Ditched from family holiday

[PetrasPurse]

For the last 12ish years (except for 2020), my parents have taken my siblings and I on an annual trip to a lovely villa in Italy. This started in our late teens and we are now all in our mid - late 20s.

We have the best time together, have made precious memories, and look forward to this every year. I appreciate how privileged I am, and how generous it is of them to treat us all, as we didn't have many holidays together when we were younger and now they are much more well off we are really making up for it. They have even paid for our partners and kids to join as the family has expanded. It feels like a precious family tradition.

My AIBU is this; this week the people at the villa contacted to say they couldn't accommodate our original dates this year, and offered us several alternative dates instead. My mum asked us all for our availability and I replied saying I could do any date except one. The next day she confirmed to the family to say that she had booked for the date I said I couldn't do, as it was the cheapest option (the prices were inflated a lot compared to what they usually pay). She then confirmed she was changing everyone's flights to the new date except mine as I couldn't make it this time. AIBU to feel completely cut out from the family and furious about this. I don't really know how to respond - it feels like I have just been removed from the holiday.

Why couldn't they have kept the dates and just chosen a different villa this time instead? It makes me feel like staying at this villa is more important than all of us being there as a family. I would have 100% paid my share if it was down to money or not being able to go, but wasn't given an option. I am gutted and don't know how to respond to this. I can't stop going over it in my head. Any advice would be appreciated.

I would be very hurt by this. YANBU. I think you should have a direct conversation with your parents about it. Don't let it fester for a year or more.

You can couch it in positive terms - "I love spending time with you all on holiday and am really disappointed to be the only one missing out, is there no alternative accommodation that we could look at for a date that works for everyone?". That is a perfectly reasonable question.

Hi OP, I think you have no choice but to accept it unless you can rearrange your commitments.

It's sad it'll be the first year you won't all be together, but it was going to happen at some stage.

I'm surprised your DM didn't call you first to confirm before changing everything, but I suspect if you're busy, she thought that getting everyone else together would be the best thing she could do.

If it happened to me, I'd be upset too, but eventually I'd accept it cos I couldn't make those dates.

It’s a bit strange that they made this decision without looking at alternatives or even asking if you were prepared to pay the extra!
I’d be very hurt too.
I think you’re going to have to have it out with them and explain how deeply this has upset you. It’s just going to eat away at you and undermine your future relationship.

I would be upset tooOp, more by their lack of communication and discussion than anything else. I’m sorry you’ve been treated like this I would have an honest conversation with your parents explaining that you feel hurt. Won’t change anything this year but hopefully will clear any resentment and protect your relationship (which other than this, sounds lovely!) moving forward.

Why don't you contact your mum and just say you feel really sad about not going and would it be possible for you to pay the difference between the dates they've chosen and another time you could all go? That way she knows how upset you are and may rethink.

After 12 lovely years I can well imagine you are absolute gutted.

I think you would be very silly not to tell your parents.

It seems they have been very abrupt in the manner they have done it without a single conversation.

Tell them.

I think that you may need to get this into financial perspective to understand their motivation.

I'd try pricing it up yourself for the date they're going on versus when you could go, plus if a similar spec venue was available - I don't think that their quality of accommodation should have to be lowered to suit you. Prices really are crazy atm.

That said, I know that my parents, who also take all of us away, wouldn't do this if all wished to join.

I would be very upset. Surely the best thing to do would be find a villa and date to suit everybody? What have your siblings said?

@Awrite the OP sounds absolutely grateful for this privilege, not sure where you feel she isn't. Not wanting to be left out doesn't mean she's ungrateful.

OP you must say something as it seems the location convenient location seems to be more important than having the family together. Say something to your mum and email each sibling separately too.

I would also be hurt that your siblings haven't said 'but if Petras can't go it won't be the same' and they should have also urged a rethink.

People are saying it's weird the parents just went ahead and booked. I actually don't think so. It could have just been a case of knowing that at some point one of their kids will not be able to attend and they were fine with that. After 12 years of being so generous I highly doubt there's any sinister reason. Maybe to the parents and everyone else , the villa was the tradition and knowing this can't continue forever, it they didn't intentionally set out to exclude you.

I don't think it matters why OP make it if the cancelled her flight without even discussing it with her! They didn't even ask if there was a way around it! I think that's an appalling way to treat a family member.

All the comments about money are weird too. People should have to accept shitty behaviour just because they've benefitted from generosity in the past

Why is the tradition of the villa more important than the tradition of a family members presence?

OP is an adult. When we get older we learn that we can’t attend and be invited to everything and this is Just one of those occasions.

Why don't you and your siblings offer to make up the difference between what your parents usually pay versus the increase?

Is it possible that your other commitment is something that your parents think you should
move to accommodate everyone else?

You are avoiding answering the question of what this is, so my suspicion is that it’s something a bit daft and your inflexibility has actually annoyed everyone.

OP I was going to say you were ungrateful given all the free holidays but in fairness, having read the full post, I agree that I would also be upset. In my family we would a) book elsewhere/another time or b) not go at all (unless person who couldn't make it insisted they weren't bothered) rather than just dropping one person, particularly without even ringing you to ask how you'd feel about it.

They are setting a dodgy precedent too - as pp said it's going to be more and more likely someone won't make a date at some point in the future - will they do the same to them? If they rearrange in a few years because your sibling can't make x date then you will feel even worse. Surely they understand how gutted you will be with all the photos, messages they send on the family WA group etc while you are in work! Apart from anything else, they will be spending a few 100s-1000s on all your siblings and random partners, and nothing on you. Not sure what advice to give sorry, but agree I would feel gutted too.

also I know its ghoulish but I thought @backaftera2yearbreak was suggesting you look for a bnb in Ukraine and thought fuck that's a drastic alternative to a villa in Italy

@Dishwashersaurous

You are right. They have prioritised the villa above all else.

Are you going to tell your parents that you feel hurt?

But the OP is prioritising her own commitment (that she is unwilling to share what it is) over joining the family holiday. So it goes both ways.

The OP is an adult, not a child. Expecting the world to revolve round you as an adult is a bit much.

I'd be gutted too OP.

Did you offer to pay the difference OP?

Sometimes it is about the place. My family have somewhere we go every year at a fixed time. Occasionally one of my siblings can't make it. We miss them and look forward to the next time. We pay our own way now that we are adults though, not sure if that makes a difference.

Ignore the nasty comments op. It really makes no difference who pays for the holiday, its a family event that you've been excluded from and you have every right to feel upset. End of.
I think you should speak to your parents/siblings & explain how you feel, otherwise this will potentially become a bigger issue for you.

Don’t think you’re furious, just hurt. They shoud’ve Discussed with you. It’s a family thing and surely it won’t be the same with a crucial part missing. Do you think the Covid thing played a part as in they’re desperate to have a lovely holiday and establish old norms. Could you talk to them in a calm way being honest about being upset

I note that you've carefully avoided giving us any idea of what the commitment is that you can't get out of, and I'm wondering if that's because to your family it looks as if you could get out of it if you really wanted to.

Was there any discussion about your commitment? Do they know what it is? I presume they're going for a week at least. I'm trying to think what kind of commitment lasts a week and is impossible to get out of. If it's a work training course surely you could at least enquire about changing to another date? If you're chief bridesmaid for your best friend, surely you could join the family a couple of days later?

Have you booked a holiday of your own for the same date? Is that it? Perhaps your extended family feel that it's sad you can't make it this year, but you're going to be having a lovely time on holiday with friends so you won't miss Italy too much. Could that be it?

I can imagine how upset you are OP. I do think you should have the conversation with your parents and let them know how you feel, even if nothing can be done to change the arrangements.

If you are all close enough to still have and enjoy this family holiday together, then you must be able to have this conversation, and I don't think you should bottle it up. For whatever reason they have clearly underestimated how much this means to you.

Is it possible to go for part of the holiday?

@CJsGoldfish

Did you offer to pay the difference OP?

Sometimes it is about the place. My family have somewhere we go every year at a fixed time. Occasionally one of my siblings can't make it. We miss them and look forward to the next time. We pay our own way now that we are adults though, not sure if that makes a difference.

OP said she would have paid but wasn't given the option.

I think you need to tell your parents how upset you are about it otherwise it will fester. I understand to why you are so hurt, I would be too.