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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He has spoiled my birthday to accommodate his ex

618 replies

RuRue · 04/03/2022 11:05

It's my birthday next weekend, for the first time in years I made plans. I haven't really bothered with my last few birthdays, a few reasons for that really, depression, finances etc. I don't usually drink but planned to have a few glasses of wine at home on Friday when the kids go to bed, bit of a pamper, long bubble bath then spend the day on Saturday with my DM. Bit of shopping, she was going to treat me to lunch etc. Child free.

The above was encouraged OH who said he wanted me to have some "me" time and time off mum duties (3 young DC who I care for almost single handedly due to his work). He booked the Friday and Saturday off work well in advance to accommodate.

Yesterday on the way home from taking DSC home he rings me and says his ex asked him if he will have the kids overnight next Friday as an extra contact, so she can go and spend the night at her mum's for a break.

He didn't bother to consult me, just told her yes and told me after the fact.

FWIW she gets plenty of breaks, her kids are in school FT and she gets help from family. I get none.

This now means my plans are down the drain because there's no way he'll cope with all 6 on his own. I'm always expected to be present when his kids come.. which I'm fine with during the scheduled days but I don't want to sacrifice my birthday.

After discussing it at length he thinks the best compromise is that I go and stay at a premier inn with the youngest for my "break" and he'll juggle the rest on his own, like that's doing me a favour.

So just another night of night feeds and broken sleep, just in a shitty hotel and not my own surroundings. That's not a treat for me.

Please, no comments about the amount of children or the trademark "why did you have kids with this man" it's not helpful and just sticks the boot in.

I love the kids, I just want one thing for myself after making sacrifices for years to accommodate his ex on her jollies, concerts, impromptu visits to friends and family etc.

He has been an arse hasn't he? AIBU?

OP posts:
litlealligator · 04/03/2022 11:07

Of course he's being an arse. Just say no. Go stay at the premier Inn on your own and if he needs help, he'll need to rope someone else in. Otherwise this will keep happening.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 04/03/2022 11:08

Yes he has. Go off on your own, whether it's to a Premier inn or to your mum's. He will cope with them all on his own because he'll have to. What would happen if you were ill and admitted to hospital or similar? Tell him now you're going to keep to your original plan.

SpacePotato · 04/03/2022 11:08

Go anyway and leave him to it.
His mess to deal with. Bet ex knew damn well it was your bday too. It won't be a coincidence.

JustLyra · 04/03/2022 11:09

He will cope with all 6 on his own because he’ll have to.

Just leave him to it.

Obira · 04/03/2022 11:09

I’d happily go to a hotel on my own and leave him with all six kids. If he can’t cope then he’ll need to make his own arrangements and cancel with his ex if necessary. Do not take the youngest with you. Just go and leave him to sort out the situation that he has created.

BruceAndNosh · 04/03/2022 11:09

No, you get him to tell his ex it's not convenient.

LosingTheWill2022 · 04/03/2022 11:10

Yes, he's being an arse Flowers

Abaababa · 04/03/2022 11:10

Oh hun, yes he’s been a total arse, YANBU.

Is he always like this? Why do you come second to his ex in terms of priority?

Can he arrange for grandparents to take his children that weekend?

Sorry you are going through this. If worst comes to worst, plan another weekend for your bday but have a serious think about your marriage and it’s dynamics.

Original poster
RuRue · 04/03/2022 11:11

I don't really feel comfortable leaving the youngest with him when he's got all of the others on his own. His older kids are too rowdy, run riot and there's always accidents.

He claims she had no idea it was my birthday. We've been together 6 years, she will know fine well when my birthday is because the kids get me cards.

OP posts:
MiddleParking · 04/03/2022 11:11

YA only BU not to have just told him no, it’s not happening. A premier inn with the youngest. Fuck me.

JustLyra · 04/03/2022 11:13

@RuRue

I don't really feel comfortable leaving the youngest with him when he's got all of the others on his own. His older kids are too rowdy, run riot and there's always accidents.

He claims she had no idea it was my birthday. We've been together 6 years, she will know fine well when my birthday is because the kids get me cards.

It doesn’t matter if she knew or not - he knew.

He’s trying to deflect the blame, but this is his choice. He could have said “Sorry we have plans, I could do next week/week after” but he chose not to.

Would your mum mind your youngest for a night?

MyCatEatsPrawnCrackers · 04/03/2022 11:13

He agreed to look after your 3 children and then agreed to look after the three children with his ex. Therefore he gets to look after all 6 of them while you go to a Premier Inn on your own and then out with you mum on the Saturday as planned. Do not compromise.

Muststopeating · 04/03/2022 11:13

I know you said not to comment on number of kids but since HE chose to have 6 kids then HE should be able to look after them all! Damn sure a mum would be expected to!

Go, have your break! The notion that he changed the schedule so she could have a break at the expense of yours is horrible. He could have done that any other weekend.

Original poster
RuRue · 04/03/2022 11:13

@BruceAndNosh

No, you get him to tell his ex it's not convenient.
I wish it was that simple.

The reason she wants him to have the kids is because there's a member of her family down there that isn't allowed contact with children. Big messy backstory.

Essentially if I say no way, and she takes them and they're around that person.. I'll be made to feel responsible as it was avoidable.

Even though she claims that person is no longer on the scene, I don't quite believe it.

OP posts:
DoNotTouchTheWater · 04/03/2022 11:14

Thing is, the problem is more than the immediate how to make sure you get a break for your birthday.

It’s that he put his ex’s wants before you (and your birthday). Or, actually, he decided that your plans didn’t matter and he couldn’t be bothered not just doing what his ex asked. That’s not OK and it’s part of a bigger pattern where you and your needs come last in so many ways.

It’s worth thinking about how you can better asset your boundaries here. And make it clear to him what is not acceptable.

JustLyra · 04/03/2022 11:15

Essentially if I say no way, and she takes them and they're around that person.. I'll be made to feel responsible as it was avoidable.

You will not be responsible.

This guy is immense at shifting blame. Her fault she didn’t remember your birthday. Yours if she does this…

This isn’t on you.

AlternativePerspective · 04/03/2022 11:15

No, you get him to tell his ex it's not convenient. I disagree. They’re his kids. If he’s agreed to have them then it’s not down to him to tell his ex it’s inconvenient because his DP isn’t there. It’s up to him to look after the kids he’s agreed to look after.

I’d be telling him in no uncertain terms that there isn’t going to be a compromise. If he can’t look after 6 kids on his own then he can tell his ex no. But if he feels he can’t say no to having his other kids, then he just needs to be able to look after them all on his own.

Original poster
RuRue · 04/03/2022 11:15

I think personally he should be telling her she has to go another time, why he hasn't done that I don't know. I suspect because she will say nope, not rearranging, and he knows I'm the mug who will take it on the chin and adapt my plans accordingly.

OP posts:
NorthSouthcatlady · 04/03/2022 11:16

He’s taking the piss and is prioritising her over you. I would either push for original plan or leave him to all 6. Personally l would push for the original plan

BobblyBlueJumper · 04/03/2022 11:16

I would go mad at him actually OP.

Why haven't you? Give him a bloody rocket.

You have pre existing plans, which he knew about. He didn't consult you. Your plans are now changing to accommodate his bloody ex. On your birthday!

DoNotTouchTheWater · 04/03/2022 11:17

Essentially if I say no way, and she takes them and they're around that person.. I'll be made to feel responsible as it was avoidable.

So you are the scapegoat. He’s got a problem with his ex and fears she won’t safeguard the children. But somehow it’s your fault?

Honestly, a good counsellor who understands stepfamily dynamics would really help here. He needs to recognise that it’s not ok to use you as a scapegoat rather than tackle the problems with his ex.

AgentJohnson · 04/03/2022 11:17

If he can’t cope with six kids, he shouldn’t have had six kids.

His Ex isn’t the problem and you comparing your lack of support with her similarly abundance of support is silly. Having little time to yourself is one of the pitfalls of your situation. Go to the Premiere Inn!

JustLyra · 04/03/2022 11:17

@RuRue

I think personally he should be telling her she has to go another time, why he hasn't done that I don't know. I suspect because she will say nope, not rearranging, and he knows I'm the mug who will take it on the chin and adapt my plans accordingly.
So don’t.

Leave him with the kids unless you are accepting this is how it is going forward.

If you change your plans you’ll always be expected to change your plans.

Chilledchablis1 · 04/03/2022 11:18

I assume these are all his children ? Then he can look after them all !

Igotmylipstickon · 04/03/2022 11:18

Yes he is being an arse. For a start he booked the time off well in advance for this, so how could he not know it was your birthday?

Let him take responsibility for his own actions and look after all of the children. You can be sure that this situation won't happen again.

Could you go to your DM's on Friday night and have some wine with her before your shopping trip?