Ditched from family holiday

[PetrasPurse]

For the last 12ish years (except for 2020), my parents have taken my siblings and I on an annual trip to a lovely villa in Italy. This started in our late teens and we are now all in our mid - late 20s.

We have the best time together, have made precious memories, and look forward to this every year. I appreciate how privileged I am, and how generous it is of them to treat us all, as we didn't have many holidays together when we were younger and now they are much more well off we are really making up for it. They have even paid for our partners and kids to join as the family has expanded. It feels like a precious family tradition.

My AIBU is this; this week the people at the villa contacted to say they couldn't accommodate our original dates this year, and offered us several alternative dates instead. My mum asked us all for our availability and I replied saying I could do any date except one. The next day she confirmed to the family to say that she had booked for the date I said I couldn't do, as it was the cheapest option (the prices were inflated a lot compared to what they usually pay). She then confirmed she was changing everyone's flights to the new date except mine as I couldn't make it this time. AIBU to feel completely cut out from the family and furious about this. I don't really know how to respond - it feels like I have just been removed from the holiday.

Why couldn't they have kept the dates and just chosen a different villa this time instead? It makes me feel like staying at this villa is more important than all of us being there as a family. I would have 100% paid my share if it was down to money or not being able to go, but wasn't given an option. I am gutted and don't know how to respond to this. I can't stop going over it in my head. Any advice would be appreciated.

[Serendipity79]

I can understand you feeling hurt as its just you not going. But I also think one of the earlier posters was right - it makes a difference if you cant go because of surgery, or because of concert tickets. If the price difference is massive and your parents have been paying for years, perhaps they just aren't willing to swallow the difference for whatever your prior commitment is that you dont want to share with anyone.

Only you know your family and how to approach with them that you feel hurt being the one that's left out

[Jumpingintomenopause]

I can see why you feel hurt, I would too. Is there any way you could join them for part of the trip?

[Whitecushion]

Odd not to have spoken to you about it. I would not leave any of my adult children out. It would feel very wrong. I understand how hurt you must feel.

[whynotwhatknot]

I agree op i think its sad they value a building more than being together

[bluebell34567]

@florianfortescue

I would be very hurt by this. YANBU. I think you should have a direct conversation with your parents about it. Don't let it fester for a year or more.

You can couch it in positive terms - "I love spending time with you all on holiday and am really disappointed to be the only one missing out, is there no alternative accommodation that we could look at for a date that works for everyone?". That is a perfectly reasonable question.

agree.

[bluebell34567]

@Popfan

I think you need to tell your parents how upset you are about it otherwise it will fester. I understand to why you are so hurt, I would be too.

agree.

[Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov]

What was everyone else's availability like? If there was always going to be a week where someone was missing I can understand them going with the cheapest week.

[Viviennemary]

Why can't you go on the date offered if its so important to you.

[Holskey]

[quote PetrasPurse]@mcmooberry thank you, so many people keep asking why I have decided to prioritize another commitment - but it's not the case at all - the villa changed the dates and they have prioritized the villa over everyone being there.[/quote]
I voted yanbu, and I get why your hurt, but again, without knowing why you can't make it, it's impossible for us to know if perhaps your parents think you should have changed your prior arrangement.

It doesn't matter that the villa changed the dates and that it's not your fault. It is what it is and if your parents think you could make it if you really wanted, then sticking with the villa they love at the cheapest time may not be unreasonable. It may also explain why they've not handled it sensitively.

[marble1]

OP said she would pay the difference for her costs. Not the whole family if I understood correctly.

[Shinyflecks]

They probably think you’d be ok with it. They probably think, “well blank is an adult and she can’t do that date.” What with covid I’m sure they really don’t want to risk not having their holiday this year. I don’t been to mean but you’re simply not their universe.

[imadeitnice]

I should imagine they're just as upset/annoyed with you for not changing whatever it is you already have planned. How do you know that all other available date options wouldn't have resulted in even less of the family being able to attend.
Arranging anything for a large group is a nightmare. In my family, if an event is planned, we're all asked when we can/can't do. The dates are always settled by working out which dates suit the majority. There's rarely an event that everyone can make.

[HemanOrSheRa]

When my parents were alive we had family holidays like this OP. Particularly with my Dad, who outlived my Mum by many years. It was something we all looked forward to and enjoyed. I completely understand you are upset, I would be too. I do think you need to say something though.

[TokyoTen]

Perhaps they don't know what it means to you. I think it's amazing there hasn't been a date clash for 12 years AND everyone is still happy to go together. YABU I think

[ThanksItHasPockets]

OP, I understand why you might want to be cagey about the exact nature of the commitment on here, but a) do your family know what it is and b) if so is it possible that they don’t consider it to be important enough to plan the holiday around and therefore feel that you have bumped them down your priorities?

[appleturnovers]

You are right to feel hurt by it, it's just such a weird decision-making process.

Other PPs have said that there was always going to come a time when someone couldn't make it, and that's true, BUT, I would still have expected that to come after lots of consideration of the various options first. And I do have quite a bit of experience of this - my DH has 3 siblings plus nieces and nephews who all live in a different country and we all meet up twice a year... the idea of setting a date that one person couldn't make would just be unthinkable! The only time it's happened was during Covid when me and DH legally weren't allowed to come.

That said, your family sound close knit and lovely, so I very much doubt the decision was based on you being the least important person. I'd guess it was more a lack of flexible thinking on whoever did the booking - i.e. the thought of getting a different villa didn't even occur to them. Perhaps you should suggest it (although it may be too late to change now).

[50DaysAF]

Tell them how you feel.

It’ll eat away at you otherwise.

[Leeds2]

I would be very upset by this, as I don't think YABU to want DP to swap to an alternative venue on the dates originally agreed. I find it really hard to believe they didn't discuss this with you first.
Have your siblings said anything to you about it? At all?
Tbh, I don't think I would be going next time either.

[ChiefWiggumsBoy]

I don't believe anyone on this thread that wouldn't be upset by this.

I can only assume OP's parents had minutes to make a decision else they would have decided something else. I can't help but put myself in this position and think that my mum would sooner cancel the whole thing (and has done before) than exclude me because I couldn't make it. That being said - maybe as you've been going every year for 12 years they didn't think you'd mind so much not being able to go this year?

[appleturnovers]

I should imagine they're just as upset/annoyed with you for not changing whatever it is you already have planned.

Well that would be pretty rude of them if that's the case (which it probably isn't). In what world to prior commitments not take priority over yet-to-be-made plans?

[TatianaBis]

I totally understand why you’re upset. It’s an odd thing to do for a family holiday.

There are 1000s of villas in Italy, and everyone has suffered because of Covid, there are good deals to be had. No question you would have been able to find an alternative villa in the area.

[PlacidPenelope]

I'd feel hurt too in your shoes, @PetrasPurse, YANBU.

However, I do think you need to talk to your mother about this as someone else said as it will indeed fester otherwise and by talk I mean actual talk either face to face or over the phone, don't text.

[Pallisers]

I'd be very upset, OP. And if I did this to one of my 3 young adult children, they'd be upset too. I wouldn't do it unless there was no alternative.

I don't think parents have any business organising a family holiday if it is only affordable when you exclude one person from the family.

I'd say it to my parents and if I hurt one of my children like that I'd prefer if they said it to me. Sometimes people make a mistake or get the wrong end of the stick or just do the wrong thing. Best to clear the air.

[FairFuming]

Wow. I'd be really upset in this situation. I think you need to speak to them about it and ask why properly.
Do you normally have a good relationship? Have you asked yout siblings what they think?

[imadeitnice]

@appleturnovers

I should imagine they're just as upset/annoyed with you for not changing whatever it is you already have planned.

Well that would be pretty rude of them if that's the case (which it probably isn't). In what world to prior commitments not take priority over yet-to-be-made plans?

Prior commitments may well take priority for the person that has them. But they don't take priority over other peoples commitments. Like I said, maybe out of the whole group, the date that has been booked works best for the majority.