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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He has spoiled my birthday to accommodate his ex

618 replies

RuRue · 04/03/2022 11:05

It's my birthday next weekend, for the first time in years I made plans. I haven't really bothered with my last few birthdays, a few reasons for that really, depression, finances etc. I don't usually drink but planned to have a few glasses of wine at home on Friday when the kids go to bed, bit of a pamper, long bubble bath then spend the day on Saturday with my DM. Bit of shopping, she was going to treat me to lunch etc. Child free.

The above was encouraged OH who said he wanted me to have some "me" time and time off mum duties (3 young DC who I care for almost single handedly due to his work). He booked the Friday and Saturday off work well in advance to accommodate.

Yesterday on the way home from taking DSC home he rings me and says his ex asked him if he will have the kids overnight next Friday as an extra contact, so she can go and spend the night at her mum's for a break.

He didn't bother to consult me, just told her yes and told me after the fact.

FWIW she gets plenty of breaks, her kids are in school FT and she gets help from family. I get none.

This now means my plans are down the drain because there's no way he'll cope with all 6 on his own. I'm always expected to be present when his kids come.. which I'm fine with during the scheduled days but I don't want to sacrifice my birthday.

After discussing it at length he thinks the best compromise is that I go and stay at a premier inn with the youngest for my "break" and he'll juggle the rest on his own, like that's doing me a favour.

So just another night of night feeds and broken sleep, just in a shitty hotel and not my own surroundings. That's not a treat for me.

Please, no comments about the amount of children or the trademark "why did you have kids with this man" it's not helpful and just sticks the boot in.

I love the kids, I just want one thing for myself after making sacrifices for years to accommodate his ex on her jollies, concerts, impromptu visits to friends and family etc.

He has been an arse hasn't he? AIBU?

OP posts:
PatchworkElmer · 04/03/2022 11:41

Well done OP, that’s a good text!

He should be able to cope with his own children for goodness sake. If he can’t, he needs to draft in help but really, he should be able to cope.

Meandthesky · 04/03/2022 11:41

Leave him to it, it’s his choice to have 6 kids and to do his ex a favour, he’s the one who needs to sort it.

And honestly why would you have children with a man who you don’t trust to look after all the children he’s fathered?!

UsernameA1B2 · 04/03/2022 11:41

AIBU to think he's in the wrong YANBU he is in the wrong. Ridiculous that he thinks it's okay to change your plans for your birthday

gamerchick · 04/03/2022 11:43

Actually I'd go with the original plan, if he needs help then he can organise it. Alternatively childcare for youngest.

This needs to be shit for him so it's on his radar that his choices have consequences in future.

Original poster
RuRue · 04/03/2022 11:44

@lockdownalli

Why did you do that? Now he can sulk and say you are telling him he cannot see his DC (which is actually true)
Because I would prefer not to leave baby with him only half supervised whilst he has 5 other kids on his own. I'm prepared to look like the arsehole to avoid that. My plans were made first so she can rearrange her own.

I have PND/anxiety so I wouldn't be able to relax in the above situation anyway. I'd just spend the entire duration worrying. It may not be entirely rational but PND/anxiety rarely is.

He sees them plenty btw, he isn't being deprived of time with them.

OP posts:
Bananarama21 · 04/03/2022 11:44

Do his kids get time separately with their dad? It sounds chaotic from your description they went from being just to double in the space of 6 years. I have three

Cailin66 · 04/03/2022 11:44

How is a man the father of 6 children unable to mind child number 6 properly. He must be very experienced at this stage !

lockdownalli · 04/03/2022 11:45

Why can't he organise help?

Chloemol · 04/03/2022 11:45

Nope sorry

He has a choice. Tell his ex he can’t do it or he has all 6 and coped

Go to your mums Friday evening and leave him to it

Bananarama21 · 04/03/2022 11:45

I couldn't imagine having 6.Confused

Original poster
RuRue · 04/03/2022 11:46

@MayorMargeret

And why are they always charging around? Their dad must see they are a danger to the little ones. Get him to discipline them!
ADHD in my honest opinion, but I'm not qualified to say that so probably shouldn't. They're like bulls in a China shop, cannot juat sit down, don't pay any attention and no amount of telling them makes any difference.
OP posts:
Branleuse · 04/03/2022 11:46

wont he just put them to bed? He could then just focus on the little one/s in the morning, rope in the older ones to help.
I think if he cant cope with the 6, that will mean he will be frazzled by it, not that anything bad will happen to the kids.

Id make a point of going and staying elsewhere whether i thought he would "cope" or not. If he finds it hard, he can find his own help.
Could you go stay somewhere a bit nicer than a premier inn. Doesnt have to be posh, but somewhere you could relax. You said you fancied a pamper evening, so maybe find a hotel with a jacuzzi or sauna where you can get a massage.

Maybe it will take him being left with them to realise how much of a big deal it is

Elieza · 04/03/2022 11:46

I’d probably stick to my guns.

However you are worried about the safety of the little one and that will spoil your enjoyment. I get that.

I’d therefore suggest you ‘move’ your birthday to the next week and do all the things you planned to do then. And he can move his leave.

I know it’s not the way you’d want it but it could be for the best.

I think it also is time for you to demand he does his fair share and also that he sorts out his rowdy children.

It’s not acceptable that he just lets some get hurt. Like collateral damage. They need to understand that they have younger siblings and this rowdiness won’t be tolerated.

I get the feeling he isnt good when it comes to pulling his weight. And is a yes man to his ex as he is weak.

Make this the last straw and have a family discussion about behaviour at home between you both and all dc. And what punishments will be for bad or rowdy behaviour. And make sure those things happen. I bet they don’t behave like that at school so why should it be tolerated at home.

And lastly get his phone and put all your and dc’s birthdays in it. And mothers and fathers days. With a reminder two weeks prior for each entry if necessary so he can order stuff for presents.

You should both pull your weight. Not just you. Him forgetting your birthday is the last straw. Get him kicked into touch. Idiot man.

Oh and make sure he tidied up too. I bet it’s you that sorts the aftermath. Why should it be. His kids he should do it. Both tidy for for your joint kids

LittleOwl153 · 04/03/2022 11:47

OK so you can't ditch the baby - and at 4 months old I get that.

However he needs to learn that you are not the path of least resistance. You are allowing him to trash your feelings as the easy option.

So what is HE going to do about it?

My first thought (and clearly that of PP) is to make it his problem - not yours. IF you agree to taking the baby tonight how is HE going to make your birthday special? Perhaps HE can do the night feeds so that you actually get some sleep? He can certainly organise dinner for everyone and give you the evening off that job (and the associated clear up).

How is HE going to resolve your PREMADE plans for tomorrow? How is HE going to guarantee the baby the safety and attention it needs so that you can go ahead with your PREMADE BIRTHDAY plans with your mum without the added stress?

Make it his problem to resolve - don't resolve it for him by taking the responsibility for him. He made the problem - he finds the solution and makes it happen without dumping it back on you.

MrsWinters · 04/03/2022 11:47

Don’t go to a premier inn. For the same money you could find something cute on Airbnb.
Sounds like his being guilted by his ex, and is passing that onto you. You’re less of an unpleasant argument, please try and push back

Booklover3 · 04/03/2022 11:47

I honestly would leave him to sort it out

homeappliances · 04/03/2022 11:47

Just go! His choice, his mess.

pinkyredrose · 04/03/2022 11:47

Why are his older kids allowed to run riot? Anyway good one sending that text, you did the right thing.

Lalliella · 04/03/2022 11:48

You already had plans. Why are her plans more important. She can cancel her plans and parent her children, as per the original arrangement. Your DH needs to sort this out, not you.

HalliWood · 04/03/2022 11:48

It's not her fault for asking. It's his for saying yes! Tell him nope you already have plans. He should have said no straight off the bat.

caringcarer · 04/03/2022 11:48

He will have to ring his ex and tell her he forgot it was your birthday and you have plans but could do the following weekend. If he refuses, then go to your Mum's on your own and he will have to deal with all 6 on his own. He has brought this on himself. If you just go he is far more likely to tell ex he can't have her kids this weekend. Don't give in on this OP or she will do it every bloody year.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 04/03/2022 11:49

Agree secretly with your mum for her to have the baby overnight. DO NOT tell him. If he won't cancel, tell him he'll have to have them all and you'll be furious if anything happens to the baby. He'll find a way out then, you see.

BaconMassive · 04/03/2022 11:49

Just say "poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine."

End of the day if you have to take the youngest for your peace of mind, then do so but afterwards be clear that this was not the weekend you had planned/deserved so you will be taking another one at the next earliest opportunity.

DoNotTouchTheWater · 04/03/2022 11:50

@lockdownalli

Why did you do that? Now he can sulk and say you are telling him he cannot see his DC (which is actually true)
The thing is, he has a responsibility to consider his wife and his other children when he agrees to additional contact.

All this emotional blackmail about ‘seeing his kids’ doesn’t change the fact that he totally disregarded the OP on her birthday.

Notmrsfitz · 04/03/2022 11:51

He is on this occasion a total arse.

It’s always on Mumsnet that the advice is to go and leave him with them etc and whilst I’m sure many of us would like to do it, we can’t for whatever reason.

I think realistically speaking the only way to ‘salvage’ this is for you to celebrate your birthday a week late- unnaveptable and not the best plan I agree but perhaps the best option right now.