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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ditched from family holiday

483 replies

PetrasPurse · 03/03/2022 21:26

For the last 12ish years (except for 2020), my parents have taken my siblings and I on an annual trip to a lovely villa in Italy. This started in our late teens and we are now all in our mid - late 20s.

We have the best time together, have made precious memories, and look forward to this every year. I appreciate how privileged I am, and how generous it is of them to treat us all, as we didn't have many holidays together when we were younger and now they are much more well off we are really making up for it. They have even paid for our partners and kids to join as the family has expanded. It feels like a precious family tradition.

My AIBU is this; this week the people at the villa contacted to say they couldn't accommodate our original dates this year, and offered us several alternative dates instead. My mum asked us all for our availability and I replied saying I could do any date except one. The next day she confirmed to the family to say that she had booked for the date I said I couldn't do, as it was the cheapest option (the prices were inflated a lot compared to what they usually pay). She then confirmed she was changing everyone's flights to the new date except mine as I couldn't make it this time. AIBU to feel completely cut out from the family and furious about this. I don't really know how to respond - it feels like I have just been removed from the holiday.

Why couldn't they have kept the dates and just chosen a different villa this time instead? It makes me feel like staying at this villa is more important than all of us being there as a family. I would have 100% paid my share if it was down to money or not being able to go, but wasn't given an option. I am gutted and don't know how to respond to this. I can't stop going over it in my head. Any advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:
mamabear715 · 05/03/2022 20:23

I can only speak for myself & I would be VERY hurt. :-(

Pinkfluff76 · 05/03/2022 20:59

So sorry OP i would be absolutely devastated. Hope you find peace. As an aside I think it’s really shocking the villa can’t accommodate you on your usual dates after 12 years of loyalty. So bad.

Gagaandgag · 05/03/2022 21:30

Totally agree 😔

Greengagesnfennel · 05/03/2022 22:16

Sorry op. Sounds like you are behaving like a spoilt child. It must be major hassle (and expense) for your parents to organise a large group holiday for an ever growing family. If it's so important to you why can't you change your "fixed commitment" to go? Or if you have to go to that (for work/wedding whatever) spend a bit of your own money on flights there and back and stay for the rest of the holiday. You are looking at this from a 100% think about me me me perspective it feels like.

YupNameChangeAgain · 05/03/2022 22:34

I am a mother and I cannot understand your parents decision

Families are all for one and one for all
A mum can only be as happy as her saddest child … that’s how i feel and I can’t imagine being the cause of such sadness … deliberate over a trivial matter

They are your parents
Talk to them . Maybe they don’t know how much you appreciate the time together

Ownedbyafrenchie · 05/03/2022 23:14

@Supdog

You haven't been 'deleted' you can't make the dates they've booked. You've been very lucky to have had the holidays over they years. Things change. Enjoy all the memories made so far & look forward to next year's trip if there is one.
This! The voice of reason amidst an ocean of entitlement..🤔
whimsicalwillow · 05/03/2022 23:52

Hi op have you spoken to your mum and resolved anything?

Onmylastnerve · 06/03/2022 00:22

I would feel very hurt too and would find it impossible to let it go. Surely the main purpose of the holiday was for everyone to be together? So yes I can see why you would feel you are further down the food chain than everyone else. Speak up.

Blueink · 06/03/2022 02:18

Ok I get ur upset that you won’t get to go on holiday this one year with your family. Seriously? There are bigger problems. That time worked best for everyone else so YABU. I don’t think the intention was deliberately to exclude or upset you. Book something at a more convenient time with friends,

Hiphopboppertybop99 · 06/03/2022 09:30

Wow!! @PetrasPurse - I know I'm a bit late to this thread, but I can't believe some of the comments about you being spoilt, entitled, stop sulking etc !!!
I haven't RTFT - but have read your updates... was there any dates that everyone could go? If not then it's obvious that one family was potentially going to miss out on the holiday if your parents did not want to change the villa.
Whilst you were happy to contribute to the extra expense, are your siblings in a position to do so?
It would seem that the fairest option would be to change the villa for 1 year, so that everyone could still go but your parents seem reluctant to do this.
I understand how you must feel, I think I would feel the same in your position and I think you're probably more upset at the way in which your parents handled the situation rather than not actually going on the holiday. You were told you couldn't come as a done deal rather than a discussion with your family about the dates / cost - which it sounds like you would have expected from your parents.
Have you spoken to them yet?

Mumof2wrecked · 06/03/2022 10:07

YANBU in anyway. What was done was very hurtful even if it was done I suspect unconsciously. Speak clearly to your parents, make it clear how hurt you are and explain why. You may not get an apology or any sort of acknowledgment but don’t just sit back and be treated like that. Also staying silent will allow a resentment to take hold or worse still your frustration and hurt will cause you to be cold or passive aggressive with them. That would be a real shame as you sound like a lovely close knit family.

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 06/03/2022 11:17

@Momicrone

Yeah it's pretty mean
12 years of unlimited generosity and now one year - one year out of 12 - when there is a screen up by the villa and the OP can’t make tbe not so exorbitant date everyone else can and it’s “pretty mean”?!
billy1966 · 06/03/2022 11:26

@Mumof2wrecked

YANBU in anyway. What was done was very hurtful even if it was done I suspect unconsciously. Speak clearly to your parents, make it clear how hurt you are and explain why. You may not get an apology or any sort of acknowledgment but don’t just sit back and be treated like that. Also staying silent will allow a resentment to take hold or worse still your frustration and hurt will cause you to be cold or passive aggressive with them. That would be a real shame as you sound like a lovely close knit family.
This.

Of course the manner in which this was done was dismissive and hurtful.

The moving swiftly on is offensive.

You have every right to be treated like this.

This is about more than the holiday itself.

You have to spell that out to your parents before real relationship damage is done.

Flowers
notacooldad · 06/03/2022 11:58

It would seem that the fairest option would be to change the villa for 1 year, so that everyone could still go but your parents seem reluctant to do this
Again, why should they change?They are paying for people to go on a free holiday. It's their call if they want to stay at the same place, and why not, they love it there. For everyone else it's a bonus if they can make it.

Juniper68 · 06/03/2022 12:19

There are some strange people posting that think this is ok. I despair at the human race sometimes.

Erinyes · 06/03/2022 12:57

@Juniper68

There are some strange people posting that think this is ok. I despair at the human race sometimes.
I think most of the people who aren’t bleeding on the OP’s behalf are pointing out that she’s had twelve years of lovely free holidays in Italy to set alongside the disappointment of this year, and that might be a more balanced perspective from which to view it,even if she thinks her parents have been offhand.
LosingTheWill2022 · 06/03/2022 13:31

I think most of the people who aren’t bleeding on the OP’s behalf are pointing out that she’s had twelve years of lovely free holidays in Italy to set alongside the disappointment of this year, and that might be a more balanced perspective from which to view it,even if she thinks her parents have been offhand

Your post would make sense 'Erinyes if the OP was "After 12 years of funding holidays for the whole family my DPs have decided to go by themselves this year. AIBU to think they are being selfish?"

But that is NOT what has happened. No one is "bleeding" for the OP but lots of us are saying we understand why this hurts and its not about the OP feeling entitled to a free holiday.

It is baffling to me that some posters can't see the complex emotions involved in the situation and have such sledgehammer approach to family relationships and the feelings of others.

Lovelteers · 06/03/2022 13:40

Sorry, but you sound like an entitled brat to me. If you wanted an alternative then should have offered to do the leg work. If the holiday is so precious - change the other commitment, or be a grown up and accept you can't go.
I totally understand why your parents don't want to change from the villa that the whole family has been to for so long and works for everyone.
It's so complicated to organise a grp holiday and find somewhere within budget for a big grp.
I would have done the same in your parents' position.

GreenFingeredNell15 · 06/03/2022 13:42

Your parents appear to be lovely people. Not nasty in any way.

So my thought is that your parents simply do not realise how much these family holidays mean to you

And if you don't tell them how much the holidays mean to you they will continue not to know

I dont know why but you come across as quite petulant but I might be reading you wrongly

Communication is key here imo

Erinyes · 06/03/2022 13:45

@LosingTheWill2022

I think most of the people who aren’t bleeding on the OP’s behalf are pointing out that she’s had twelve years of lovely free holidays in Italy to set alongside the disappointment of this year, and that might be a more balanced perspective from which to view it,even if she thinks her parents have been offhand

Your post would make sense 'Erinyes if the OP was "After 12 years of funding holidays for the whole family my DPs have decided to go by themselves this year. AIBU to think they are being selfish?"

But that is NOT what has happened. No one is "bleeding" for the OP but lots of us are saying we understand why this hurts and its not about the OP feeling entitled to a free holiday.

It is baffling to me that some posters can't see the complex emotions involved in the situation and have such sledgehammer approach to family relationships and the feelings of others.

Just less self-pitying and drama-inclined? Or who would phone their parents to clarify the situation rather than go all ‘woe is me, I am unloved’ online and drum up a forum witch-hunt on parents who’ve possibly just cracked under the pressure of juggling schedules for large mu,it-family holidays?
LosingTheWill2022 · 06/03/2022 13:52

drum up a witch-hunt 🤣

And you accuse the OP of creating drama 🙄

She used MN like everyone else does, as a sounding board.

Lovelteers · 06/03/2022 13:55

OP - you have a solution, make the effort to change your other plans and come on this holiday.

Erinyes · 06/03/2022 14:04

@LosingTheWill2022

drum up a witch-hunt 🤣

And you accuse the OP of creating drama 🙄

She used MN like everyone else does, as a sounding board.

And lucky old her, she got lots of people amplifying her hurt and telling her she can’t lie down under this unspeakably hurtful deletion from the precious family tradition, and that her parents have permanently wrecked the relationship.
LosingTheWill2022 · 06/03/2022 14:13

telling her she can’t lie down under this unspeakably hurtful deletion from the precious family tradition, and that her parents have permanently wrecked the relationship

And more dramatic exaggeration. Hmm

Erinyes · 06/03/2022 14:20

@LosingTheWill2022

telling her she can’t lie down under this unspeakably hurtful deletion from the precious family tradition, and that her parents have permanently wrecked the relationship

And more dramatic exaggeration. Hmm

Based on the more dramatic comments here. I don’t think this. I think the OP may feel mildly disappointed about this year, but has lots of nice memories, and no reason to think the family holiday won’t take place as usual in 2023 with her inclusion, but that if it’s that upsetting to her, she should just speak to her parents.
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