Ditched from family holiday

[PetrasPurse]

For the last 12ish years (except for 2020), my parents have taken my siblings and I on an annual trip to a lovely villa in Italy. This started in our late teens and we are now all in our mid - late 20s.

We have the best time together, have made precious memories, and look forward to this every year. I appreciate how privileged I am, and how generous it is of them to treat us all, as we didn't have many holidays together when we were younger and now they are much more well off we are really making up for it. They have even paid for our partners and kids to join as the family has expanded. It feels like a precious family tradition.

My AIBU is this; this week the people at the villa contacted to say they couldn't accommodate our original dates this year, and offered us several alternative dates instead. My mum asked us all for our availability and I replied saying I could do any date except one. The next day she confirmed to the family to say that she had booked for the date I said I couldn't do, as it was the cheapest option (the prices were inflated a lot compared to what they usually pay). She then confirmed she was changing everyone's flights to the new date except mine as I couldn't make it this time. AIBU to feel completely cut out from the family and furious about this. I don't really know how to respond - it feels like I have just been removed from the holiday.

Why couldn't they have kept the dates and just chosen a different villa this time instead? It makes me feel like staying at this villa is more important than all of us being there as a family. I would have 100% paid my share if it was down to money or not being able to go, but wasn't given an option. I am gutted and don't know how to respond to this. I can't stop going over it in my head. Any advice would be appreciated.

I dread my kids turning out like this ... so entitled that in their 20's they're still expecting us to pick up the tab for them and running off crying about the injustice when something doesn't quite go their way.
I'm going to show this thread to DP who seems to be of the opinion that we make our kids lives as easy, particularly financially, as we can right into adulthood. I'm think that we try to help them become more independent and self-sufficient as soon as possible so they can stand on their own two feet.
I dread the idea that one day we might have one of our kids turn around after 12 years of free holidaying and complain that we didn't move heaven and earth to make sure they could come on a date of their choosing, and go onto the internet to talk about how their family now clearly hates them...

I imagine the reason she's acting normal, and as if there's nothing wrong is because to her there is nothing wrong.
I can understand you're upset, however I think you're overreacting slightly to be furious. I'd assume they've gone with dates a majority of the family could make. It's unfortunate that you can't this time, though I'm surprised that you've all managed 12 years without people not making it before.

In the end it’s not about ‘free’ holidays, missing out or feeling entitled.
The issue is that a close knit family who have a history of holidaying happily together have made a change, that means 1 member of this family can no longer attend, with NO consultation.

It’s just downright weird and very hurtful to do this without a conversation.
I regularly holiday with my parents and sibling. My parents have subsided this (out of choice) for years. My mum would NEVER make family holiday plans without discussion with all concerned.

@Juniper68

There are some strange people posting that think this is ok. I despair at the human race sometimes.

Of all the things going on in tbe wold and this is what makes you despair of humanity 🤷🏼‍♀️

@Lovelteers

OP - you have a solution, make the effort to change your other plans and come on this holiday.

OP’s parents have already cancelled her flights, without asking her if she can change her other commitment.

As OP has said the other commitment isn’t fun and can’t be changed, I’m thinking along the lines of appearing as a witness in a court case.

Some of my relatives and ex's family do the big family holiday with adult children and grandchildren every other year. The location and dates are not always suitable for everyone but those that miss out one year get priority the next time.

It is upsetting for those that miss out but it can't be helped. I have noticed that it's often the younger adult relatives without children that can't be accommodated due to other commitments - they seem to have more on socially or from work/training/education.

It seems to be a mix of more effort from grandparents to accommodate those with children, families more easily able to arrange time off for holidays or the younger relatives viewed as less enthusiastic about being included?

Hope you get this sorted.

I kinda suspect there weren’t any comparable alternatives lower than what was offered to your parents at this date. The rates for this specific villa are mostly likely in line with other rentals in the area. For whatever reasons, the specific dates your parents booked are slightly less popular than the others: maybe it’s between events or festivals occurring in that area. If anything, it’s possible that the owner offered a lower price to your parents for that “off period” than they would have anyone else since they had been good customers for 12 years. Perhaps your mother should have discussed it with you first before booking and cancelling your ticket: Explaining the price difference between the date you can’t make and the ones you can and asking if it was all possible for you to change your schedule or maybe if you can pay the difference if you can’t. Though, maybe she felt uncomfortable going into financial specifics with you or believed it would have been a struggle for you to pay the difference. Also, would you have resented being asked to chip in a significant amount when your siblings weren’t?

In fact there will be a range of prices in any given area depending on the agent, whether it’s owner run, and depending in the spec.

If it’s Tuscany or Umbria there will have been a plethora of other options.

@Lovelteers

I dread my kids turning out like this ... so entitled that in their 20's they're still expecting us to pick up the tab for them and running off crying about the injustice when something doesn't quite go their way. I'm going to show this thread to DP who seems to be of the opinion that we make our kids lives as easy, particularly financially, as we can right into adulthood. I'm think that we try to help them become more independent and self-sufficient as soon as possible so they can stand on their own two feet. I dread the idea that one day we might have one of our kids turn around after 12 years of free holidaying and complain that we didn't move heaven and earth to make sure they could come on a date of their choosing, and go onto the internet to talk about how their family now clearly hates them...

Have you even read her posts? She has offered to pay every year, she is always turned down. She isn’t upset because she isn’t getting a free holiday, she is upset because she loves spending time with her family, and the trip has been rearranged to the only date she absolutely cannot do. If it had been discussed with her, she could have offered to cover the difference in cost and go another week, or could have offered to find another cheaper villa, but she wasn’t even given these options and instead just had her trip cancelled. If my family did that to me I'd be really upset and I can't believe anyone thinks it's ok to exclude one particular family member like that

You need to communicate and ask your mum what happened wrt their decision. Then you'll understand where they're coming from and if they are being harsh / reasonable. Definitely try and clear the air.

‘ Have you even read her posts? ’

Yes, and I think OP needs to grow up. And talk to the parents. And if this holiday is so very important, skip the other commitment.
I completely get why the parents want to go back to the place they have gone to for years and it’s not easy finding new accommodation for a big group.
Op can go next year, and stop whining about missing one trip.

None of this is about money or free holidays. It's about a long standng activity that the family always do together. But this year op has been excluded without any discussion or any attempt to find a solution so she can go too. It's not unreasonable to feel hurt.

@Smartiepants79

In the end it’s not about ‘free’ holidays, missing out or feeling entitled. The issue is that a close knit family who have a history of holidaying happily together have made a change, that means 1 member of this family can no longer attend, with NO consultation. It’s just downright weird and very hurtful to do this without a conversation. I regularly holiday with my parents and sibling. My parents have subsided this (out of choice) for years. My mum would NEVER make family holiday plans without discussion with all concerned.

This is what I said a few pages back. You are spot on. So many people seem to have trouble understanding this on here. I find them bizarre.

@LikeABreathRipplingBy

None of this is about money or free holidays. It's about a long standng activity that the family always do together. But this year op has been excluded without any discussion or any attempt to find a solution so she can go too. It's not unreasonable to feel hurt.

This.

Op needs to talk to the parents and ask why that week. There’ll be a very good reason. And it’s prob not that they want to ditch her from the family….

I don’t know why people are saying excluded - she was invited but couldn’t make the dates
When making arrangements with a number of adults this often happens - usually the person who can’t make it bows out gracefully
The only questionable bit is the cancellation of the flight without discussion which stung .On the flip side OP couldn’t go and was expecting everyone to accommodate her dates at a higher price which is unreasonable - maybe the fait accompli was to close this down

LINABE I know it's weird. Not about the money at all.

@Lovelteers

I dread my kids turning out like this ... so entitled that in their 20's they're still expecting us to pick up the tab for them and running off crying about the injustice when something doesn't quite go their way. I'm going to show this thread to DP who seems to be of the opinion that we make our kids lives as easy, particularly financially, as we can right into adulthood. I'm think that we try to help them become more independent and self-sufficient as soon as possible so they can stand on their own two feet. I dread the idea that one day we might have one of our kids turn around after 12 years of free holidaying and complain that we didn't move heaven and earth to make sure they could come on a date of their choosing, and go onto the internet to talk about how their family now clearly hates them...

Why are so many people so insistent on not reading the OP's actual words?

She's made it clear time and time and time again, it's not about the money, it's about being swiftly excluded from the group without any explanation, or any discussion of alternatives. The hurt would be exactly the same if they were camping in Bognor.

@CoastalWave

'The fixation on what I"m doing on that date is weird'

Well, no really. You're the one throwing a massive hissy fit. I'm still struggling to understand what can't be rearranged/cancelled so that you can go on the holiday?!

Maybe it's another holiday with friends that's already booked and paid for. Maybe it's a friend's wedding. What is so hard to imagine about that?

In what world is it normal and accepted practice to book a group holiday on a date when you know one of the attendees can't come, and just demand they cancel their previous plans? I really hope that's not how you actually treat your own friends and family.

It's fairly normal practice when making group plans to try and work around everyone's prior commitments first and foremost, and only book dates that one person can't make if there is a compelling reason, such as there are no dates that everyone can do so you have to go with the majority. Maybe that was the case with OP's parents, but the point is, if it was the case then they didn't EXPLAIN that to her, leaving her with the feeling that she's just a spare part who doesn't matter.

Exactly @appleturnovers . I think some posters are so consumed by jealousy that OP has had a free holiday for a number of years, that it blinds them to what the actual issue is.

There are so many things that she may be doing that can't possibly be cancelled. In my job I am only allowed to take annual leave at a certain time, going away at a different time absolutely wouldn't be possible. Someone else mentioned being a witness, or maybe they're being a bridesmaid. I can't believe someone would struggle to think of situations like this.

It doesn't matter what it is, the OP has said it CAN'T be changed.

In what world is it normal and accepted practice to book a group holiday on a date when you know one of the attendees can't come, and just demand they cancel their previous plans? I really hope that's not how you actually treat your own friends and family
No modus demanded anything.
Tbe op wod have been having her nice holiday if the world hadnt thrown a massive curve ball and the long standing plan had to be changed. It just sou ds like everything had to be quickly arranged to get flights for numerous people
It is highly likely that someone was going to miss out as the original date was so long standing everyone could and did plan round this this change has happened quickly.

Hopefully it will be back to normal next year.
I dont think the OP would be so vocal about fairness jf it was someone else that couldnt make it . I suspect she thinks it's unfair that she drew the short straw.

I just think this is an exceptional year. There's been a pandemic. Holidays and rentals are all over the place. Prices are hiking. They may have put down a deposit. They may have been under time pressure to agree. They may have not been able to face trying to go back and forth for weeks with lots of complex and different schedules. Next year things can probably get back to normal so if I were the OP I'd try to focus on that rather than deciding it's something exceptional about excluding me.

One year that it doesn't go right, and people are talking in such dramatic terms about dented relationships etc. I think it's unreasonable for anyone in a similar situation not to just chat to your mum and dad in a nice way and find out what's gone on and why they thought that was the only way, rather than starting a big thread saying they've been "ditched" from the family holiday on a public forum. If it was my close family member doing that about me - when I'd trying my best to do something nice for them for years - I would be far more hurt than the OPfeels now. I would feel (if I were the close family member) that going online to complain about me to the whole world was really really hurtful and I question why people think that's ok just to air a bit of hurt feelings. We all have to deal with hurt feelings etc sometimes. This just seems blown out of all proportion to me by some of the posters on here.

You haven’t been ditched. You’re not available at the time convenient and affordable to your hosts. That’s (adult) life.