Ditched from family holiday

[PetrasPurse]

For the last 12ish years (except for 2020), my parents have taken my siblings and I on an annual trip to a lovely villa in Italy. This started in our late teens and we are now all in our mid - late 20s.

We have the best time together, have made precious memories, and look forward to this every year. I appreciate how privileged I am, and how generous it is of them to treat us all, as we didn't have many holidays together when we were younger and now they are much more well off we are really making up for it. They have even paid for our partners and kids to join as the family has expanded. It feels like a precious family tradition.

My AIBU is this; this week the people at the villa contacted to say they couldn't accommodate our original dates this year, and offered us several alternative dates instead. My mum asked us all for our availability and I replied saying I could do any date except one. The next day she confirmed to the family to say that she had booked for the date I said I couldn't do, as it was the cheapest option (the prices were inflated a lot compared to what they usually pay). She then confirmed she was changing everyone's flights to the new date except mine as I couldn't make it this time. AIBU to feel completely cut out from the family and furious about this. I don't really know how to respond - it feels like I have just been removed from the holiday.

Why couldn't they have kept the dates and just chosen a different villa this time instead? It makes me feel like staying at this villa is more important than all of us being there as a family. I would have 100% paid my share if it was down to money or not being able to go, but wasn't given an option. I am gutted and don't know how to respond to this. I can't stop going over it in my head. Any advice would be appreciated.

It's clear you are struggling to see a perspective other than your own experience @notacooldad. Your perspective is a detached and logical one that doesn't take into account the history of the annual holiday nor the way in which the change was handled.

You seem to expect the OP to readjust quite literally overnight to a completely different set of expectations. As this thread shows lots of people would struggle with that too.

It's not that a different way of doing things (like your family does things) is wrong - it's simply that there has been 12 years of something different. And the only part of the family affected by the change is the OP. Its been done to her. No discussion no explanation and no consideration. I'm baffled that you can't see how that might be hurtful.

@notacooldad

Well, a) probably, b) irrelevant as that's not the holiday on this thread and c) I'll say again, really unpleasant and bitchy You didn’t say really unpleasant, you just said just bitchy,

I do think it is that irrelevant tbh. Do you honestly think if it was a family gathering without the free flights and the amazing villa it would be such an attractive proposition.

Seriously if it was a week in Blackpool she wouldn’t be so outraged!

Well, it's both.

I think by harping on the exact location and nature of the holiday you're basically saying the OP is greedy. Which isn't really on. And if that's always been the holiday on offer, and the OP has always gone on this holiday, it's irrelevant to go on about what other sort of holiday it might have been.

Its not clear from the OPs posts that everyone else can do all the dates. It could well easily be there is no date everyone can do so her parents have quite reasonably decided who to leave out by just picking the cheapest date /the date the majority can do.

But the communication around this was hard. This should have been a call.

her parents have quite reasonably decided who to leave out by just picking the cheapest date /the date the majority can do

Or they could have talked to their dc and explained tge situation and considered other options e.g. asking dc to contribute financially so that no one was left out ...

You seem to expect the OP to readjust quite literally overnight to a completely different set of expectations. As this thread shows lots of people would struggle with that too.

It's not that a different way of doing things (like your family does things) is wrong - it's simply that there has been 12 years of something different. And the only part of the family affected by the change is the OP. Its been done to her. No discussion no explanation and no consideration. I'm baffled that you can't see how that might be hurtful

I take on board what you are saying.
I do always read threads and try to put myself in the OPs shoes before I comment which is double edged.if you don’t agree with the OP sometimes.

I know what you mean about me seemingly expecting the op to readjust her expectations however I think to a certain degree the op has to . We all have to , nothing is static as the last few years have shown us. I think it is amazing trip and great that she has managed 12 years, although we don’t know if every single person on that trip has also done every year as well. Hopefully things will be back to normal next year for the family.

I can understand being upset but not furious and not knowing how to deal with it.
There’s been times when I can’t make our annual dinner where 35 members of the family virtually take over the restaurants. It’s annoying when I’ve made plans around work etc and somebody says actually we’ve had to change it from Friday to Saturday because one part of the family can’t go. It means I can’t go. DH and ds1 and 2 still go. To be honest it’s the highlight of my year. I’m miffed but I’ll catch up. This celebration is our’christmas ‘ every February’ it’s happened 4 times in 28 years but I don’t feel I’m not valued. It’s majority rule. The most people that can make that date go.
( I know a dinner for 35 isn’t on the same scale but it’s a big deal to us)

Anyway. What ever happens I hope the OP finds some sort of peace with this situation.

@Abaababa

Oh goodness, I totally empathise with you OP. I would be devastated for all the reasons you mention. Indeed why is a villa more important than being together?

You clearly feel upset by this. Why not honor those feelings, they are valid, and considering having a non-emotive conversation with your parents explaining how you feel. They sound like they have no idea how callous their actions were. It may not help for this year’s holiday but help your relationship with them overall and especially going forward. Good luck!

If something like this is devastating, wait till something really big hits. How on earth are you going to cope with disability or divorce or a sick child or death if just not being able to make an annual holiday with your close and loving family is grounds for feeling ditched and devastated?

@lockdownalli

YABU. If the holiday was that important to you you would change the other plans.

You say the other plans are more important - so that is your choice.

Another one who thinks it's reasonable to expect someone to cancel their prior plans at the drop of a hat rather than talking to each other to find a date that works for everyone. This thread is full of them. I hope you're not all this rude and unkind to your families in real life.

Your saying your upset, we get it.
Your allowed to be upset, but and it really is a big but, your being selfish.
Your saying what you wants trumps everyone else's. Your parents seem nice. Do not let your personal hurt cause upset to everyone in the family, as you won't like the fallout it can cause.

She then confirmed she was changing everyone's flights to the new date except mine as I couldn't make it this time. AIBU to feel completely cut out from the family and furious about this. I don't really know how to respond - it feels like I have just been removed from the holiday.

Totally totally not being unreasonable @PetrasPurse

In fact, I would suggest that you contact your mother - by phone or in person NOT by text or Whatsapp - and be quite clear about how hurt you feel.

That your mother doesn't value your presence at a family holiday

That you feel cut out of the family, and that you feel of no value.

Something similar to this has happened a couple of times to me, and I remember how unimportant and overlooked by my family it made me feel. I put quite a bit of distance from my mother after that.

It's terribly thoughtless.

(Are you an eldest child or the family "coper" by any chance?)

Also, I'm sorry you're getting such a hard time from some posters.

Please talk to your mother face to face or by telephone. Tell her how you feel.

Tell her that it looks as though the rest of the family value money over your presence.

It's dealing with stuff like this that used to make me feel sometimes that I was of less value in my family. It really hurts. I totally understand your distress - it is blindsiding.

@LaChanticleer I haven't read all of the messages since I last posted but I read your last two and you are spot on with everything you said. Thank you for taking the time.

I know there have been others that are supportive, and others that think this is totally fine and I am in the wrong. That's okay, I will take all feedback on board. There's also a lot of strange assumptions, random name calling (madam 🤣, quite toxic) and people who haven't read my post or replies before judging. I can easily see these and disregard the messages.

I think the gist of it for me has been the way it has been communicated, perhaps it's not about the trip itself at all, it's given me something to think about. I need to talk to my mum about this soon, but I just need to get my thoughts in order first so she doesn't come to the same assumptions that it's me feeling entitled over a holiday rather than the fact I feel overlooked. It has affected something in my relationship that I can't put my finger on at the moment. As a lot of people have said, if she had called and spoken to me about it I think it would have been okay. It's the pretending that everything is fine that's weird for me so it's harder to bring it up without feeling confrontational.

@Bollindger

Your saying your upset, we get it. Your allowed to be upset, but and it really is a big but, your being selfish. Your saying what you wants trumps everyone else's. Your parents seem nice. Do not let your personal hurt cause upset to everyone in the family, as you won't like the fallout it can cause.

Actually, she's not saying that what she wants should trump everyone else's. Not at all. She's just saying she might have expected her plans to have been given equal weight to everyone else's whereas it seems they were given much less. And if that's not the case, then her parents have missed out a big part of the explanation (well, they didn't actually give her any explanation at all) as to why she was deemed the least important guest. Maybe there was a good reason that OP hasn't yet been told about (perhaps more people couldn't make a different date so they went with the majority, perhaps the parents were really short of cash this year..) but in any case, the hurt has come from the lack of explanation and lack of conversation.

There have been some strange responses on this thread. Of course OP is going to be upset about not being included in the family holiday, and at the very least when the communication was going out about the change of dates, it could have least said "so sorry @PetrasPurse that you won't be able to join us, but there wasn't a date everyone could make so we had to pick a week".

It's the lack of acknowledgment that makes it odd, not the lack of free holiday.

OP I think your mother here is guilty of wanting to go to the villa, not wanting that massive faff of arranging another villa. Therefore she conveniently over looked the face you’d be upset.

Talk to her face to face but she might be rather defensive, and not want to hear about your hurt feelings. Maybe just clear with her that NEXT time she’ll call you before deciding.

@Losingthewill22 - my point was there might not be a date everyone can do. At that stage, you are going to have to pick a date where someone gets left out. Picking the cheapest might be the easiest way to decide which person you leave out.

But that should have been better communicated.

I don't think OP has said - maybe her parents had paid a deposit on the accommodation so they had to use the original villa.

@bobthebuilderofstars I can see why the parents didn't want the massive faff of changing villa. That would cause other issues - rooms / wish lists of what people want/ where it should be. Can't blame the Mum for just sticking with the one they know. Feel a bit sorry for them as they've done a nice thing and as the families grow up & expand it inevitably means they couldn't always holiday as they had previously & their DC need to be a bit gracious about that.

@PetrasPurse are you the oldest / most established with a family? You said one of your siblings still lives with your parents? Maybe they felt you were the oldest / have your own family so would be most independent in terms of a different holiday?

[quote PetrasPurse]@LaChanticleer I haven't read all of the messages since I last posted but I read your last two and you are spot on with everything you said. Thank you for taking the time.

I know there have been others that are supportive, and others that think this is totally fine and I am in the wrong. That's okay, I will take all feedback on board. There's also a lot of strange assumptions, random name calling (madam 🤣, quite toxic) and people who haven't read my post or replies before judging. I can easily see these and disregard the messages.

I think the gist of it for me has been the way it has been communicated, perhaps it's not about the trip itself at all, it's given me something to think about. I need to talk to my mum about this soon, but I just need to get my thoughts in order first so she doesn't come to the same assumptions that it's me feeling entitled over a holiday rather than the fact I feel overlooked. It has affected something in my relationship that I can't put my finger on at the moment. As a lot of people have said, if she had called and spoken to me about it I think it would have been okay. It's the pretending that everything is fine that's weird for me so it's harder to bring it up without feeling confrontational.[/quote]
You make it sound like she’s a distant relative you only see every 5 years. I get wanting to vent but surely you can just talk to her as a daughter without this huge buildup?

so she doesn't come to the same assumptions that it's me feeling entitled over a holiday rather than the fact I feel overlooked

I sooo don't read your OP as "entitled" @PetrasPurse

But maybe I'm projecting. I can remember a family holiday - a once in a decade thing for my family as we live on about 3 continents. I was about to leave for good the country where my parents had moved to, when we were younger. two of my siblings also returned to this country from living in mainland Europe. We were all meeting at a house on the coast; lifts were being arranged for various people, but I was overlooked & had to make an expensive taxi journey. Then at the end of that holiday, when I was leaving to work in another country for the forseeable, my parents decided that it was more important to take their grandchildren on a train ride, than see me off at the airport. As I was packing, my mother started crying about missing me. But she didn't help me get to the airport or see me off.

Of course, I'm a grown up. I can take myself to airports; I can move overseas all by myself. But that stung. Saying goodbye & wishing me luck was not as important as taking my niece on a train ride. It was as if they were punishing me for daring to venture off into the world!

I would be so hurt

Is reading comprehension still on the curriculum? This is one of those threads that shows that people really don't read anything properly.

Obviously, the fact that it is less money AND that she doesn't have to do more legwork. Those are big factors. Of course it matters what your other commitment is if we are to evaluate whether you are reasonable or not. It is also important to know, when you gave your mother "several dates," what kinds of dates they were. Were the other dates all in higher season? Life is complicated.

So what did you actually say Op when she told you the date/flight cancellations?

Family communications are rarely in a vacuum. You say that you don’t want to sound confrontational but surely you made some comment at the time to your mum? Even just a “that’s disappointing” ? Is your mum not one to be conciliatory in general?

I just do not understand why you think your mum should have changed her holiday plans because you couldn't do the date that suited the majority.

It's coming across as some kind of arrested development where you thought this arrangement would continue forever?

Would you have thought it OK if she chose a date a different family member couldn't make?