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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask WWYD - if your partner came out as bisexual

303 replies

NotSureWhatToDoHelp · 04/03/2022 12:08

Name change for obvious reasons

I just want to know what you would do if..

  • you are male
  • You had been in a (straight) relationship since you were 17
  • you are now 25 and have a home and pets with your girlfriend, and are getting married this year
  • your girlfriend told you she loved you and you're her soul mate and wants to be with you and continue in the relationship, but thinks she is bisexual??

Basically doesn't want to end the relationship is super happy and everything but just feels like in the last couple of years have realised they are bisexual - and feels like they have to at least tell their future husband or it's like hiding a part of you???

(Yes suprise suprise I am the girlfriend)

I don't know whether to tell my partner or not basically because it won't actually change anything? I just feel like I'm hiding something but like am I ??? Is it ok to not say anything??

My boyfriend is absolutely not homophobic in any way , we aren't religious or anything etc

Thoughts please

OP posts:
Original poster
NotSureWhatToDoHelp · 04/03/2022 18:52

@Clymene

It's okay to reject a sexual partner for any reason.

You sound way too young and immature to get married frankly

We are probably from different generations - my view might be immature to you but I think many would say it's just more progressive
OP posts:
Original poster
NotSureWhatToDoHelp · 04/03/2022 18:53

@Clymene

It's okay to reject a sexual partner for any reason.

You sound way too young and immature to get married frankly

Also - I'm not saying you HAVE to have sex with them, I'm just saying you're biphobic if that's the only reason you are no longer attracted to theM
OP posts:
Clymene · 04/03/2022 18:54

We are from different generations, yes. I've fucked way more people than you have.

I asked you why you're choosing to tell your fiancé now. You're about to marry him. You've ignored my posts about what I think the issues could be.

Good luck. You don't appear to want advice so that's all I can offer.

Comedycook · 04/03/2022 18:54

@TedMullins

It’s not rapey to suggest someone’s sexual preferences might be rooted in prejudice. Nobody is saying anyone has to force themselves to have sex with anyone they don’t want to but thinking about where these preferences came from and how they arose and doing a bit of self-examination is healthy.
I think sexual attraction is very difficult to explain and cannot necessarily be rationalised. I don't find blonde skinny men sexually attractive. That doesn't mean in day to day life I think negatively about them or that there is anything inherently wrong with them. If I was interviewing them for a job I wouldn't deny them the position based on their hair colour or weight.
georama · 04/03/2022 18:58

@bubblesbubbles11

"The only way you can know if someone's sexual orientation is if they tell you."

Nope not even if someone tells you.
I would guess that many many times people have told other people of their sexual orientation and it is not infact true for any number of reasons. Some reasons can be deception, some can simply be naieve, some can be because the person just does not know at the moment they are disclosing what their preferences actually are.

People lie about sexual preferences - maybe because they are in denial, maybe because they are experimenting, but i would sincerely hope that no one lies about their sexual preferences and agrees to do something sexual with someone because they felt (misplaced) shamed by someone who accused them of being biphobic

My point still stands. There are no "signs" someone is bisexual.
Original poster
NotSureWhatToDoHelp · 04/03/2022 18:59

@Clymene

We are from different generations, yes. I've fucked way more people than you have.

I asked you why you're choosing to tell your fiancé now. You're about to marry him. You've ignored my posts about what I think the issues could be.

Good luck. You don't appear to want advice so that's all I can offer.

You have no idea how many people I have fucked - and even so it makes absolutely no difference in this conversation
OP posts:
DoorWasAJar · 04/03/2022 19:02

Yes, I told my partner and he’s fine with it. Hasn’t changed anything and I’m not cheating on him or anything. If I wanted to kiss some lady at a party or something silly he would most likely be ok with it, we’re quite secure I suppose.

Siepie · 04/03/2022 19:04

I’m a lesbian. When I met my wife, she also thought she was a lesbian. A few years into our relationship, she told me she’d realised she was bi.

It didn’t affect our relationship at all. I strongly disagree with people saying not to tell him. I wasn’t upset that she’s bisexual, but would be very upset if I discovered that my partner felt she couldn’t speak openly with me.

As for how your fiancé will react, that really depends on him. Mumsnet often has quite a lot of casual homophobia and biphobia, but hopefully you already know what your fiancé’s attitude towards gay/bi people is.

Clymene · 04/03/2022 19:05

So basically you have already decided that if your fiancé has any issue with it, you'll shame him for being biphobic.

You sound like a peach 👍

scarpa · 04/03/2022 19:10

@Clymene

It's okay to reject a sexual partner for any reason.

You sound way too young and immature to get married frankly

People are free to reject a sexual partner, as you say, for any reason - thay doesn't change if that reason is rooted in bigotry, but it does still mean that the bigotry is present. It's not the 'not having sex with a bi person' that would be wrong, it would be the fact that until you knew they were bi you were sexually attracted to them and now you're not, and what that says about your view of non-heterosexual sexualities.

So many threads on here come up and I see a lot of - oh, I just wouldn't see him the same, I think it's gross, it'd make him less masculine etc etc. Someone on this thread said she'd feel sick at the thought. What does that say about their rigid ideas of masculinity? Nothing good, in my opinion. So yeah, don't fuck anyone you don't want to, but don't pretend sexual preferences are created in a vacuum - ESPECIALLY if someone was attracted before and that's the only thing that's changed.

DoorWasAJar · 04/03/2022 19:11

I bet you he might not even be surprised, mine wasn’t! I’m a bit queer I suppose, as in tomboyish in certain ways. But very ‘girly’ in others, I’ve been told I have a strange masculine and feminine energy. I have CPTSD and maybe on the spectrum so this colours some of my more ‘queer’ attitudes to various things and definitely my ‘style’/how I dress (comfort/ready for combat - but I love pink in my adult years - never had cute clothes as a little child so reliving my toddler years? 😃)

Anyway I digress, I think your DP will be thankful you’re honest with him!

whiteroseredrose · 04/03/2022 19:11

So you only want the views of people who, like your partner are 'open minded and forward thinking' just like you, and also you reckon it wouldn't bother you if he revealed something similar.

Then tell him. If you are like minded and it wouldn't upset you, then presumably he'll be fine with it too.

Disclaimer, I really wouldn't be ok with it myself.

DoorWasAJar · 04/03/2022 19:15

@Brainwave89

These days lots of people will have had relationships with women as well as men, so frankly I am not sure it is much of a deal. If you intend the relationship to be a commitment to each other I think that is fine. Are you sure you are bi and not gay though OP? If there is a risk of the later then I would think carefully. It is hard, but are you risking breaking his heart at some point?
If she was gay, she wouldn’t be with her DP, surely you understand this? I cannot believe what I’m reading.
Original poster
NotSureWhatToDoHelp · 04/03/2022 19:15

@Clymene

So basically you have already decided that if your fiancé has any issue with it, you'll shame him for being biphobic.

You sound like a peach 👍

He wouldn't be the person I thought he was

And yes I would tell him why my opinion of him was different

OP posts:
1forAll74 · 04/03/2022 19:19

i would not like to be in a bisexual relationshp. with someone who is bisexual.

Clymene · 04/03/2022 19:19

@scarpa - if you knew anything about homosexual sexualities, you'd know that if applies there, possibly a lot more than it does in heterosexual relationships.

I'm guessing you've never heard the phrase 'gold star lesbian'.

I'm sure there's a similar one for men.

And the reason I have such an issue with the OP's terminology is that it is exactly what men who identify as women say to lesbians who don't want to fuck them. That they're transphobic, that they're discriminating by genitalia. It's grooming.

Clymene · 04/03/2022 19:21

You should absolutely tell him then. Give him the choice of deciding whether he wants to be married to someone who is going to police his sexual preferences.

Original poster
NotSureWhatToDoHelp · 04/03/2022 19:23

@Clymene

You should absolutely tell him then. Give him the choice of deciding whether he wants to be married to someone who is going to police his sexual preferences.
This makes no sense!
OP posts:
PinkArt · 04/03/2022 19:24

Aaaargh, OP I'm so sorry you've been met with so many bierasing, biphobic and pretty offensive comments!

To answer your question I would want you to tell me and would be really pleased that our relationship was solid enough that you were happy to share that realisation with me. I've kind of been in your DP's position - albeit earlier in a relationship - with a BF telling me he's bi and that was my reaction at the time. If anything the only issue with my reaction was that I almost had no reaction - I think he had assumed it was going to be a much bigger deal for me to hear than it was!

However, you know your DP, and his likely reaction, better than anyone here. If he's likely to smile and say thanks for sharing then go for it. If he's like the posters who'd feel physically sick then it may be more complicated than that, but I'm not sure I'd be happy to stay in a relationship with someone who found something intrinsic about me so horrifying anyway.

booplefloof · 04/03/2022 19:25

@1forAll74

i would not like to be in a bisexual relationshp. with someone who is bisexual.
Relationships aren't bisexual. They are (typically) either open or monogamous. The people who make up the relationship may be bisexual (or other). How they conduct themselves affects the relationship, and in OP's case, she would like to inform her partner that she has realised she is bisexual. As she has stated, it does not affect her feelings towards her partner or mean that she has desires to be non monogamous. She simply wants to be honest about who she has realised she is.
YoBeaches · 04/03/2022 19:27

I think many women find other women attractive but aren't bisexual, because they dont have the urge for female to female sexual experiences.

If you dont have that desire, and have never had that desire, then you're not bisexual either.

If you might have that desire, tell him, and don't marry him. Because otherwise one day you will seek it out.

And he wouldn't be biphobic to be worried about that, and choose to end it either.

This is about you, your maturity, your refined for commitment. And you're about to throw a spanner in the works.

Original poster
NotSureWhatToDoHelp · 04/03/2022 19:27

@PinkArt

Aaaargh, OP I'm so sorry you've been met with so many bierasing, biphobic and pretty offensive comments! To answer your question I would want you to tell me and would be really pleased that our relationship was solid enough that you were happy to share that realisation with me. I've kind of been in your DP's position - albeit earlier in a relationship - with a BF telling me he's bi and that was my reaction at the time. If anything the only issue with my reaction was that I almost had no reaction - I think he had assumed it was going to be a much bigger deal for me to hear than it was! However, you know your DP, and his likely reaction, better than anyone here. If he's likely to smile and say thanks for sharing then go for it. If he's like the posters who'd feel physically sick then it may be more complicated than that, but I'm not sure I'd be happy to stay in a relationship with someone who found something intrinsic about me so horrifying anyway.
Thanks @PinkArt

I think even the somewhat nasty comments in this thread have helped me - I feel more confident than ever that my partner doesn't think like this. He is a super chill guy and will probably just shrug and say it's no big deal!

There have been some great responses speaking from personal experience - this is the sort of thing I was most interested in hearing about - from people who have been there themselves

:)

OP posts:
BobLep0nge · 04/03/2022 19:28

It is biphobic to be sexually attracted to someone one minute, then find out they are bi and not be attracted to them anymore SOLEY for that reason

Nope, it's just a persons preference of who they'll sleep with.

People are free to reject a sexual partner, as you say, for any reason

You don't really believe that though. You think a person is bigoted for rejecting bisexual people as sexual partners:

People on this thread seem to be trying to socially and emotionally pressure people into opening themselves up as some type of equal opportunity activity. It's unsavoury.

DoorWasAJar · 04/03/2022 19:28

@scarpa

‘People are free to reject a sexual partner, as you say, for any reason - thay doesn't change if that reason is rooted in bigotry, but it does still mean that the bigotry is present. It's not the 'not having sex with a bi person' that would be wrong, it would be the fact that until you knew they were bi you were sexually attracted to them and now you're not, and what that says about your view of non-heterosexual sexualities.

So many threads on here come up and I see a lot of - oh, I just wouldn't see him the same, I think it's gross, it'd make him less masculine etc etc. Someone on this thread said she'd feel sick at the thought. What does that say about their rigid ideas of masculinity? Nothing good, in my opinion. So yeah, don't fuck anyone you don't want to, but don't pretend sexual preferences are created in a vacuum - ESPECIALLY if someone was attracted before and that's the only thing that's changed’

Succinctly put, Scarpa! I couldn’t have put it better. I always admire people who can patiently explain things like this, I just get high blood pressure and can’t understand how people can be so wilfully obtuse 😃

Original poster
NotSureWhatToDoHelp · 04/03/2022 19:33

[quote DoorWasAJar]@scarpa

‘People are free to reject a sexual partner, as you say, for any reason - thay doesn't change if that reason is rooted in bigotry, but it does still mean that the bigotry is present. It's not the 'not having sex with a bi person' that would be wrong, it would be the fact that until you knew they were bi you were sexually attracted to them and now you're not, and what that says about your view of non-heterosexual sexualities.

So many threads on here come up and I see a lot of - oh, I just wouldn't see him the same, I think it's gross, it'd make him less masculine etc etc. Someone on this thread said she'd feel sick at the thought. What does that say about their rigid ideas of masculinity? Nothing good, in my opinion. So yeah, don't fuck anyone you don't want to, but don't pretend sexual preferences are created in a vacuum - ESPECIALLY if someone was attracted before and that's the only thing that's changed’

Succinctly put, Scarpa! I couldn’t have put it better. I always admire people who can patiently explain things like this, I just get high blood pressure and can’t understand how people can be so wilfully obtuse 😃[/quote]
@DoorWasAJar

Me too! I try my best but it has been said much more eloquently here

OP posts: