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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He has spoiled my birthday to accommodate his ex

618 replies

RuRue · 04/03/2022 11:05

It's my birthday next weekend, for the first time in years I made plans. I haven't really bothered with my last few birthdays, a few reasons for that really, depression, finances etc. I don't usually drink but planned to have a few glasses of wine at home on Friday when the kids go to bed, bit of a pamper, long bubble bath then spend the day on Saturday with my DM. Bit of shopping, she was going to treat me to lunch etc. Child free.

The above was encouraged OH who said he wanted me to have some "me" time and time off mum duties (3 young DC who I care for almost single handedly due to his work). He booked the Friday and Saturday off work well in advance to accommodate.

Yesterday on the way home from taking DSC home he rings me and says his ex asked him if he will have the kids overnight next Friday as an extra contact, so she can go and spend the night at her mum's for a break.

He didn't bother to consult me, just told her yes and told me after the fact.

FWIW she gets plenty of breaks, her kids are in school FT and she gets help from family. I get none.

This now means my plans are down the drain because there's no way he'll cope with all 6 on his own. I'm always expected to be present when his kids come.. which I'm fine with during the scheduled days but I don't want to sacrifice my birthday.

After discussing it at length he thinks the best compromise is that I go and stay at a premier inn with the youngest for my "break" and he'll juggle the rest on his own, like that's doing me a favour.

So just another night of night feeds and broken sleep, just in a shitty hotel and not my own surroundings. That's not a treat for me.

Please, no comments about the amount of children or the trademark "why did you have kids with this man" it's not helpful and just sticks the boot in.

I love the kids, I just want one thing for myself after making sacrifices for years to accommodate his ex on her jollies, concerts, impromptu visits to friends and family etc.

He has been an arse hasn't he? AIBU?

OP posts:
Regularsizedrudy · 04/03/2022 12:02

Let him deal with all six then. That’s what he agreed to with his ex.

Whatsonmymindgrapes · 04/03/2022 12:04

This is really hard op

Original poster
RuRue · 04/03/2022 12:04

I forgot to add to my last post, the one awaiting assessment for ADHD is also suspected of having dyspraxia.

Oldest one clearly has something going on IMO but nobody else seems to think s

OP posts:
user1493494961 · 04/03/2022 12:05

Agree with everyone else, he has 6 children, he needs to look after them himself.

HalliWood · 04/03/2022 12:07

I know what you mean OP. You could of course still just go anyway but if it were me I'd be unable to actually relax and enjoy myself worrying about the situation at home. What a waste!

IF there is no way he's not going to have them now (which he should because he'd already made plans with you), then I'd do my thing another day. NOT because I want to be a mug but because I wouldn't want to waste the chance to have an actually relaxing time.

IF I had to stay on my birthday, id take the baby and leave him with the rest. And then I'd also have my time as planned the next day. And let him know how annoyed I was at the situation.

But ideally he should be figuring it out himself / cancelling.

RoyKentsChestHair · 04/03/2022 12:07

@RuRue

I think personally he should be telling her she has to go another time, why he hasn't done that I don't know. I suspect because she will say nope, not rearranging, and he knows I'm the mug who will take it on the chin and adapt my plans accordingly.
Well then stop it.

He took those days off specifically to allow you some time off so take it. How he arranges his 6 DCs and who the DSC come into contact with this weekend is on HIM for double booking himself. Tough shit. He will continue to treat you this way as long as you let him because it suits him. So don’t.

And book somewhere nicer than a travel lodge.

KarmaStar · 04/03/2022 12:07

Don't be a martyr.
Tell him firmly that you are sticking to your plans.
If you don't change the way you think and act he is not going to either.
You are not having six dc on your weekend,end of.don't compromise.

HalliWood · 04/03/2022 12:08

It's not fair to say OP is saying he can't see his kids. He's expecting HER to help him facilitate that (by having their baby). I'm sure if he could cope with all 6 alone she wouldn't be bothered if they were staying but the fact is he can't AND he's expecting her to accommodate that by changing her plans.

She absolutely is allowed and reasonable in saying no, if you can't have your kids without my help then they can't come.

Fupoffyagrasshole · 04/03/2022 12:10

He either rearranges or you leave him to it and stay at a hotel for the weekend

Those are the options

I bet he will reschedule if you are going the hotel and won’t bring the baby

Original poster
RuRue · 04/03/2022 12:10

I can completely see where people are coming from when they say he has 6 kids he can get on with it, but the older two behaviour has become alot more challenging as they get older.

Their mum feels out of her depth most of the time hence the practical support from family aswell as OH.

I genuinely do believe that baby would be at risk of harm if left alone with OH juggling all the kids alone because the older ones are at times totally uncontrollable. Accidental harm I'm sure, but harm nevertheless.

I've seen first hand my other children ending up hurt because they're running wild in the house not watching where they're going or pissing about.

OP posts:
User112 · 04/03/2022 12:12

Is the ex a narcissist? Did she intentionally do this knowing it’s your birthday? My MIL and SIL2 are like that and DH just can’t see it.

Original poster
RuRue · 04/03/2022 12:14

Thanks for all the replies and advice. I'm not trying to be difficult, I just have to consider the safety of a tiny 4mo baby above all else.

Im definitely going to stick to my guns, he has to tell her to rearrange and that's on him for double booking his weekend.

OP posts:
Original poster
RuRue · 04/03/2022 12:15

@User112

Is the ex a narcissist? Did she intentionally do this knowing it’s your birthday? My MIL and SIL2 are like that and DH just can’t see it.
I don't think she's a narcissist no, she just couldn't care less about me
OP posts:
User112 · 04/03/2022 12:16

Can you postpone your birthday plans to next week ? It’s a bit unreasonable, but given the circumstances, it’s best you celebrate properly next weekend than do it now in a premier inn with the baby. Oh, tell DH to fuck off and move his leaves to next week. Least he can do, given the mess he made.
Could he not tell the ex “not this week, we have plans, let’s do it next week”. Why was he such a chicken? Is he afraid of her? Can’t get ring her and change plans?

User112 · 04/03/2022 12:17

Of course his ex doesn’t care. Your DH should surely care! I’m so angry for you 🌶

WrongSideOfEverything · 04/03/2022 12:19

Well done. That’s the right attitude.
Let us know what he replies

averythinline · 04/03/2022 12:20

Then he has to manage their behaviour..
No-one will address the issues if they are not made too..

Dyspraxia does not mean bad behaviour

You keep making excuses so will keep being a mug and will end up a martyr...

If he honestly can't manage his own children himself then he needs to sort a solution...

and maybe look in the mirror about what he needs to do about that in the future as his older kids are always going to be bigger than yours....an an assessment does not address behaviour needs..and as they hit teen years things can get harder and how is he going to parent his children then ..

Original poster
RuRue · 04/03/2022 12:22

He has just replied "ok"

OP posts:
RealBecca · 04/03/2022 12:23

What about his parents coming over to help him?

If you end up with them all over and you staying in then tell him you are rescheduling your plans but as of now you arent a doormat who cooks everyone's tea, keeps everyone entertained etc. You set out exactly what a fair share looks like.

In your shoes id also tell him that he is expected to meal prep ahead of them arriving and entertain them all and you will still be going up for your bath and basically hiding after bedtime (your kids are toddlers and a baby so all asleep by 7pm?) Leave him to entertain the eldest.

girlmom21 · 04/03/2022 12:23

Doesn't he have a brother or a mother or a friend who could help him out?

Don't have any more kids with a man who can't manage the existing ones!

Sally872 · 04/03/2022 12:23

That is awful. And I completely understand why you won't leave youngest and why taking youngest to Premier Inn is not a break.

He has to cancel, if he can't due to they safeguarding issue he arranges a swap, cancels his AL and rebooks for next chance.

If the next chance isn't soon then you do take youngest to the premier Inn as well as having another break.

Teateaandmoretea · 04/03/2022 12:24

I assume these are all his children ? Then he can look after them all !

^^totally this. His ex is hardly dumping them on him, he's their father.

Go and chill out at the premier inn.

Booklover3 · 04/03/2022 12:24

He’s now going to make you the bad person…

Booklover3 · 04/03/2022 12:25

That’s why you’ve got a shitty response

CaMePlaitPas · 04/03/2022 12:25

Why on earth are YOU accommodating HIM? You say no, these are the plans, I'll see you Sunday afternoon. Rinse and repeat.

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