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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

He has spoiled my birthday to accommodate his ex

618 replies

RuRue · 04/03/2022 11:05

It's my birthday next weekend, for the first time in years I made plans. I haven't really bothered with my last few birthdays, a few reasons for that really, depression, finances etc. I don't usually drink but planned to have a few glasses of wine at home on Friday when the kids go to bed, bit of a pamper, long bubble bath then spend the day on Saturday with my DM. Bit of shopping, she was going to treat me to lunch etc. Child free.

The above was encouraged OH who said he wanted me to have some "me" time and time off mum duties (3 young DC who I care for almost single handedly due to his work). He booked the Friday and Saturday off work well in advance to accommodate.

Yesterday on the way home from taking DSC home he rings me and says his ex asked him if he will have the kids overnight next Friday as an extra contact, so she can go and spend the night at her mum's for a break.

He didn't bother to consult me, just told her yes and told me after the fact.

FWIW she gets plenty of breaks, her kids are in school FT and she gets help from family. I get none.

This now means my plans are down the drain because there's no way he'll cope with all 6 on his own. I'm always expected to be present when his kids come.. which I'm fine with during the scheduled days but I don't want to sacrifice my birthday.

After discussing it at length he thinks the best compromise is that I go and stay at a premier inn with the youngest for my "break" and he'll juggle the rest on his own, like that's doing me a favour.

So just another night of night feeds and broken sleep, just in a shitty hotel and not my own surroundings. That's not a treat for me.

Please, no comments about the amount of children or the trademark "why did you have kids with this man" it's not helpful and just sticks the boot in.

I love the kids, I just want one thing for myself after making sacrifices for years to accommodate his ex on her jollies, concerts, impromptu visits to friends and family etc.

He has been an arse hasn't he? AIBU?

OP posts:

mocktail · 04/03/2022 11:51

To be fair, I didn't realise your baby was only 4 months. I wouldn't have left a baby that young for more than an hour or so, so for me that changes things... Could you take the baby and stay at your mum's, leaving him with the other 5? I'm guessing you could still do shopping, lunch etc with your mum and the baby. Then reschedule your child-free weekend for another time?

berksandbeyond · 04/03/2022 11:52

Why on earth does he think he can have 6 kids if he’s not prepared to look after them? I know you said not to comment on the number of kids but that is ridiculous and you knew full well what you were getting yourself into

theleafandnotthetree · 04/03/2022 11:52

What kind of savages are your stepkids that you think there is a real danger of them inflicting harm on their half siblings, including a small baby. Whether you are there or not, your husband needs to control and parent them better. How have you put up with THAT this long, this weekend aside? My son is 14, he and some of his friends are rowdy enough but it wouldn't occur to me that they would do something that could injure younger children. I mean anythings possible but not in the kind of 'imminent threat' way you desribe your dynamics.

SlightlyJaded · 04/03/2022 11:52

People aren't listening

It's not about making him have all six. The OP is not comfortable with that. That does not work for her as she will be anxious and not enjoy her 'break'.

So the only solution is for the H's ex to reschedule or arrange sleepovers for her DC elsewhere.

OP your text is fine.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 04/03/2022 11:52

If he gets stuck with this, and can't either tell his ex to reschedule, or stop her from dropping her kids off, then I would do this instead:

Say "Ok, fine - then my birthday is now moved to NEXT weekend instead [or whenever he doesn't have his kids around] and you will just have to remake your leave plans from work, so that I can still have MY time off as we planned for my birthday."

And make it VERY clear that next year there is not to be a repeat of this!!

DoNotTouchTheWater · 04/03/2022 11:52

@HalliWood

It's not her fault for asking. It's his for saying yes! Tell him nope you already have plans. He should have said no straight off the bat.

Actually, it sounds very much like she is at fault.

She wants to hang out with a child abusing family member. That’s the situation when it’s a family member who is not allowed around kids. Frankly, as a parent, that’s problematic even if she does ask her ex to have the kids so she isn’t taking them with her.

lockdownalli · 04/03/2022 11:53

He's a total arse that's for sure, but I would leave the problem with him.

It does complicate matters OP now you have explained you have PND and anxiety ( I empathise) but how likely is it he will actually arrange to spend all that time with all the DC? Do you think he might arrange a family member to come and help, or renege on his agreement to have his older DC? Or will he think it's all no problem?

huuskymam · 04/03/2022 11:53

Don't cancel your plans. He has 2 options. 1 tell the ex he can't do this weekend or 2 let him take all 6 kids and you stay at your mother's or a hotel for the night. I'd go for a night alone in a hotel.

SlightlyJaded · 04/03/2022 11:53

@mocktail

She is not planning to 'leave the baby'. The baby has a father - an equal parent - who can look after them. The issues is factoring an additional five other kids into the house.

Original poster

RuRue · 04/03/2022 11:53

To touch on what I said in my PP, it's not that I don't trust him with our kids. I do. He's great with them and does everything he's supposed to do and then some.

The main concern I have is how the older ones act when they're here, they're too rowdy and it results in the younger ones getting hurt. I can prevent that most of the time when I'm here but even I would be out of my depth on my own with all 6 including the older ones (who I strongly strongly suspect have ADHD) two demanding toddlers and a baby.

They're the same at their mum's it's not something that is only an issue here.

OP posts:

adriftabroad · 04/03/2022 11:53

@MyCatEatsPrawnCrackers

He agreed to look after your 3 children and then agreed to look after the three children with his ex. Therefore he gets to look after all 6 of them while you go to a Premier Inn on your own and then out with you mum on the Saturday as planned. Do not compromise.

100% this.

hellcatspangle · 04/03/2022 11:53

Tbh I would just go ahead with your plans and leave him to it. Can you stay at your mums on the Friday night? It was arranged before he cocked it up.

BowerOfBramble · 04/03/2022 11:54

Well done on sending that text! Must have taken a lot if you're used to be a pushover accommodating.

You expressed clearly that he's got a previous commitment, whether that's to you or work or his mother - so what, he's busy so he shouldn't have agreed a different plan that affects other people.

Personally I wouldn't want to leave a baby around 5 young kids with only one adult in charge either, but I would certainly make out that I was planning to if he refuses to rearrange. See how far he'll push it OP. Does HE think he can parent all 6 alone?

Marvellousmadness · 04/03/2022 11:54

He is an arse... but you are letting him op

You say: " 'I'm always expected to be present when his kids come.."
Uh. Just plan something else. He wanted 6 kids,he can deal with them . That is not your problem if he can't juggle 6.

Stop enabling him.

Give him hell about next week. Or better yet just leave. He is a dad. Not to 3. But to 6 kids. So he should manage them. And if he can't HE needs to call in someone to help him out

But you? You should leave. You had plans to spend the day with your dm. You Can still do that. These are ALL his kids. So if he said yes to his ex than HE is responsible for looking after them.

newnameforthis76 · 04/03/2022 11:54

He claims she had no idea it was my birthday

HE knew it was your birthday, even if she didn’t. He is the one at fault here for not saying no.

UsernameA1B2 · 04/03/2022 11:54

I don't understand why there are people saying to make him look after all 6 children. I wouldn't leave a young baby with someone having to look after 5 other children.

timeisnotaline · 04/03/2022 11:55

Good on you for putting your foot down, apologies are sometimes not remotely enough, he needs to fix it. (I do understand not leaving a 4mo if you don’t feel they will be safe fwiw, they are still so small)

whywouldntyou · 04/03/2022 11:56

@BigHairyCoconut

You're only a mug if you allow yourself to become one. Leave the six kids with him. If he finds it hard to cope, tough shit. At least he won't do it again. But if you cancel or change you plans, he's going to keep doing shit like this because he can get away with relying on the mug.

This.

You are being a doormat and if you let this go years down the line you will be posting on here about what an arse your DP is.

Grow a pair and leave him to it, he has 6 kids, he can bloody well look after them.

Bananarama21 · 04/03/2022 11:56

My son is being assessed for adhd he's very hardwork. Has your dh made an effort to get his dc assessed, so that the appropriate plans can be put into place for them?

Lockedoorsopen · 04/03/2022 11:57

OP, don't cut your nose of to spite your face.

He can have his kids anytime he wants - doesn't mean you have to spoil your plans for your relaxing weekend.

As long as the kids are all alive when they go to bed - its a good day.

Stay at your mothers. This would be an absolute deal breaker for me. He doesnt get to change your plans - but also you don't get to change his exes

He is the one thats at fault. He can look after all of his kids - because maybe he did this on purpose so you didnt get a night off. My ex used to do similar

Briony123 · 04/03/2022 11:59

Unless all six of them are toddlers in the throes of potty-training, of course he can cope with them.

billy1966 · 04/03/2022 12:00

God help YOUR 3 children having HIS other children inflicted on them if they are that rowdy.

He treats you like a mug because you are one unfortunately.

No woman who really valued herself gets caught up in this type of situation looking after 6 children regularly.

This is only going to get harder for your 3 children, the noise and chaos.

I hope you have a back up plan for when you see how hard such a chaotic environment impacts your children.

It certainly isn't a happy home.

Talk to your mum.

Original poster

RuRue · 04/03/2022 12:00

@Bananarama21

My son is being assessed for adhd he's very hardwork. Has your dh made an effort to get his dc assessed, so that the appropriate plans can be put into place for them?

One is on a waiting list for assessment but he was in denial that there was even a problem "It's just his personality" was what he said. He now accepts that there is something to it.

The older one, who is alot more reckless, isn't under investigation for anything.

OP posts:

TillyTopper · 04/03/2022 12:01

Just go and go your thing - Premier Inn, friends house, with your Mum.... let him get on with it. He committed when he obviously knew full well it was your birthday. Go out and enjoy yourself - this is only a problem if you enable him to continue being a twat!

blahblahbiscuits · 04/03/2022 12:02

I would ask him outright to explain exactly why he is putting her needs ahead of yours. You need to know.

He's being an arsehole and you have every right to be annoyed and upset

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