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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He has spoiled my birthday to accommodate his ex

618 replies

RuRue · 04/03/2022 11:05

It's my birthday next weekend, for the first time in years I made plans. I haven't really bothered with my last few birthdays, a few reasons for that really, depression, finances etc. I don't usually drink but planned to have a few glasses of wine at home on Friday when the kids go to bed, bit of a pamper, long bubble bath then spend the day on Saturday with my DM. Bit of shopping, she was going to treat me to lunch etc. Child free.

The above was encouraged OH who said he wanted me to have some "me" time and time off mum duties (3 young DC who I care for almost single handedly due to his work). He booked the Friday and Saturday off work well in advance to accommodate.

Yesterday on the way home from taking DSC home he rings me and says his ex asked him if he will have the kids overnight next Friday as an extra contact, so she can go and spend the night at her mum's for a break.

He didn't bother to consult me, just told her yes and told me after the fact.

FWIW she gets plenty of breaks, her kids are in school FT and she gets help from family. I get none.

This now means my plans are down the drain because there's no way he'll cope with all 6 on his own. I'm always expected to be present when his kids come.. which I'm fine with during the scheduled days but I don't want to sacrifice my birthday.

After discussing it at length he thinks the best compromise is that I go and stay at a premier inn with the youngest for my "break" and he'll juggle the rest on his own, like that's doing me a favour.

So just another night of night feeds and broken sleep, just in a shitty hotel and not my own surroundings. That's not a treat for me.

Please, no comments about the amount of children or the trademark "why did you have kids with this man" it's not helpful and just sticks the boot in.

I love the kids, I just want one thing for myself after making sacrifices for years to accommodate his ex on her jollies, concerts, impromptu visits to friends and family etc.

He has been an arse hasn't he? AIBU?

OP posts:
DoNotTouchTheWater · 04/03/2022 11:19

@RuRue

I think personally he should be telling her she has to go another time, why he hasn't done that I don't know. I suspect because she will say nope, not rearranging, and he knows I'm the mug who will take it on the chin and adapt my plans accordingly.
Do not be the mug. It’s not ok.

Now us the time to put boundaries in place and make it clear that you are not last in line.

phoenixrosehere · 04/03/2022 11:19

Go OP.

He needs to tell his ex that he made a mistake and she needs to make other arrangements. That’s it

Could he leave the youngest with your mum if you are worried about the older kids being too rowdy?

averythinline · 04/03/2022 11:19

The answer is in your latest response...don't be a mug..

Why are u less important than his ex

Maybe he does need to look after all his children 🤔

Nomoreusernames1244 · 04/03/2022 11:19

. I disagree. They’re his kids. If he’s agreed to have them then it’s not down to him to tell his ex it’s inconvenient because his DP isn’t there. It’s up to him to look after the kids he’s agreed to look after

This.

Go to your mums op and leave him to it.

Original poster
RuRue · 04/03/2022 11:20

I'll be honest I did go a bit batshit last night when he got home. I said it was disrespectful, out of line, grossly unfair.

He apologised and said he just didn't think, but what good is that really?

He knew exactly what he was doing and I bet she did too.

Thank you for the support! I might show him this thread actually

OP posts:
violetbunny · 04/03/2022 11:20

It doesn't matter if she knew it was your birthday or not. He sure knew, and he should have said no.
Honestly I would be having strong words with him over this. Let him know that he will be having all 6 unless he figures out a different arrangement with his ex.

Nomoreusernames1244 · 04/03/2022 11:20

He needs to tell his ex that he made a mistake and she needs to make other arrangements. That’s it

Nope. He agreed to look after all 6 kids, he should look after all 6 kids.

AgentJohnson · 04/03/2022 11:21

he knows I'm the mug who will take it on the chin and adapt my plans accordingly.

You don’t have to but you do choose to. Stop being the path of least resistance, simple!

Igotmylipstickon · 04/03/2022 11:21

@Igotmylipstickon

Yes he is being an arse. For a start he booked the time off well in advance for this, so how could he not know it was your birthday?

Let him take responsibility for his own actions and look after all of the children. You can be sure that this situation won't happen again.

Could you go to your DM's on Friday night and have some wine with her before your shopping trip?

Sorry, just noticed the birthday was about the ex not knowing, not DH. Ignore that bit.
Viviennemary · 04/03/2022 11:21

He will just have to cope with all 6 on his own. Don't change your plans.

saraclara · 04/03/2022 11:21

It doesn’t matter if she knew or not - he knew.

Exactly. She might or might not have remembered it's your birthday (I'm really not sure why she should - I have enough trouble remembering my own close family's birthdays) and she almost certainly didn't know what plans you had.

It was down to him to say 'sorry, I can't this weekend' but he didn't.

bluebirdwings · 04/03/2022 11:21

Book a weekend away & leave him with all 6.
I'll bet he thinks twice about doing this again then.

WeDontShutUpAboutBruno · 04/03/2022 11:23

If his ex takes the kids near that person it's 100% on her and absolutely not your fault.

I'm a single parent of 6 dc (a couple are adults now but I was single with a baby and another 5 under 10, and I coped so I'm damned sure your dh can cope for a night in his own. He would have to if you planned to be away. His learned helplessness is manipulative at best.

Go to the hotel by yourself, and leave him to cope with his kids by himself.

Original poster
RuRue · 04/03/2022 11:24

If I didn't have my youngest I would just say "fuck it" and leave him to it, unfortunately I just wouldn't be able relax leaving baby there knowing how rowdy the older ones are and how overwhelmed he'll be on his own. He won't be able to supervise properly.

Some good suggestions here thank you, I may have a chat with my DM.

OP posts:
AlternativePerspective · 04/03/2022 11:24

I don't really feel comfortable leaving the youngest with him when he's got all of the others on his own. His older kids are too rowdy, run riot and there's always accidents. OP you have far more serious problems here tbh.

If he’s really not capable of looking after one of your children then you need to give some serious thought to your marriage and whether you want to stay married to a man who is a danger to your children.Or you need to be honest with yourself and question whether he really isn’t capable, or whether you don’t feel he does things in the way you would do them, and therefore you’re uncomfortable with the idea.

If the youngest really isn’t safe with him then you need to look at where your marriage is going, question whether you should stay in the marriage, and if you divorce you need to seek supervised contact only between him and the DC.

If as I suspect however you’re just not comfortable with the way he does things vs the way you do them, you’re going to need to get past this and leave him to it. The only way he is going to cope is if he’s made to cope. By agreeing to compromise you are enabling his crap parenting.

Ylvamoon · 04/03/2022 11:24

Go on your own to the hotel and enjoy your time with your mum.
He changed HIS plans for the weekend.

The kids will be fine, a bit of chaos and positive neglect won't harm them.

BigHairyCoconut · 04/03/2022 11:25

You're only a mug if you allow yourself to become one. Leave the six kids with him. If he finds it hard to cope, tough shit. At least he won't do it again. But if you cancel or change you plans, he's going to keep doing shit like this because he can get away with relying on the mug.

JustLyra · 04/03/2022 11:25

@RuRue

If I didn't have my youngest I would just say "fuck it" and leave him to it, unfortunately I just wouldn't be able relax leaving baby there knowing how rowdy the older ones are and how overwhelmed he'll be on his own. He won't be able to supervise properly.

Some good suggestions here thank you, I may have a chat with my DM.

If you make clear you are going I’d bet he’ll tell his ex he can’t.

And if he genuinely can’t deal with them all then he can think of alternatives or ask for help.

Let this be his problem.

mocktail · 04/03/2022 11:25

I bet he'll soon change the plans if he finds out he's got to look after all 6 on his own. Stick to your guns.

Original poster
RuRue · 04/03/2022 11:25

I have no issue leaving youngest with him when it's just our children, he copes just fine.

It's having all 6 at once that is the problem. The older ones are too rowdy, don't listen and somebody always ends up getting hurt.

OP posts:
BoredZelda · 04/03/2022 11:26

and he knows I'm the mug who will take it on the chin and adapt my plans accordingly.

If you keep doing it, so will he.

Not sure what your AIBU is, as the solution is obviously to say no, which you obviously have no intention of doing.

AgentJohnson · 04/03/2022 11:26

I think it’s ironic that the OP is blaming her H for not standing up to his Ex but appears reluctant to make a stand against her H.

MrMrsJones · 04/03/2022 11:26

@RuRue

I think personally he should be telling her she has to go another time, why he hasn't done that I don't know. I suspect because she will say nope, not rearranging, and he knows I'm the mug who will take it on the chin and adapt my plans accordingly.
Don't be the mug then

Your plans Trump any other because you organised it first.

Let him have all of the kids, it was his choice.

And don't be one of those mums that say, oh he wouldn't cope, it's about time he grew up and go on with it...women do so I'm sure he will to.

Go and have an amazing time, turn your phone off

Sisisimone · 04/03/2022 11:26

She needs to make other arrangements and he needs to tell her. It really doesn't have to be any more complicated than that

Thinkingblonde · 04/03/2022 11:27

Stick to your plans, he’ll have to cope.
If nothing else it’ll let him know you’re not a mug.
What would he do if you were taken ill and it was his contact weekend?
He’d have to cope.
He’ll have to parent his older children for once.