Ditched from family holiday

[PetrasPurse]

For the last 12ish years (except for 2020), my parents have taken my siblings and I on an annual trip to a lovely villa in Italy. This started in our late teens and we are now all in our mid - late 20s.

We have the best time together, have made precious memories, and look forward to this every year. I appreciate how privileged I am, and how generous it is of them to treat us all, as we didn't have many holidays together when we were younger and now they are much more well off we are really making up for it. They have even paid for our partners and kids to join as the family has expanded. It feels like a precious family tradition.

My AIBU is this; this week the people at the villa contacted to say they couldn't accommodate our original dates this year, and offered us several alternative dates instead. My mum asked us all for our availability and I replied saying I could do any date except one. The next day she confirmed to the family to say that she had booked for the date I said I couldn't do, as it was the cheapest option (the prices were inflated a lot compared to what they usually pay). She then confirmed she was changing everyone's flights to the new date except mine as I couldn't make it this time. AIBU to feel completely cut out from the family and furious about this. I don't really know how to respond - it feels like I have just been removed from the holiday.

Why couldn't they have kept the dates and just chosen a different villa this time instead? It makes me feel like staying at this villa is more important than all of us being there as a family. I would have 100% paid my share if it was down to money or not being able to go, but wasn't given an option. I am gutted and don't know how to respond to this. I can't stop going over it in my head. Any advice would be appreciated.

[Holskey]

Without knowing why you can't make it, I can't say your parents are BU. They might think you're BU for choosing whatever other arrangements you had over this lovely holiday in this perfect villa at the cheapest time.

[PetrasPurse]

@notthatonethisone thank you for your message and for understanding why I am so upset. I really appreciate it. X

[Juniper68]

[quote PetrasPurse]@saraclara thanks, I appreciate your comment. They did not consult with me on this at all and they cancelled my flight. They also did not ask me to change the dates as they understand I cannot get out of this.[/quote]
That's terrible I'd be furious.

Have a lovely break with your own family and stuff them.

[mcmooberry]

Have no idea why anyone would say YABU, it's horribly hurtful and dismissive, the show going on without you.

Were there other dates available that everyone could make? If so I think they should have booked that, even if it meant asking you all for a contribution.

I would be very hurt too - and would tell them!

[PetrasPurse]

@mummabubs

I can genuinely see both sides, but I think the part that would feel weird to me is that there was no communication between "which dates can you all do" and "we've rearranged to this date". If it were my family (although I'd like to think they wouldn't ever go without one of us) they would definitely have reached out to the one person affected first and explained that they were thinking of rebooking for the date I couldn't do because of xyz, what were my thoughts. I wonder if that's part of the pain for you OP, that there was no communication and you were subsequently blindsided by the decision?

@mummabubs yes, I was completely blindsided by the decision and there was no acknowledgement that I might be upset by it. They have just acted like everything is normal, making me feel like I would be unreasonable to share my feelings. Perhaps that I why I feel son angry right now. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

[Duracellbunnywannabe]

I agree with PP - the reason you can’t make that date is important. Are you already on holiday?

[Dishwashersaurous]

I think that for the family it's such a tradition that it's that villa that everyone goes to. That it wouldn't occur to them to try and find somewhere else.

It's not organising a family holiday.

It's going as a family to that villa.

I assume that your mum knows whether your commitment is movable. And if not that's why she did what she did with the flights

[FusionChefGeoff]

I think it's horrible and I would be distraught tbh.

OP doesn't have to be pathetically grateful that they never ditched her before!! - the fact is they've chosen to go on a family holiday without you when other options were available.

It sucks

[PetrasPurse]

@mcmooberry thank you, so many people keep asking why I have decided to prioritize another commitment - but it's not the case at all - the villa changed the dates and they have prioritized the villa over everyone being there.

[Soul11Soul]

No one here is going to be able to make you feel better about this OP. Speak to your parents and tell them how hurt you feel at being excluded without consultation. It doesn't have to turn into a big hooha but this will fester if you don't speak to them.

[Sisisimone]

It sounds like they had to rearrange for everyone, including rescheduling flights, at quite short notice. I can understand why they would just go ahead and re-book if only 1 person couldn't make the new date as it sounds a bit of a logistical nightmare

Is there no way you could just book your own flights and join them for at least part of the holiday or is you prior commitment for the whole length of the holiday?

[Dishwashersaurous]

You are right. They have prioritised the villa above all else.

Are you going to tell your parents that you feel hurt?

[Erinyes]

I get that you’re hurt, but I also don’t see why you think everyone else out of what sounds like a large and expanding group should miss out on the villa everyone loves at a less unaffordable date because you can’t make it. Rather than griping about missing out this year, why not be happy you’ve had what sounds like a lovely holiday st your parents’ expense for 12 years?

As a pp said, arranging large group holidays is a nightmare.

[SpiderinaWingMirror]

How many go? Villas with 4 or more bedrooms are pretty scarce, more so for this summer than usual.i think it might be naive to think it's easy to just find something suitable at the normal cost.

[WTF475878237NC]

It's a lot of hassle trying to find another villa I guess. Presumably as they're not nasty people they had a look anyway before going with the date you can't do at the usual villa.

[BusinessMindThoughts]

I understand that would feel really hurtful. Only thing I can think of is that they felt under pressure to book something asap in case more places sell out - I've felt this when looking/booking holidays in the past.

Are you the eldest sibling? Maybe they think you have more 'flown the nest' so to speak? (I'm slightly grasping at straws here to explain their decision!)

[HeadacheGrey]

That's sounds really hurtful OP, I'd be fuming.

[StScholastica]

You seem quite reticent to let us know why you can't go on that date. It really does make a difference. If you can't go because you are having surgery, that is a whole different level to you not being able to go due to having tickets for Coldplay.

[marble1]

As everyone grows older there will be surely regularly times when not everyone can make it. Seems it has been handled badly by your parents though. As you are close , can you not just call her and ask what happened? It may have been the only time that suited the most people? They should have let you know though. The reason you can't make it seems to be important too, as maybe they think you have chosen that over them. Hope it works out next year.

[daretodenim]

I get it OP.

My MIL organised a massive family party with all extended family present. Meant to be a kind of reunion thing. She sent a few dates to her three kids to check they and their families could all come on one those options. There was one we couldn't because it wasn't during our school holidays (and distance would have meant a Fri and Mon off school - not possible
.). All dates were fine for everyone apart from that one for us. And she chose that one. DH was gutted. Literally couldn't get his head around her choosing the one he and his kids couldn't attend.

We said nothing, other than explain to people who asked that we couldn't come. It was awful. She's never done anything like that since, not had she before (with any of her kids). But to be honest it's altered a trust in the relationship. DH won't do anything to make her uncomfortable, but now any time there's a plan made "for family" he's not sure whether she will actually mind if he's missing.

The reason, there was a cheaper price for the location rental (not massive..) that weekend plus she'd got herself into a tizz with the organisation.

Sounds like it might be similar reasons.

[MiniCooperLover]

I understand why you're sad OP, it seems drastic to not have you in the trip rather than swap villas. I'd be desperately disappointed too. Have you said anything?

[EmmaH2022]

I might be clutching at straws but is there a big non refundable deposit? I'm just wondering if there's a factor like that which they might think you know about.

[Briony123]

You can just go next year instead.

[BusinessMindThoughts]

@mummabubs

I can genuinely see both sides, but I think the part that would feel weird to me is that there was no communication between "which dates can you all do" and "we've rearranged to this date". If it were my family (although I'd like to think they wouldn't ever go without one of us) they would definitely have reached out to the one person affected first and explained that they were thinking of rebooking for the date I couldn't do because of xyz, what were my thoughts. I wonder if that's part of the pain for you OP, that there was no communication and you were subsequently blindsided by the decision?

Yeah, actually if I was the parents I might have even pretended 'actually the villa only had the one date available in the end so we had to book that one' - it seems really weird to be all 'oh we've chosen this one' and leave it unspoken that 'and that means you can't come, soz'

[RincewindsHat]

I'd feel the same way as you, OP. It's so weird that your parents did not communicate with you, explain the situation and ask if you'd be alright with them booking for the dates you cannot make as there's no way they can make it happen otherwise etc. Something slightly similar happened to me last week in my family and I am still a little miffed about it. Not going to cause a fuss but definitely feeling a little cool towards my parents right now.