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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He has spoiled my birthday to accommodate his ex

618 replies

RuRue · 04/03/2022 11:05

It's my birthday next weekend, for the first time in years I made plans. I haven't really bothered with my last few birthdays, a few reasons for that really, depression, finances etc. I don't usually drink but planned to have a few glasses of wine at home on Friday when the kids go to bed, bit of a pamper, long bubble bath then spend the day on Saturday with my DM. Bit of shopping, she was going to treat me to lunch etc. Child free.

The above was encouraged OH who said he wanted me to have some "me" time and time off mum duties (3 young DC who I care for almost single handedly due to his work). He booked the Friday and Saturday off work well in advance to accommodate.

Yesterday on the way home from taking DSC home he rings me and says his ex asked him if he will have the kids overnight next Friday as an extra contact, so she can go and spend the night at her mum's for a break.

He didn't bother to consult me, just told her yes and told me after the fact.

FWIW she gets plenty of breaks, her kids are in school FT and she gets help from family. I get none.

This now means my plans are down the drain because there's no way he'll cope with all 6 on his own. I'm always expected to be present when his kids come.. which I'm fine with during the scheduled days but I don't want to sacrifice my birthday.

After discussing it at length he thinks the best compromise is that I go and stay at a premier inn with the youngest for my "break" and he'll juggle the rest on his own, like that's doing me a favour.

So just another night of night feeds and broken sleep, just in a shitty hotel and not my own surroundings. That's not a treat for me.

Please, no comments about the amount of children or the trademark "why did you have kids with this man" it's not helpful and just sticks the boot in.

I love the kids, I just want one thing for myself after making sacrifices for years to accommodate his ex on her jollies, concerts, impromptu visits to friends and family etc.

He has been an arse hasn't he? AIBU?

OP posts:
Goldenharp · 09/03/2022 22:18

ADHD children don't have to behave like that. They can be taught rules and habits. Sure, they might be fidgeting, bouncing on the spot and chattering away but that doesn't mean that they are jumping on sofas and rugby tackling small children. Yes, I had an ADHD child and he was taught to behave in a civilised fashion. If he had jumped on the sofa or rugby tackled a small child he would have known that punishment would have rained down on him immediately. I agree with the other poster who pointed out that outdoor exercise to tire them out a bit can also help a bit with the hyperactivity.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 09/03/2022 22:33

I'm glad my previous offerings helped clarify things for you!
Now I'm going to suggest that once you're clear of this one, perhaps you could look into the Freedom programme, to help you recover your "self" and to give you tactics to avoid these fuckers latching onto you again.
Please note that I'm not blaming you at all - these bastards really do have a nose for spotting the signs of who who has been in an abusive relationship before, like hyenas scenting a recent kill; and they're really good at weaselling their way in.

I hope Women's Aid are able to help you but I would also tell any friends and family you have about the situation too, and see who else can rally round. He needs to leave so that you still have a home for you and the kids so I hope that can be made to happen.

onanotherday · 09/03/2022 23:09

*I would consider it totally normal to leave all the dc in a family at home with one of their parents.

If there is a concern about injury to the baby then your dp needs to keep the baby with him, in a sling. He could also think about how to engage the older ones in an activity that makes in less likely they will be disruptive.*

Exactly what I was thinking! But I too had PND and know that I would not have rested and relaxed. As others have said, there are a number of issues that may need addressing. Clearer boundaries and strategies for coping with kids with ADHD.

But ultimately this all comes down to OH agreeing to have dc without discussing with you.

If I was your op not only would I say to ex that unfortunately on this occasion it is not possible and if I hear that you have put "our" children at risk by continuing with your plans I will be contacting childrens services.

OP stick to your guns and have a lovely birthday 🎂

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 09/03/2022 23:14

@onanotherday

*I would consider it totally normal to leave all the dc in a family at home with one of their parents.

If there is a concern about injury to the baby then your dp needs to keep the baby with him, in a sling. He could also think about how to engage the older ones in an activity that makes in less likely they will be disruptive.*

Exactly what I was thinking! But I too had PND and know that I would not have rested and relaxed. As others have said, there are a number of issues that may need addressing. Clearer boundaries and strategies for coping with kids with ADHD.

But ultimately this all comes down to OH agreeing to have dc without discussing with you.

If I was your op not only would I say to ex that unfortunately on this occasion it is not possible and if I hear that you have put "our" children at risk by continuing with your plans I will be contacting childrens services.

OP stick to your guns and have a lovely birthday 🎂

You might want to catch up on the rest of the OP's posts...
onanotherday · 09/03/2022 23:25

Sorry just read update....
Cycle of abuse..well done on seeing it. It erodes your self esteem but I can tell by your posts that you are much stronger than you feel and a great protective mum.
Good luck with womans aid...get those ducks lined up.

EKGEMS · 10/03/2022 00:16

You're a better woman than me,@RuRue I would've fucking drowned him in the bath

Original poster
RuRue · 10/03/2022 09:46

So an update..

She text him this morning reminding him that the kids finish school early tomorrow and asked what time he would be picking them up.

He replied that he's sorry but he can't have them after all and she really would have to make other arrangements or cancel the trip

To which she replied "ok fine well don't bother having them at all then"

So she's having a hissy fit and will probably stop contact again

OP posts:
billy1966 · 10/03/2022 09:53

OP,

Your abusive husband has clocked that he has pushed you a bit too far.

That's all that has happened here.

He realises by you and your manner that he has pushed you too far.

So he pushes back on the ex, only because he can see that you have changed.

This is what abusers do.

They push and push and its only when THEY see you looking at them differently, that they pull back a bit.

He is a very abusive man.

Do not be fooled by this update.

This is pure self interest on his part.

He only cares about himself.

Do not engage with him about this.

These are his children with his ex, nothing to do with you.

Stay on course.
Refuse to be drawn in by this.

Keep posting as you need to.Flowers

RandomMess · 10/03/2022 10:14

I agree with everything Billy says.

Quietly get your ducks in a row whilst he's on his best behaviour.

Original poster
RuRue · 10/03/2022 10:22

I totally agree Billy. It changes nothing for me in terms of OH, I'm just relieved I won't be saddled with 6 kids on my birthday.

Baby is sounding very croup-like today so the last thing I need would be to have to drag him off to a hotel.

He can deal with her hissy fit and if she wants to be an arse about contact he'll just have to go back to court. It's nothing new sadly. Nacho.

OP posts:
LittleOwl153 · 10/03/2022 10:31

@RuRue Hope you have started to sort things out - if only in your own head.

Have a good Birthday - try to do some little things just for you over the weekend.

And keep posting for any help the hive mind can give you.

LittleOwl153 · 10/03/2022 10:36

And I'm guessing her hissy fit and his need to go back to court to seek access to his kids - will all be your fault for wanting to be special on your birthday!

Don't fall for that crap.

Hopefully you will have a small break from the kids in order to sort yourself out so that you don't have to deal with them again!

Ponoka7 · 10/03/2022 10:44

You say that she will have the children taken off her if she goes to the SO with them. But then you'd have to have residency of them. You should have left because it is unfair that the children are in danger of being put at risk. She might be a nightmare, but you or their father don't want residency, which is sad. It's understandable on your part, but another baby shouldn't have been thrown into this mess. Posters saying that the OP should say that those children can't come to the house this weekend, need to remind themselves that's it is their father's home as well.

RandomMess · 10/03/2022 10:47

Ponoka7 the point was that their Mum didn't have to go this particular weekend. It's not an emergency visit or anything.

billy1966 · 10/03/2022 10:49

So glad to read that you do get it.
Well done.

Talk to your mum.
Start planning.

I think you are a LOT stronger and clued in than you give yourself credit for.

This doesn't have to be your life.Flowers

Original poster
RuRue · 10/03/2022 11:02

@Ponoka7

You say that she will have the children taken off her if she goes to the SO with them. But then you'd have to have residency of them. You should have left because it is unfair that the children are in danger of being put at risk. She might be a nightmare, but you or their father don't want residency, which is sad. It's understandable on your part, but another baby shouldn't have been thrown into this mess. Posters saying that the OP should say that those children can't come to the house this weekend, need to remind themselves that's it is their father's home as well.
She's not allowed to take them there, that much has been made crystal clear by social services. She isn't going to take them round there because she knows she will be reported again. If she's prepared to risk that for a non essential visit just because she fancies a change of scenery, or to spite other people, she shouldn't have kids in the first place. I don't believe she's going to take them there at all.

She can't hold people hostage to the fact she might put the kids at risk unless they do what she wants. He can bend over backwards to accommodate her if he wants but not at my expense.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 10/03/2022 11:32

Please OP dont let this sway you from actually solving the real issue you have which is him.

whynotwhatknot · 10/03/2022 11:41

I do agree hes changed his tune for now but what happens next time

forrestgreen · 10/03/2022 12:17

Enjoy your birthday safe in the knowledge that this year will be a brand new year of peace and safety for you and your children

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/03/2022 14:46

I think, if the situation plays out the way it's looking at the moment, that the older 3 kids won't be the OP's concern after a while, because their father will be looking after them on his own at his new residence.

And of course the OP will be making sure that her 3 are kept safe by not being there at the same time as the older 3, at least until they're bigger and able to keep out of harm's way by themselves.

The older 3 are not the OP's responsibility.

PinaColada123456 · 10/03/2022 15:38

Op are you married? You haven't answered that, and it does impact on answers and advice.

PiperPosey · 10/03/2022 15:46

@RuRue

I totally agree Billy. It changes nothing for me in terms of OH, I'm just relieved I won't be saddled with 6 kids on my birthday.

Baby is sounding very croup-like today so the last thing I need would be to have to drag him off to a hotel.

He can deal with her hissy fit and if she wants to be an arse about contact he'll just have to go back to court. It's nothing new sadly. Nacho.

Good to hear that you are sticking to your guns... awwww poor baby..I hate that croup cough..

To which she replied "ok fine well don't bother having them at all then"
Yeah right... the first time she needs a break from her roughhousing kids she will be on that phone bright and early.

picklemewalnuts · 10/03/2022 15:46

@RuRue

I totally agree Billy. It changes nothing for me in terms of OH, I'm just relieved I won't be saddled with 6 kids on my birthday.

Baby is sounding very croup-like today so the last thing I need would be to have to drag him off to a hotel.

He can deal with her hissy fit and if she wants to be an arse about contact he'll just have to go back to court. It's nothing new sadly. Nacho.

Will she really stop contact, if it's the only break she has now she isn't able to take them to her mum's?
Original poster
RuRue · 10/03/2022 15:52

Sorry, I thought I'd answered that. Not married no.

Will she stop contact? For a few weeks I think she would yes, she's done it before, but not long term

OP posts:
Original poster
RuRue · 10/03/2022 16:32

God they've done a number on me haven't they, the pair of arseholes. I started feeling really rather guilty about refusing the kids (with their feelings in mind, not the parents) so had to come and re read some of the replies here to satisfy myself that I haven't done anything wrong. It's my bloody birthday and we're all ill to boot.

OP posts: