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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ditched from family holiday

483 replies

PetrasPurse · 03/03/2022 21:26

For the last 12ish years (except for 2020), my parents have taken my siblings and I on an annual trip to a lovely villa in Italy. This started in our late teens and we are now all in our mid - late 20s.

We have the best time together, have made precious memories, and look forward to this every year. I appreciate how privileged I am, and how generous it is of them to treat us all, as we didn't have many holidays together when we were younger and now they are much more well off we are really making up for it. They have even paid for our partners and kids to join as the family has expanded. It feels like a precious family tradition.

My AIBU is this; this week the people at the villa contacted to say they couldn't accommodate our original dates this year, and offered us several alternative dates instead. My mum asked us all for our availability and I replied saying I could do any date except one. The next day she confirmed to the family to say that she had booked for the date I said I couldn't do, as it was the cheapest option (the prices were inflated a lot compared to what they usually pay). She then confirmed she was changing everyone's flights to the new date except mine as I couldn't make it this time. AIBU to feel completely cut out from the family and furious about this. I don't really know how to respond - it feels like I have just been removed from the holiday.

Why couldn't they have kept the dates and just chosen a different villa this time instead? It makes me feel like staying at this villa is more important than all of us being there as a family. I would have 100% paid my share if it was down to money or not being able to go, but wasn't given an option. I am gutted and don't know how to respond to this. I can't stop going over it in my head. Any advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:
forrestgreen · 04/03/2022 11:34

'Dp, I need to let you know I'm really upset about our family holiday this year. It feels like keeping the usual villa is more important than having me there too. I wondered if we could all contribute to keep the cost down or look at a cheaper villa where we could all be together'

worriedatthemoment · 04/03/2022 11:35

@notacooldad but OP could make alternative dates just not one of them
So if your kids could make s-y 6 out of 7 dates you would pick the 7th and say oh well tough without even explaining why

BlondeWidow · 04/03/2022 11:35

@lockdownalli

YABU. If the holiday was that important to you you would change the other plans.

You say the other plans are more important - so that is your choice.

Has it not occurred to you that it could be a court date, a pre-booked course, an operation, or something else non-changeable????

Give your head a shake

worriedatthemoment · 04/03/2022 11:36

@wordler thats what I was thinking but you would expect that to be explained at least by op parents
I think thats what OP is more upset about , the lack of discussion

worriedatthemoment · 04/03/2022 11:37

The other reason OP might not be able to attend a set date is work
If i have colleagues off I can't also have the time off no matter how much i may want it
Op may be stuck with the time off they have already booked now

notacooldad · 04/03/2022 11:43

notacooldad but OP could make alternative dates just not one of them but it sounds like the majority could make that date.
So if your kids could make s-y 6 out of 7 dates you would pick the 7th and say oh well tough without even explaining why it was explained to her. Mum told herc that date was tbe cheapest. What more info is needed. Op cant go on that date, sadly this year that's the cheapest date. I'm assuming the OP isnt stupid and realises that
the holiday is expensive in the first place. Holiday prices have increased dramatically si a new date is even more expensive. The parents are paying the difference in price from original to altered date . It's going to cost a huge amount if money I guess. Does she really need it spelling out that the cheapest option is the most sensible.

lockdownalli · 04/03/2022 11:47

Has it not occurred to you that it could be a court date, a pre-booked course, an operation, or something else non-changeable????

Of course! So that's OPs choice. No head shaking required Confused

Seems like a load of drama over very little to me.

LosingTheWill2022 · 04/03/2022 11:53

Does she really need it spelling out that the cheapest option is the most sensible

What a strange attitude to family you have notacooldad

If the prime consideration is money then they could have openly raised this and the family could have discussed options including others making a contribution.

The other option would have been for the dps to go without any others at the original time if the villa is so important.

What they chose to do was choose an option that excluded OP and family with a second thought. Snd no discussion. That's hurtful.

notacooldad · 04/03/2022 12:00

Does she really need it spelling out that the cheapest option is the most sensible

What a strange attitude to family you have notacooldad

If the prime consideration is money then they could have openly raised this and the family could have discussed options including others making a contribution
No one said it was the prime reason but it was highly probable one of them.
Even if everyone contributed many may not have been able to make the date. It sounds like fitting in with the majority.
Sometimes you win with that sometimes you dont.

My attitude to family seems to be working ok because when I rent cottages and suggest holidays sometimes everyone can make it, sometimes not everyone can but they are not whinging about precious memories and being furious.

Loopytiles · 04/03/2022 12:07

12 late teen/ adult years of Italian villa holidays is a lot.

Fair enough IMO if the hosts who’re paying want to stick with the preferred villa at the lower cost time over ensuring everyone can be there.

MummBRaaarrrTheEverLeaking · 04/03/2022 12:10

When you say a "date" OP, is this the whole period of the holiday you can't make or just one day/couple of days? If it's the latter could you not just fly out later and join everyone for a few days at least? This isn't pushing for info on what you're doing btw, if you can't make it you can't make it.

Abaababa · 04/03/2022 12:11

Oh goodness, I totally empathise with you OP. I would be devastated for all the reasons you mention. Indeed why is a villa more important than being together?

You clearly feel upset by this. Why not honor those feelings, they are valid, and considering having a non-emotive conversation with your parents explaining how you feel. They sound like they have no idea how callous their actions were. It may not help for this year’s holiday but help your relationship with them overall and especially going forward. Good luck!

LosingTheWill2022 · 04/03/2022 12:20

My attitude to family seems to be working ok because when I rent cottages and suggest holidays sometimes everyone can make it, sometimes not everyone can

But that's not the same situation at all. The OP's whole family has gone every year. Of course there maybe a necessity to change the arrangements but there is a 12 year precedent of the whole family agreeing a date and all going together. Changing that 12 year pattern without consideration and discussion to leave out one of the dc is hurtful. The fact that your family has a different way of doing things @notacooldad doesn't change that.

SpiderVersed · 04/03/2022 12:21

@forrestgreen

'Dp, I need to let you know I'm really upset about our family holiday this year. It feels like keeping the usual villa is more important than having me there too. I wondered if we could all contribute to keep the cost down or look at a cheaper villa where we could all be together'
And in reply "DD, what are you on about? We love the villa and go every year, we know the area, the restaurants, the people and it's a highlight of our year. I'm sorry you're busy on the date we could afford but no, we are not ripping up plans for the entire extended family because you can't join us this time."

Booking a holiday this year has been insanely expensive. Swapping dates of flights of a big group can cost literally thousands between one week and the next. In our family of 5 it was £1100 more to fly on one Saturday rather than the next.

C8H10N4O2 · 04/03/2022 12:40

@Abaababa

Oh goodness, I totally empathise with you OP. I would be devastated for all the reasons you mention. Indeed why is a villa more important than being together?

You clearly feel upset by this. Why not honor those feelings, they are valid, and considering having a non-emotive conversation with your parents explaining how you feel. They sound like they have no idea how callous their actions were. It may not help for this year’s holiday but help your relationship with them overall and especially going forward. Good luck!

And the Oscar goes to...
notacooldad · 04/03/2022 12:40

From LosingTheWill2022 But that's not the same situation at all
I never said it was.
My reply was in response to being told what a strange attitude I have towards family.

LosingTheWill2022 · 04/03/2022 13:08

@notacooldad I'm referring back to your assertion that the cheapest option is the most sensible.

Given the fact that in this instance the cheapest option (for the one specific villa) means excluding a section of the family from a plan that had already made, and without discussion, I stick to my point of view that its an odd attitude to family.

Choosing a cheaper villa on the dates originally agreed would be one alternative option that focused on family as well as finances. There are of course other possibilities but the dp's value the villa above the OP's company and that's hurtful.

CorvusPurpureus · 04/03/2022 13:11

I agree you've all had a good innings, tbh!

It was obvious that 'absolutely the whole family at absolutely this villa absolutely every year' wasn't sustainable forever.

At some point someone's dp won't want to spend every 'main' holiday with the ILs, or someone's divorce means they don't have their dc that week, or teenage dgc don't want dragging away from mates/love interests/xbox, or someone emigrates to the other side of the planet, or the family simply gets too big so not every branch can fit in every time...etc etc.

If I were your mum, I'd have thought about that & the precedent set if they moved the dates/location for you - suddenly they've established that they'll be doing that every time anyone has a clash, or then there'll be hurt feelings because 'well we all changed the plans for Petras in '22!'

Probably a lot more pragmatic to set the precedent of 'this is the booking date, sorry if anyone can't make it' than to potentially have protracted multi family negotiations, & finding suitable dates & an available, suitable property every year.

Where your parents have screwed up is in not ringing you & talking you through it before just telling you as a fait accompli. That bit I can quite see why you're hurt.

DameHelena · 04/03/2022 13:11

@notacooldad

That's just bitchy I'm i wrong though?
Well, a) probably, b) irrelevant as that's not the holiday on this thread and c) I'll say again, really unpleasant and bitchy.
DameHelena · 04/03/2022 13:15

I'm sorry you're busy on the date we could afford but no, we are not ripping up plans for the entire extended family because you can't join us this time."

Did you miss where that poster says 'I wondered if we could all contribute to keep the cost down or look at a cheaper villa where we could all be together''?
Or are you being deliberately obtuse?
Or are you thick?

stuntbubbles · 04/03/2022 13:26

I'm sorry you're busy on the date we could afford but no, we are not ripping up plans for the entire extended family because you can't join us this time.
She wasn’t busy on the original dates, though. She was booked on the holiday just as everyone else was. Now it’s been rearranged to a different date, she’s been removed from the holiday. That’s very different to not being able to make it in the first place – she’s had it taken away.

whyayepetal · 04/03/2022 13:32

Oh dear OP - I can completely understand why this would make you so sad. It sounds like the lack of communication may have been caused by pressure to get things sorted quickly - maybe some time pressure involved- as a PP mentioned.

Sounds like your parents have been generous and inclusive of you all for so many years, so this will be even more shocking to you as it is such a change. If you can find a way to gently let them know how sad this has made you and why, then that might be a good move. I expect that they might be quite surprised and upset that you are unhappy, possibly because they hadn’t realised just how important this event has become for everyone. The fact that it has is testament to their (usual) thoughtfulness and kindness.

notacooldad · 04/03/2022 13:32
  • @notacooldad I'm referring back to your assertion that the cheapest option is the most sensible*

Given the fact that in this instance the cheapest option (for the one specific villa) means excluding a section of the family from a plan that had already made, and without discussion, I stick to my point of view that its an odd attitude to family

Choosing a cheaper villa on the dates originally agreed would be one alternative option that focused on family as well as finances. There are of course other possibilities but the dp's value the villa above the OP's company and that's hurtful

I also said that the cheapest option was part of the consideration. I have said that between the majority of people being available, AND the cheapest option it would be sensible to have that date.

I am honestly struggling to see how the OP’s ‘ value’ is based on a holiday. Mum gave options of alternative dates out and it certainly sounds ike the majority could make this particular one but sadly op couldn’t. She hasn’t been ditched, kicked off a holiday or excluded. She can’t go on the date that combines the best price and the majority. You can’t always get what you want.
I honestly don’t see why parents should change the villa. It’s something that is amazing according to the OP. She can go next year, all being well. It’s their holiday and if the children ( as adult as they are ) come along for it’s an nice extra for them ( for the OP and the siblings, partners kids that is ) but it’s certainly not a right.
As a parent of adult children I spent 21years ( up to the time the youngest did his own thing) compromising on holidays, dates, accommodation to please everyone else. I feel now that it’s my time and if anyone wants to come they fit in with me. They are adult enough to do that. If they can’t come , I’m not giving it up.my dream place ( which is in Chamonix)

As I’ve said she is being sour on the one year she can’t go. She has done amazing to be free for 12 years. Unfortunately the last couple of years have thrown a curve ball on everyone’s lives and it’s not getting any easier any time soon.
Instead of being bitter and angry it makes mores sense to the thankful for what you have and have had.

notacooldad · 04/03/2022 13:38

Well, a) probably, b) irrelevant as that's not the holiday on this thread and c) I'll say again, really unpleasant and bitchy
You didn’t say really unpleasant, you just said just bitchy,

I do think it is that irrelevant tbh. Do you honestly think if it was a family gathering without the free flights and the amazing villa it would be such an attractive proposition.

Seriously if it was a week in Blackpool she wouldn’t be so outraged!

LINABE · 04/03/2022 13:39

PetrasPurse Quite simply what has happened here is that your Parents haven't communicated with you properly about this situation and they absolutely should have done. It could have been sorted out between you and although the outcome probably won't change the relationship with your parents will remain the same hopefully. As it stands these things can fester and get harder to resolve as time moves on.
I urge you to call them and let them know how and why you're upset. (It has little to do with the change of dates but everything to do with them not involving you at all in their decision) Best wishes.