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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He has spoiled my birthday to accommodate his ex

618 replies

RuRue · 04/03/2022 11:05

It's my birthday next weekend, for the first time in years I made plans. I haven't really bothered with my last few birthdays, a few reasons for that really, depression, finances etc. I don't usually drink but planned to have a few glasses of wine at home on Friday when the kids go to bed, bit of a pamper, long bubble bath then spend the day on Saturday with my DM. Bit of shopping, she was going to treat me to lunch etc. Child free.

The above was encouraged OH who said he wanted me to have some "me" time and time off mum duties (3 young DC who I care for almost single handedly due to his work). He booked the Friday and Saturday off work well in advance to accommodate.

Yesterday on the way home from taking DSC home he rings me and says his ex asked him if he will have the kids overnight next Friday as an extra contact, so she can go and spend the night at her mum's for a break.

He didn't bother to consult me, just told her yes and told me after the fact.

FWIW she gets plenty of breaks, her kids are in school FT and she gets help from family. I get none.

This now means my plans are down the drain because there's no way he'll cope with all 6 on his own. I'm always expected to be present when his kids come.. which I'm fine with during the scheduled days but I don't want to sacrifice my birthday.

After discussing it at length he thinks the best compromise is that I go and stay at a premier inn with the youngest for my "break" and he'll juggle the rest on his own, like that's doing me a favour.

So just another night of night feeds and broken sleep, just in a shitty hotel and not my own surroundings. That's not a treat for me.

Please, no comments about the amount of children or the trademark "why did you have kids with this man" it's not helpful and just sticks the boot in.

I love the kids, I just want one thing for myself after making sacrifices for years to accommodate his ex on her jollies, concerts, impromptu visits to friends and family etc.

He has been an arse hasn't he? AIBU?

OP posts:
Nogardenersworld · 04/03/2022 11:27

You’re being a mug
He made 6 kids he can look after 6 kids
If he can’t then he can find some help
He agreed to having the other 3 so that was his choice
I don’t see what it’s got to do with you

Your bday gift was a bit of time off whilst he looked after the children
That still stands

Original poster
RuRue · 04/03/2022 11:28

My AIBU was AIBU to think he's in the wrong. Massive dose of cognitive dissonance going on here, hard to trust my judgement completely. Sorry.

The advice is welcome and will be taken on board. I'm not immediately discounting any of it, merely saying that at this moment in time I'm not comfortable leaving (4 month old) baby in a situation that will descend into chaos.

OP posts:
Nogardenersworld · 04/03/2022 11:30

I don’t know why you’re going on about the ex and her time off and your sacrifices like it’s her problem
You made your decisions.
She’s literally got half the amount of children as you and DH
That’s your choice to have them and your choice to sacrifice everything
I’m not judging your decisions but your anger seems misplaced

SkinnyChaiLatte · 04/03/2022 11:30

@AgentJohnson

I think it’s ironic that the OP is blaming her H for not standing up to his Ex but appears reluctant to make a stand against her H.
This!!
Original poster
RuRue · 04/03/2022 11:30

Thanks all. I need to put my foot down and remind myself it's not my problem.

I felt emotionally blackmailed when he told me because he made it sound as though he either has them, bollocks to my weekend, or they might be at risk.

OP posts:
RJnomore1 · 04/03/2022 11:31

This isn’t your problem. Don’t make it your problem.

You have plans which he knows and agreed to. It’s up to him to sort it out. Nod, smile and leave him to it.

Original poster
RuRue · 04/03/2022 11:31

@Nogardenersworld

I don’t know why you’re going on about the ex and her time off and your sacrifices like it’s her problem You made your decisions. She’s literally got half the amount of children as you and DH That’s your choice to have them and your choice to sacrifice everything I’m not judging your decisions but your anger seems misplaced
I'm not angry at her, I'm angry at him because he's aware she gets much more of a break than I ever have and still feels it's ok to prioritise her having a night off despite it being my birthday.
OP posts:
CustardGoodJamGoodMeatGood · 04/03/2022 11:32

His fault, his problem, he sorts it. He knew in advance that he was already busy so shouldn't have agreed. Stop being a mug and just accepting you'll have to help. No he shouldn't have agreed to it of he knows he couldn't cope but you're a big girl, tell him it isn't acceptable. It isn't the ex's fault either, he knew when your birthday was.

MissMaple82 · 04/03/2022 11:32

Just say no, and carry on your plans as normal. Let him crack on and learn from it it, his kids are not your responsibility.

lockdownalli · 04/03/2022 11:34

Don't you dare cancel your plans OP Grin

Leave him with all six. Make it absolutely clear you are not changing your plans then just don't mention it again. I bet you he manages to stand up to her if he is faced with a weekend of all six.

AxolotlEars · 04/03/2022 11:34

You can still go. Just keep saying to him "you'll do a great job with all the kids. I know you can manage." On repeat! And then off you go. The thing is he needs to feel the natural consequences of his decision that he didn't make in a collaborative way. Don't rescue him. If there is ever a next time he will either say no or manage with 6. I know it doesn't solve the issue of him not putting you first or considering you

Original poster
RuRue · 04/03/2022 11:35

I've just sent him the following text:

You have to tell her to rearrange, you already had plans and shouldn't have commited. She'll have to go another day when you're actually scheduled to have them.

We'll see what he comes back with.

I will put my foot down.

OP posts:
Hidingin · 04/03/2022 11:35

The ex won’t safeguard the children
Your baby isn’t safe with your dp and his children?
Your dp made more children than he is personally capable of looking after
And somehow it’s all your fault, for you to take the blame and to fix for everyone?

Bananarama21 · 04/03/2022 11:35

Well he chose to have 6 kids so he deals with that, he also chose to have his 3 from a previous relationship for an additional night as extra so he has to deal with the consciences of his actions it shouldnt be on you to be present. Could you stay at your dms op and enjoy your break.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 04/03/2022 11:36

@RuRue

I think personally he should be telling her she has to go another time, why he hasn't done that I don't know. I suspect because she will say nope, not rearranging, and he knows I'm the mug who will take it on the chin and adapt my plans accordingly.
You've said why he hasn't done it yourself here. I'm a fan of learning from natural consequences, he offered to care for all 6 of his DC that weekend, therefore he should care for all 6 of his DC. Unless you think it would be physically or mentally dangerous to your children then that's what should happen. While he knows you'll back out of your plans and his Ex will insist this is always going to be the outcome. Putting you last is the easiest option for him. It shouldn't be this way and it's all kinds of unfair, but none of that will change the outcome, until he has to deal with the consequences of his behaviour.
MayorMargeret · 04/03/2022 11:37

If you adapt your plans for the weekend you will be expected to do it every time. Just wish him luck with the 6 of them and go. Ok, you'll worry but this will be better for the future. And at some point remind him he had 6 children willingly and needs to be able to look after them all at various times and not rely on you all the time.

Ryderneedsus · 04/03/2022 11:37

Can you do everything you planned but on Saturday night? You can still celebrate the next day. Do not let your husbands thoughtlessness ruin your treat.

Hidingin · 04/03/2022 11:38

@RuRue

I've just sent him the following text:

You have to tell her to rearrange, you already had plans and shouldn't have commited. She'll have to go another day when you're actually scheduled to have them.

We'll see what he comes back with.

I will put my foot down.

But why? Why did you have to tell him how to fix it? Why have you made yourself the reason that he can’t see his children Why can he now say to ex oh rurue says I can’t have the children. Why didn’t you just tell him to figure out the situation by himself Why does his ex have to change plans that he agreed to because he’s an incapable father

He offered to take 6 children so he takes them, or he decides he can’t or he finds help. I don’t understand why you’ve given yourself this role

Original poster
RuRue · 04/03/2022 11:38

@Hidingin

The ex won’t safeguard the children Your baby isn’t safe with your dp and his children? Your dp made more children than he is personally capable of looking after And somehow it’s all your fault, for you to take the blame and to fix for everyone?
Baby is perfectly safe with him, but I am concerned about baby being left with him whilst he has the other 3 aswell. This isn't without due cause, there is always accidents because they run riot and it's always my kids who end up hurt because they're small.

When they come and I'm here I keep baby out of the way if they're charging around like bulls in a China shop.

I don't feel as though he'll be able to keep an eye on the smaller ones when he's pulled in every direction.

I've sent the text I'll post his reply when it comes.

OP posts:
MayorMargeret · 04/03/2022 11:40

Exactly op, why are you trying to sort it out? No wonder he can't make sensible decisions

lockdownalli · 04/03/2022 11:40

Why did you do that? Now he can sulk and say you are telling him he cannot see his DC (which is actually true)

Allthekittycats · 04/03/2022 11:41

Jesus I would be furious at him scuppering my birthday plans to accommodate his fucking ex! Do not compromise. He’s made this situation not you. Go and enjoy yourself. If you don’t put your foot down this time he will continue to take the piss out of you. The kids will be fine, it’s one night.

CambsAlways · 04/03/2022 11:41

Leave him to it, his children he can look after them ask

MayorMargeret · 04/03/2022 11:41

And why are they always charging around? Their dad must see they are a danger to the little ones. Get him to discipline them!

CambsAlways · 04/03/2022 11:41

All

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