needs a copy of this (I assume he already has one but just checking) so that he is informed as to his responsibilities.

You said that your custody agreement is informal. I think you need to formalise this. I am not in the UK but I would think the following would apply in any country: your custody agreement needs to require that any adult in charge of your child will be trained in the asthma action plan and administration of any prescribed medications, especially rescue medications. You need to make it so that it is documented that he knows about, and is expected to, carry and administer her asthma medications wherever she goes. If he delegates her care to his partner (which he is likely entitled to do), then he needs to ensure that his partner has, and knows how to administer, and knows that she is required to administer, rescue medications according to the instructions of your child's doctor or the asthma action plan.

You likely cannot control whether his live-in partner has a cat. However, if your daughter's asthma is formally noted in the custody arrangement, then you have documented her need for a living environment where she can breathe safely. That way, if she has an asthma attack while the cat is living with her, and let's say she is hospitalised as a result of that asthma attack, you have a pathway set up whereby you can return to court and argue that you have tried having her accommodate to living with a cat, and it was unsafe for her, and now the legal system needs to protect her life and limb by modifying the custody agreement. In addition, if her doctor prescribes medication and her father fails to administer the medication according to the doctor's instructions, then you have a way to document that too.

So your first stop is a lawyer or attorney or solicitor, whatever the person is who can tell you what options you have for a formal custody agreement that will help you document those needs and her father's resonsibility to care for them.

Her father forgetting to take her inhaler is bad, but that sort of thing does happen to parents (especially dads, according to my own child's asthma doctor, bit of an eyeroll there). But her being hospitalised and him NOT TELLING YOU is ridiculous. Shaking my head here. Sorry you have to deal with that.

You likely cannot control whether his live-in partner has a cat. However, if your daughter's asthma is formally noted in the custody arrangement, then you have documented her need for a living environment where she can breathe safely.

He's the live-in partner. He will have to find alternative living arrangements.

Thanks woolystockings … not meeting ow is not an
Option.

It is. They could turn round and say no she doesn't want to meet you. You don't seem to get that you have very little say in how he lives his life now

You likely cannot control whether his live-in partner has a cat. hang on, it's her house! She can have 20 cats if she wants to. There's no "likely" about it. You can't tell someone who is shit all to do with you that they can't have a cat in their house. That's madness.

Curious, what do you expect the outcome to be if you 'go down the legal route'? It's her house, you're not going to be able to stop her moving into her own house that she owns! And you won't be able to stop her owning a cat in her own home! More likely you will end up forcing your exH and your children to move out of her home if the judge doesn't laugh you out of the courtroom. Honestly it's been 2.5 years, you need to take a step back and get over it and not meddle so much. They will figure out the cat thing themselves and they will figure out her relationship with the kids themselves.

Shes not your ex. She’s probably a very nice person who will be a positive presence in your childrens lives despite your ex’s poor behaviour. Choose to make the relationship work, get to know her well and focus on how much this will enrich the childrens lives, rather then being at loggerheads.

Personally I’d want them get on with moving in and settling down. Develop a new normal. They will have at least broken the ice and your ex will take the lead anyway.

@Chilledchablis1

I do hope you don’t refer to your ex’s girlfriend as OW in front of the children .

The most ridiculous comment of the day…