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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask WWYD - if your partner came out as bisexual

303 replies

NotSureWhatToDoHelp · 04/03/2022 12:08

Name change for obvious reasons

I just want to know what you would do if..

  • you are male
  • You had been in a (straight) relationship since you were 17
  • you are now 25 and have a home and pets with your girlfriend, and are getting married this year
  • your girlfriend told you she loved you and you're her soul mate and wants to be with you and continue in the relationship, but thinks she is bisexual??

Basically doesn't want to end the relationship is super happy and everything but just feels like in the last couple of years have realised they are bisexual - and feels like they have to at least tell their future husband or it's like hiding a part of you???

(Yes suprise suprise I am the girlfriend)

I don't know whether to tell my partner or not basically because it won't actually change anything? I just feel like I'm hiding something but like am I ??? Is it ok to not say anything??

My boyfriend is absolutely not homophobic in any way , we aren't religious or anything etc

Thoughts please

OP posts:
BadNomad · 04/03/2022 19:33

Of course a characteristic that makes you "feel sick" is phobic. That has nothing to do with attraction or preference. Feeling sick is a response, a reaction. I'm not attracted to short men, but I don't feel sick at the thought of them. I'm not attracted to fat women, but they don't make me feel sick. It's fine to not date a bisexual person, but saying it's because the thought makes you feel sick IS biphobic.

DoorWasAJar · 04/03/2022 19:34

And OP, I was 17 when I got married, my DH was same age and it never split us up. We broke up around 9 years later for other reasons. People saying you’re not mature enough are ridiculous, what’s immature about wanting to be honest with your partner? That’s not the same as pressuring people to have sex with you whether they want to or not, where are PP getting this from Confused

DoorWasAJar · 04/03/2022 19:36

@1forAll74

i would not like to be in a bisexual relationshp. with someone who is bisexual.
ummm... lol? 😖
bubblesbubbles11 · 04/03/2022 19:36

"Bubbles is saying she the thought of having sex with a bisexual man makes her feel sick - she is saying that she might find a man sexually attractive, but then if later found out that man was bisexual, that fact alone would make her feel sick and not want to have sex with them"

Just to be absolutely clear you are saying the above is biphobic and I must "do better" by forcing myself to not feel sick at the idea that the person who I thought was heterosexual and had never mentioned they were bisexual or attracted to men - when i find out they are infact bisexual and have previously and might in the future have sex with men. And that it would be biphobic for me to not to want to continue having sex with them once I found out that they had and might in the future have sex with men?

And that is how I can "do better". Have i got that right?

DoorWasAJar · 04/03/2022 19:38

@Clymene

You should absolutely tell him then. Give him the choice of deciding whether he wants to be married to someone who is going to police his sexual preferences.
The irony 😭
DoorWasAJar · 04/03/2022 19:39

@bubblesbubbles11 It looks to me that your problem would be the fact that he lied, and wants to cheat on you. That’s completely different from OP’s actual situation.

bubblesbubbles11 · 04/03/2022 19:40

"Of course a characteristic that makes you "feel sick" is phobic. That has nothing to do with attraction or preference. Feeling sick is a response, a reaction."

I don't "feel sick" at the idea or the existence of bisexual people.

I feel sick that someone is telling me that I must continue in a sexual relationship with someone irrespective of subsquently discovering they are bisexual (after I have started having sex with them) because to prefer not to continue to have sex with them makes me biphobic.

BuyDirt · 04/03/2022 19:41

Not finding someone sexually attractive does not equal phobic. Sexual attraction isn't really explainable, we all find different things attractive and unattractive. It’s the one are part of our lives where it’s ok to choose or not choose people based on sexuality, sex, race, age etc. And that’s because sexual attraction isn’t a choice. You either like something or you don’t and you don’t have to align with the equality act when it comes to romantic relationships.

ThatsBullshirt · 04/03/2022 19:42

I've been with my DH for almost almost 17 years after we got together as teenagers and in the last year or two (in my thirties) I realised I'm probably bisexual. I told him as soon as I was aware of it and it didn't make one single difference because the truth of the matter is I choose him. I choose him to be with and be married to him. I have no desire to explore this part of my sexuality but only acknowledge that I'm attracted to girls too.

I think it only really matters if you want to explore that aspect of your sexuality but if you are happy with him and don't want anything to change then I think telling him is just accepting who you are.

Comedycook · 04/03/2022 19:42

@BuyDirt

Not finding someone sexually attractive does not equal phobic. Sexual attraction isn't really explainable, we all find different things attractive and unattractive. It’s the one are part of our lives where it’s ok to choose or not choose people based on sexuality, sex, race, age etc. And that’s because sexual attraction isn’t a choice. You either like something or you don’t and you don’t have to align with the equality act when it comes to romantic relationships.
Well said
BobLep0nge · 04/03/2022 19:43

Not finding someone sexually attractive does not equal phobic. Sexual attraction isn't really explainable, we all find different things attractive and unattractive. It’s the one are part of our lives where it’s ok to choose or not choose people based on sexuality, sex, race, age etc. And that’s because sexual attraction isn’t a choice. You either like something or you don’t and you don’t have to align with the equality act when it comes to romantic relationships

This^.

bubblesbubbles11 · 04/03/2022 19:43

" It's fine to not date a bisexual person, but saying it's because the thought makes you feel sick IS biphobic."

I never said the thought of dating a bisexual person makes me feel sick
I said having sex with someone who is bisexual and says they are bisexual and have slept with same sex people in the past and may do so in the future is not something I want to the point where I feel repelled by the idea of sex with that person. If that makes me biphobic then I am speechless.

Clymene · 04/03/2022 19:44

@BuyDirt

Not finding someone sexually attractive does not equal phobic. Sexual attraction isn't really explainable, we all find different things attractive and unattractive. It’s the one are part of our lives where it’s ok to choose or not choose people based on sexuality, sex, race, age etc. And that’s because sexual attraction isn’t a choice. You either like something or you don’t and you don’t have to align with the equality act when it comes to romantic relationships.
👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Savvysix1984 · 04/03/2022 19:48

Op what would you like to achieve out of telling him? What would be a good outcome?

For me I'd be worried that my partner didn't find me as attractive as before and that potentially i wasn't able to satisfy them sexually. I would worry that down the line they would feel unfulfilled within the relationship. From my dh perspective it might make him feel 'jealous' of my female friend relationships (I have a big female friendship group whom I am very close to, where some females are gay/ bi).

Imo I think it's a conversation you need to have though with him as it's obviously playing on your mind enough to post. I wouldn't want to start a marriage with something hanging over my head.

Original poster
NotSureWhatToDoHelp · 04/03/2022 19:49

@bubblesbubbles11

"Bubbles is saying she the thought of having sex with a bisexual man makes her feel sick - she is saying that she might find a man sexually attractive, but then if later found out that man was bisexual, that fact alone would make her feel sick and not want to have sex with them"

Just to be absolutely clear you are saying the above is biphobic and I must "do better" by forcing myself to not feel sick at the idea that the person who I thought was heterosexual and had never mentioned they were bisexual or attracted to men - when i find out they are infact bisexual and have previously and might in the future have sex with men. And that it would be biphobic for me to not to want to continue having sex with them once I found out that they had and might in the future have sex with men?

And that is how I can "do better". Have i got that right?

That is exactly what I'm saying!

Im absolutely baffled that you can't see your own ignorance

OP posts:
Clymene · 04/03/2022 19:51

My position makes complete sense @NotSureWhatToDoHelp

If you were telling him because you felt you needed to be honest about your sexuality, I'd wonder why it had taken 7 years to tell me. So I'd wonder if you were telling me because you wanted to explore that side of yourself. That's hurtful I'd think given you've been together since you were children. I'd probably end the relationship because I wouldn't think you were ready to make a lifelong commitment, given you haven't explored that part of your sexuality.

If you were telling him to check his thinking which is what you seem to be suggesting, I'd think you were a bit of an arsehole and not who I thought you were so I'd probably end the relationship.

Original poster
NotSureWhatToDoHelp · 04/03/2022 19:58

@Clymene

My position makes complete sense *@NotSureWhatToDoHelp*

If you were telling him because you felt you needed to be honest about your sexuality, I'd wonder why it had taken 7 years to tell me. So I'd wonder if you were telling me because you wanted to explore that side of yourself. That's hurtful I'd think given you've been together since you were children. I'd probably end the relationship because I wouldn't think you were ready to make a lifelong commitment, given you haven't explored that part of your sexuality.

If you were telling him to check his thinking which is what you seem to be suggesting, I'd think you were a bit of an arsehole and not who I thought you were so I'd probably end the relationship.

Thanks for your opinion

I don't think you have read the full thread as you have mentioned some things previously covered

OP posts:
bubblesbubbles11 · 04/03/2022 20:04

NotSureWhatToDoHelp Fri 04-Mar-22 19:49:39

OMG.

Well I sincerley hope your partner is not biphobic as you define it because if he does start to have feelings which deviate from your post NotSureWhatToDoHelp Fri 04-Mar-22 19:49:39 I predict the end of your relationship in the foreseeable future and it will go down with FIREWORKS (namely you screaming blue murder at him that he owes you the relationship because not to stay in it because you are bisexual makes him biphobic). Good luck.

Original poster
NotSureWhatToDoHelp · 04/03/2022 20:06

@bubblesbubbles11

NotSureWhatToDoHelp Fri 04-Mar-22 19:49:39

OMG.

Well I sincerley hope your partner is not biphobic as you define it because if he does start to have feelings which deviate from your post NotSureWhatToDoHelp Fri 04-Mar-22 19:49:39 I predict the end of your relationship in the foreseeable future and it will go down with FIREWORKS (namely you screaming blue murder at him that he owes you the relationship because not to stay in it because you are bisexual makes him biphobic). Good luck.

I don't think you understand my points so we can just leave it there!
OP posts:
FlasherMcGruff · 04/03/2022 20:11

I knew I was bisexual years before I slept with women. I knew that women and men alike interested me. Like you, I just did. Same way straight people know the same sex doesn’t. I’m married to a man and he knows and doesn’t care or even ask me about it. Talk to your partner. It’s not a confession - it’s just an intimacy. Tell him that you realise that you aren’t heterosexual because you aren’t adverse to the idea of being with a woman, but know nothing will happen as you’re in a relationship with him. It’s cool that he’s chilled about sexuality.

Clymene · 04/03/2022 20:15

I think we all understand you. Good luck to your husband.

FlasherMcGruff · 04/03/2022 20:15

@CoastalWave

Why is everyone bisexual these days?! Why make such a deal out of it? Presume you're planning on marrying him and staying faithful. Can't some things just remain private!
What a stupid comment. You think straight people force themselves to have sex with the same sex simply to declare themselves bisexual? Invent attraction for the same sex that isn’t there for attention? What a bloody stupid comment. It’s not ‘making a deal’ out of it. It’s recognising it rather than saying you are straight when you are not. What’s wrong with recognising it?
FlasherMcGruff · 04/03/2022 20:19

@BobLep0nge

Not finding someone sexually attractive does not equal phobic. Sexual attraction isn't really explainable, we all find different things attractive and unattractive. It’s the one are part of our lives where it’s ok to choose or not choose people based on sexuality, sex, race, age etc. And that’s because sexual attraction isn’t a choice. You either like something or you don’t and you don’t have to align with the equality act when it comes to romantic relationships

This^.

Agree. ‘Phobic’ is a word thrown around by idiots these days. I’m bisexual and I’m not attracted to bisexual men. I can’t work it out. I’m just not. I’m not biphobic though. Just not attracted.
Original poster
NotSureWhatToDoHelp · 04/03/2022 20:22

@Clymene

I think we all understand you. Good luck to your husband.
😅😅😅
OP posts:
BuyDirt · 04/03/2022 20:26

Finding someone unattractive for any reason is not a behaviour that needs to be corrected OP.

I think the point of this thread was to tell everyone to ‘do better’, which is creepy AF when that means telling people they should be willing to be intimate with people they are not attracted to.