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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ditched from family holiday

483 replies

PetrasPurse · 03/03/2022 21:26

For the last 12ish years (except for 2020), my parents have taken my siblings and I on an annual trip to a lovely villa in Italy. This started in our late teens and we are now all in our mid - late 20s.

We have the best time together, have made precious memories, and look forward to this every year. I appreciate how privileged I am, and how generous it is of them to treat us all, as we didn't have many holidays together when we were younger and now they are much more well off we are really making up for it. They have even paid for our partners and kids to join as the family has expanded. It feels like a precious family tradition.

My AIBU is this; this week the people at the villa contacted to say they couldn't accommodate our original dates this year, and offered us several alternative dates instead. My mum asked us all for our availability and I replied saying I could do any date except one. The next day she confirmed to the family to say that she had booked for the date I said I couldn't do, as it was the cheapest option (the prices were inflated a lot compared to what they usually pay). She then confirmed she was changing everyone's flights to the new date except mine as I couldn't make it this time. AIBU to feel completely cut out from the family and furious about this. I don't really know how to respond - it feels like I have just been removed from the holiday.

Why couldn't they have kept the dates and just chosen a different villa this time instead? It makes me feel like staying at this villa is more important than all of us being there as a family. I would have 100% paid my share if it was down to money or not being able to go, but wasn't given an option. I am gutted and don't know how to respond to this. I can't stop going over it in my head. Any advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:
saraclara · 03/03/2022 23:00

@GoogleWhacked

Why don't you and your siblings offer to make up the difference between what your parents usually pay versus the increase?
They didn't get chance. The parents just decided on the cheaper date and rearranged/cancelled the flights without discussion.
PearPickingPorky · 03/03/2022 23:02

@Popfan

I think you need to tell your parents how upset you are about it otherwise it will fester. I understand to why you are so hurt, I would be too.
I think so too. Amd also so that they know for next time that you'd rather pay your way and not miss out, rather than be left out altogether.
ikeepseeingit · 03/03/2022 23:04

You should tell them you're hurt that they didn't communicate properly with you OP. It's not nice that they decided and then just announced you weren't going without telling you themselves before it happened.

ThoseFestiveLights · 03/03/2022 23:05

I’d put money on the OP’s commitment being something daft that has annoyed the rest of the family.

ThinWomansBrain · 03/03/2022 23:06

It didn't occur to you to offer to contribute towards costs, or have a conversation with siblings that you all should?

ThanksItHasPockets · 03/03/2022 23:06

Another theory, OP, and I apologise if I’m wide of the mark here, but: you refer to grandchildren but don’t say if they are your own DC and you have written in the first person singular. Is it possible if you are single and / or child-free that your parents expect you to fit around your siblings who have children?

jackstini · 03/03/2022 23:06

I would be absolutely gutted - and I would tell them

Only caveat is if they think your commitment is less important than you do

From their point of view (rightly or wrongly) whatever it is you have committed to, you are prioritizing that above being with them

2018SoFarSoGreat · 03/03/2022 23:07

I'd be so upset, OP, so your feelings are valid.

I think your reluctance to say here what it is that is preventing you from going on the new week that is booked says something. You don't have to tell us, but the fact that you won't makes me think you are a bit embarrassed that it might seem a petty reason. Your parents may well have considered the reasons other gave as to why a particular date would not work, and judged that yours seem the easiest to change. Just guessing here, but that would make sense.

If I'm wrong, I apologize. I don't mean to add to your pain here. It sounds like a wonderful family time, and I'm sorry you will miss it.

WitchWithoutChips · 03/03/2022 23:07

@ThoseFestiveLights

I’d put money on the OP’s commitment being something daft that has annoyed the rest of the family.
Yes, the devil is in the detail here.
LosingTheWill2022 · 03/03/2022 23:07

I completely understand why you feel so hurt OP.
I think some posters are so fixed on the fact that it was being paid for by your parents that its obscured the relationship aspect.
I genuinely think it's an odd and hurtful thing for them to have done

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 03/03/2022 23:08

I'm with you, OP. Telling you how privileged you've been (as you well acknowledge) is a red herring - it's not about the money.

I couldn't quite tell: did the villa accept the booking and then later say they would have to change it, or had they already booked that week by the time your DM tried to book it? If the former, I don't see why they shouldn't at least make a concession on price, if they were the ones who changed it - especially for such a long-standing customer who, you would have thought, they would check with first before confirming a booking for a one-time hirer who could turn out to be nightmare guests.

I wonder if your DM sees it slightly differently, though. Does she see it as a family holiday or as their holiday in their special villa, at which the family always usually join them, owing to the extra capacity?

I also wonder if she's taken offence at your 'not prioritising the holiday' - even though you could have any number of crucially important prior commitments and the date was changed on you as well.

If it's an unchangeable work commitment and your DPs are now retired, they may struggle to understand that work isn't just a hobby and can't always be moved around at short notice to accommodate family engagements - this assumption seems to be more common when it's an adult DD involved.

PlumpAndDeliciousFatcat · 03/03/2022 23:09

I understand why you are upset OP but I agree with PP - I suspect your family have decided that your prior commitment, whatever it is, isn’t sufficiently important to throw out everyone else’s plans.

Sisisimone · 03/03/2022 23:11

@ThoseFestiveLights

Is it possible that your other commitment is something that your parents think you should move to accommodate everyone else?

You are avoiding answering the question of what this is, so my suspicion is that it’s something a bit daft and your inflexibility has actually annoyed everyone.

Exactly this. The fact you will not give e
Sisisimone · 03/03/2022 23:12

Exactly this. The fact you will not give even a hint of why you can't make the holiday makes me think its sn excuse your family don't think is valid.

OldWivesTale · 03/03/2022 23:12

It really does depend on what your other commitment is. This does matter because if it's something that could be cancelled then your family might think that you're the one being thoughtless and putting them last. As PP said, it's a bloody nightmare trying to find dates to suit everyone. So until we know what you're doing that absolutely cannot be changed then nobody can comment.

DotBall · 03/03/2022 23:14

Gosh, you are being very precious about your precious memories holiday. Your parents have clearly weighed up costs, venue and date for something they are paying for and made a decision. You can hopefully go next year!

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 03/03/2022 23:15

I think some posters are so fixed on the fact that it was being paid for by your parents that its obscured the relationship aspect.
I genuinely think it's an odd and hurtful thing for them to have done

Yes, absolutely this. It reminds me of the inheritance threads, where one child is left far less than the other(s), for no apparent reason. If there are two siblings and an inheritance of £3.5m and one (the OP) gets £3m and the other £500K, they'll be torn to threads by people telling them how lucky they are to get half a million drop into their laps and how disgusting to complain; whereas, if it had been a total pot of £10K and they'd been left £5K each, neither would have felt remotely hard done-by, upset or unloved.

marshmallowhearts · 03/03/2022 23:15

I would be hurt and upset too. I have 3 children and although they’re still youngish, I can’t imagine ever choosing to disinvite one because my choice of holiday house was more important than they are. Sorry OP. I think you should talk to them, even just to get it off your chest and not let it fester.

WinterDeWinter · 03/03/2022 23:16

Op, I understand your hurt.
It's worth thinking about how very anxiety-inducing it would be for them to risk so much money on an untried villa though. I think in their head, they may be willing to pay this much because all doubt about value is removed. Whereas the thought of spending, say, £20k on something that could be shot would be very very stressful unless you're super-rich. I think maybe that's where the truth lies - or along those lines. It's not that they don't care id you're there or not, it's that the alternative is too difficult.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 03/03/2022 23:17

OP, can you tell us (or give a hint/equivalent if outing) what the prior commitment is?

Just to stop people fixating on that as a stick to beat you with, if for no other reason - as if the holiday (clearly) means so much to you, I'm sure you would have missed/re-arranged if you could have done?

Chloemol · 03/03/2022 23:20

@DotBall

Gosh, you are being very precious about your precious memories holiday. Your parents have clearly weighed up costs, venue and date for something they are paying for and made a decision. You can hopefully go next year!
No she is upset because she is the only one left behind, she is being tested differently to the rest of her family, who will all have a lively time, come home and probably rub her nose in it

She agreed to put money towards it as it was more expensive now, she gave a number of options
As parents you either treat your kids the same, or in this case you don’t and cause upset and resentment

Chloemol · 03/03/2022 23:21

Treated not tested, lovely not lively

God I hate the fact we can’t efit

Chloemol · 03/03/2022 23:21

Edit!!

CoastalWave · 03/03/2022 23:21

What's this other commitment that absolutely can't be changed?!

I'm struggling to think of ANYTHING that can't be changed. Even funerals and weddings can be moved!

I think YABU on two points - one you're moaning like an ungrateful child and two, you're expecting everyone else to move to accommodate you.I'm presuming if you all had to reply with which of the say, 3 dates, was suitable, then the date she's picked is the one where only one person can't make it (as opposed to the other dates which multiple people can't make)

You sound very childish. I'd be disappointed for sure, but really wouldn't be as annoyed as you are! These things happen. Just go next year. Really! What's the drama for?!

WinterDeWinter · 03/03/2022 23:22

Also, if everyone loves the villa, that's the tradition: we all go to the villa. If it's somewhere else then that's breaking the tradition? I think they think of the place as 'their' holiday home for those two weeks and apply the same thinking as they would if you could make it out to their place in Portugal on the same weeks as your siblings.