Ditched from family holiday

[PetrasPurse]

For the last 12ish years (except for 2020), my parents have taken my siblings and I on an annual trip to a lovely villa in Italy. This started in our late teens and we are now all in our mid - late 20s.

We have the best time together, have made precious memories, and look forward to this every year. I appreciate how privileged I am, and how generous it is of them to treat us all, as we didn't have many holidays together when we were younger and now they are much more well off we are really making up for it. They have even paid for our partners and kids to join as the family has expanded. It feels like a precious family tradition.

My AIBU is this; this week the people at the villa contacted to say they couldn't accommodate our original dates this year, and offered us several alternative dates instead. My mum asked us all for our availability and I replied saying I could do any date except one. The next day she confirmed to the family to say that she had booked for the date I said I couldn't do, as it was the cheapest option (the prices were inflated a lot compared to what they usually pay). She then confirmed she was changing everyone's flights to the new date except mine as I couldn't make it this time. AIBU to feel completely cut out from the family and furious about this. I don't really know how to respond - it feels like I have just been removed from the holiday.

Why couldn't they have kept the dates and just chosen a different villa this time instead? It makes me feel like staying at this villa is more important than all of us being there as a family. I would have 100% paid my share if it was down to money or not being able to go, but wasn't given an option. I am gutted and don't know how to respond to this. I can't stop going over it in my head. Any advice would be appreciated.

[Momicrone]

Yeah it's pretty mean

[Supdog]

You haven't been 'deleted' you can't make the dates they've booked. You've been very lucky to have had the holidays over they years. Things change. Enjoy all the memories made so far & look forward to next year's trip if there is one.

[PetrasPurse]

@hauntedbillybass

Or was someone always going to have to miss out?

Could anyone not make the other dates?

Okay so I can see peoples opinions are divided on this, i guess I need time to accept it and move on.

It's just odd to me that most people would think a location has more importance than the family being together.

[Acheyknees]

Sounds like your parents were faced with a difficult decision and they had to make it quickly? It can't have been easy changing flights for such a large group? Maybe it was the only way of accommodating the majority. I've arranged group holidays in the past and it's not easy.

[Chloemol]

I would have to say something. I would simply text her and say how sad you are they booked the one date you said you couldn’t go, when other options where available, including finding another villa for the original dates , or you paying towards increased costs, and whilst it’s very good of them to pay, the fact she is prepared to leave you at home makes you feel like shit and unwelcome in your own family and defensively bottom of the pile

I think it’s very important to make feelings known, otherwise they just fester and it gets worse.

Especially as, in this case there were other options, including you paying towards it

[BeHappy91818]

They clearly didn’t want to go to another villa and want to stick to the same one.

Why don’t you rearrange whatever you have going on here if you really want to go.

[AngelinaFibres]

People keep asking why you can't change your dates. You keep ignoring the question.

[Chloemol]

And also it means they are not treating family fairly, not to mention having your face rubbed in it when they come back

They would have been better cancelling for everyone

[Harridan1981]

Is your prior commitment changeable? I guess they probably think that this once it is acceptable and just how it is.

[chillie]

I would take this very badly if it was me. A family holiday isn't really 'family' if part of the family (me) isn't there. Same for any of my siblings at least.

[saraclara]

As a parent of adults, in a family where we too had a holiday place that was really special to us for 20 years, there's no way I'd have just re-booked a date that left one person out without having a conversation with everyone first. At the very least I'd have spoken to the person who couldn't make the date, and made it clear (assuming no other option) that I was really sad about it.

To just rebook and and THEN tell you seems unnecessarily offhand and hurtful.

[PetrasPurse]

@AngelinaFibres

People keep asking why you can't change your dates. You keep ignoring the question.

I'm not ignoring the question, there have just been a lot of them.

I can't change my date as I have a fixed commitment, it's not like I'm on a shopping trip or something unimportant else of course I'd have rearranged.

Why is that the question, rather than going on the original dates that everyone can make and finding alternative accommodation?

[LIZS]

Is it really not possible you could go for any of the time? Maybe the other dates were less convenient to others as well as more expensive.

[Babadook76]

Hang on… are you actually financially contributing to these holidays now or not?

[duckme]

There is no way my mom would leave one of us out if we had a regular standing holiday. We would absolutely look at alternative accommodation instead of leaving someone out so I don't think you're being unreasonable.
I would think about raising it with your parents and just letting them know your feelings have been hurt.

[Skiptheheartsandflowers]

That's really hard to deal with. I would find it hard. Perhaps they are conscious this villa won't work for you all for much longer so they wanted to stick with it this time? I know that doesn't help but it may have blinded your mum to the impact of leaving you out.

Has there been anything in the past that's made you feel less important than the rest of the family? Or is this out of the blue?

[Stressedout1009]

@Chloemol

And also it means they are not treating family fairly, not to mention having your face rubbed in it when they come back

They would have been better cancelling for everyone

Really? So everyone else misses out because one can't go? This was going to change at some point. It's very obvious everyone else voted to still go ahead.

[parietal]

I can see why your upset. I know my parents (who have organised many similar holidays) would NEVER book an extended family holiday that leaves one person out. Definitely thoughtless on the part of your parents, and I think you should express your disappointment (gently) to the rest of your family.

[BeHappy91818]

Because your parents are paying and they don’t want a different villa clearly. It’s up to them since they are the one paying.

[notthatonethisone]

Honestly I'd equate this to the villa being more important than me

Surely the whole point of these holidays is to bond as a family? It must be rare to get everyone together. How lovely to have this.

But then how crushing to be dropped so easily. No alternatives looked at.

Op I totally get it. I would feel very hurt. I would have to say something.

[PetrasPurse]

@saraclara thanks, I appreciate your comment. They did not consult with me on this at all and they cancelled my flight. They also did not ask me to change the dates as they understand I cannot get out of this.

[wellhellohi]

Are you already going on a trip on the new date? And that's why your parents thought you wouldn't mind?

[BitterTits]

Depends on the reason. Do you work in a school and therefore school holiday dates are prohibitive? In that case YANBU to think they'd want to book an alternative so you could be included. If it's because you have a party invitation or something, less so.

[mummabubs]

I can genuinely see both sides, but I think the part that would feel weird to me is that there was no communication between "which dates can you all do" and "we've rearranged to this date". If it were my family (although I'd like to think they wouldn't ever go without one of us) they would definitely have reached out to the one person affected first and explained that they were thinking of rebooking for the date I couldn't do because of xyz, what were my thoughts. I wonder if that's part of the pain for you OP, that there was no communication and you were subsequently blindsided by the decision?

[thinkingaboutLangCleg]

I would feel hurt too, OP. Is there any way you could change your other commitments and go with them?