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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ditched from family holiday

483 replies

PetrasPurse · 03/03/2022 21:26

For the last 12ish years (except for 2020), my parents have taken my siblings and I on an annual trip to a lovely villa in Italy. This started in our late teens and we are now all in our mid - late 20s.

We have the best time together, have made precious memories, and look forward to this every year. I appreciate how privileged I am, and how generous it is of them to treat us all, as we didn't have many holidays together when we were younger and now they are much more well off we are really making up for it. They have even paid for our partners and kids to join as the family has expanded. It feels like a precious family tradition.

My AIBU is this; this week the people at the villa contacted to say they couldn't accommodate our original dates this year, and offered us several alternative dates instead. My mum asked us all for our availability and I replied saying I could do any date except one. The next day she confirmed to the family to say that she had booked for the date I said I couldn't do, as it was the cheapest option (the prices were inflated a lot compared to what they usually pay). She then confirmed she was changing everyone's flights to the new date except mine as I couldn't make it this time. AIBU to feel completely cut out from the family and furious about this. I don't really know how to respond - it feels like I have just been removed from the holiday.

Why couldn't they have kept the dates and just chosen a different villa this time instead? It makes me feel like staying at this villa is more important than all of us being there as a family. I would have 100% paid my share if it was down to money or not being able to go, but wasn't given an option. I am gutted and don't know how to respond to this. I can't stop going over it in my head. Any advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:
CoastalWave · 05/03/2022 12:20

'The fixation on what I"m doing on that date is weird'

Well, no really. You're the one throwing a massive hissy fit. I'm still struggling to understand what can't be rearranged/cancelled so that you can go on the holiday?!

CoastalWave · 05/03/2022 12:27

@JeremyVinesEgo

You have a free holiday. If you can't go when the payers can then you really don't have a right to be upset about it. Change your plans or don't go.
A voice of reason. Finally!

My god there are some entitled drama queens on this thread!

ScribblingPixie · 05/03/2022 12:28

I just do not understand why you think your mum should have changed her holiday plans because you couldn't do the date that suited the majority.

I see it as her parents' holiday too - to which they invite family to join them and generously pay for them. The OP sees it as a family holiday and that she should always be included even if it means her parents can't go to their chosen villa. But as others have said, communication's the problem here.

Holidaycomedown · 05/03/2022 12:47

You might pay for yourself, but if they are paying for a crowd even a relatively small price increase could be thousands.

I do think it's likely your 'commitment' didn't feel that it warranted spending ££££ more to accommodate

Bollindger · 05/03/2022 13:24

You do know your making a drama, and everyone on here is egging you on.
Your mum asked, you told her you can't accept her invitation as you have other commitments your not willing to break. Now you want to rage at your parent , encouraged by half the people on this thread. YOUR GOING TO WREAK A RELATIONSHIP just so you can feel better because strangers are encouraging you.
Would you be willing to pay several thousands of pounds so everyone else can go somewhere You want, and what about those that can't make your dates, will they be left out , or will you all wait 12 months till maybe your holidays line up.
People today feel so entitled to think their happiness trumps others want, being gracious in defeat or disappointment is a life lesson .

SpaghettiNotCourgetti · 05/03/2022 13:46

I am interested in OP's unmissable engagement that is too outing for her to share - while simultaneously sharing the fact that her parents pay for her entire immediate family to go to a villa in Italy every year is apparently so commonplace that it's not outing at all!

Hadtocomment · 05/03/2022 14:07

Not sure if unreasonable or not but you do sound very absorbed in your own feelings rather than open to finding out how your parents are feeling about it. It's a massive thing organising large group holidays. I'm not sure why you think they must not go to the villa without you. I can totally understand their not wanting to try and find another short notice with hiked prices and not knowing if it'll be nice. Surely your relationship with them doesn't depend on being given a holiday yearly? You don't really have any evidence that they treat you differently either as you couldn't make the date. Fair enough. You didn't say it was flexible so they went ahead. With that many people they can't chop and change for each individual person. If they start that they'll never do anything. They might have had a deposit down already and they know the villa and if they are paying a lot of money it's important to them to be confident the place will be nice. I think it is unreasonable in the face of so many facing a cost of living crisis to be seeming to say that one year of rearrangement or bad communication in the context of twelve years of being treated to luxury holidays should have dented your relationship. You might be annoyed with them but the idea of this changing your relationship seems very sad and unnecessary. I know that sounds harsh but you will probably be back to being treated again next year so why create an emotional slight out of a situation where you don't know all the information and you haven't asked them and where they sound pretty generous to all of you?

TatianaBis · 05/03/2022 15:53

If there is one thing I can say with certainty it is that there are loads of villas in Tuscany/Umbria/Emilia Romagna/Lazio that are lovely and unlikely to disappoint anyone. Price hikes are not universal either.

There is no question that at this point in the year they could have found an alternative.

Weareallvirgins · 05/03/2022 17:37

Think itsabout time you grew up
Your poor parents. Grown ass adults should be taking parents away

hawkinspawkins · 05/03/2022 17:47

It's just one year. You can go next year

Organising dates and accommodation for all those people is probably a massive headache

But speak to your Mother about it

NeonKayak · 05/03/2022 18:29

Just change your work commitments to facilitate the date.

Or rent a nearby local holiday let to still enjoy family time en masse at the villa.

Pointless making a big emotional drama out of it.

Knittingchamp · 05/03/2022 18:40

OP I know you must cherish this family experience and it's your disappointment talking but ...please pay your folks back this time with a little kindness and understanding. They pay a fortune for these holidays and it's wonderful and kind of them to do so. They can't always accommodate everyone. You are so phenomenally lucky to have parents and a family like them, you literally have no idea whatsoever how unbelievably lucky you are if this is something that would make you mad.

bellocchild · 05/03/2022 18:44

At least tell them how disappointed you are.

pepsipeckle · 05/03/2022 19:00

The world is a big place, surely there are other places you would like to take your kids ? If you had planned something else you might have forgone the family holiday to do it, can't you force your brain to think of it that way? Be a bit more adventurous?
I2 years ago it was perhaps a bit more difficult to book a villa, you say why can't they swap ? Perhaps they haven't planned any other trips anywhere else in-between , are a bit set in their ways, don't want the hassle.
Perhaps they find you or your partner or one of your kids quite irritating on holiday?
Perhaps you are the side of the family that can most afford your own holiday and they are trying to gradually reduce the party size. Perhaps in reality after 12 years they don't really enjoy organising it so much anyway.
Personally if I had been that bothered , when they told me I would have found alternatives for the whole family and presented that as an option...you chose not to do that.
Have a lovely holiday somewhere different with your little family and pray they get rained on for a week.

InFiveMins · 05/03/2022 19:00

I'm on your side with this one OP, and I'd be really upset and pissed off. I'd tell your mum how you feel.

rookiemere · 05/03/2022 19:04

@pepsipeckle if you read the opening post you'll see that OP didn't have the chance to come up with other options, DM went ahead and booked the dates that suited everyone else and didn't discuss in advance with OP.

That's the bit that OP is upset about, not the lack of free holiday.

There is probably a very simple explanation. DM was stressed with the whole thing, wanted to go where she always goes, was worried the villa may go to someone else etc. etc., but a message or call before doing the booking would have made all the difference to OPs feelings.

Alcemeg · 05/03/2022 19:09

At least tell them how disappointed you are.

Yes, do this! Even if it's your last words on this Earth. So hopefully in future they will just pay up and shut up. The complete fuckers. How dare they take a practical approach to the increasing complications of multi-family/expanding family holidays!

Lockupyourbiscuits · 05/03/2022 19:12

From the age of 18 our eldest never came on a holiday with us as she was on a course that only had holiday in September

Her sibling carried on coming and bringing her friend for a full 5 years - now they both enjoy their grown up lives

The eldest never once complained or asked us to change the dates because she understood we wanted her there but life got in the way

I think you must have some lovely happy memories OP and wonderful supportive parents- I’m sure they didn’t mean to upset you but organising is stressful and maybe they mistakenly thought ( like our eldest ) you understood you couldn’t make it this time and would wish them well with the holiday

Mfsf · 05/03/2022 19:21

It must be hard to be left out but if it’s only a few people that can’t make it ( you ) and everyone else can then you must understand . Who is to say everyone could make the other date , and how much more was it ? Try and change what you have on and go too ? After all flexibility works both ways

Gagaandgag · 05/03/2022 19:22

I would be really upset if this was me!

Gagaandgag · 05/03/2022 19:27

Yes exactly!

Happyher · 05/03/2022 19:28

I think you’re right - you need to talk this through with your DPs to prevent this causing a real rift but try and look at it from their point of view. They might love this villa so much they don’t want to go elsewhere. They’ve managed to get the villa they love at a different time but at a good price

Maybe on the other weeks even less of the family could make it so they’ve gone for the dates that suit the majority.

It’s their holiday and everyone needs to fit in with them if you want to go. Possibly they’re annoyed with you for some reason?? And that’s why they just cancelled your flights without asking

Gagaandgag · 05/03/2022 19:35

Sending you a big hug. I totally hear you on this. Everything you said makes sense. Good luck

indiesearcher · 05/03/2022 19:43

Oh @PetrasPurse how rubbish - I had my own very similar thread two weeks ago.

I don't think YABU to be furious - I still am! We've had apologies and I think you should explain how you feel if you haven't already. It's a real shame the villa has trumped you!

LaChanticleer · 05/03/2022 19:52

but try and look at it from their point of view

And I would hope that @PetrasPurse's parents would also understand her point of view.

It's a regular family gathering to which they are all invited every year, for over a decade.

The OP's mother sent through a number of different sets of dates: offered us several alternative dates instead. My mum asked us all for our availability

The OP was unavailable for one set of dates. She let her mother know.

Her mother chose exactly that set of dates which the OP couldn't do - because these were the cheapest dates.
The next day she confirmed to the family to say that she had booked for the date I said I couldn't do, as it was the cheapest option

How does that not feel like a total exclusion from the family? How does that not feel like the OP is less valued than other members of her family, and money (the term "filthy lucre" is apt here).

I would wonder about my place in the family faced with this sequence of events. I would feel as if I were not really part of this family.

Big hugs, @PetrasPurse

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