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Original poster

To ask WWYD - if your partner came out as bisexual

303 replies

NotSureWhatToDoHelp · 04/03/2022 12:08

Name change for obvious reasons

I just want to know what you would do if..

  • you are male
  • You had been in a (straight) relationship since you were 17
  • you are now 25 and have a home and pets with your girlfriend, and are getting married this year
  • your girlfriend told you she loved you and you're her soul mate and wants to be with you and continue in the relationship, but thinks she is bisexual??

Basically doesn't want to end the relationship is super happy and everything but just feels like in the last couple of years have realised they are bisexual - and feels like they have to at least tell their future husband or it's like hiding a part of you???

(Yes suprise suprise I am the girlfriend)

I don't know whether to tell my partner or not basically because it won't actually change anything? I just feel like I'm hiding something but like am I ??? Is it ok to not say anything??

My boyfriend is absolutely not homophobic in any way , we aren't religious or anything etc

Thoughts please

OP posts:
Comedycook · 04/03/2022 18:19

Calling you out so you can be aware of your own biphobia and hopefully want to do better??

How do you propose that someone who doesn't want to date a bisexual person "does better"?

TedMullins · 04/03/2022 18:20

@bubblesbubbles11

"This is probably the most hilarious thing I’ve read today. Trust me, people who have an aversion to bisexual people are literally the last people bisexual people would want to sleep with."

So what is your goal of going round accusing people of being biphobic then TedMullins?

Do you honestly think bisexual people could be sexually attracted to someone who describes their sexuality as ‘a turn off’, ‘makes them feel sick’ and whatever else we’ve had on here today? Do you really think bisexuals are trying to conquer the world and make everyone else they encounter turn bisexual? Or - as someone of a more rational mind might think - maybe they just want to encourage people to examine their own prejudices. Someone who found bisexuality to be a problem would instantly become deeply unattractive to me based on their views, so it’s actually astonishingly narcissistic to think any bisexual person would actually try and cultivate a sexual relationship with anyone who thought that way. but if by questioning them I could encourage a bit of self-analysis about whether prejudice is at their heart of those feelings, it might do some good. Judging by your responses though it seems throwing up ludicrous straw men and conspiracy theories is the more likely outcome.
saltinesandcoffeecups · 04/03/2022 18:20

Crud posted too soon. It’s irrelevant what anyone thinks about being in a relationship with someone who is bisexual, except you and your partner. So all this discussion is interesting in the academic sense but totally useless to you in your current dilemma.

You aren’t in a relationship with TedMullins or bubblesbubbles11, you are in a relationship with your partner. Their opinion and yours is the only ones that count.

bubblesbubbles11 · 04/03/2022 18:21

OP

" So your thoughts are not the ones I came to find"

If you came to find specific thoughts and not others, why did you post on an open chatboard? Would it not be better to post on a chatboard where the posters all have the same opinion on things - for example calling out everyone they see being "biphobic"?

Hayisforhorse · 04/03/2022 18:22

My advice would be - be casual but do make sure you get the information across clearly. I'm mainly heterosexual but mildly bi-leaning and I thought DH knew that a few years ago. Appears he didn't. Wasn't paying attention or something. But when I told him (for the second time) he didn't seem bothered about it at all. We're in a monogamous relationship and this doesn't change that, and he knows that and is secure.

He knew I was a big ally though, and has himself moved from being fairly homo/biphobic to very accepting over the years, so hopefully it wasn't too big a surprise. Hopefully your chap will be as accepting.

bubblesbubbles11 · 04/03/2022 18:25

"it’s actually astonishingly narcissistic to think any bisexual person would actually try and cultivate a sexual relationship with anyone who thought that way"

I don't think a bisexual person would try to cultivate a sexual relationship with someone who expressly said they were only attracted to heterosexual people who were themselves only attracted to heterosexual people.

You still have not answered how calling out people you say are "biphobic" makes them "do better".

What is your answer to my post Fri 04-Mar-22 18:18:50?

Alisae · 04/03/2022 18:27

Calling you out so you can be aware of your own biphobia and hopefully want to do better?????

do better

What exactly does ‘do better’ in this scenario mean @NotSureWhatToDoHelp?

This scenario where people are discussing their own personal sexual preferences.

Should they start to lie about not wanting to have sex with a bisexual person?

Should they force themselves in the future to be open to having a relationship with a bisexual person, even if the idea of having sex with that person is personally repulsive to them (note: this is that the idea of sex is repulsive, NOT the person themselves. Most people understand the difference).

They are discussing their OWN personal preference, how do you propose they ‘do better’?

If you are genuine, and not just posting to stir up a bun fight, then I wish you all the best. You seem to think your fiancé will be happy, I hope that is the case for you. But I stand by what I’ve said.

I don’t think he’d be ‘phobic’ if he wanted to take a step back and consider things.

I don’t think my nephew was phobic for describing the idea of sex with a woman as ‘nauseating’.

I don’t think my college friend was phobic for saying she would only date lesbians who had never been with a man.

Original poster
NotSureWhatToDoHelp · 04/03/2022 18:30

@bubblesbubbles11

OP

" So your thoughts are not the ones I came to find"

If you came to find specific thoughts and not others, why did you post on an open chatboard? Would it not be better to post on a chatboard where the posters all have the same opinion on things - for example calling out everyone they see being "biphobic"?

I came to figure out how I might expect my partner to respond

I.e open minded, forward thinking individuals - as both myself and my partner are those things

I can post for advice and filter what I do and don't want to take on board. I don't want to take on board this persons opinion as it is not relevant to my situation

OP posts:
Midlifemusings · 04/03/2022 18:32

I would definitely want to know my future spouse's sexual orientation. I think keeping something like that from them would be a deal breaker for many people - more so than the sexual orientation itself. It is a significant aspect of identity.

Also I would want to know how my partner came to know this about themselves and how they feel about knowing something about their own identity that they can't explore or act on once in a commitment that is intended to be lifelong. I am not going to be able to meet the sexual needs or desires they have for same sex partners and so are they really sure they want to sacrifice that part of themselves without ever having explored it.

So yes, if my husband to be was bisexual and had sexual desires for men and was aroused by men and fantasized about being with men and performing sexual acts with men - I would want to know that. It is pretty significant as I can not meet any of those needs.

Clymene · 04/03/2022 18:32

@WonderfulYou

If my partner told me this at the beginning of the relationship I wouldn’t think anything of it but would be concerned why they hadn’t told me sooner.

However honestly if it had been over a year and then they told me I would assume he was more gay than bi and basically he’s saying that he’s increasingly more attracted to men than me - so I would be prepared for him to end the relationship in the next couple of years to be with a man.

Yep this is my take on it too.

FWIW I'm bisexual.

YukoandHiro · 04/03/2022 18:33

I only worked out that I was bisexual after I married a man. Still with him, still happy. I just realised that a few of my teen experiences/emotions weren't just something that happened to everyone.
I did tell my husband but kind of very casually. He's unfussed.
It makes no difference as I'm in the right relationship. Having said that I am aware that if he died or left I probably would be open to exploring that side of myself a little.

Original poster
NotSureWhatToDoHelp · 04/03/2022 18:33

@Alisae

Calling you out so you can be aware of your own biphobia and hopefully want to do better?????

do better

What exactly does ‘do better’ in this scenario mean @NotSureWhatToDoHelp?

This scenario where people are discussing their own personal sexual preferences.

Should they start to lie about not wanting to have sex with a bisexual person?

Should they force themselves in the future to be open to having a relationship with a bisexual person, even if the idea of having sex with that person is personally repulsive to them (note: this is that the idea of sex is repulsive, NOT the person themselves. Most people understand the difference).

They are discussing their OWN personal preference, how do you propose they ‘do better’?

If you are genuine, and not just posting to stir up a bun fight, then I wish you all the best. You seem to think your fiancé will be happy, I hope that is the case for you. But I stand by what I’ve said.

I don’t think he’d be ‘phobic’ if he wanted to take a step back and consider things.

I don’t think my nephew was phobic for describing the idea of sex with a woman as ‘nauseating’.

I don’t think my college friend was phobic for saying she would only date lesbians who had never been with a man.

Your nephew is gay ... so doesn't want to have sex with a women (whether that woman is gay, straight, bi etc - ANY woman).

Bubbles is saying she the thought of having sex with a bisexual man makes her feel sick - she is saying that she might find a man sexually attractive, but then if later found out that man was bisexual, that fact alone would make her feel sick and not want to have sex with them

That's the difference

I am hoping that someone might be able to use the above reasoning to find flaws in their own view point and 'do better' I.e understand why they feel that way, not project it onto others and try and change their way of thought to one that does not judge a person solely on sexuality

OP posts:
BobLep0nge · 04/03/2022 18:36

Calling you out so you can be aware of your own biphobia and hopefully want to do better??

maybe they just want to encourage people to examine their own prejudices

This ^ type of language is creepy and coercive. People can discount people from their sexual dating/relationship pool for any reason whatsoever. It's not biphobic to not wish to date a bisexual anymore than it's transphobic to not want to date a trans person or fatphobic for not wanting an overweight person, it just is what it is.

Original poster
NotSureWhatToDoHelp · 04/03/2022 18:38

@BobLep0nge

Calling you out so you can be aware of your own biphobia and hopefully want to do better??

maybe they just want to encourage people to examine their own prejudices

This ^ type of language is creepy and coercive. People can discount people from their sexual dating/relationship pool for any reason whatsoever. It's not biphobic to not wish to date a bisexual anymore than it's transphobic to not want to date a trans person or fatphobic for not wanting an overweight person, it just is what it is.

I mean personally I think extremely lowly of somebody that would leave someone if they became overweight

We're all different I suppose - I would encourage a lot of people on this thread to open their minds a little

OP posts:
neverbeenskiing · 04/03/2022 18:39

If my DH told me he was Bisexual when we first got together I wouldn't have cared. If he was to tell me now that he had only recently realised he was bisexual, after years of being in a monogamous relationship with me, I would find that unsettling. Not because I have any problem with Bisexuality (I don't) but because I would worry that not having the opportunity to explore that side of his sexuality would become an issue over time. No matter how much he insisted that he was still happy and fulfilled in the relationship now, I would worry about the future. Forever is a long time. I don't believe he would cheat on me but he might feel increasingly unfulfilled and frustrated as time goes on, and the realisation sets in that being married to me means he will never get to experience or explore his sexuality fully.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 04/03/2022 18:40

So now your using this as a forum to pontificate your views. Gotcha. Good luck OP, I sincerely wish you all the best.

And will take one last opportunity to encourage you to be open and honest in your relationship. Because otherwise you will only be hiding an important piece* of yourself and risking hurting the man you say you love and want to spend the rest of your life with.

*this is true for things other than your sexual preferences

Alisae · 04/03/2022 18:43

@NotSureWhatToDoHelp I notice you rather conveniently left out my college friend who only wanted to date ‘gold standard’ lesbians.

What was she phobic of?

And I disagree. I would also not want to have sex with a man I found out had/wanted sex with other men, even if I had had sex with them before.

No bisexual person should be discriminated against, denied work or healthcare or be the subject of a hate crime because of their sexuality.

BUT:

Every person, every single person, has sexual preferences in a partner. Be that their appearance, attributes, sexuality, gender, race, anything. Private sexual relations are not governed by the equality act, and discrimination in this particular area is most certainly allowed!

And there is nothing wrong or phobic with that.

Original poster
NotSureWhatToDoHelp · 04/03/2022 18:44

@saltinesandcoffeecups

So now your using this as a forum to pontificate your views. Gotcha. Good luck OP, I sincerely wish you all the best.

And will take one last opportunity to encourage you to be open and honest in your relationship. Because otherwise you will only be hiding an important piece* of yourself and risking hurting the man you say you love and want to spend the rest of your life with.

*this is true for things other than your sexual preferences

@saltinesandcoffeecups

Yep I have said I am going to discuss it with him

It's a difficult really there have been rather a lot of not so nice replies to this thread (not sure if you have read the whole or not), and obviously I am going through a personal issue here - so it isn't easy to remove the emotion in my responses

OP posts:
Clymene · 04/03/2022 18:45

Oh god. Just saw your do better thing. Sod off.

Anyone is allowed to reject any sexual partner for any reason whatsoever.

It's rapey shit to suggest otherwise.

Original poster
NotSureWhatToDoHelp · 04/03/2022 18:47

[quote Alisae]@NotSureWhatToDoHelp I notice you rather conveniently left out my college friend who only wanted to date ‘gold standard’ lesbians.

What was she phobic of?

And I disagree. I would also not want to have sex with a man I found out had/wanted sex with other men, even if I had had sex with them before.

No bisexual person should be discriminated against, denied work or healthcare or be the subject of a hate crime because of their sexuality.

BUT:

Every person, every single person, has sexual preferences in a partner. Be that their appearance, attributes, sexuality, gender, race, anything. Private sexual relations are not governed by the equality act, and discrimination in this particular area is most certainly allowed!

And there is nothing wrong or phobic with that.[/quote]
Apologies for missing that out - I am on my phone so can't read your message as I reply

I personally think that your friend is biphobic - and think many lesbians would agree that it is not ok to judge a person based on if they had sex with a man before they came out. There could many many personal reasons as to why they might have done that - coming out is easier for some and harder for others

OP posts:
Original poster
NotSureWhatToDoHelp · 04/03/2022 18:48

@Clymene

Oh god. Just saw your do better thing. Sod off.

Anyone is allowed to reject any sexual partner for any reason whatsoever.

It's rapey shit to suggest otherwise.

Nope - only rapey if you force them into sexual actions..

It is biphobic to be sexually attracted to someone one minute, then find out they are bi and not be attracted to them anymore SOLEY for that reason

OP posts:
Clymene · 04/03/2022 18:49

Nope.

TedMullins · 04/03/2022 18:50

It’s not rapey to suggest someone’s sexual preferences might be rooted in prejudice. Nobody is saying anyone has to force themselves to have sex with anyone they don’t want to but thinking about where these preferences came from and how they arose and doing a bit of self-examination is healthy.

Clymene · 04/03/2022 18:50

It's okay to reject a sexual partner for any reason.

You sound way too young and immature to get married frankly

Alisae · 04/03/2022 18:52

I personally think that your friend is biphobic - and think many lesbians would agree that it is not ok to judge a person based on if they had sex with a man before they came out. There could many many personal reasons as to why they might have done that - coming out is easier for some and harder for others

Of course it would not be ok to ‘judge’ a woman for having sex with a man before she came to term with the fact she was a lesbian!

This is the important thing though. My friend did NOT judge these women (and they did not refer to themselves as bi, they considered themselves lesbian). She just didn’t find them sexually attractive, if she knew they’d had sex with a man.

And not one person thought my friend should be ‘educated’ out of her own preferences. They were hers.

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